In times like these, we all need a hero. Yeah, sing it, Pearl Jam...I mean, Creed. 24 has returned. An all-new episode starts now. Electric blue Kiefer. Electric blue Spawn. Electric blue Palmer. Nice of them to acknowledge the other cast members one more time. I guess Fox is getting cocky about the new ratings and assumes that we're all on board, because there's no Kiefer intro speech this week about this being the longest day of his life, despite our three-week hiatus.
Previouslys. The B-O-M-B must be flown and detonated over the Mojave Desert. Kiefer volunteers to fly the plane for what is essentially a suicide mission. Palmer takes Air Force One to Los Angeles. A Fauxraqistani intelligence liaison shows up at CTU and immediately starts clashing with Soul Patch. A recording is found in Syed Ali's apartment that links the B-O-M-B to "three Middle Eastern countries." Spawn finally gets a hold of Kiefer by phone, only to find out that her father is going to die. Mason sneaks aboard Flight 86 and relieves us of a Kiefer-free show. Holy shiitake! It's a mushroom cloud!
Mojave Desert. The mushroom cloud is still abloom. I've always thought that mushroom clouds were really pretty -- despite the fact that they're caused by the mega-deadly explosion of a nuclear warhead -- and this one is no exception. It's all saturated red and gold like a Maxfield Parrish landscape or an old Rheingold beer ad. At CTU, the agents watch the explosion on a variety of video screens. Soul Patch is dumbfounded. Lesbo-Carrie is dreaming of all the sweet pussy she's going to get from all the terrified women of Los Angeles. Meanwhile, on Air Force One, Palmer sits with PoorMan'sHumeCronyn and watches the explosion from the air in his private cabin. Through his window, it just looks like a sunrise. He's fascinated and yet terrified by the sight of it. A grief-stricken Rolaide enters his cabin and studies his reaction. From the highway, Spawn cries over what she thinks is the death of her father as she watches the mushroom cloud that took him looming over the mountains. A sad piano theme plays as she turns away and sits down on the curb. "Daddy!" she cries, running her fingers through her hair and giving us a nice long look at her immaculate manicure. An electrically generated boy's choir sings in the background.
A flare is lit. And then another. And another. It's Kiefer on the ground, signaling for a CTU chopper to bring him back to CTU. Trumpets announce the arrival of a chopper that lands amidst the smoky blue and orange flames streaming from the burning flares. Kiefer climbs aboard and asks the handsome black agent to get in touch with Soul Patch and tell him that he made it. He needs Soul Patch to relay the news to Spawn that he's still alive. But alas, radio transmissions are a "no go" due to the blast, according to this week's handsome black agent who's not dead yet. Jeez, I could have told Kiefer that. Didn't he see The Day After on ABC?
Back at CTU, Soul Patch gathers the agents around him for yet another heartwarming speech to pay respect to Mason and pass along Mason's posthumous thanks for all their hard work that "day." And, like the speech he gave to the staff a little over an "hour" ago, he winds up by urging everyone to get back to work. Jeez, I mean, the B-O-M-B is no longer an urgent issue. Can't they all just sit down and order in some Chinese for fifteen friggin' minutes now that L.A. isn't going to blow up? Soul Patch wants everyone to turn their attention to the recording made in Cyprus that confirms that Fauxraqistan, Akalakistan, and Tofurkey (tm Jjayelle) hired Syed Ali to plant the B-O-M-B. According to Soul Patch, the verification of the tape is a big priority, since Palmer wants to consider a military response right then and there. Okay, this is my primary beef with this season. The whole artistic point of 24 -- at least as I see it -- has been to show that a lot can happen in a twenty-four-hour period: families can fall apart, people's perspectives can change on their entire lives, and conflicts can emerge that destroy lives, et cetera. Now, I realize that "reality" -- whatever that is -- may have to be jimmied with a little in order to bring such a "day" to life. However, this season, as opposed to last season, feels like they've just taken a bunch of events that would normally occur over a series of weeks or even months and crammed them all together in order to fit into a fictional twenty-four-hour period. So instead of zeroing in on a day and the amount of drama that can unfold therein, the writers are just overstuffing a normal day full of unlikely activity. It would be like if I decided I wanted the thirty-two-inch waist I had in college, and instead of dieting and exercising or even purging and liposuction, I just took a pair of jeans that I normally wear and wrote in "32" on the label, or bought a pair of real 32" jeans and fastened them with a belt at my knees and hopped around all day. It's not like I'm fooling anyone. There's just no way -- even in the hyperbolic 24-verse -- that the U.S., led by a Democratic president, would go to war within hours of a terrorist attack...a failed terrorist attack at that.
And to make things even worse, there just happens to be a real live war going on right now that we can't help but compare this show to. Even the invasion of Afghanistan -- our country's first response to 9/11 under the leadership of an arch-conservative -- took several weeks to begin. Wars don't generally happen just because a country is strong enough and angry enough to wage them. There are lots of other parties (countries, coalitions, and so on) to consult with. Air space needs to be authorized, and alliances need to be forged with other governments. Even this war with Iraq, which we're essentially going into alone, took almost two years to get going.
Anyway, Soul Patch wraps it up, and PoorMan'sArmandAssante, who has been listening, approaches him and complains that he's got to report back to his office, but he has nothing to report since no one is keeping him in the loop. "I'll tell you what I can when I can," says a defiant Soul Patch. PMAA reminds Soul Patch that his fictional country allowed the CIA to raid Ali's apartment as long as they let PMAA participate in the ensuing investigation. Soul Patch tells PMAA to call his office and tell them whatever he wants. "We've got work to do here," says Soul Patch. "And you're simply not authorized to be a part of it." The two men make challenging eye contact. PMAA is the first to break it. He slinks back to wherever it is that CTU guests cool their heels and read magazines. "He doesn't look too happy," says Lesbo-Carrie, who, meanwhile, has walked over to help Soul Patch intimidate PMAA visually with her swaggering posture and her man-tailored suit. They head over to the audio lab.
Lesbo-Carrie asks where Bitchelle is, since she was not in attendance when Soul Patch addressed the office. Soul Patch explains that she's interrogating Syed Ali. "Why?" asks Lesbo-Carrie. Soul Patch explains that Bitchelle might be able to get some valuable information out of Syed Ali about the recording. He asks LC to go and start verifying the tape without him. LC does just that. Soul Patch stays behind to study PoorMan'sArmandAssante's every move in a non-homoerotic manner.
Meanwhile, in one of the interrogation rooms, Syed Ali sits chained to an Emeco Naval chair while Bitchelle, wearing a form-fitting plum v-neck sweater, plays him the tape recording from Cyprus. Hell, I could have told you the tape was faked. It's full of obvious dialogue like, "Akalakalakalak you will receive the funds and the bomb through the channels we discussed jihad jihad we will change the world." Nevertheless, Bitchelle pulls out some 8x10s of some officials of "three Arab countries" and is all, "This tape proves that you conspired with these men to detonate a B-O-M-B on U.S. soil." Well, technically, Bitchelle, they conspired to detonate it in the air, but we get your overall point. Syed Ali, who is wearing the most painful-looking broken nose prosthetic I have ever seen, glares at her silently as she asks who else participated in the meeting in question. Seriously, he looks like Rossy De Palma and Rocky Balboa had a love child who went to Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a few too many times. Oh, and he's also got one of those teeny tiny butterfly bandages on his face which is otherwise covered with open sores. It's like the bandage isn't really doing anything medically; it's just there as a signifier. Bitchelle informs Syed that if he refuses to speak to her, he'll have to speak to the interrogators at Guantanamo Bay. Is that supposed to be a threat? I myself have always wanted to see Cuba, and it sounds like they're offering him a free trip. Okay, Gustave, if you don't talk, we're going to ask you again...over a glass of wine in a restaurant in Barcelona!! Okay, okay, I realize that Guantanamo Bay isn't the same as, say, Havana, but I'm so hard up for sunshine right now, I'm even looking longingly at those Iraqi sandstorms on CNN. Syed asks her what she wants him to say. Bitchelle maintains that she just wants the truth. "What does the truth matter when you have this...recording?" asks Syed, whose accent is starting to sound more Julio Iglesias than Omar Sharif. Bitchelle asks him what he means. Julio Ali maintains that no such meeting ever took place. He was in Berlin at the time. Bitchelle isn't buying, and basically decides to hand him over to the professionals at Guantanamo. "Why would I lie to you when I told you the truth about the B-O-M-B?" asks Syed. Um, because back then, they were about to kill your kid? Bitchelle accuses him of trying to protect his country. Syed insists that the Second Wave was acting alone and that he has never met those officials.
Meanwhile, in another room at CTU, Soul Patch joins Lesbo-Carrie and the rest of the audio technicians who have concluded -- after less than an hour of analysis, mind you -- that there is no way the tape could be fake. Bitchelle enters, takes a seat at the table, and announces that Syed Ali has told her that the tape is a fake and that he was in Berlin when the meeting supposedly took place. Across the table, Lesbo-Carrie shoots her a glance that could either be saying "bitch, you crazy" or "shut up and take off your sweater, I'm all out of talk!" Soul Patch argues that since Syed still thinks his son has been murdered, there's no way he'd be cooperative with CTU. Bitchelle maintains that she thinks he might be telling the truth, and even if he's not, they should investigate further. Lesbo-Carrie isn't having it. She feels that the physical evidence verified by the audio technicians trumps the word of a known terrorist. "And no offense, Bitchelle," says LC, "but your experience as an interrogator is limited." Bitchelle insists that Ali is a broken man who has no reason to lie anymore. Soul Patch ends the meeting and promises both ladies that he'll present their findings -- along with Bitchelle's thoughts -- to the President.
The time is 11:12:05 PM. On Air Force One, PMHC informs Palmer that, so far, there have been no known casualties due the detonation of the B-O-M-B...except for the pilot. Palmer tells PMHC to offer his condolences to Kiefer's Spawn, and learns that it was Mason and not Kiefer who was flying the plane. Palmer asks how the switch took place. "We're still getting the details," says PMHC. Palmer just makes a face as if to say, "What a wacky hospital!" like Bill Murray did in the final act of Tootsie. Rolaide enters to announce that CTU determined that the Cyprus tape was real, and therefore Syed Ali had the direct support of Fauxraqistan, Akalakistan, and Tofurkey. "Do we have any reason to doubt the veracity of this report?" asks Palmer. Oooh! Someone's taking the SATs soon! Rolaide tells them about Syed Ali's denial. "But I suppose that's to be expected," she says. Palmer sees no reason not to respond. He calls for a meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and issues a public statement that the B-O-M-B went off and there were no casualties. "And contact the Hill," says Palmer. "Let them know I'll be calling an emergency session of Congress during which I'll be asking them for a formal declaration of war." Dun dun dun! The time is 11:14:05 PM.
Okay, whoever thought of casting Kiefer in this voice-only role in Phone Booth is a genius. Oh, wait, Joel Schumacher made this film. So much for that idea. Nevertheless, I think that Hollywood is onto something. Instead of casting our favorite actors in films, let's just cast our favorite parts of them. In this case, why have Kiefer do anything but speak menacingly to Colin Farrell? I'll go. Hopefully, if this film is a hit, we could be seeing films featuring only J.Lo's ass, Halle Berry's breasts, Angelina Jolie's lips, and Billy Bob Thornton's package. Just animate them and have them dance around and sing show tunes. It'll be awesome.
The time is 11:18:19 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn is still sitting by the side of the road, Kiefer is flying back to L.A., Palmer sits at his desk in front of his Presidential screen saver, and Bitchelle goes back to her desk to work. Soul Patch approaches Bitchelle's desk and asks for something. Bitchelle is frosty towards him. Soul Patch asks if she's okay after all that tension between her and Lesbo-Carrie. "I can handle Carrie," says Bitchelle. And you have. Soul Patch assures her that the folks at Guantanamo will continue to get to the bottom of Syed Ali's claims. "It may be too late," says Bitchelle.
Air Force One. I want this plane! Not only does it have all these nice big rooms inside, it also has a huge video screen so Palmer can have a virtual meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff by videophone. General Windbag, who is actually on the plane with the President's staff, informs him that they can start making surgical strikes that very day, even though it will take weeks to send in ground troops. Palmer wants to start shooting before he addresses the nation the day. Uh, what? They continue to talk about more boring war stuff some more until Rolaide enters to tell Palmer that the Deputy Prime Minister of Fauxraqistan in on the phone again. Palmer takes the call reluctantly. Okay, you know that scene in the miniseries based on Jackie Collins's Hollywood Wives where Mary Crosby, that actress who shot JR and then disappeared off the face of the earth, is sleeping with her best friend Candice Bergen's husband and Candice totally finds out about it and Mary Crosby calls her up, not knowing that she knows, and she's all, "Hi, what's up?" and Candice is all, "Gotta go"? Okay, that's what this is like, except it's Palmer and some Arab-ish-looking actor, and there's no sex or adultery involved, just warfare. Basically, the Fauxraqi Deputy Prime Minister congratulates Palmer on detonating the B-O-M-B in time, and insists that his country will cooperate in any way they can since they were not involved with the Second Wave at all. Palmer is all, whatever. He promises not to "rush to judgment" and hangs up. After he does, PMHC is totally there in the room smirking at him for some reason.
The time is 11:22:43 PM. Back at CTU, a bloody Syed Ali is being escorted out of the building by a team of agents, just as Kiefer is entering it. As they pass in the halls, Syed -- who still thinks that Kiefer killed his son -- shouts something menacing at him. It sounds like he's saying, "Shabu shabu danoo shana ya gub!" You know, I was at the NYC TWoPCon this weekend and I was sitting to this really sweet woman who is a professor at CUNY. She was basically there to bid on a postcard signed by Deborah because she's a big fan of Deborah's The West Wingrecaps. We're talking, and she asks me what I do for TWoP, and I was saying that I write the recaps for 24. So she's all, "Wow, I just admire how hard you all work. Deborah obviously does so much research on the inner workings of the United States government in order to write her recaps, and I'm sure you have to know a lot about the CIA and the Middle East in order to write yours." The vodka and tonic that Amisha bought me almost fell into my lap. I was like, "You haven't read any of my recaps, have you?" She hadn't. Soul Patch, who is overseeing the transport of Syed Ali, welcomes Kiefer back to CTU. Kiefer asks after Spawn, and Soul Patch gives him the number of an agent who is waiting for her at Aunt Carol's. Jeez, even Soul Patch is calling her "Aunt Carol." Does this woman have anything going on in her life other than the good fortune of having siblings who procreate? Kiefer congratulates Soul Patch on being put in charge. They both promise to "catch up" later.
Back on the floor on CTU, Bitchelle hovers around Kiefer as he tries unsuccessfully to get in touch with the agent who is waiting for Spawn at Aunt Carol's. Hey, Kiefer? Why don't you call Aunt Carol directly? Seriously, what kind of bitch is this woman if a national emergency can't persuade her own brother (or brother-in-law) to call her up and ask her if she's seen his daughter lately? As Bitchelle waits for an opportunity to talk to Kiefer, Lesbo-Carrie watches Bitchelle through the pierced aluminum wall divider. Finally Kiefer gets off the phone. Bitchelle wets her lips and tells Kiefer of her suspicions about the legitimacy of the tape...a tape that would set off a retaliatory military action. She begs Kiefer to interrogate Syed Ali one more time before he goes off to Guantanamo. Kiefer promises to see what he can do. Then he has Bitchelle act as his own personal secretary in the meantime and track down Spawn at Aunt Carol's. A rack focus shows Lesbo-Carrie still watching Bitchelle from behind the aluminum wall divider. Nice legs, Lesbo-Carrie!
Outside, Kiefer katches up to Syed Ali's team of escorts and tells them to hold up. He puts his face up nice and close to Syed's and gives him the Sutherland velvet, telling him that his son's death was fake and that he'll be able to talk to his family when he gets to Guantanamo. Oh, so there'll be a phone in his 4' x 8' chicken wire cage? Whatever. Syed is momentarily touched by this. Aw! Terrorists have feelings too! "I need to know something," says Kiefer, now that he has Syed's attention. "The Cyprus recording, is it fake?" Syed assures Kiefer that it is. Kiefer thanks him. Just then, a bullet hits Syed Ali in the head. Kiefer gets out of the way, taking a handsome black agent escort protectively with him. Hee! Shout-out! Syed Ali falls to the ground and everyone draws their guns and looks for the sniper. The time is 11:26:56 PM.
The time is 11:31:11 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Bitchelle walks across the CTU floor as Lesbo-Carrie stares at her, Spawn makes her way down the long lonely road of life, and Rolaide stares off into space aboard Air Force One. Back at the CTU parking lot, Syed Ali's got a sheet over him, a CTU chopper is searching the area, and Soul Patch and Kiefer are discussing what just went down. Soul Patch is wondering how the sniper knew they were moving Syed Ali. Kiefer points out that everyone knew they had him in custody, so the leak could have come from anywhere. Soul Patch wonders if it was one of the three countries implicated in the recording. Kiefer, meanwhile, is even more convinced that the recording was a fake. "You talked to Bitchelle," says Soul Patch, feeling threatened. Kiefer lies that he only talked to Syed Ali. They argue back and forth over this for a while. Kiefer insists that they examine every possible angle just to be prudent. Soul Patch points out that Kiefer has always been anything but prudent, the way he works for CTU. "I think it's time you go get your daughter," says Soul Patch.
Meanwhile, on the road, Spawn comes upon a closed convenience store. She tries to make a phone call from a pay phone out front, but all the lines are busy at CTU. "Is there some kind of problem?" asks the very scary-looking owner of the convenience store sneaking up on her. Okay, here's one thing you can be sure of as far as Spawn subplots go: the nicer someone is to Spawn when they first meet her, the more they are going to try to fuck with her once they gain her trust. I'm thinking that this guy is going to save her life and leave her his life savings when he dies. Spawn asks if she can use the bathroom. MenacingStoreOwner lets her inside and tells her to be quick. My, doesn't he look skeevy as he locks the front door? He's probably going to give her one of his kidneys someday.
Air Force One. General Windbag talks to Palmer and the Joint Chiefs about war. I'm not really paying attention to a mélange of fun words like "casualties," "ground assault," "China," and "Russia." Dude, who needs this scene when you can just switch over to CNN? The phone rings. It's Kiefer. He tells Palmer about Ali's assassination and warns Palmer that the Cyprus recording might be a fake. Palmer asks him to gather more proof, as he can't stop the war without it.
The time is 11:41:43 PM. Kiefer calls Bitchelle to tell her that she might be onto something, and asks her what else she can find out about this recording. According to Bitchelle, their only proof so far is Syed Ali's word. She does, however, mention the presence of PoorMan'sArmandAssante in the office. Kiefer goes to look up PMAA's background when who should come breezing down the halls of CTU High but Cate. Her fish lips jut out and register shock to see Kiefer alive. Apparently no one mentioned the switcheroo to her. She's glad to see he's okay, but she's gotta go get debriefed by HotAsianFromAngel.
PMHC comes to Palmer to give him the good news that General Windbag's predictions aren't as bad as previously thought...although they're still pretty bad. Palmer is not comforted by this news. He's still hung up on what Kiefer told him over the phone, and discusses these fears with PMHC. PMHC explains to Palmer that while his prudent nature is what makes him a great leader, it's also his biggest downfall. Palmer doesn't want to act too hastily by starting a war. PMHC wants to act fast on CTU's information.
Kiefer enters the men's room where PMAA is washing up -- no comment -- and introduces himself. PMAA gives him the cold shoulder, even after Kiefer assures him that he's secretly on his side. Kiefer asks whether it is possible that the Cyprus recording found in Syed's house could have been compromised or even planted altogether. Yusuf doesn't want to supply Kiefer with information, since Kiefer isn't sharing any with him, and leaves the men's room in a huff. Kiefer's cell phone rings. An unseen man identifies himself as the one who planted the bogus tape and shot Ali. The man demands that Kiefer bring Cate, of all people, to a particular warehouse in the middle of the episode...I mean, "in a half hour." Kiefer komplies, hoping to learn more from this man. When the mystery caller hangs up, a Coral Snake tattoo can be clearly seen on his forearm. Dun dun dun!
I love how Palmer's staff has planned an entire war while Spawn is still in the convenience store bathroom freshening up. As she finishes up, she hears a violent argument starting up between MenacingStoreOwner and another guy, so she judiciously peeks out from the bathroom, senses danger, and sneaks out of the store before she gets into any more trouble. Oh, who am I kidding? Spawn is drawn toward the conflict like a moth to flame. Some Hispanic guy is begging MenacingStoreOwner to let him in to buy supplies. MenacingStoreOwner tells HisPanic that the store is already closed, and he calls the police when HisPanic becomes threatening. "It's starting," says Spawn, standing around and watching the two men argue like it's a show on TV. MenacingStoreOwner presses her to find out what she means, but before she can answer, the door shatters. HisPanic has smashed a shopping cart through the glass. He lunges at MenacingStoreOwner and grabs his throat. Spawn whines for the two men to stop it. When they don't, she pulls out her gun and waves it at them. She orders HisPanic to let go of MenacingStoreOwner and leave. Yet when faced with having to actually shoot him, Spawn relents. HisPanic takes the gun away from her and fills the cart with food and supplies.
CTU. Kiefer calls Bitchelle from inside the building. He thinks that there may be another way to prove that the Cyprus tape was faked, and he asks for her help in getting Cate out of her debriefing with HAFA.
HisPanic is madly gathering supplies, which he insists on paying for. He also insists that he's not a criminal. He just wants to fend for his pregnant wife, who is waiting in the car outside. He tells MenacingStoreOwner to turn on the news, and they see reports that something resembling a nuclear bomb has exploded in the Mojave Desert. MenacingStoreOwner asks Spawn if she knew about this all along. Suddenly, the police arrive and draw their weapons on HisPanic's wife in the car. HisPanic starts freaking out, and MenacingStoreOwner reaches for the gun in HisPanic's hand. The gun accidentally goes off after a short tussle, and MenacingStoreOwner falls down bleeding. The cops order HisPanic to exit the store, but he grabs Spawn as a hostage. For a girl who runs a lot, she certainly loves to stand around trouble, doesn't she?
Bitchelle goes into the CTU holding room where Agent Baker is debriefing Cate. Hee! Bitchelle makes up a story about a file that needs to be attended to, and gets him out of the room. Kiefer slips into the holding room and tells Cate that he urgently needs her to come with him. PMAA watches this occur. So does Lesbo-Carrie, who immediately picks up the phone to notify Soul Patch.
As Kiefer and Cate are leaving the building, Soul Patch catches up to them, asks them where they're going, and holds them at gunpoint when Kiefer doesn't answer him. Kiefer doesn't think that Soul Patch is going to shoot him, and continues to move out of there. When Soul Patch keeps insisting, Kiefer takes his gun away and knocks him to the ground. Kiefer grabs Cate's arm, and off they run like two crazed kids in love. The time is 11:59:58...11:59:59...12:00:00 midnight.