Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. And Kiefer's still naked. Beep beep beep beep beep. 24. Previouslys. Oh Palmer, why are you saying no, girl? Why'd you have to get me all excited wearing that push-up bra, dancing up close to me, and saying tonight might be the night? You're nothing but a tease. And you know you want it, girl. You've just been reading too much Andrea Dworkin and hanging out with those friends of yours from the women's center. Didn't I buy you that hair clip from Strawberry that you said you liked? Didn't I buy you that Vanessa Carlton CD because it had our song on it? I even took you to Olive Garden, and not only did you get the unlimited soup and breadsticks. but I let you order two Diet Cokes and dessert without blinking. Why you changing your mind, bitch? Oh, and I'm locking your friend Rolaide in a closet. Otherwise, Kiefer gets a hold of the evidence he needs to prove the Cyprus recording is a forgery but the EvilOilMan's henchmen get a hold of him. Meanwhile, PoorMan'sArmandAssante and Cate get sandblasted. Kiefer is dead. Yeah, right.
Doc In The Box. As various Middle-Eastern-looking men are trickling in for medical help -- presumably due to widespread anti-Arab violence in the wake of the B-O-M-B -- José (or Luis or Slam) emerges from the torture room in search of epinephrine. Raise your hand if you -- like me -- keep forgetting that the torture of Kiefer has all been taking place in a spare room at an Urgent Care Center. Isn't someone going to need the room at some point? "Excuse me…oh, you're torturing someone. I'll be back later when you're finished." Doc In The Box enters with a bloody victim and asks José what he's doing there. José coldly shoots the bloody victim and grabs Doc In The Box, making him take him to the storage room for the desired epinephrine. What a wacky hospital…I mean, "Urgent Care Center." Meanwhile, in the actual torture room, TeutonicTortureDude is trying to revive Kiefer with a pair of defibrillator paddles. The phone rings. It's EvilChrisElliott, calling from an opulent apartment while some Eurasian girl with the body of a toilet brush is giving him the sort of soothing caresses that evil men on television are always getting. Jeez, EvilChrisElliott. A watched pot never boils. TeutonicTortureDude tells Luis (or Slam) to take the call since he's busy reviving Kiefer. Luis tells EvilChrisElliott that Kiefer is "flatlining" due to the fact that TeutonicTortureDude went a little too far. Wow, that "Young Gun" sure is one "Lost Boy." I mean, this is no "Time To Kill," right? If I were that guy, I'd get on a "Freeway" and haul ass to some place far away like, uh, "Truth or Consequences, N.M." "Whatever he broke, he better fix," says EvilChrisElliott. He tells Luis to take care of the damage control himself.
They hang up, and José arrives with Doc In The Box and the epinephrine. Luis takes out a gun, holds it to Doc In The Box's head, and tells him to revive Kiefer or die. They move Kiefer to a gurney while Doc In The Box fills a syringe with epinephrine. Kiefer is still naked, so we see a little thigh. Doc In The Box jams the syringe into Kiefer's sternum and applies some more paddle action. Nothing happens. TeutonicTortureDude is all, "Hit him again!" Doc In The Box doesn't think Kiefer is going to make it. They wave guns at him some more. The paddles are applied again. The monitor detects a rhythm. Kiefer is revived. Everyone is relieved…especially the executives at Fox. "What did EvilChrisElliott say?" asks TeutonicTortureDude. "He said I just got promoted," says Luis, shooting TTD in the head. Now let this be a lesson to all of you. If someone offers you a job working for a guy who wants to start a war in order to profit from oil reserves, he probably isn't a good boss; he won't be fostering a healthy working environment and there won't be any job security. "You thought death would save you," says Luis to Kiefer, who is opening his eyes and gasping for air. "You're not going to die until I kill you myself."
Division. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn is on the phone with the Vice President, assuring him that Palmer knows nothing about the coup, and never will now that Rolaide is out of the way. But it hasn't been easy for PMHC. "I know it's difficult," says PoorMan'sJoeLieberman. "It's been difficult for all of us." "I hope we're doing the right thing," worries PMHC. "I hope you're not wavering," says PMJL. He reminds PMHC to have the cabinet show up to the meeting and vote Palmer out. PMHC reminds PMJL that he can only promise to get the cabinet there for the meeting. How they vote is another issue altogether. "You're doing the right thing, PMHC," says PMJL. "History will recognize that." They hang up just as Palmer enters PMHC's office. Oops! Palmer has come to apologize for putting PMHC in such a quandary, and to commend him for sticking by him through an "unpopular decision." But Palmer is still steadfast about not B-O-M-B-ing until Kiefer comes through with the evidence. He asks PMHC to send Rolaide into his office to help him draft a statement. "I'll see if I can find her," says PMHC, concocting a story about how Rolaide isn't feeling well.
Meanwhile, Rolaide is still locked in that room. She pounds on the door, calling for help and threatening to press treason charges against her captors. She looks around and discovers…a tool closet. Uh, whatever. She rummages through it until she finds a blowtorch.
Meanwhile, in that parking lot, Cate and PoorMan'sArmandAssante are lying in twin pools of their own blood. The rednecks have taken PMAA's wallet and are going through it. "What's this?" says one of them, having found the chip. They get into PMAA's car, ostensibly to get out of there. Cate perks up when she hears the chip mentioned. She stands up and begs for the chip. Only she looks like some nerdy junior high kid who is trying her get her hat back from the older kids who are playing catch with it. "I'll pay you," she pleads as one of the rednecks holds her back. She offers to take them back to her house in Hancock Park for money. Despite some hesitation, the rednecks decide to go with her. "First let me put him out of his misery," says Redneck #1, walking toward PMAA with his gun drawn. "This is for messing with our country," says Redneck #1, putting his gun to PMAA's head. Cate bleats, but the gun isn't even loaded. The men enjoy a hearty laugh, and everyone heads for Hancock Park. As the stolen Kiefmobile pulls out of the parking lot, PMAA stirs. After much struggle, he manages to crawl along the asphalt toward a phone booth. Shades of PoorMan'sMenaSuvari, anyone? He calls 911, but the lines are busy due to the B-O-M-B.
Doc In The Box. Luis demands more epinephrine. Doc In The Box is worried that he'll strain Kiefer's heart by giving him too much. "He's strong," says Luis. "He can handle it." Doc In The Box fills a syringe with epinephrine. "Now prepare a syringe with Beroglide," says Luis. Now, I don't know about you, but I assumed that Beroglide was some kind of art marker. Apparently it's a solution that, when injected, collapses one's lung. "This will paralyze your diaphragm, and you'll suffocate until you tell me where the chip is," says Luis to Kiefer in the hopes that he'll hand over the chip. Kiefer swears he doesn't know where the chip is. Luis steps away for a second, so Kiefer whispers a request to the Doc and has him loosen his ropes. Doc is reluctant, since Luis is the one with the gun. "Please, this is the only chance we've got!" says Kiefer, laying on the Sutherland velvet. Unable to resist that velvet, Doc In The Box loosens the ropes. Oh, and then we almost see Li'l Kiefer but his hands are in the way. Luis once again orders a Beroglide injection. Doc In The Box injects Kiefer. The time is 3:14:54 AM.
No commercials worth discussing, but I got a ton of email about the Britney Spears dancer that I mentioned crushing on a couple of recaps ago. I was informed that this guy's name is Nick Florez. There are two websites devoted to him, in addition to a Yahoo Group. One of the websites is in French. Apparently every single Britney Spears dancer has their own website. Oh, and speaking of emails I've been getting lately, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell all of you that no, the fecal phantom was never apprehended.
The time is 03:18:27 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer writhes, PMHC thinks, and Palmer ponders. CTU. Chappelle enters and bumps into Bitchelle. He asks to see Soul Patch, who is attending to a problem in the IT department. Bitchelle also informs him that the phones are down. They discuss Whatever Technology for a while until Soul Patch enters on crutches. Chappelle meets with Soul Patch and commends him on his "good work" in preventing Kiefer from changing their position on the Cyprus audio. Soul Patch tells Chappelle that Kiefer might not be wrong about the Cyprus audio. "I don't want to hear that!" says Chappelle. Soul Patch wants to eliminate all reasonable doubt before they bomb the Middle East to "Wednesday." Chappelle insists that the Cyprus audio has already been authenticated, and wants CTU to support the White House. "Don't make me the bad guy!" says Chappelle, threatening to remove Soul Patch from his new position. "I want to do what's right," says Soul Patch. "What's right is to follow the chain of command," says Chappelle. He tells Soul Patch to put everyone on "domestic response" -- in other words, stop looking for Kiefer -- and walks off. Exhausted, Soul Patch shares a conspiratorial glance with Bitchelle.
Division. Rolaide starts a fire in a wastebasket with the blowtorch. This sets off a smoke alarm and attracts the attention of her captor, who unlocks the door and enters. Rolaide hits him with a heavy object and runs away. You know, up until now, we've never seen Rolaide do anything strenuous. Unfortunately, the woman runs like a duck. Her hair has also taken on what shampoo commercials refer to as a "flyaway" condition. Her captor rebounds and chases her down the stairs. I guess she's still wearing those stilettos, so he catches her. They struggle, and she falls down the stairwell. It's not a happy sound when she hits the floor. It kinda sounds like a bag of ice cubes being dropped from a table.
Palmer tries to get the Vice President on the phone, but he can't get past PoorMan'sJoeLieberman's secretary. Outside Palmer's office lurks a Secret Service agent. Palmer orders him to come inside and close the door. They establish that SecretServiceAgentwithSpeakingPart has been working with the White House since Reagan's second term. "I haven't been able to establish contact with my vice president in the last half hour," says Palmer. "What do you make of that?" "I wouldn't know how to respond to that, Mr. President," says SSAwSP. Palmer tells him that he's just made an unpopular decision, and now he can't reach his vice president. "Should I draw any conclusions?" After much hesitation and some hemming and hawing, SSAsSP tells Palmer that he has good instincts. "I'd listen to them if I were you," he says, exiting. Palmer thinks about that. A lot.
EvilChrisElliott's Evil apartment. A suit-wearing man enters, escorted by a suit-wearing minion. "Max is very unhappy," he informs EvilChrisElliott. He goes on to tell ECE that the war was called off. EvilChrisElliott assures them that Palmer will respond to pressure from within his administration and from the American people. "You're assuming that Kiefer hasn't already delivered proof to his people that the Cyprus audio was false," says the suit-wearing guy. "Kiefer won't be a problem," insists EvilChrisElliott.
Doc In The Box. Kiefer is gasping for air as Luis asks for the chip. Kiefer still refuses to cooperate. "I'm done playing games with you," says Luis, going crazy on Kiefer and punching him in the face. José and Slam warn Luis that he's being too loud, and someone's going to hear them from the lobby of Doc In The Box. It's about time someone pointed that out. Luis tells Doc In The Box to "double the dosage." While Doc In The Box prepares a syringe, Kiefer promises to tell him where the chip is. Kiefer says something inaudible. When Luis leans in to hear him, Doc In The Box stabs Luis with the Beroglide-filled syringe. Kiefer gets up. He's still naked, but the camera is kept above his waist. He takes Luis's gun from him, pushes him over with his foot, and shoots José and Slam. "How much time does he have?" Kiefer asks Doc In The Box. Luis has fifteen minutes before his lung collapses, according to Doc In The Box. Kiefer puts on pants and points the gun at him. "You tell me who was on the other end of that phone and I'll make it quick." "Evil…Chris…Elliott," says Luis. I hereby announce a new drinking game. Every time someone dies while giving vital information, you drink. Kiefer shoots Luis as promised. The time is 03:27:36 AM.
The time is 03:32:04 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer puts on more clothes, Palmer goes through papers, and Bitchelle looks for Kiefer on her komputer. Division. Palmer has summoned PMHC. "I've been feeling a little disconnected from my people lately," he says, referring to his staff back in Washington and the fact that PoorMan'sJoeLieberman isn't returning his calls. "I think he's avoiding me," says Palmer. PMHC lies and says that PoorJoe's just been busy lately with the B-O-M-B and everything. Palmer insists that since they're still on the brink of war, the Vice President has to take his calls. "I'll get him on the phone right away," says PMHC, getting up to leave. Palmer stops him and refers to his statement. Apparently, Asian Patty went over it and it's still not satisfactory. He asks PMHC to get Rolaide to go over his speech. PMHC takes it as if he's going to give it to her, and goes into a side office. Once his door is shut, he gets on an old-school cell phone with a big-ass antenna and everything and calls Prescott. "Are you going forward or not?" asks PMHC. PoorJoe insists that he is indeed. PMHC tells him to hurry. Palmer is onto them. "You haven't been returning his calls," says PMHC. "I can't keep up the act much longer." Prescott tells him to keep Palmer busy until he can get everyone together, and that it won't be much longer. "Forty-five minutes tops."
Doc In The Box. Kiefer calls Bitchelle while he heads to the parking lot to meet up with PMAA and Cate. The phone lines are still wonky, so it's not much of a phone call. Bitchelle tells Soul Patch about her disjointed call with Kiefer. Soul Patch orders her to put a trace on the call. Chappelle overhears this conversation and wants to know what that's all about. "I don't want Kiefer distracting you or your resources," he warns them. Soul Patch tries to convince him otherwise. "Keep your eye on the ball, Soul Patch," says Chappelle.
Division. Palmer and Prescott are talking on speakerphone while PMHC is there. Palmer asks him about his opposition to his calling off the bombing. Prescott assures him that, although he disagrees privately, he stands behind the president's decision. "My door's always open," says Palmer. "If you have something to say, I expect you to bring it to me first." They hang up. "I still don't trust him," says Palmer. SecretServiceAgentwithSpeakingPart interrupts to tell Palmer about Rolaide's fall down "some stairs." She's in critical condition. PMHC shits his pants. The time is 03:37:45 AM.
Is Kiefer doing the voice-over for every single ad that was produced in the last two months or what?
The time is 03:42:02 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bitchelle sits at her computer, Kiefer drives somewhere, and some white guy I don't recognize ponders something. CTU. Bi-Carrie-ous enters. Bitchelle gives her the stink-eye. Soul Patch comes over to Bitchelle
's desk, and they talk privately about their attempts to track down Kiefer using a variety of Whatever Technological methods. From behind the pierced aluminum wall divider, Bi-Carrie-ous can hear their conversation.
Kiefer is in the henchmen's car. He pulls up to the parking lot where he was supposed to meet Cate and PMAA. But they are nowhere to be found. Oh, wait, there's PMAA. In that phone booth. What a "Dark City"! I know "A Few Good Men" who'd be really pissed off to find out that anti-Arab violence of this nature was happening in L.A. "Where's Cate?" asks Kiefer. With literally his last breath, PMAA explains that she's at her house exchanging money for the chip. "I'm not going to make it," he gasps. "Hang on," gasps Kiefer, hoping his velvety voice will revive PMAA. He dies anyway. Everybody drink! "PMAA, I'm sorry!" says Kiefer. Yeah, he's sorry they never got to make out! He gets back into his car and speeds off.
Hancock Park. Cate and the rednecks arrive at Cate's house. I'm confused, because this looks nothing like Chez Crew. It has one of those red laminate doors that you always see in front of ski condos or off-campus student housing. Hey! Kiefer made a movie for HBO last year called Behind The Red Door! I'm sensing another drinking game in the works. At first I thought that Cate had led them to a fake house as part of a brilliant scheme to fuck with them, but then it was pointed out on the forums that Cate -- 29-year-old graduate of Stanford that she is -- probably has her own place and this is it. Even though it is mighty odd, when you think about it, that up until now, everyone just assumed she still lives with her father and never gave it a second thought. "You live here? By yourself?" says one of the rednecks expositorily. Cate affirms this, and after the men threaten her some more, a key is produced from under the mat and everyone files into Cate's foyer. For some reason I'm totally expecting her to ask everyone to remove their shoes and not scuff the floors. An alarm goes off. The rednecks threaten her some more. Cate shuts it off. Her code? "1234." Whatever. "Show us where the money's at," says Redneck #1. Oh, you just know this guy's a murderous redneck. He just ended a sentence with a preposition and everything.
Cate's long ordeal with the sandblasters is starting to remind me of the first, last, and only time I was ever mugged in NYC. Now, before you all start getting too concerned, let me just state at the beginning that I wasn't injured and the police caught the guys. As muggings go, it wasn't so bad. However, it was the longest mugging ever. Seriously. This mugging took so long, my assailants were actually charged with kidnapping. What happened was, I had just graduated from college, and I was still doing crazy things like going out drinking late in the East Village on a Tuesday night even though I had a nine-to-five job waiting for me the day. So I'm walking home to my apartment, and there are these drunk guys behind me who obviously just came from the San Gennaro festival in Little Italy. They grabbed me, hit me a few times, and told me they had a gun. I believed them. They grabbed my wallet out of my pocket and -- well, I didn't have any cash. I did, however, have my ATM card, so they asked me what my code was. I gave them my actual PIN, and they held onto me just in case I wasn't being honest. Well, this was the early nineties, and at that point, downtown Manhattan had a serious shortage of cash machines. Cash machines that worked were even scarcer. So we're walking down Broadway looking for a cash machine, and there are no working cash machines. We cross Houston. We're totally in SoHo. Yuppies are coming out of the bars, and for all they know we're a bunch of dudes walking around looking for a party. I say I know of a cash machine at Spring and Hudson. We make a right on Spring Street and head for Hudson. At this point, according to the police, we have created a shitload of paperwork for the NYPD because we have traveled through four different precincts and each one of them has to be notified and produce a report. Meanwhile, one of them is holding onto me while the other two are running ahead and trying my card in various cash machines…which don't work. The guy who is my "escort" asks me what I'm doing after "this." Maybe we could go somewhere and "hang out." "You're kinda hot. Are you into boys?" Wow, I feel so validated that one of the guys who is mugging me thinks I'm cute! I'll have to cherish this memory the time I have an "ugly" day. Oh, and maybe if it works out, we'll have the funniest "how we met" story!
So eventually my adrenaline starts to calm down and it occurs to me that these boys don't actually have a gun. How did I arrive at this conclusion? Because every five seconds, one of them would get into my face and say, "Remember! We have a gun!" But they were probably going to beat the shit out of me once we found a working cash machine, since my checking account was virtually empty. It was time to bail. Now, this is where it gets crazy, because I am not the sort of person who does stuff like this. A cab pulls up to the curb beside us, and I scream, "Help me!" and run for the cab. I grab the door, and just as I do, the cab speeds up just as I am standing on the sidecar like Indiana Jones. The cab goes six blocks with me holding onto the side. He even tries to swerve left and right to throw me off the car. Finally he stops. I hop off, go to a Korean deli, and ask them to call the police. The police arrive and start to arrest me because they assume that I'm holding up the Korean deli. Finally the police figure everything out, and they ask me to get into the car with them and drive around to see if they can find the guys. The guys are standing in front of the very cash machine I told them about. They had forgotten my PIN and were sitting on the curb trying to remember it. The officers got out of the car, whipped out their guns, and told the boys to "spread 'em." They were really feverish about it too. "FACE THE WALL MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" I felt like Eva Peron. Oh, and the coolest part was that I got to file an "attempted rape" charge against the guy who was holding onto me. He was never convicted, but I'm sure he had some explaining to do to his buddies later on. And I'm sure that whatever he wanted from me, he eventually got from his cellmate at Rikers Island.
Division. Palmer and PoorMan'sHumeCronyn run outside just as paramedics are loading Rolaide's gurney into an ambulance. Palmer stops them to ask Rolaide some questions. Rolaide is in really bad shape. She has a concussion, and for some reason that's totally making her look like Karen Carpenter. "I'm so sorry," he says to her. Hey, didn't Kiefer just say the exact same thing to PMAA? Are the writers just copying and pasting the script at this point? The medics wave Palmer away, but Palmer realizes that she's trying to say something, although in her condition she can't speak. What's that, Lassie? Timmy pushed you down the well? My cabinet is conspiring to remove me from office? Rolaide manages to point at PMHC. PMHC craftily takes her hand as if comforting her and holds it. Good save! "Don't worry, Rolaide," says PMHC. "They're going to take good care of you." They take her away. The time is 03:47:34 AM.
The time is 03:51:59 AM. CTU. Bi-Carrie-ous approaches Soul Patch. She's got a proposition for him. She won't tell Chappelle that they're trying to find Kiefer if Soul Patch fires Bitchelle and gives Bi-Carrie-ous her job. Soul Patch calls Chappelle over. Bitchelle watches fitfully. "Carrie was trying to extort a promotion out of me." Bi-Carrie-ous starts to tell her side of the story but Chappelle tells her to get back to work. If Chappelle won't let Soul Patch do his thing, "I suggest you relieve me of my duties right now," says Soul Patch, now that the jig is up. "That won't be necessary," says Chappelle. "I just don't have anyone to take your place right now." So that was Chappelle's visit? Lame.
Hancock Park. Cate opens her safe and hands the rednecks a big pile of cash. Unfortunately, the cash is $20,000 in Euros, and the rednecks aren't too pleased with this. "Do we look European?" says Redneck #2. "We want cash money!" Okay, ending sentences with prepositions is one thing, but ignorance of recent developments in the European Union with regards to its currency is just unforgivable. These guys would be just the sort of fellows who'd beat up an Arab. And not even in a Camus-existentialist way, either. One of the rednecks, who incidentally looks Hispanic, finds some jewelry. Oh, please don't make this scene any more nauseating by having it be her dead mother's prized jewelry collection. Happily, no such statement is made. "Just take it all," says Cate. "Give me the chip." The Hispanic redneck ("rojo-neck"?) is worried that, since Cate knows what they look like, she'll tell. They are considering killing her when Kiefer enters and shoots everyone except for Redneck #1, who locks himself in the bathroom with the chip. "All I want is the chip" says Kiefer, shooting at the lock. "My name is Kiefer. I'm a federal agent. All I want is the chip and then I'll let you go." Redneck #1 is reluctant to leave the bathroom since Kiefer just mowed down a bunch of his friends. Redneck #1 threatens to crush the chip.
White House. PMHC watches via videophone as PoorMan'sJoeLieberman gathers the Cabinet members together in this room that looks just like the big room at NSA, only with a new paint job. PMJL thanks the group of suit-wearing extras for coming and keeping the meeting a secret. "Excuse me, Mr. Vice President, but shouldn't we wait for the President?" says some old white guy via videophone. PMJL explains that the President's absence is the point of the meeting. Everyone looks confused. Wait. He didn't even ask around before he decided to call together the cabinet and ask them to bring down Palmer? This is even lamer than I previously thought. PMJL begins to speak, and lays out the opening arguments for why Palmer is unfit to continue as President of the United States based on his response to the day's events. PMHC continues to watch the meeting with a confused intensity. The time is 03:59:58…03:59:59…04:00:00 AM.