Electric Blue Kiefer. The whole "terrorist threat" monologue is given for the benefit of the late-coming American Idol crowd. 24. Previouslys. Kiefer interrogates Syed Ali and even threatens the lives of Ali's family until he finds out that the B-O-M-B is at Norton Airfield, where they're putting it on a plane to fly it over the city. Lady Mac puts on a trench and a fedora so she can have an offsite catfight with Rolaide for some reason that I've forgotten about. Spawn meets the Unabomber's hunky cousin and goes back to his cabin. Cate now knows that her sister is a terrorist, having it heard it straight from My Pretty Pony's mouth. The bomb is ready.
Sirens. A fleet of CTU agents escort the Kiefmobile on its way to Norton Airfield. Cate sits beside Kiefer in the passenger seat, drained of energy. Soul Patch calls to tell Kiefer that he'll be at Norton Airfield sometime after the commercial break…I mean, "in fifteen minutes." Kiefer asks if Panama Hack has covered more numbers from the sooty piece of paper. Soul Patch says that he hasn't. Kiefer asks after Spawn. Soul Patch admits that he has no idea where she is, and wonders why she hasn't contacted them. Kiefer explains that because of that whole "wanted for murder" thing, she's not going to be in touch. "We have to find her," says Kiefer. Soul Patch promises to put every resource "they can spare" on it.
Meanwhile, Spawn and her new friend, the Lonnie-bomber, are making their way through the forest, but the road to his cabin is long. In fact, things have gotten so cozy in the last few minutes that Spawn is wearing Lonnie's army jacket. Aw! The Lonnie-bomber stops to examine Spawn's ankle and concludes that they've got to get her to a doctor. Again, Spawn and the Lonnie-bomber tiptoe around the fact that Spawn is on the lam. Finally, they reach the Lonnie-bomber's cabin. It's a humble cabin with a porch and a giant pile of stacked firewood. In other words, no indications that Kevin Dillon is going to go Kathy Bates on Spawn or make her into a coat. Hey, I think she's going to be super-comfortable here. She'll just hang out here until the morning until Kiefer finds the B-O-M-B. That's right, Spawn's troubles are over.
Meanwhile, at NSA, Palmer enters Yulin's interrogation room and asks Yulin if he's ready to cooperate. Yulin doesn't answer, so Palmer orders Simmons -- who doesn't get any lines tonight -- to continue with the torture. But wait, Yulin is ready to speak. Palmer excuses Simmons, who packs up his defibrillator paddles and shuffles out of there. Bye, Simmons, you had a nice butt! Okay, so here's what Yulin had to say, and you better read carefully, because I had to watch this episode twice to get everything straight. Apparently, Yulin and the conspiracy knew about the bomb weeks ago. They allowed the Second Wave to bring it "unimpeded" into the country and had the Coral Snakes, those dudes with the snake tattoos, track it every step of the way. They were supposed to "take the B-O-M-B out of play" at the last possible moment. Why was Yulin doing this? He felt that Palmer's defense policy was too passive and needed "balls." Yeah, that's right. Yulin just said "balls." Palmer tells Yulin to call Colonel Sanders and have them secure the B-O-M-B now. But Yulin can't. According to Yulin, the Coral Snakes haven't been accepting any new communications for the last three hours, and won't be until the mission is complete. Um, what army would essentially leave their phone off the hook at the most crucial part of their mission? "Then where were they?" asks Palmer. "WHERE WERE THEY????" "Norton Airfield, Los Angeles," replies Yulin. Dun dun dun!
Back at the Lonnie-bomber's cabin, the Lonnie-bomber is putting his gun away on a gun rack with about seven other rifles, and telling Spawn where the shower is. "The door has a lock," says the Lonnie-bomber, reassuring Spawn that she can shower in private. Spawn relaxes and decides to freshen up. Yeah, that whole "lock" thing was a nice touch, Lonnie. He builds a fire in the wood stove. Oh, I can see where this is going. The eleven hours are going to be just comfy and cozy for Spawn. There's no plot twist coming. No way! Crackle crackle crackle goes the roaring fire on the hearth. Pass the mini-marshmallows!
Back at CTU, Soul Patch approaches Bitchelle's desk with the news that Syed Ali has named three more Second Wave members. He tells her to send transport teams to "pick them up." Pick them up? What are they? Muffin baskets? Grade school kids finishing soccer practice? Mason enters and, just in case you forgot that he's going to die soon, clears his throat an extra long phlegm-y time. He also announces that it's been confirmed by NSA that the B-O-M-B is located at Norton Airfield, and orders all agents be sent there. So much for Soul Patch's plan to "pick up" those other terrorists.
Back in the Kiefmobile, Kiefer gets a call from Mason, who seems to be tying off his arm before he shoots up. And who can blame him? He's going to die soon. Why not let the guy enjoy a little black tar, already! Oh, wait -- he's wrapping his forearm in what appears to be an Ace bandage. Is "Ace Bandage" paying for product placement or what? Last week it was Spawn's ankle, and now it's Mason's forearm. And although Ace bandages can be wonderful things, I can't recall them being used effectively to combat radiation sickness. Oh, wait -- on closer inspection, it seems that Mason has some gaping wounds on his arm. Never mind. Anyway, Mason explains that Colonel Sanders and the Coral Snakes are already at the airfield. Who else thinks that "Colonel Samuels and the Coral Snakes" sounds like a book series for preteens? "Psst! Important Coral Snakes meeting in the treehouse at sixteen hundred hours! Pass it on!" "But Kenny, I've got an oboe lesson!" "Well, get there when you can, Chet. Darla's bringing butterscotch squares!" Kiefer asks Mason why the same U.S. military unit that downed Flight 69 is also helping out these terrorists. Mason just assumes that they want to be the one to secure the B-O-M-B. Kiefer asks if Mason can get Colonel Sanders to have his men stand down. Mason explains that they're a "rogue unit acting on their own authority." Like that's supposed to make Kiefer feel any better. Um, since when do branches of the U.S. military just take off and conduct missions on their own? Shouldn't a bigger deal be made of this? Instead it's like, "Oh, those rogue military units! C'est la vie!" Kiefer is all, "This is bad!" Mason promises to try to send back-up from Camp Pendleton. They hang up. Cate asks Kiefer what's going on. Kiefer pulls over and drops her off by the side of the road, as he should have done right after she correctly identified Syed Ali for them. Oh, wait, that's not what happened. Actually, he lies and says everything okay…except for the fact that they haven't been able to locate Raggedy Marie.
Meanwhile, at Norton Airfield, inside a hangar, Raggedy Marie and Justin Al-Guarini have put the B-O-M-B on the plane and are about to say goodbye. Raggedy Marie is about to drive north away from the blast radius, and Justin Al-Guarini is, um, about to get blown to bits while flying a plane with the B-O-M-B in it over Los Angeles. How did they decide on that arrangement? Was there a coin toss? "Tails! Damn, I'm going up in the plane. Oh well, take care!" Raggedy Marie opens the door to the hangar and sees several police cars and army jeeps approaching the airfield. "Akalakalak alakalak," says Marie, retreating back indoors. "They found us."
The Kiefmobile arrives at Norton Airfield. Kiefer gets out, walks over to the passenger side, and opens the door for Cate. What is this? The prom? And who does Cate think she is, waiting to be escorted out of the SUV? Jackie Kennedy? Kiefer tells Cate that they're going to need her for just a little bit longer in case they find her sister. And just what are they hoping Cate will bring to the table? Does Kiefer know what it's like to have female siblings? Anyway, Kiefer asks HotAsianFromAngel to take Cate to "the secured area" and "make sure she's comfortable." To which HotAsianFromAngel replies, "Hey, just because I'm Filipino doesn't mean I'm the maid." No, HAFA does as Kiefer tells him to. , Kiefer is introduced to Steve Goodrich, the agent leading the assault team. Wow, Steve Goodrich is hot. And I'm not usually a fan of big strapping Irish guys with strawberry blond hair and chiseled features, so that's saying a lot. Goodrich gives Kiefer background information about the Coral Snakes and the schematics for the airport. Kiefer then briefs the nylon-jumpsuit-clad troops. And by "briefs" I mean that he reminds them to wear ID tags and tells them about the B-O-M-B and the Coral Snake unit protecting it. "Good luck, gentlemen," says Kiefer. They break and assume positions. The time is 08:11:56 PM.
The time is 08:16:23 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch does work, Raggedy Marie wonders what to do with the B-O-M-B now that the troops have arrived, Spawn freshens up in the Lonnie-bomber's cabin, and Yulin's feet are still in the Alice bucket. Okay, remember how last season Alberta V05 and Chappelle took over CTU, and it was suspenseful because they were these authority figures who threatened to uncover Nina's attempts to protect Kiefer and his family on the DL? Okay, this year they're doing something similar, only it's not suspenseful; it's annoying. There just aren't any sexy secrets at risk of being revealed…other than Mason's radiation poisoning, that is. And the visiting inspector isn't half as fabulous as Alberta was last year. I know I've said this before, but what happened to Alberta? She was the Alex McLeod of last season. Couldn't she come back just so we could have her reaction to the fact that Nina turned out to be a mole? They could have given her a tiny scene where she's having breakfast and reading the paper and there's an article about how Nina was the mole, and she raises an eyebrow and goes, "I knew that bitch was evil!" and bites into an English muffin. It would rock! So anyway, Mason comes over to Soul Patch's desk and tells him that Brad Hammond from Division is coming over to shut the place down and run everything from Division. Apparently, they're a little concerned about the fact that the building was just bombed. And yeah, we're supposed to be all worried about the crew at CTU losing the use of their immaculately furnished clubhouse, but I for one am glad that someone finally got alarmed about this. Soul Patch is annoyed because he doesn't "have time to give these idiots from Division the grand tour." Mason maintains that they've all just got to "deal with it."
The Lonnie-bomber's kindness and generosity never disappoint. Back at the cabin, it appears that Spawn's savior has loaned her a tube sock to wear as a top now that she's out of the shower. Oh, and the California Raisins just made a cameo appearance. (You'll figure that out eventually, don't worry.) Spawn studies her scarred face in the mirror critically like that episode of The Brady Bunch when Marcia got braces. ("I'm ugly…UGLY!") Finally she emerges from the shower just as Lonnie's put dinner on the table. What a peach! The Lonnie-bomber has made food! Oh, there's just no way this guy is going to turn out to be some crazy psycho rapist. Sexual predators don't even know how to boil water. It's a fact. Look it up. As they get ready to eat, Spawn asks Lonnie why he lives all alone in the woods. Lonnie answers elliptically that there's "too many people" in L.A. In turn, the Lonnie-bomber questions Spawn some more about why she's reluctant to return to L.A. I guess Spawn figures that Lonnie is hot, and he doesn't appear to have a phone -- or any friends he'd tell, for that matter -- so she tells him about the B-O-M-B. The Lonnie-Bomber chuckles to himself. "What's so funny?" asks Spawn. "I knew it!" exclaims Lonnie, believing her. At first, Spawn is relieved that someone believes her so readily. Then she's a little freaked out that someone believes her so readily. The Lonnie-bomber certainly believes her. He's been predicting the coming of a nuclear attack for quite some time. "All you have to do is read the foreign papers," says Lonnie. "Just look over the fence once in a while. The whole world hates America." However, Lonnie insists that neither of them should worry. They're too far away from the blast radius to get hurt. Spawn reminds him about the possibility of fallout. "I'm going to show you something," says Lonnie. "But you can't tell anyone."
Back at NSA, Rolaide is filling Palmer in on the latest news from Norton Airfield: Kiefer is going to be clashing with the Coral Snakes. "This cannot possibly have a good outcome," says Rolaide. "We've got two highly trained American military groups about to face off." Palmer assures her that Kiefer and his velvety voice are going to make everything all right for democracy. PMHC enters to tell Palmer that intelligence discovered a covert link between Yulin and a senator from Michigan named Gluck. Um, could you stop with the unseen political figures, please? I'm getting whiplash keeping the names straight without faces to match them up to. Palmer says that since Lady Mac is chummy with Gluck, they should bring her in and give her access to the O.C.'s secure databases. In one of those classic seventies sitcom moments, Rolaide and PMHC are thisclose to warning Palmer about Lady Mac's involvement with Yulin, but Palmer cuts them off before they can say anything and orders them to do what he's asked.
Back at CTU, Panama Hack is trying to get more of that number off of the sooty piece of paper. Soul Patch asks him what's taking so long. Panama Hack explains to him that there's barely anything there, but he'll get something eventually. Does it matter? Can't they just go down to Norton Airfield and look for a plane with a bomb on it? Bitchelle and Soul Patch then run into each other on the floor and have a meeting/foreplay session. Bitchelle is concerned that Division is interfering with their investigation, but Soul Patch doesn't think there's anything to worry about…except for the fact that they're probably going to pull Mason from the investigation once they realize how sick he is.
Norton Airfield. Goodrich and Kiefer have found a set of footprints left by military-issue combat boots. They deduce that the Coral Snakes must be inside because there are no footprints leading out. Kiefer, moving all slick-Kiefa-style, follows the footprints to a fuel depot which resembles the set of Aliens with all this aluminum grating and sinister-looking nooks and crannies. With a nod and a dog-like pant, he gives the go-ahead to his team to break into the building. Kiefer is the first in. He executes a series of Kabuki moves and hand signals to verify that no one is lying in ambush. Once everyone is inside, they go up some stairs and discover the dead bodies of several Coral Snakes -- with their trademark tattoos. Apparently they've all been shot execution-style. "If these guys are dead," asks Goodrich, "who's tracking the bomb?" The time is 08:24:16 PM.
Oh, Kevin Spacey, I will do anything…anything to pass your class. I'll even put on a gown and pretend to be your date for the Academy Awards when you're not nominated for your steroidal performance in this piece of crap called The Life of David Gale.
The time is 08:28:42 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Mason adjusts the bandages on his arm again, Cate waits for Kiefer in the "secured area," and a small aircraft is poised for takeoff at Norton Airfield. At CTU, Brad Hammond from Division has arrived. Up in the old Kiefer Kube, Mason covers up his scaly-looking arm some more and puts his jacket on over the bandage. He is in pain. Meanwhile, Soul Patch and Bitchelle are playing Gopher and Vicki to Brad Hammond, a poor man's William Petersen, by showing him around the good ship CTU. PMWP points out that they have the same data at Division, where they should now be running the operation. Hey, if Division is so great, how come they didn't bomb that building? Bitchelle argues that their investigation is about more than data. Their personnel, she insists, are more qualified than anyone at Division. PMWP gives the orders for everyone to relocate to Division anyway. "What, and waste an hour and a half on transportation and set-up with a nuclear bomb ticking away?" says Mason, entering in the nick of time. PMWP says a warm manly "hello" to Mason -- clapping the arm with the sores on it -- and remarks that he's heard rumors that Mason's "not feeling well." Mason shrugs it off and demands that they keep going at CTU since, he argues, the systems in the office are now exceeding performance levels even though the building is falling down around them. For some reason this placates PMWP and stops him from moving the operation. On his way back up to the old Kiefer Kube, Mason checks his arm. Blood is seeping out and staining his jacket.
Back at the cabin, dinner is over and the Lonnie-bomber is ready to show Spawn his secret. He leads her down a spiral staircase and shows her a bomb shelter that he built himself and stocked with several utility shelving units from the Hold Everything catalog. "You could survive down here for a pretty long time," he explains, showing her his state-of-the-art coffee-making equipment and his Argentinean coffee beans. However, Spawn wakes up and smells some coffee of her own when she spots a large arsenal of weapons and ammo stored there as well. She panics and runs upstairs. When Lonnie runs up after her, he finds that she's still in the house, sitting on the couch. She is worse than one of those horror movie victims that runs at the rate of two feet per minute from a knife-wielding killer. She explains that the she was feeling "a little claustrophobic," and got a little freaked out by the guns too. Lonnie argues that it's people like him who will survive a nuclear attack. Spawn apologizes and insists that she needs to go be with her Aunt Carol. Lonnie is all, "Whatever."
NSA. In one of those creamsicle-colored hallways, Rolaide greets Lady Mac, who enters chauffeured in her very own Presidential golf cart. Oh, the way that Lady Mac proudly steps out of her go-cart and gloats in Rolaide's direction, you'd think eight-year-old Cambodian children with missing limbs were hauling Lady Mac down the streets of Phnom Penh in her very own jade litter. Meanwhile, poor Rolaide has to act professional and hand over the access cards to the system rooms and the network, and apologize for not giving Lady Mac access earlier. Ouch. Then they get into the elevator together and have a catfight about something. I'd describe it, but every time I go back and watch it, my attention just starts to drift. It's a Rolaide/Lady Mac catfight. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. The time is 08:35:44 PM.
Hey, it's another war movie slated for a March release -- only this time, Travolta is in it. I'm thinking I'll have to watch that on a plane trip in the near future. And what's with the Ford commercial with that guy singing that song that goes, "Right in front of your eyes, my friend"? Only it sounds like he's eating cereal while he's singing, so it's more like, "Raht in fron o yo waaahs, my fren!" Seriously, he sounds like me and my friends did when we were being jerks in grade school and we'd stick our tongues over our bottom teeth and talk like we were "retah-ded." And don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. Everyone amuses themselves at a certain age by a) playing with matches, b) looking at medical journals that have disgusting pictures of skin diseases, and c) imitating "retah-ded" people. My best friend Steven had a mentally retarded brother and he totally did "retard" talk with us. In fact, he had the best imitation of any of us since he had a relative to practice with and all. What? Stop looking at me like that!
The time is 08:40:11 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch and Bitchelle make goo-goo eyes at each other, Spawn checks a flashlight, Kiefer drives somewhere, and Palmer does something presidential at his desk. Back at the cabin, Lonnie packs some supplies for Spawn's journey to Aunt Carol's. He's just about to take her on a "fifteen-minute walk to the highway" when a car can be heard pulling up to the cabin. Lonnie sneaks a peek out the window. It's a park ranger that Lonnie knows. "He's probably looking for you," he says. Spawn panics, fearing she'll be sent back to L.A. Lonnie goes outside to talk to the ranger. The ranger is indeed looking for Spawn, and fills Lonnie in on more details, like the fact that she's wanted for murder and kidnapping. Lonnie denies seeing anyone that matches her description in the woods. The ranger looks around a little, concludes that she's not on the premises, and leaves. Lonnie goes back inside. "Kidnapping?" he says to Spawn. "Murder?" "I didn't do it, I swear," says Spawn. The Lonnie-bomber seems aroused by this piece of information and gives her a once-over with his eyes. Spawn wants to "hang out" at the cabin for a few more minutes until the ranger clears the area. Lonnie has no problem with this suggestion. "I'm really lucky that you're here," says Spawn. "You've been a really good friend, thank you!" Aw! That's the Stockholm-syndrome-afflicted Spawn that we've all come to know and love!
NSA. Man, Lady Mac's hair has never looked better as she and Palmer walk quickly down a corridor. Even as her hair bounces around from all that movement, the flip still holds. I know, like, half a dozen black women who would totally scalp Lady Mac and have her hair transplanted on their heads if given the opportunity. Palmer wants Lady Mac to find out anything she can about Yulin's relationship with Senator Gluck. Lady Mac promises to get right on it, and thanks him sweetly for trusting her again. Palmer tells her not to get too excited. "We have a need for information and hopefully you can fill it," says Palmer. "And I will, Mr. President," says Lady Mac, taken aback. Palmer totally falls for her guilt trip and apologizes for being rude. PMHC enters, and Lady Mac exits. He tells Palmer about how Kiefer found the dead bodies of all six members of the Coral Snakes team. "What about the B-O-M-B?" asks Palmer. PMHC shakes his head. Palmer bursts into Yulin's interrogation room, which just happens to be a few feet away, and tells him that his plan backfired; his men are all dead and there's no sign of the B-O-M-B. "That's…not…possible," says a shocked Yulin. Palmer demands to know who else could have known about his covert plan. "Someone killed six highly trained commandos," says Palmer. "Now that doesn't sound like the work of a bunch of suicide bombers!" "Six commandos?" says Yulin. "There were seven!" The music soundtrack makes one of those sounds like someone is gasping for air in an echo chamber.
Meanwhile, back at CTU, Panama Hack has finally found more digits of that plane number. Bitchelle looks it up and finds that a plane with that tail number is registered in California and located at "Hanger MD7" at Norton Airfield. Heh! Bitchelle just said "tail." Soul Patch calls Kiefer to give him the information. Kiefer and his men climb into the Kiefmobile and head towards Hangar MD7.
Outside Hangar MD7, Raggedy Marie is saying goodbye to a man whose face we can't see. He gets into a van and takes off. She enters the hangar and wishes Justin Al-Guarini good aka-luck. Justin Al-Guarini wishes her good aka-luck in return. They kiss each other's cheeks, and Justin gets on the plane. Marie opens the garage door and heads for her car. Just as the plane is leaving the hangar, Kiefer approaches in the Kiefmobile. Kiefer and a team of CTU Hummers follow the plane in hot pursuit. Finally they pull up alongside of him, and Kiefer shoots the wheels and immobilizes the plane before it can take off. He then shoots at the cockpit and hits Justin Al-Guarini. Once the plane comes to a stop, Justin gets out, and Kiefer orders him to put his hands up. The B-O-M-B can be seen in the plane. A nuke emergency team is called for. The time is 08:48:56 PM.
Oh, and speaking of Hummers, here's an ad for one.
The time is 08:53:21 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Yulin gives his patented "old boy in disgrace" look, Spawn "hangs out" with the Lonnie-bomber, and a nuke emergency team approaches the plane. Meanwhile, at CTU, Poor Man's William Petersen grudgingly tells Mason that they can stay at CTU until the threat passes, but after that, Division is going to inspect them again. Mason escorts him to the exit but pauses momentarily for a coughing fit. "You should see someone about that cough," says PMWP. Okay, that line was funny, but it hardly justified that entire lame plotline. Mason brushes PMWP's concern aside and exchanges a knowing glance with Bitchelle as he ascends the stairs to the old Kiefer Kube.
In the cabin, as Spawn is preparing to leave, Lonnie is listening to the police band to see if he can pick up any information about Spawn's APB and the location of any roadblocks, et cetera. "Looks like you're not going to make the ten most wanted," jokes Lonnie. Spawn smiles and starts packing up her stuff. All of a sudden, Lonnie starts panicking and tells Spawn that the bomb must have gone off, because all the local stations are playing nothing but static and a station from outside the county reported a flash in the sky. Spawn starts to panic and looks out the window. "I don't see anything!" exclaims Spawn. Lonnie gives her his earphones so she can hear the static herself. Spawn wants to go find her dad, but Lonnie insists that they go down to his bomb shelter and hide from the deadly radiation coming their way. Spawn, um, believes him. They run down to the cellar, and Lonnie locks them both in.
The time is 08:55:38 PM. An overhead pan of an unharmed Los Angeles at night establishes that Lonnie was totally lying. Back at Norton Airfield, a bomb specialist who looks like Moby works feverishly to override the trigger but doesn't think he can defuse it in time. Kiefer makes plans to put the bomb on a plane and fly it out over the Pacific where it can do less damage. Yeah, I'm sure the state of Hawaii has a few things to say about that. ["Japan probably has a couple of pithy comments as well." -- Sars] All of a sudden, Moby realizes that what they're looking at isn't a bomb at all. It's a fake. According to a radiation reading, there was probably a bomb in the case at one time, but it's gone now. Kiefer notifies his team that they are still looking for the B-O-M-B. The screen splits to reveal Bitchelle getting the news about the fake bomb and passing it on to Mason and Soul Patch, Spawn and Lonnie hiding out in the bomb shelter, and Palmer walking down the hallway at NSA.
Palmer enters Yulin's room and tells Yulin about the fake B-O-M-B. "If there's something you haven't told me that could save lives, tell me now," says Palmer. "Ask Lady Mac," says Yulin. "She's the one you want to talk to." Oooooh! Busted! The time is 08:59:58…08:59:59...09:00:00 PM.