Electric Blue Kiefer. Electric Blue Spawn. Electric Blue Palmer. 24. Previouslys. Bitchelle appeals to Kiefer to try to stop the military action based on the faked Cyprus recordings. Syed Ali is assassinated, and Kiefer calls Palmer to have him reconsider retaliating. HisPanic takes Spawn hostage and kills MenacingStoreOwner. The SeventhCoralSnake calls Kiefer. He knows who faked the recording, and he demands that Kiefer bring him Cate in return for proof. Soul Patch tries to prevent Kiefer from removing Cate from her debriefing…with a gun.
Kiefer and Cate run into the CTU parking garage and head for the Kiefmobile. Two not-lovers on the run. It's a Tiffany song. Cate stops, however, and demands to know what is going on before she gets into the car. "Do you trust me?" says Kiefer in his sweatiest sexiest trademark Sutherland whisper. "Cate? Do. You. Trust. Me." Cate mulls over this for a while. Maybe he's going to ask her if he can take nude Polaroids of her. I mean, sure, she'll do him, but trust is another issue altogether. Finally she admits that she trusts him. Like anyone can say no to the Kiefer and his velvety voice. Although he hasn't given his "word" yet, and that's always seals the deal. Kiefer tells her that all will be explained in the car, but they have to go now. Or should I say, "now!"? They enter the Kiefmobile.
Meanwhile, inside CTU, Lesbo-Carrie finds Soul Patch lying in the hallway after Kiefer decked him. Soul Patch's ankle is hurt. Of course, those of us who read up on these things know that Carlos Bernard has hurt his ankle in real life, so this latest plot twist has been formulated to explain the cast on his leg. Lesbo-Carrie runs to get a medic. Soul Patch tells her to call security and make sure that Kiefer and Cate don't leave the premises.
The Kiefmobile approaches the gate. The (African-American) security guard is opening the gate to let the Kiefmobile out when his phone rings. The guard is just about to stop the opening of the gate according to his instructions from Lesbo-Lesbo-Carrie when Kiefer steps on the gas and plows through all the same. Fortunately, the black security guard does not die. Kiefer asks if Cate is "okay," and starts to explain the situation: the US is about to retaliate against those three Middle Eastern countries for planting the B-O-M-B, and a full-scale war will result "which will effect every country on this planet!" "What does this have to do with me?" asks Cate. Yeah. What does this have to do with Cate, besides the whole "love interest" thing and all? Kiefer explains that someone called him who said he had evidence that the Cyprus tapes were forged. "He wouldn't give me any other information unless I brought you to him," says Kiefer. "Who is this man?" asks Cate. Kiefer doesn't know, but he intends to find out. He promises to protect Cate, but asks her to decide what she wants to do since her involvement will help stop WWIII. "I'm not going to lie to you," says Kiefer. "But I don't know what else to do and I'm running out of time."
Back at CTU, Lesbo-Carrie returns to Soul Patch's prostrate body with the promised medic, a dyke-y-looking African-American woman who examines his ankle, determines that it's definitely sprained, and goes off to get the first aid kit. She doesn't die either. Soul Patch asks Lesbo-Carrie about Kiefer. Lesbo-Carrie informs him that Kiefer krashed the gate and got away. However, she's alerted the LAPD and the FBI, who are now on the lookout for him. You know, if I were a policeman in L.A., I'd be so sick of hearing yet another APB over my radio for either Kiefer or Spawn, only to have them be lauded as heroes a few hours later. At some point, I'd just be like, "Make up your mind," and finish eating my doughnut. "I don't think Kiefer was acting alone," says Lesbo-Carrie. Soul Patch asks her to explain, and Lesbo-Carrie gives him a blow-by-blow of how Bitchelle interrupted the debriefing between HotAsianFromAngel and Cate, allowing Kiefer to swoop in and grab Cate. "So Kiefer was using that as a window," says Soul Patch. "Doesn't mean they were working together." Lesbo-Carrie insists, however, that Kiefer and Bitchelle were talking to each other beforehand and that it looked suspicious.
Meanwhile, Air Force One has landed and Palmer, Rolaide, and PoorMan'sHumeCronyn are disembarking and getting into a waiting limousine. So apparently there is a vice president. Who knew? Besides those of us who were reading the blurb in TV Guide for this week's episode, that is. According to Rolaide, he's meeting with the British ambassador in Washington and waiting to speak to him. Rolaide connects Palmer to Vice President Prescott, a Poor Man's Joe Lieberman. ["Over on ER, Elizabeth Corday paralyzed PMJL while rushing to finish his back surgery. I see she also removed his Australian accent for biopsy." -- Sars] Palmer asks him what the British reaction is to the "California bombing." PoorMan'sJoeLieberman tells Palmer that the British are stunned and that their military is on high alert. Furthermore, he will be meeting with the British ambassador, and wants to know if it's okay to let him know about their plans to retaliate. Palmer says no; it may be premature to do so as they might not go through with the attack. "I don't understand," says PMJL. Palmer tells him that the evidence might be false. PMJL thinks it may be too late for them to turn back on military action, yet Palmer insists. "With all due respect," says PMJL. "It's too late for second thoughts." Because, after all, if you get the notion to bomb a country, you really have to go through with it, because God forbid the U.S. should look like it takes these ethical decisions seriously or anything. Palmer reminds him not to say anything to the ambassador, and they hang up. "Mr. President," says PoorMan'sHumeCronyn. "I know you trust Kiefer implicitly but to equivocate our response in a matter of this importance makes me feel very uncomfortable." Hmmm. You know, up until now, I thought that it would be rash to bomb three countries without consulting Congress or even waiting a few days to see how things play out. But now that I know that PMHC is "uncomfortable" waiting until the afternoon, I totally stand corrected. Rolaide tells Palmer that she agrees with PMHC. "Noted," says Palmer. Both Rolaide and PoorMan'sHumeCronyn give the camera good long mole-y looks.
Okay, you know you're in for a trying episode of 24 when the Spawn subplot actually gets going before the first commercial interruption. At the convenience store, a SWAT team has gathered in the parking lot. They've surrounded the store, and some hostage negotiator is barking orders through a megaphone and everything. Um, the B-O-M-B just went off a few miles away. That's why HisPanic is panicking, right? So why has every law enforcement stooge in Southern California dropped everything in order to restore order to this convenience store that closed for business an hour ago? Doesn't anyone have any looting or pillaging to do? Meanwhile, inside, Spawn tries to pressing towels on MenacingStoreOwner's chest to stop the bleeding. HisPanic pleads with her not to let him die. Spawn insists that they need to get MSO to a hospital and begs HisPanic to give himself up to the police, but HisPanic is in a K-hole of panic. He mumbles incoherently about a war and his pregnant wife outside. The police outside demand him to release anyone who is in need of medical attention. He ignores them. Suddenly, MenacingStoreOwner stiffens. And no, I don't mean like that. Spawn attempts CPR, but it doesn't look too good. "Please don't die," moans HisPanic over and over again. Shut up, HisPanic!
As Kiefer drives the Kiefmobile towards the appointed meeting place, Cate asks him why he can't just get his friends at CTU to help him. Kiefer explains that Soul Patch is now in charge; he's under a lot of pressure and therefore isn't open to dissent. Kiefer checks his rearview mirror and notices that they are being followed. They turn into an alley, and the other car is still behind them. Kiefer jumps out and pulls a gun on the driver. It's PoorMan'sArmandAssante. PMAA explains breathlessly that since he's not being given any access to information at CTU, he decided to follow Kiefer around after he watched him take down Soul Patch. Kiefer explains that he's not trying to prevent the invasion of Fauxraqistan; he's just trying to help the President make his decisions based on fact. PMAA states once again that his country is not responsible for the B-O-M-B, and offers to help Kiefer get to the bottom of everything since Kiefer is now isolated from CTU and will need an insider.
CTU. Soul Patch, walking on crutches, approaches Bitchelle and tells her that Lesbo-Carrie saw him talking to Kiefer. "Yeah," says Bitchelle, shrugging. "Is that a problem?" He asks Bitchelle if she helped Kiefer kidnap a witness. Bitchelle lies and says that she did not intentionally draw the agent away from Cate Warner. "Is that what Lesbo-Carrie told you?" she asks. Soul Patch affirms this. "She doesn't know what she's talking about," insists Bitchelle. She claims that Lesbo-Carrie is trying to fuck with her. "Why?" asks Soul Patch. "Because she'd like to see me out of here," says Bitchelle. "Why?" asks Soul Patch again. "Because I don't like her." Soul Patch asks her to tell him about it -- every last delicious detail -- but Bitchelle declines, insisting that whatever is up, it's not going to interfere with her work. Soul Patch is all, "Okay," and dismisses her from his office. The time is 12:12:55 AM.
"Find Jack Bauer," says Electric Blue Palmer. Echo echo echo. The time is 12:17:21 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch ponders the latest turn of events, PMHC stares at Palmer, and Kiefer and Cate drive to their meeting place. Wow, they're really pushing this Spawn storyline. It's even leading the second act. At the convenience store, the police continue to ask HisPanic to turn himself in over the megaphone. Inside, HisPanic is whining about having to go to prison for the rest of his life. Uh, yeah, that tends to happen when you kill someone. (I'm assuming MenacingStoreOwner is dead because they've given up on the whole CPR thing.) Meanwhile, Spawn is wiping down the coffee station for some reason and trying to assure HisPanic that everything is going to be okay if he turns himself in. The phone rings. Spawn goes to get it, but HisPanic tells her not to. He answers it himself, and it's the police, urging him to come out or at least let anyone out who may need medical attention. HisPanic explains that where the MenacingStoreOwner is concerned, it's too late for anything like that. He starts ruminating again about the B-O-M-B and the war and his wife. They put his wife on the phone. HisPanic admits to her that he's killed a man. He tells her to leave the city so that she can be safe from the oncoming war. "Ramon, mijo!" says Señora HisPanic all Telemundo-style. He then orders the police to take his wife to Monterey. Once she arrives there, he will release Spawn. Spawn doesn't look too thrilled about this.
Kiefer pulls up to the warehouse where he is to meet the SeventhCoralSnake, and selects a gun from a rather healthy-looking arsenal in the trunk of the Kiefmobile. "What do you want me to do?" asks Cate. He tells Cate to remain where she is in the Kiefmobile and call him on the car phone if there's an emergency. "Don't forget," says Kiefer. "I will do everything I have to to protect you." Cate gives him one of her barely perceptible nods. Kiefer then slithers through a huge amount of dry ice until he finds the entrance to the warehouse beneath a neon sign. He enters the building with his gun drawn and makes those Silence of the Lambs-style defensive movements. Inside, he finds the SeventhCoralSnake. Now, I think I should point out here that SeventhCoralSnake and Colonel Sanders are two different characters. We haven't met Colonel Sanders yet. SeventhCoralSnake served under Colonel Sanders and killed all of his men. Colonel Sanders is the commanding officer of the renegade group. I'm just pointing this out because I've gotten about twenty emails this week asking me why I changed Colonel Sanders's nickname, and I haven't. I'm simply talking about a whole other character. Kiefer makes him drop his weapon and scans his body with something called a Dunlap -- a whatever technology metal detector. SCS warns him that the device is going to pick up some shrapnel in his rib cage, and indeed it does. Kiefer demands to know who he is. SCS explains that he's a member of the Coral Snakes from Fort Benning, and on command he shows Kiefer his forearm, exposing a telltale Coral Snake tattoo. "So you're the seventh man," says Kiefer.
Then SCS sits down at a table with his hands visible to Kiefer and explains that he took out his own platoon so that they couldn't stop the B-O-M-B from detonating. Kiefer asks to what end. "What else, Kiefer?" says SCS. "To start a war." SCS also admits to planting the Cyprus recording so that the B-O-M-B was blamed on Fauxraqistan, Tofurkey, and Akalakistan. His goal was to force the United States to attack the Middle East. "Why?" asks Kiefer. "They didn't tell me," says SCS. "But they didn't have to." The people who hired SCS control oil in the Caspian Sea; a war with the Middle East would create a demand for non-Arab oil and therefore quadruple their holdings' value for at least a decade. "At the cost of destroying Los Angeles?" says Kiefer. "You got it," says SCS. Kiefer asks him what he wants with Cate. SCS explains that the oilmen tried to kill SCS an hour ago and failed, but took out his transport team. Because Warner Industries has a Department of Defense variance, Cate can authorize SCS's departure out of the country since she's a board member. While he is talking to Kiefer, SCS secretly taps his foot against a plug in its socket underneath the table. "So evidence against the Cyprus recording in return for your departure? That's the deal?" says Kiefer. "Yep," says SCS. Uh, I hate to break it to you, CSC, but now that Pop Warner is in CIA custody, that DoD variance might not be all that valid. Just saying. Have you considered getting a wig, some glasses, and a fake passport? Or would that be too efficient and make too much sense?
CSC's jostling of the plug with his toe, as it turns out, is causing the neon sign outside the warehouse to flicker. This is a signal for another armed man, SCS's second banana, to approach Cate as she waits in Kiefer's car. "Keep your mouth shut and get out of the car," he orders her, rapping on the window. Cate does as she's told until PoorMan'sArmandAssante appears and cracks Second Banana over the head with his weapon. The man drops unconscious. "Are you okay?" asks PMAA. Meanwhile, inside the warehouse, SCS is telling Kiefer that he holds the source recordings that were mixed down to create the faked Cyprus tape. Kiefer's cell phone rings. He answers it. It's PMAA, telling him about the other guy. Kiefer hands the phone to SCS. PMAA tells SCS that the man he sent for Cate is unconscious and will be out for a while. SCS hangs up and tells Kiefer that he won't turn over the evidence unless Cate comes with him to personally authorize the charter. Kiefer promises that Cate will authorize the charter, but SCS points out that Cate will have to be aboard, and he will have to "dispose of her" once he's reached his destination. Kiefer says that he won't let that happen, and doesn't give in to SCS's demands. SCS gathers his weapons to leave. With no other choice, Kiefer stops him. He radios PMAA to bring Cate in. The time is 12:26:46 AM.
"Cate, do you trust me?" says Electric Blue Kiefer. Echo echo echo. The time is 12:31:04 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn writhes in captivity, Kiefer looks off into space really hard, and PMHC thinks really hard too. At District Headquarters -- the famous "District" we've been hearing about forever -- Rolaide and PMHC discuss how they need to talk to Kiefer, since the president won't commit to the war until he has kontact with the velvety-voiced one. Rolaide objects to going behind Palmer's back, but PMHC argues that if he can get some concrete information, he can support the President more effectively. "And if you can't?" asks Rolaide. "Then at least I'll have the conviction to talk the President through the situation because right now I'm in the dark." Rolaide starts to protest, but PMHC assures her that he'll take care of everything and that her hesitation to go around the President is "duly noted." Rolaide dials CTU on her cell phone and hands it to PMHC.
PMHC asks Soul Patch if he can speak to Kiefer. Soul Patch explains that Kiefer is missing, along with a material witness he took off with illegally. PMHC tells Soul Patch to have him get in touch with PMHC as soon as he turns up. Soul Patch calls Lesbo-Carrie and summons her to his desk. Bitchelle watches nervously as LC approaches Soul Patch's office. Lesbo-Carrie briefs Soul Patch on the hunt for Kiefer. Satellite didn't pick up his exit from CTU, and he has not made contact with anyone. The Warner house and office are also being watched. "Have you talked to Bitchelle?" asks Lesbo-Carrie. Lesbo-Carrie asks if he thinks she concocted the stories because the two of them are not friendly. Soul Patch says nothing. "Kiefer and Bitchelle were talking before he took Cate Warner," she says. "It was conspiratorial." Soul Patch believes her story and has Lesbo-Carrie put a filter on all of Bitchelle's communications. "Let me know when Kiefer tries to contact her," says Soul Patch.
The Inconvenient Convenience Store. The police take HisPanic's wife away in a cruiser. She sobs in the backseat and stares at her husband through the window with her top teeth sticking out. Spawn asks what will happen to her. HisPanic tells Spawn not to push him, and blames her for pointing the gun at him and setting off the whole brouhaha. "What were you doing with the gun in the first place?" he asks, threatening her with it. "Were you planning to rip this place off?" Spawn tells HisPanic that she was armed only because her father died in the explosion and she was scared. Moved by her story, HisPanic puts down the gun and answers the phone, which has begun to ring again. It's the police, begging him to let Spawn go now that his wife has been delivered to safety as requested. He threatens to kill Spawn if they raid the store. As he talks to the policeman, Spawn runs to the ladies' room -- where she should have stayed in the first place -- and locks herself inside. The police help her escape outside. HisPanic panics.
Back at the warehouse, PMAA ties up the Second Banana and asks him if there were any other men helping him. The Second Banana says no. "Cate, turn the other way," says PMAA suavely, and makes as if to shoot the Second Banana in the head. "There's no one else," cries SB. PMAA knocks him out cold. He takes Cate and sweeps the outside perimeter to make sure there are no other men, an action that will take a few minutes. He notifies Kiefer of this, so Kiefer must hang out inside with SCS. "And here we are without a deck of cards," says SCS. SCS starts to reminisce about how he was at Fort Benning when Colonel Sanders unsuccessfully tried to recruit Kiefer to be a Coral Snake. "He was real disappointed you turned him down," says SCS. "He said you were a born killer." Kiefer looks down at his shoes. The time is 12:39:49 AM.
CTU. While working at her station, Bitchelle gets an error alert from her computer. "Nee nah nee nah nee nah" go the electric violins on the soundtrack. She calls Lesbo-Carrie to ask if she received the same alert, but Lesbo-Carrie says the problem must be on her end. Bitchelle goes off to find a solution. Lesbo-Carrie then walks over to Bitchelle's station. She does something to Bitchelle's computer so that she can track Bitchelle's keystrokes or whatever on her own computer. Hey, whatever happened to those spy cams? I didn't think Lesbo-Carrie would actually have to go over to Bitchelle's desk in order to spy on her.
District. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn tells Palmer about Kiefer's abduction of Cate from CTU and a variety of other misdeeds. "I know how much this country owes him," says PMHC. "But it seems that he's going through some kind of emotional collapse." Palmer, however, trusts that Kiefer is doing what is necessary to prove that the Cyprus recordings are not authentic. PMHC argues that they already have "incontrovertible proof" that the Cyprus records are legitimate. Nevertheless, Palmer orders PoorMan'sHumeCronyn to find Kiefer.
The warehouse. SCS tells Kiefer that, once he and Cate have escaped, he will notify him where the evidence is. Kiefer asks what kind of leverage he has to insure that SCS will hand over the evidence. "This is just one of those situations where you just have to trust me," says SCS. Cate enters the warehouse, escorted by PMAA. "Kiefer? What's going on?" asks Cate. "You and me are going on a little trip," says SCS. Kiefer reluctantly tells her that she has to go with SCS. "You gave me your word," says Cate. Kiefer apologizes coldly. "Do what he says and I promise you that you won't get hurt," says Kiefer. The time is 12:49:10 AM.
Bitchelle's phone rings. It's a guy named Danny. Lesbo-Carrie listens in as Danny asks Bitchelle if he and the children are safe from the B-O-M-B he's been hearing about. Unfortunately, she can't give him any more information. Bitchelle tries to calm Danny down, but he threatens to call Lesbo-Carrie to find out what's going on because Bitchelle won't tell him anything. Bitchelle thought that he stopped speaking to Lesbo-Carrie. Danny confirms this; he thinks Lesbo-Carrie is a bitch. He abruptly hangs up. Lesbo-Carrie deletes this call from her database file. They were fighting over a man? Jeez, that's lame.
Back at the Inconvenient Convenience Store, the SWAT team is closing in, and the police tell HisPanic to give up his weapon. He doesn't come out, and the cops raid the building. Spawn watches in horror as gunfire ensues. A medical team is called in. No one cares.
Since Palmer is in a briefing with CTU Director Chappelle, PoorMan'sHumeCronyn and Rolaide meet with PoorMan'sJoeLieberman via videophone. PMJL informs them that the British ambassador is frustrated that the United States is planning an attack against the Middle East without coordinating with his country. Oh, like England wouldn't be thrilled to be left out of such a war in real life judging by Tony Blair's popularity these days. PMJL asks PoorMan'sHumeCronyn what's going on with the plans for war, questioning Palmer's softness on the issue. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn believes that Palmer is capable of making the right decision and is committed to the military action; he only wants to cover every base. The Vice President hangs up, and PoorMan'sHumeCronyn tells Rolaide that, with the planes in the air ready to begin the attack, it will be a disaster to turn them around based on one CTU agent's claim of evidence. Rolaide wonders what they are going to do .
SCS orders Cate to get into the trunk of his car. She doesn't want to, but Kiefer urges her to do it for her own safety. Cate looks at Kiefer and obeys. PMAA whispers to Kiefer that he put the tracker on the car. Suddenly, the car windshield shatters. Gunfire comes from above the warehouse. SCS, Kiefer, and PMAA return fire.