Day Three: 1:00 PM -- 2:00 PM

So how'd you like the new season of Joe Millionaire and those "Yer-O-Pee-An" women who are fighting over him? Makes you miss American Idol, non?

So there's this new "electric blue Kiefer" promo for the return of 24. In honor of this season's Latin-American theme, the promo consists of a muy picante series of images of Kiefer edited together against a throbbing salsa beat. But before we can go to our regularly scheduled season premiere, we have to sit through a short film brought to you by Ford called "The Donation." You see, Ford's providing us with another commercial-free hour, and this year they've dispensed with that really long commercial in favor of their own poor man's version of those BMW shorts.

First there's a shot of this Ford pickup truck entering the "Bauer" residence, which looks absolutely nothing like Kasa Kiefer or Kiefer's bachelor pad from Season Two. It's obviously filmed on bad stock, but they've tried to make it look more professional by putting colored filters over the lens of the camera. The AM/FM radio -- standard -- is announcing the closing of a pediatric hospital due to a budget deficit. That will be important later on, people. "Kiefer" gets out of his pickup truck -- we can't see his face -- and enters his home. Another car pulls up into his driveway, and some "terrorists" spy on him with binoculars. These, by the way, look like the kind of terrorists that are cast in Phil Collins videos. Kiefer is seen in shadowed profile going through his mail when notices a figure running by through the window. More "terrorists" break into Casa Kiefer and put a bag over his head so we can't see his face and take him down to the basement, where they interrogate him with that bag still over his head. So then this lead terrorist guy, who looks like Giles from Buffy but with bad skin and Ricardo Montalban's accent, is all, "So we finally meet, Mr. Bauer!" like it's a bad James Bond film. Underneath the hood, "Kiefer" kries -- in a very non-velvety voice -- that he's konfused about his kapture. Are you seeing this plot twist coming a mile away yet? The terrorists are amused by Kiefer's klaims, and explain that he's got to deliver some cash to someone, somewhere. They inject a subcutaneous homing device into his wrist, put the suitcase full of cash into his truck, and tell him to get the suitcase into someone's hands in one hour. Meanwhile they're following him in a helicopter to make sure he really delivers the cash. If they have helicopters, can't they just deliver the cash themselves? Never mind. The terrorists wonder what "Kiefer" is up to as he drags a fallen tree out of the way with his Ford Truck. They marvel at his ability to drive off-road as he avoids a police roadblock. They even worry that they've lost "Kiefer" as "Kiefer" drives through sand, swamp, and dirt. Finally he gets back on the main road. Just as Ricardo Montalban kalls to kongratulate Kiefer on reaching his destination, the Terror Underlings notice that the real Jack Bauer is in the House Of Commons in London, accepting an award for his role in bringing some terrorists to justice. To be continued

Kiefer thanks Ford for the commercial-free hourand for that schlocky intro that makes the actual show look better in comparison. 24. Blip blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. Palmer goes down after shaking Mandy's hand with the fruit roll-up of death glove on it. Not that they show Mandy, mind you, and pay her for technically appearing in this episode. It's three years later. The following takes place between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM.

L.A. A Ford Van -- I'm assuming -- makes its way through downtown traffic. A passenger in the van who looks like Billy Bob Thornton opens a case, revealing a set of colorful wires and sinister-looking levers. I'm thinking it's a bomb. Or maybe even a B-O-M-B. Gloves go on. Codes are typed in. A blue light starts flashing and making a "whoop whoop" sound. The van makes it down an alley. The passenger takes out a penknife and slits open a large plastic body bag. The van reaches its destination, which, according to the caption, is the National Health Services building. The men get out of the van, one of them adheres the bomb (or B-O-M-B) to the door while the other one takes the giant plastic bag out and dumps the contents -- a body -- on the doorstep. They take off. Trick or treat! Just as the bomb goes off -- it's not a B-O-M-B, the impact wasn't that strong -- the van peels out of the parking lot. A security guard comes forward to check out the explosion. He sees the body and calls for backup.

Elsewhere. Enter Kiefer. He is revealed to us slowly and coyly, like a virgin about to be deflowered on prom night. First we see a hand on a scanner. Then we see a digital image of said hand. Then the image of the handprint is replaced by a photograph of Kiefer. And at lastKiefer. He is in a maximum-security prison as a visitor. We waits for his new partner to be scanned in -- a younger man with a huge round head who looks like Jude Law as drawn by Charles Schultz -- and they both enter the inner sanctum of the prison. Kiefer is wearing a suit. Has he cleaned up his act? Or is he wearing a suit to camouflage something shady? Stay tuned. Special Agent Charlie Brown is also wearing a suit but he's skipped the tie. A split screen reveals the man they're visiting, who looks -- according to Sars -- like an Hispanic version of Phil Hartman. ["It's something in his line delivery, too. I first noticed the resemblance in Clear and Present Danger." -- Sars] He is being led down a jailhouse corridor by two armed guards. As Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown near their destination, Kiefer lets out a dainty cough. "Doing okay, Kiefer?" asks Special Agent Charlie Brown. Kiefer replies that he won't "be okay until we get this thing signed." "That's not what I meant," says Special Agent Charlie Brown pointedly.

Meanwhile, Felipe Hartmano is escorted to a chair in the jailhouse meeting room. And, like, it's actually a real non-fabulous chair that you'd actually find in a real live jailhouse and not, say, an Emeco Naval Chair. Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown approach the outside of the room and meet up with a Latin guy named Luiz who has a lot of Vaseline on his face. He's the federal D.A. There's also this nerdy-looking guy there who turns out to be Felipe Hartmano's lawyer. Their conversation exposits that Felipe Hartmano is a South American drug lord Kiefer brought down by going undercover for a year sometime between "day two" and the present. Apparently Felipe Hartmano works with terrorists all over the world, and is willing to give the U.S. information about them in exchange for a lighter sentence in a minimum-security prison. According to Hartmano's lawyer, Hartmano wants to stay in a Florida prison. Vaselino insists on transferring him to a Minnesota prison as previously agreed. Special Agent Charlie Brown is all, "Just give him Florida, it doesn't make a difference." Vaselino is getting hot under the collar, and tells the CTU agents to do their own jobs and let him do his. He explains that he's reluctant to give Felipe Hartmano everything he asks for, because he fears that Seor Hartmano will sense his own value and start asking for more. Kiefer pulls Vaselino aside so he can give him the full velvet in relative privacy. He reminds Vaselino that gaining information about the terrorist cells that Hartmano does business with is their number one priority, and that if Felipe doesn't talk, they haven't accomplished anything. "I didn't lose a year of my life to arrest some drug dealer," speaketh the velvety one. Vaselino almost buckles under the velvety pressure, but ultimately insists that the deal in his hand is the deal that is being offered, and that Hartmano is going to "take it." "You better be right," says Kiefer.

Luis hands the "deal" -- which looks like one of those envelopes that contains the winners of this year's Academy Awards -- to the poor man's Alan Dershowitz, who enters the meeting room to give it to S. Hartmano. While Kiefer and Vaselino watch through a one-way mirror, PoorMan'sAlanDershowitz lays the deal on the table for Hartmano to sign. "Are you dere, Kiefer?" calls out Hartmano through the one-way mirror. PMAD tells Hartmano to forget about Kiefer and just sign the deal. "How can I forget the man who put me hee-ar?" asks Hartmano, standing up and getting ready to ham it up big time. "I'm concerned about you, Kiefer. Da tings you did to get me here? I wouldn't wish dem on anyone. Let's face it. You'll never be da same." Kiefer looks stricken. Hartmano continues to tell Kiefer that they are in the same boat and have a special connection. "I don't know," continues Hartmano. "Maybe we always hef been." Hartmano then gives a hearty but ironic laugh. PMAD reminds Hartmano to sign the agreement. Hartmano asks for a pen. "Unless you want me to sign it in my own blood," says Hartmano, with another hearty-ironic chuckle. PMAD hands Hartmano a pen, and Hartmano starts going through the document and initialing the changes while he tells PMAD that he appreciates the good work PMAD has done on his behalf. "But I teenk dey're on to you," says Hartmano. "I don't teenk you 'ave what it takes to keep your mouth shut." "What do you mean?" asks PMAD. Hartmano gives Kiefer a long intense stare through the glass, smiles, and then stabs PMAD in the neck with the pen. This is the big shocking violent moment of the 24 season premiere? Oh, please. Like, who hasn't wanted to stick a Mont Blanc through a lawyer's neck? Kiefer tries to get inside the room. The guards wrestle Hartmano off of PMAD. But it's no use. PMAD is dead. "It's your fault, Kiefer," says Hartmano as the guards carry him off. "And what happens is on you too." Special Agent Charlie Brown tries to strangle Hartmano, but Kiefer pulls him away. Hartmano, now being led back to his cell, repeats his threat. "What happens is on you!"

The time is 01:08:00 PM. A red Ford Jeep with an "L.A. Haz-Mat Unit" bumper sticker and a "Haz-Mat Unit" side door decal pulls into the parking lot of National Health Services building, as two men in Haz-Mat suits carry the body from earlier toward the building in a Haz-Mat container. A woman enters, whom the Haz-Mat suits call Dr. Macer. If she keeps her suit on, I'm going to call her Dr. Hazel Mat. Hell, I don't care. I'm going to call her Hazel Mat anyway. She's heard that the body has her name on it, and takes a look at it. It's written on a piece of tape on the man's chest. She examines the blisters on the man's body (and his nasty red chest hair) and concludes that, although further tests will be needed, they might be dealing with someone injected by a type three pneumonic virus. "Type three?" exclaims one of the Hazmaticians. "Isn't that the virus group your team has been doing simulations on?" Hazel confirms this. "I think that's why this was addressed to me," she says. "Go ahead and start the preliminary tests. I'll contact Director Almeida."

Of course, by "Director Almeida," Hazel is referring to Soul Patch. Back at CTU, which is housed in either a brand-new building or the old one in a highly refurbished condition, the aforementioned man himself approaches Bitchelle's desk and asks if the president has arrived at S.C. yet. Bitchelle, who is sporting major cleavage, replies something about resource assessments. I don't know what she's talking about. I'm just marveling at her breasts. And the complete lack of chemistry or warmth between her and Soul Patch. Their spark-free conversation is interrupted by a Jimmy Fallon-esque newbie office worker who seems to be wearing eyeliner. "I have had it, Soul Patch, I swear to God!" he says. "Chloe O'Brien does not touch my data!" No comment. Soul Patch asks him if his data is damaged from said touching of it by Chloe O'Brien. "That's not the point!" exclaims Adam, going off on how his department has no downtime because of the procedures they all follow. Soul Patch asks again if his data was "damaged," and tells him to drop it. Adam looks up at one of the upper offices at a woman who I assume is this Chloe, and gives her this look as if to say, "This is only the beginning!" Incidentally, Chloe, an abused assistant with low self-esteem, is played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, the same actress who played Hank's abused assistant with low self-esteem on The Larry Sanders Show. Bitchelle announces a call from Dr. Hazel Mat. Soul Patch walks back to her, and their arms touch. A close-up reveals that they are both wearing matching wedding bands. Oh, so that's why they don't have any chemistry anymore. And that's why Soul Patch is so fat. "Oh by the way," says Mrs. Soul Patch. "Have you heard from Herzog?" Soul Patch tells her not to worry. "You're going to get the job." "I better," says Mrs. Soul Patch. "You're got going to Langley without me!" Soul Patch takes the call. Dr. Hazel Mat, who is now in a t-shirt and scrubs, informs Soul Patch about the body delivered to her office injected with the Cordilla Virus, the aforementioned type three pneumatic virus. "These guys are serious," continues Hazel. "They blew a hole in our door to get our attention." Soul Patch asks if they need to issue a quarantine advisory. Hazel informs Soul Patch that once the host is dead, it isn't contagious. Once off the phone, Soul Patch tells Bitchelle to initiate a "level one setting protocol."

Kiefer enters and heads up to the new Kiefer Kube. Chloe has a complete set of data on a disk (or something) for him concerning the body and the virus. Kiefer asks her for some other set of Whatever Technology, and Chloe says she can't get at it because she's not allowed to touch Adam's data. "You're kidding me, right?" says Kiefer. "Nope," says Chloe. "Adam's completely anal about that kind of stuff and he hates women." Kiefer has another set of withdrawal symptoms and tells Chloe to just get the data from Adam and to close his door on her way out so he can shoot up. Oops! Getting ahead of myself, there. Chloe stomps off and closes his door behind him. Kiefer is alone at last, and some weird computerized "oom-pah-oom-pah" music starts playing. Kiefer loosens his tie and starts leaning forward and straining himself like he's constipated and trying to push out a tootsie roll. His extension rings. It's Bitchelle, patching through a conference call with Health Services. The screen splits as if we're going to a commercial, even though we're not. Damn you, Ford! I need a cup of coffee! The time is 01:26:51 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer tries to maintain, Palmer enters the auditorium with Brother Palmer, Spawn walks -- not runs -- somewhere, and Felipe Hartmano issues an evil cackle from inside his jail cell.

CTU. Spawn enters a room that looks suspiciously like the very room that her mother was murdered in on Day One. She removes a Whatever Drive from a wall unit and types some Whatever Data into a wall console. A figure lurks behind her and enters the room while Spawn blissfully types away, absolutely clueless that her life is in danger. The soundtrack gets all ominous. The figure comes closer. Psych! It's Special Agent Charlie Brown, looking to get some. "You scared me!" giggles Spawn. They make out. It's official. Spawn is this year's office slut. Pass it on! Spawn explains that she's "refreshing a drive," and asks him about the Felipe Hartmano drama from earlier. Special Agent Charlie Brown admits that it was "crazy," but tells Spawn that Kiefer is taking it "okay." "Good," says Spawn. "I was thinking about talking to him today." Special Agent Charlie Brown doesn't think that today would be a good day to talk to Kiefer about their secret love affair. "It's never a good day," points out Spawn astutely. She reminds him that they agreed that they'd tell him if they were together more than two months. "It's been almost three," she whines, and withdraws her boobs from his proximity in an effort to control him. Finally Special Agent Charlie Brown gives in and agrees to tell Kiefer himself. Spawn happily moves her boobs back to touching range. They make out some more, but are interrupted by a CTU extra entering the room. Special Agent Charlie Brown pretends to be discussing Whatever Technology with her, and then leaves the room.

Back at CTU, Kiefer is doing through some Whatever Data on his laptop. He buzzes Chloe and asks her where the transcripts between Hartmano and Vaselino are. Chloe replies that she put them on his directory. "Goddammit, Chloe, I didn't want it in my directory, I wanted it stored with the rest of the files from Hartmano!" Um, Kiefer? It's called "CTRL+C, CTRL+P." Look into it. Nevertheless, he walks over to her cube and tells her that if she can't get things right the first time, he'll get someone who can to replace her. Chloe retorts that Kiefer never said he wanted that data saved with the other files, and since it's not standard procedure, she would never think of doing it that way. "I can't read minds," she says. "Goddammit, Chloe, do it NOW!" screams Kiefer. Special Agent Charlie Brown, who has been watching all of this from his cube, comes into the Kiefer Kube, closes the door, and asks what all the yelling was about. "I need you to replace Chloe," says Kiefer, shaking with rage. "She's the best analyst we've got," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. Analyst? She seems to be functioning as a secretary. Kiefer claims that Chloe is too slow. "You look like hell," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. Kiefer is all, "What did you just say to me?!?" Special Agent Charlie Brown is all, "We're on active protocol, I just need to know if you're up for it or not." Kiefer tells Special Agent Charlie Brown that he's a "nice kid," but he should never come into his office and talk to him like that. "You were about to fire Chloe for no reason," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. Then we see a shot of Chloe fretting in her office and biting her nails, just like she did after one of Hank's tantrums. Kiefer calls Chloe on the intercom and apologizes for "taking [her] head off." "You happy?" Kiefer asks Special Agent Charlie Brown. Special Agent Charlie Brown glances down at the main floor and sees Spawn looking up at him impatiently. "There's something else I want to talk to you about," he says. They are interrupted by a phone call from Soul Patch. New information has surfaced on Hartmano. "What do you want to tell me?" asks Kiefer, getting ready to go downstairs. "Nothing," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. "It'll hold."

Back down on the floor, Bitchelle is briefing the staff about some Whatever Technology procedural whatever. Spawn asks Special Agent Charlie Brown if he told Kiefer yet. Special Agent Charlie Brown tells her he never got a chance. Kiefer, Special Agent Charlie Brown, Adam, Soul Patch, and a group of extras meet in a glass-enclosed conference room and sit down at the table. Soul Patch announces that an anonymous call came into the FBI ten minutes ago. Adam patches the recording through. The electronically altered voice informs them that if Hartmano isn't released in six hours, they will release the same deadly virus that infected John Doe's body into the general population of L.A. "As your experts will tell you," it continues, "you will not have time to stop its spread." Hee! He said "spread"! Kiefer asks if it's known where the phone call came from. Adam replies that it was from a scrambled satellite connection. Or something. Kiefer konkludes that they are dealing with Hartmano's brother, since he was second in command. Unfortunately they are going to have to throw out a wide net to trace the origin of that call, since the Hartmano family owns a lot of property in Mexico registered under dummy corporations, which the Mexican government can't keep track of. Kiefer asks how the ID of the body is coming along. Adam replies that with no teeth or fingertips to work with -- ew! -- they have to rely on DNA, which Bitchelle is still tracing. "We need this ID," says Kiefer, taking full advantage of the powers of the Sutherland Velvet. "It's the only hook we've got into this organization." Soul Patch suggests they question Hartmano. Again, Kiefer claims that it's a waste of time, since Hartmano is a man with no vulnerability. "He doesn't respond to physical interrogation, and he doesn't care about another living soul, including his own children." Well, so much for pretending to kill his children like they did to Anthony Quinn Jr. last season. The meeting breaks when Bitchelle calls out from the floor that she's found something. It's just like that scene in Willy Wonka when Veruca Salt's father has all these factory workers opening candy bar wrappers in search of the golden ticket. Bitchelle's found the golden ticket. She has an ID of the body. "His name is David Goss," says Mrs. Soul Patch. "He's a street dealer from East L.A." He deals streets? According to Mrs. Soul Patch, Goss worked as an informant but the DEA stopped working with him because she switched sides too often. Kiefer orders everyone to work on finding out who infected Goss by cross-referencing everyone in Goss's life with everyone in Hartmano's network.

Meanwhile, back at Rancho Narcotico, BrotherOfHartmano and PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie pull up to a clearing in their jeep. They are just in time to witness a pile of dead bodies getting dumped into a hole, soaked with gasoline, and set on fire by some ranch hands. And I thought I had a shitty job. "What is this?" asks BrotherOfHartmano of one of the ranch hands in subtitled Spanish. "The ones we didn't use," replies the ranch hand in subtitled Spanish. "This won't affect my soil?" asks BrotherOfHartmano coldly. He is assured that it will not by a man who turns out to be PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie'sFather. PoorMan'sAngelina is horrified and has to look away. They both get back into the jeep. "Why do you have my fadder doing dis kind of work for joo?" asks PoorMan'sAngelina. "Ees not hees job." "Eet ees today," replies BrotherOfHartmano. They drive back to the ranch house.

Back at the prison, Vaselino approaches Felipe Hartmano and demands to know why he killed PoorMan'sAlanDershowitz. "You want to improve your conditions here? You better start talking." Hartmano replies that he didn't want PoorMan'sAlanDershowitz talking to Vaselino. "About what?" asks Vaselino. "About anything." Vaselino starts to walk away, and Hartmano starts taunting him and daring him to beat him to a pulp since he has Hartmano in chains. Vaselino approaches him but cannot go through with it. "You are no fun," says Hartmano. Vaselino stomps off. The screen splits. The time is 01:44:42 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Hartmano is back in his cell, Kiefer klicks on his komputer keys, the jeep at Rancho Narcotico pulls up to the main hacienda, and Palmer and Brother Palmer go over his debate run-through.

Back La Hacienda de los Substancios Contoleros, PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie stomps inside, followed by BrotherOfHartmano. "My father is the ranch foreman," says PoorMan'sAngelina. "You promised he wouldn't be involved in your other activities." BOH argues that Juan Voight makes three times the going rate as his ranch hand, and that it's not outrageous to ask him to do a "little extra." Angelina argues that that's not the point. They agreed before they all came to live on Rancho Narcotico that neither Juan Voight or her "leetle brother" would be exposed to his illegal activities. Angelina has a brother? Do they make out? "You broke your word," says Angelina. "And that hurts me." BOH promises to make it up to Angelina by giving her father time off and an extra month's pay. "That's your solution to every problem, isn't it? Money," says Angelina, stomping away and simultaneously showing off her lovely big ass. BOH calls out to her but she ignores him, slamming the door on him. Um, Angelina? If you didn't want your family exposed to illegal activities, maybe you should have thought of that before you married a drug lord. BOH calls Billy Bob and asks if he made the call to the FBI. Billy Bob affirms that he did. "What about our boy?" asks BOH. "I'm watching him," says Billy Bob. The camera pulls back to reveal that Billy Bob is watching a surveillance video of Kyle by the pool. "Keep heem close," says BOH. "I weel," says Billy Bob.

So down at Kyle's pool, Kyle has a friend who seems to function like Rat's friend Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You know, the sex-obsessed ticket scalper who betrays Rat by sleeping with Jennifer Jason Leigh even though Rat's in love with her? Anyway, Kyle and Kyle's friend are drinking some Bud short boys by the pool, and Kyle's friend is all, "What was it like to get knee-deep in some fine Tijuana tail?" ["'Tail'? Shut up, Kyle's friend." -- Sars] Kyle replies that he didn't go down there to get laid. He explains that he went down to Mexico to pick up a bag of cocaine, and that he's getting paid ten grand to bring it over the border and deliver it to this guy. "Why are you doing this?" asks Damone, rising in my esteem as we speak. Kyle explains about his sick mom and his unemployed dad. "We're about to get evicted from this crappy apartment," says Kyle. "Is that good enough for you?" Damone tells him he's crazy, and turns down Kyle's request to accompany him to the drop-off point. Kyle tells Damone to "think about it." Damone takes off his shirt and jumps into the pool. A pair of girls whoop it up over Damone's pasty bumpy body. Kyle sucks some more beer from his Budweiser short boy.

Palmer holds an emergency meeting of his staff -- or whoever it is who accompanied him to California. They discuss the recent bio-terrorism emergency and discuss calling off the debate. Brother Palmer argues that they're not on any official terrorism alert, so it's not necessary. However, he thinks they might want to consider leaving Los Angeles. Aaron Pierce, Head Secret Service Guy from Days One and Two, enters and tells Palmer that Dr. Anne wants to see him. Wow, Aaron's back. Of all the people on Palmer's staff to keep aroundPalmer tells him to tell Dr. Anne that he's busy. Then he changes his mind and tells Aaron that he will in fact speak to her. What? They just spoke a few minutes ago. Anyway, Brother Palmer asks Palmer if it's such a good idea to talk to Dr. Anne, and seems alarmed when Palmer insists on doing so. Dr. Anne enters, and Brother Palmer gives her this totally icy stare. What? They were just speaking to her. What's with the drama? Dr. Anne and Palmer go into a private room. Dr. Anne gives Palmer some red herrings -- I mean, "pills" -- and tells him to take them twice a day to help his "energy." What's in them? Speed? Hey, if it worked for JFKPalmer argues that he's fine. Dr. Anne insists that he take them, and asks him why he looks so upset. "It's just going to be another one of those days," says Palmer prophetically. Dr. Anne asks him what he means. Jeez, Dr. Anne. Don't you read the papers? Don't you know the significance of L.A.? Did you at least rent the first two seasons on DVD? Palmer doesn't answer her and makes out with her instead. Woo hoo! Palmer's finally getting some.

Back at CTU, Kiefer is freaking out because his computer isn't working. Or at least he thinks his computer isn't working, as Special Agent Charlie Brown points out to him. After some more failed attempts to bring up some whatever data, Kiefer asks Special Agent Charlie Brown to patch everything up to his console in the Kiefer Kube. As Special Agent Charlie Brown passes by Chloe's desk, she asks him what Kiefer's problem is "today." Special Agent Charlie Brown claims he doesn't know. He enters Kiefer's Kube and asks Kiefer what he's "trying to do." Kiefer responds sharply that he's simply trying to solve this problem. "That's not what I'm talking about," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. "I know what they did to you. And I know what you did to yourself. You can't make that go away overnight." Kiefer tells him to mind his own business. "All I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. "But today is not the day for you to prove to everybody that you're all better." He leaves Kiefer's office, closing the door behind him. Violins swell on the soundtrack as Kiefer starts to pant. He grabs a remote control and darkens the glass walls of his office. Apparently they have the same privacy feature as the dressing rooms in the Prada Soho flagship store. He goes over to a closet, unlocks it, and takes out a case. The music gets more driving and rhythmic. He opens the case, removes some rubber tubing and a syringe, and rolls up his sleeve. He slaps his arm, looking for a vein, and prepares to shoot up. Once his forearm is exposed, we, the viewers, can see that he has a strange tattoo on his forearm -- a tattoo identical to one we saw on Hartmano and BOH earlier. The screen splits to reveal Kyle's friend splashing around in the pool with those bimbos, Palmer meeting with his staff, and Felipe Hartmano hamming it up in his cell. Just as Kiefer is about to insert a (very short, mind you) syringe into his arm, his intercom buzzes. It's Spawn. Ruining everything as usual. In fact, I can totally see Spawn needing a glass of water just about every time Kiefer and Bride of Kiefer were about to do it. "Daddy, I'm scared of the dark. Why is Mom wearing a maid's outfit?" At the sound of his daughter's voice, he struggles with the needle and finally throws the works against the wall. Just say no, Kiefer. The time is 01:59:5801:59:5902:00:00 PM.

Anyway, so those of you who care, The Donation continues. Once the terrorists see the newscast and realize that Kiefer is out of the kountry, they look through "Kiefer's" things and realize that they have the wrong Bauer. The guy in the Ford Truck is really a construction worker named Jeff Bauer. Duh! They tell him they've made a mistake, and promise to send him some steaks if they can just have their package back. Jeff Bauer hands them the suitcase and drives off. "Nice truck," says one of the terrorists. He takes off in a helicopter, and once he's in the air, he opens the suitcase. It's merely a tool kit. Jeff Bauer has the original package. "He did what?" says Ricardo Montalban through clenched teeth. Jeff Bauer dials 911 on this cell phone. Suddenly a team of feds breaks into Jeff's house and arrests everyone. Two days later, Jeff is driving around in his Ford truck. The radio announces that that hospital mentioned earlier is not closing as previously reported, because at the last minute an anonymous donation was given. Jeff turns off the radio and gives the camera a smug look. Wow, if that doesn't make you want to buy a Ford F-150, what will?