Electric blue Kiefer. 24. Previouslys. Reza is questioned by Soul Patch about his ties to a terrorist named Syed Ali. Turns out he was just covering for Papa Crew. Lady Mac drops in on Palmer improbably to inform him of a growing conspiracy forming against him. Spawn takes back JonBenet from DaddyStopTouchingMe and sneaks her out of the hospital. DaddyStopTouchingMe tries to stop them, but En-Rick-Ay gives him a karate kick and they take off in DSTM's blue Lexus. Guess who gets to interrogate Nina? Why, none other than Kiefer. Impartial, professional Kiefer. Except he gets excited at some point and starts shooting at her in the middle of a videotaped interrogation. They hire a chaperone to protect Nina from Kiefer, but Kiefer drugs the guy.
Military airbase. Kiefer and Nina's big-ass armored ("amour-ed"?) truck arrives for a flight to Visalia. I had assumed they were driving to Visalia, but I guess they need to get there during this episode. Kiefer escorts Nina, still in leg irons, over to the awaiting plane. ShuffleStepNina tells an agent named Doug standing outside the plane that Kiefer drugged Agent Miller to "get her alone," and implores him to "tell Mason." Kiefer doesn't deny Nina's accusations. He even tells Doug when he should wake up Miller. Kiefer and Doug high-five each other, and it dawns on Nina that Doug's allegiance is to Kiefer and that he won't be relaying her message to Mason. Kiefer and Nina board a plane that looks like a vibrator with wings. It taxis down the runway. They're off. Oh, but wait. The agents aboard the plane are not so chummy with Kiefer. One of the agents, who is a dead ringer for Sean Astin ["and is another alum, Michael Cudlitz" -- Sars], informs Kiefer that he knows what he did to Agent Miller and that he'll be watching out for Nina's safety. Kiefer warns him to "stay out of it." PoorMan'sSeanAstin is all, "Consider me your new chaperone." Chaperone? That's an interesting word choice. It's like Kiefer and Nina are on a date. Then again, they sort of are. Kiefer goes over some Whatever Technology with a hot black agent whose death I'll be expecting shortly. Erotic Airways Flight 69 hits the runway and takes off. Its angry, hard shaft penetrates the moist, willing afternoon sky with a lusty ambivalence that wavers between new hate and old lust…okay, I'll stop now. They're on their way to Visalia.
Back at Chez Crew, PoorMan'sCateBlanchett gazes out the window while Reza stands outside talking to HandsomeBlackAgent, who has gone, like, three episodes now without being killed. PoorMan'sReneeZellweger enters, and by the way, she is slowly emerging as the winner of the Most Viscerally Hateful New Cast Member Award…for me, anyway. A lot of folks on the boards hate PoorMan'sCateBlanchett. Now, I don't judge, but I just don't feel the Cate Hate myself. But as far as my hate is concerned -- it's all about Marie Warner. Spoiled? The girl makes Spawn seem grounded. Hypocritical self-righteousness? Narcissism? The antics of Theo Palmer are all but forgotten. And she seriously needs to play outside or eat some red meat, because there is a fine line between "Pre-Raphaelite beauty" and "anorexia-related bitch face," and Renee is crossing it as we speak. "Way to go, Cate!" says Renee to PoorMan'sCateBlanchett, rubbing it in her face that her actions have set a witch-hunt in motion designed to bring ruin to both families. Cate points out that she had no idea the government would get involved. "Why would they be asking Dad questions now?" She concludes that Reza is hooked up with some bad people, possibly terrorists, and warns Marie that if they keep their "heads in the sand" about Reza, it will ultimately hurt Papa Crew.
Just then, Reza enters and tells PoorMan'sReneeZellweger to come with him. Cate asks him what he told Soul Patch. Reza is all, "The truth." He reminds her that it's Papa Crew's company and that he's the one in charge. Cate accuses him of ratting out Papa Crew to save his own ass. "I have done more for your father than you will never know," says Reza elliptically, and faults Cate for hiring a private detective to dig up dirt on him. Cate points out that there was still dirt to be dug up, and that's Reza's fault. Reza insists that Papa Crew is the one to blame for that. Cate yells at him to stop slandering her father. AnemicBitchFace tells them both to shut up and leaves the room, probably to weigh herself compulsively or pick at imaginary fat rolls in front of the mirror. "Nice work, Cate," says Reza, exiting behind Renee. Cate is left alone in the living room, looking confused and horrified.
NSA. 24 is on a roll. For the third week in a row now, a new favorite from last season is being brought back. First it was Nina, then it was Lady Mac, and this week it's the moment the viewers have really been waiting for: PoorMan'sHumeCronyn…or should I say, "The Chief Of My Staff"? Yeah, I'd been doing a lot of thinking about The Silver Fox of 24 this summer. Wondering if and when our paths would really ever cross, and even indulging in fantasies of what it would be like to be truly together. In my dreams, we meet at a retirement community in Boca Raton, Florida. I'm just hanging by the pool, shooting the shit with the ladies from my bridge club. All of a sudden, I feel the heat of his penetrating gaze from nine deck chairs away. I look around just to make sure it's really me he's giving the eye to. It has to be. I wander away from my group and stand near some bingo tables, suavely pretending to be engrossed in the Golden Girls rerun being shown on the big TV in the rec room. I don't have to wait long. Soon he is by my side. Our arms accidentally brush up against each other, and the hairs on my forearms tingle. A noticeable bulge starts to emerge from inside his sans-a-belt slacks. "You know, you should really be wearing your flip-flops," he says, breaking the ice. "You could get athlete's foot from these carpets." "You're a bad, bad man, Mike Novick," I say, sipping my Cel-Ray soda. "You're going to break my heart." We make love back in his convenience apartment while his wife is out playing canasta and it's a hailstorm of passion. The lust becomes love, sacrifices are made, and soon we escape into the country, running a bed-and-breakfast in the Berkshires and supplementing our income by leading bird-watching tours of the surrounding areas. Most nights, we'd just stay home at our farmhouse. I'd make him his favorite meal -- Jimmy Dean pork sausage patties with a side dish of Green Giant Baby Lima Bean and Niblets Corn Medley -- then we'd sit on the back porch swing and listen to NPR or the crickets, wondering how we ever got through life without each other.
Anyway, PoorMan'sHumeCronyn enters Palmer's office and is surprised to see Lady Mac working away. They embrace. Lady Mac's girlish giggle sounds like a cry for help. "Did David ask you to come here?" asks PMHC. "Uh, no," says Lady Mac. "I decided to come on my own." If by "come on my own," you mean "stalk my ex-husband," then yes, Lady Mac is telling the truth. When PMHC asks how she is, Lady Mac tells him that she's had a tough year, but she's "learned from her mistakes" and "grown from misfortune." But I get the feeling that by "mistakes," Lady Mac really means "getting caught."
Meanwhile, inside Palmer's office, Rolaide breaks the news to him that people are looking for that nosy reporter Palmer had locked up earlier this morning. His production crew hasn't seen him for hours, and someone is going to figure out that the last place he was seen was in Palmer's office. "Then leak a story," says PMHC, entering Palmer office mid-conversation. Palmer stands up to greet his chief of staff. They embrace warmly, but PMHC keeps calling him "Mr. President." Is that a measure of respect? Or evidence that he's in cahoots with Lady Mac, with whom he's on a first-name basis? ["I believe everyone save the president's family is required to address him as 'Mr. President.'" -- Sars] They sit down, and PMHC goes over his plan to legally get away with the kidnapping of NosyReporter. They decide to leak a story that had the reporter going up to Portland to attend to some personal business. "It's a Band-Aid but it will get us through the day," says PMHC. Rolaide exits to go "leak the story." PMHC warns Palmer about letting Lady Mac hang out in his office. Palmer says that it was "her decision to come here." Um, but it was Palmer's decision not to have Secret Service throw her out on her ass.
Back at CTU -- where there is absolutely no trace of damage left from the bombing earlier this morning -- Bitchelle comes up to Mason and tells him that Kiefer drugged Agent Miller, and then he and Nina got on the plane without him. Mason is freaked out, but realizes that there's nothing they can do except hope that Kiefer's desire for revenge doesn't "cloud his judgment." "'Cloud his judgment'?" says Bitchelle. "You mean, like, drugging one of our agents?" "The guy's a little crazy," shrugs Mason. "But he gets results." Mason gets to the Ye Olde Kiefer Kube and doubles over in pain. I guess this pain has something to do with his left nipple, because he unbuttons his shirt and checks it out. According to the Fox recaps, he has a radiation rash on his left nipple, but I can't see anything. Maybe it's my TV.
Back at NSA, Palmer is telling PMHC about Lady Mac's conspiracy theory. PMHC points out that Lady Mac could have her own agenda and might not be telling the truth herself. Palmer admits that it's possible, but if she is telling the truth and there is conspiracy against him, it's going to affect every aspect of dealing with the B-O-M-B. And after all, she was right about the military evacuation. Plus, adds Palmer, if they keep her around, they can also find out who her sources are. PMHC promises to do an informal investigation of his own into the "cabal." "Start with Yulin," says Palmer. "The head of NSA?" says PMHC. Apparently Raygun and Yulin were buddies, and Yulin could be carrying out the agenda that Raygun failed to complete earlier.
Erotic Airlines Flight 69 zooms across the screen like a scene out of Top Gun. Ride into the danger zone… Oh, Kenny Loggins, all your talk of "spreadin' wings" and "revvin' engines" just gets me hot. Inside the plane to Visalia, Kiefer asks Nina how far Mamud Faheen is from the airport. Nina tells Kiefer that she's going to tell him Faheen's location when they land, and asks him for some water like he's a stewardess. Actually, that's kind of weird that she'd ask Kiefer for water, considering what happened to the last guy who took water from Kiefer. I mean, isn't that like asking Typhoid Mary for a can of soup or Susan Smith for a ride to the lake? Then again, Agent Miller looked like he was having a good time before he hit the ground, so maybe Nina just wants to party. Kiefer does a [grab…slam] on her to get her to talk. PoorMan'sSeanAstin warns Kiefer that they need Nina to kooperate. Uh, way to undermine Kiefer's authority in front of the enemy, PMSA. Kiefer backs off, but asks PoorMan'sSeanAstin to get her changed. "I need her to look like a civilian," says Kiefer. A civilian, as opposed to a salesgirl at Barneys. PMSA uncuffs her and takes her into the bathroom. "No," kommands Kiefer. He tells them not to let her leave his sight. Nina disrobes in front of him right there on the plane. Oh, they are having way too much fun with this. As soon as her shirt comes off, a huge red gash is revealed on her lower back. I guess Nina's girlfriend in prison doesn't trim her nails. The time is 02:12:44 PM.
The time is 02:17:12 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Mason's on the phone, Kiefer and Nina fly the friendly skies, and Lady Mac schemes some more. Lest we assume that the writers have all but forgotten about the bomb that just went off in CTU, Mason makes a remark to an agent on the other line that CTU isn't "exactly the Ritz Carlton," but invites him to drop by anyway. Bitchelle is on the other line. She tells him that Kiefer is about to land in Visalia. Mason tells her to "stay on it" and takes a rolling paper out of his jacket pocket. Oh, yeah. Mason's gonna smoke out in his office since he only has a few hours left to live. Hell, he totally qualifies for medical marijuana at this point. He's just going to kick back, set up iTunes to play his special Pink Floyd compilation, light some Jasmine incense, and spark that doobie. Oh, wait. It's not rolling papers. It's a slip of paper with a number on it. He dials the number.
The phone rings at a seaside burger stand. The counter person, a twenty-something "surfer dude," is waiting on a customer. When he finishes, he runs a hand through his blond-streaked mop, pushing the bangs out of his eyes, and answers the phone. Oh, no -- please don't let this be Mason's long-lost son! I don't think I can deal with the maudlin possibilities. Maybe this guy is his boyfriend. You know, it's never really been established that Mason is straight. Think about it. And we haven't had a gay couple on the show since Mandy's girlfriend got killed.
Anyway, Mason is all, "I know it's been a while." "Yeah," says the surfer dude, whose name is John, but I'm going to call him Sandy. "Two years." Mason apologizes for being a stranger, and tells Sandy that he's got to see him today. Sandy is too busy…and too bitter. Oh, and he refers to Mason as "Dad," so unless they're having one of those gay relationships, it looks like he's indeed Mason's son. Mason insists that it's important he come down to CTU as soon as possible. Um, Mason? Not only is CTU not a hospital or maximum-security prison or even a freestanding structure, it is also not a good place to reunite with your estranged son. Sandy insists that he's too busy and hangs up on him.
Flight 69 lands in Visalia. Kiefer whips out his shades and escorts Nina out of the cabin. She is now dressed like, well, Spawn's boyfriend in vintage hipster-wear. Her hair has been given a little something too. Hey, which agent blow-dried Nina's hair? Was it Kiefer? Can't you just see it? "Nina, so help me God, if you don't tell us Faheen's exact location, I'm going to give you Nancy McKeon's haircut from the final season of The Facts of Life. You know firsthand what I can do with a crimping iron!" Mason is watching on closed-circuit television. "Okay, that's the third can of Aqua Net he's used on her. We're going in. Get those thinning shears away from him!" A vast team of agents are waiting at the Visalia airport to meet Nina and Jack, who walk off the plane arm-in-arm like it's their honeymoon. The head agent who greets Jack asks for Faheen's location. Nina refuses to say. Jack tugs on her arm and jerks her around. That gets it out of Nina. Faheen is hiding out in a thrift store called Crescent Collectibles. No wonder she doesn't want anyone to know. It's probably one of those nasty overpriced craft stores that feature the decorative works of "local artists" and driftwood earrings. The Visalia lead agent knows exactly where Crescent Collectibles is. Maybe he did Nina's hair too. Kiefer gets into a van. PoorMan'sSeanAstin wants to keep Nina at the base where a team of agents can guard her. Kiefer insists that she be brought along. "I want to use her," says Kiefer. "Use her how?" asks PMSA. "You'll see," says Kiefer. No comment.
NSA. Another big meeting of uniformed extras breaks up at the long table. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn corners Yulin on his way out and feels him out about the firing of Raygun. Yulin says that Palmer did the right thing. Raygun was out of line. PMHC then brings up the fact that Yulin appointed Raygun to this position in the first place. Yulin changes the subject and tries to excuse himself, citing a "nasty workload." PMHC insists that he be allowed to tag along with Yulin for a while, go through his data, and "play catch-up." Yulin reluctantly agrees once he realizes that it's at Palmer's request. He smiles, pained.
Over at Palmer's desk, Rolaide is briefing Palmer on the nuclear material located in the warehouse that CTU searched that morning. The Nina Myers situation comes up, and Palmer learns that Kiefer and Nina are both in Visalia looking for Faheen. "Jack Bauer and Nina Myers are working together?" says Palmer, who has this totally unpresidential scandalized look on his face. It's the same face my mother made when she learned that Michael Jackson had adopted a third child. "I believe he volunteered," says Rolaide. Palmer has nothing to say. He just looks down at his desk and makes clucking noises with his tongue.
Back at the Visalia airbase, the team of agents is trying to figure out the best way to enter Crescent Collectibles. Head Visalia Agent dispatches an agent to get him the building's blueprints. Nina argues that Faheen has alarmed the entire place and will commit suicide as soon as he realizes that the agents have found him. Kiefer is all, "If Faheen is so willing to die, why is he hiding outside of the blast radius?" Nina replies that Faheen doesn't want to become "kollateral damage." Shout-out! But he would, according to Nina, give up his life to protect the plan. "Plus he knows all of our protocols," she adds. PoorMan'sSeanAstin asks how Faheen got their protocols. "She gave them to him," says Kiefer, pointing to Nina. Kiefer wants to send Nina in. Nina doesn't think that sounds like a good idea. "He thinks I'm in jail," she says. "He'll know I'm lying." "You better make him believe you got out," says Kiefer. "He is going to put a bullet in my head as soon I say hello and then he's going to turn the gun on himself," argues Nina. "We'll make sure he doesn't turn the gun on himself," says Kiefer. Hee! The time is 02:23:36 PM.
How cheesy is this American Express commercial about the SoHo-loft-dwelling yuppies who get a baby from this adoption agency somewhere in "the Orient" that looks like a Zen aromatherapy spa? I wonder if they can put the cost of the baby on the card too? I was totally expecting the adoption agent to say "ancient Chinese secret" when the couple asked about their daughter's birth parents.
The time is 02:28:04 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Palmer broods, Spawn and Miguel drive to Aunt Carol's, stuff happens at CTU, and JonBenet amuses herself in the backseat of her father's Lexus. Back at CTU, Mason enters and goes over some Whatever Technology stuff with Bitchelle. Soul Patch calls and tells Mason about the latest development at Chez Crew and how it looks like Papa Crew had ties to Ali as well. Mason tells him to bring both of them in for interrogation, and gives Soul Patch carte blanche to arrest them if necessary. Soul Patch asks Reza to come with him to CTU. Reza refuses. Soul Patch threatens to arrest him. Papa Crew enters and tells Reza to cooperate with the agents the way he is. Marie wants to go down to CTU as well. They let her, because she's a spoiled brat who always gets her way. On their way out, Papa Crew tells Cate to, uh, cancel the wedding, and also to call "Larry," who will apparently know what to do about this even though he's a tax attorney. The agents escort him out and leave only Cate behind at Chez Crew, feeling alone and scared.
NSA. Palmer has a meeting with PMHC, Lady Mac, and Rolaide. Rolaide wants to go over some stuff in private. Palmer introduces her to his ex-wife, informing her that Lady Mac has been granted a temporary security clearance and will be privy to all "private" conversations. Rolaide couldn't look any less thrilled. Palmer has called this meeting to discuss identifying and bringing down the conspiracy against him. Rolaide is confused. Lady Mac suggests patronizingly that they "bring her up to speed." Palmer tells Rolaide that he thinks Yulin is actively conspiring against him, and that Yulin caused the helicopter crash. Rolaide doesn't believe him. Lady Mac tells Rolaide that Yulin has been having "secret meetings" with the Senate Minority Leader, with Eric Rayburn in attendance. Rolaide knows about these meetings. They were to discuss an unrelated bipartisan bill that Palmer hadn't been briefed on yet. "I have very detailed records, if you would like to take a look," says Rolaide. Lady Mac looks burnt. Palmer still thinks they need to prove that Yulin is with the Palmer administration, and asks Rolaide to keep track of all of her conversations with him. Lady Mac and Rolaide keep giving each other the evil eye. PMHC is all, "Catfight!" The time is 02:33:39 PM.
The time is 02:38:09 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Cate wanders Chez Crew, Mason stares into space, and Papa Crew rides alongside the agents to CTU. Cate goes over to Papa Crew's home computer and starts digging around the private sections of the website. She doesn't have her father's password, so she calls Ralph Burton, the private investigator. Burton isn't in, but his boss, Koplin, is happy to help her access her father's private files
Meanwhile, Miguel, JonBenet, and Spawn are headed for Aunt Carol's. Where have they been this episode? The police pull them over for speeding. Spawn and Miguel turn over their driver's licenses and NoDaddyNo's registration information.
Meanwhile, back at CTU, look who's just been brought into CTU. Sandy! Mason had his son arrested so they could talk. Aw!! Mason unkuffs him and apologizes for being a distant father who put work ahead of his family. Sandy tells him to think hard about keeping his job if he starts a second family. Mason says that he's not going to start a second family, and gives Sandy the account number of a private Swiss bank account that contains all of the bribe money he got caught stealing last season. It will be transferred into Sandy's account, but he needs to leave L.A. first. At first Sandy is too proud and bitter to take it, but soon he realizes the unspoken importance of the situation, bursts into tears, and embraces Mason. "Is it cancer?" asks Sandy. "Something like that," says Mason. He sends him off to Phoenix to go stay with his mother. Sandy tries to learn more, but Mason pushes him out the door. Okay, that wasn't so bad. I actually cried. Damn you, Fox show!
Okay, despite the fact that neither Miguel or Spawn owns the car, the police let them go with a warning…until the officer notices some blood dripping from the trunk. He tells them to step out of the car and opens the trunk, which contains -- you guessed it -- the dead body of Crazy Laura. More scary music plays as the screen splits. Kiefer leads Nina back to the military base, and Palmer does something presidential at his desk. The officer calls for backup and has Spawn and Miguel lie facedown on the ground with their heads up. JonBenet gets out of the car to see what's going on. Spawn begs her to stay where she is and not get any closer. The time is 2:59:58…2:59:59…3:00:00 PM.