Electric blue Kiefer. Electric blue Elisha. Electric blue Dennis. It looks like some 24 supporting cast members are demanding to be featured in the credits. Although I think it would be really great if they dispensed with the super-serious minimalist opening and tacked on an old-school credits sequence with all these action shots strung together while the theme plays: an orchestral pop instrumental layered with modern "wa-wa" guitar sequences. There'd be this cheesy announcer going, "Starring, Kiefer Sutherland…as Jack!" and you'd see Kiefer whirling around in an office chair to face the camera and give it the Kiefer-sex-glance and a thumbs-up as a twenty-something assistant in a short skirt hands him a latte. "And Elisha Cuthbert as Kim…" and you'd see Elisha bending to pick her cell phone up off the floor. She answers it and smiles. "And Special Guest Star Penny Johnson Jerald as Sherry Palmer…" Lady Mac puts her hand on her hip and gives the camera a sassy wink. "And Sara Gilbert as Paula…" and Paula spills coffee on herself all Brenda Morganstern-style, sighs, and gives the camera a good-natured smile. Then there'd be this cheesy theme song sung by Tom Jones or Shirley Bassey, and the lyrics would have nothing to do with the plotline. "You've got twenty-hours to prove your-self / Twenty-four hours to show them who you aaaaaaahhhhhhh!" while all these shots are shown of Jack running, Spawn running while braless, guns being drawn, cars going off the road, Palmer doing something presidential, and the whole CTU gang having some after-work drinks and toasting Soul Patch. And there'd be all these psychedelic graphics everywhere and a big mushroom cloud finale shot. "…Twenty-four hours to show them you're a staaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Oh God, they've got to do this.
Previouslys. Ralph tells PoorMan'sCateBlanchett that FarsiBoy has terrorist connections. She's not supposed to tell anyone. Mason inhales some plutonium, and he's going to die at the end of the season…I mean, "day." Raygun didn't want to warn Palmer about a CTU bombing. Spawn takes the bus to CTU with JonBenet, and the police are looking for her. The Junkyard Gang pulls off the CTU bombing.
CTU has just been bombed. A total of, oh, three vehicles with sirens -- a fire truck, an ambulance, and a police car -- head for CTU. Not a lot of budget left over from last week, I'm thinking. The Junkyard Gang sits in their new purloined Tim McVan, listening in on police and fire radio dispatches and watching the city react to their successful mission. Meanwhile, inside CTU, various extras with torn clothing and sooty faces stumble around the smoky rubble. Steel beams are down, modern office furniture is torn and twisted, hairdos are ruined. It's 9/11, the made-for-TV movie staring Victoria Principal, A Martinez, and Gerald Rainey from Major Dad. Bitchelle is a dirty, tearful mess. She kneels in front of a body crushed by a desk and starts to sob. Soul Patch calls her over. He wants her to set up a triage. Uh, doesn't Bitchelle get to take a little break from public service since her building was blown up and all? Shouldn't the triage be set up by the arriving emergency workers who are properly trained for this sort of thing? If I were Bitchelle, I'd be all, "There's a Red Cross blanket with my name on it in the parking lot. See ya." I'd like to think of myself as a team player and a professional when it comes to the work place, but when the building where I'm employed is blowing up, I'm taking the day off. Me time. Curling up on the couch and catching up on the soaps in my apartment building that's not about to implode in a puff of smoke. No triage. I don't even know what a triage is or how to set one up. Better that I just take a bath and catch up on my TiVo-ed shows. Maybe call some friends and relatives and let them know I'm alive, or even do one of those eyewitness phone interviews with MSNBC. The New York Times crossword puzzle. A glass of wine. A couple of Xanax. Soul Patch, get off my back.
Oh, but wait, Soul Patch has just found Darlene, who happens to be trapped under a whole mass of debris, and she's really bloody. Ew, what is this? The Operation Channel? Soul Patch establishes that she's alive and promises to get her out. An unnamed CTU agent, who is getting his SAG-mandated payment for two lines of dialogue, tells Soul Patch that they have to get the rubble off Darlene, "brick by brick," because otherwise more stuff will fall on her. They get to work.
Elsewhere in the CTU building, Spawn is carrying JonBenet out of the building and assuring her that everything is going to be okay. I think that it's time JonBenet learned that when Spawn says "everything's okay," it's time to duck and cover. JonBenet has a seizure. Her eyes roll back in her head and everything. An EMT comes over and tells Spawn to "hold her down." But he says this with his face out of camera range so that the producers could save money by paying him for a non-speaking role and having his lines done in a voice-over. The EMT insists -- while still off-camera -- that JonBenet has to be taken to an emergency room. He rushes her into an ambulance, as if there weren't hundreds of other medical emergency situations that require his attention as well. I hope there's room for JonBenet in that one ambulance.
NSA. Everyone is having a big meeting, and Palmer is ruminating on the tragic fact that Kiefer's warning wasn't relayed back to CTU in time to save "all those people." Rolaide has this look on her face like she has a balloon filled with black tar heroin stashed in her rectum and the Turkish customs people have pulled her aside for questioning. Meanwhile, Raygun is kool as a kucumber. He asks the president if they can start going over an evacuation plan for L.A. Palmer says he'll address it later, and exits. Rolaide corners Raygun, out of earshot of the other uniform-wearing Presidential staff extras, and accuses him of being responsible for all those deaths. "I wanted to tell the president!" she hisses. "Well you didn't, Blanche," says Raygun. Okay, he didn't say "Blanche," but you know they totally should have at least had that in the first draft of the script. No one can resist a Whatever Happened To Baby Jane reference. They squabble some more about whose fault it was that Rolaide couldn't get through to the president. For some reason, no one remembers that last week Palmer was pretty much told by Raygun himself that he didn't want to phone CTU because it would blow Kiefer's kover. So then, for some reason, Raygun is threatening Rolaide with blackmail, even though it's not all that clear what Raygun has on Rolaide. I guess Rolaide has to keep her mouth shut now about Raygun's responsibility for what happened, but honestly, I can't understand why she fears him.
Back at The Madame Curie Memorial Secret Bomb-Making Warehouse, Mason is sitting on the tail end of the back of the ambulance, wrapped in a Red Cross blanket. Everybody in Red Cross blankets! Accessorize it with a jaunty gas mask, a turban, and those plastic sandals you stole from a bathhouse you visited last month in Prague, and it's the look for spring of 2003. Mason's new friend, the on-site doctor who looks like an older Paul Rudd on steroids -- the one who told him last week that he was dying -- approaches him to inform him that they've got all of Mason's stuff in the back of the ambulance, and they're ready to take him to the hospital. I must say that I'm intrigued by the idea of Mason having an expiration date, but I'm scared of this plotline. I see a potential for maudlin discoveries of Mason's tender side, and that frightens me. Mason asks the doctor hesitantly what his journey toward the great beyond will be like -- not the spiritual aspect of it, but the gross details like losing hair and bowel control and when that's all going to start to happen. SteroidalPaulRudd explains the progressive loss of Mason's bodily functions and offers to prescribe him something for the nausea. They're interrupted by a phone call. It's Soul Patch. From inside CTU. Calling on the office phone inside CTU. Think about it. What's wrong with this picture? Like, how bad was this bombing if they have their phones up within five minutes? I mean, yeah, Darlene looks like she's about to die, but otherwise, you'd think they'd have to talk on their cells to get a line out of the building for at least twenty minutes. Soul Patch tells Mason about the bombing of CTU, the structural damage, the nineteen casualties, and the loss of data. Apparently, Darlene wrote an encryption code for all of their intel and she's the only one who knows what it is. And she might die. Mason tells Soul Patch that he might not be coming back to CTU. "I'm not really in a position to help out right now," explains Mason cryptically. Soul Patch reminds him that a nuclear device is about to go off and half of his staff is dead. "So don't tell me you're still trying to cover your own ass!" says Sooty Soul Patch. Mason tells Soul Patch to "just deal with it." They hang up. Soul Patch makes exasperated yet sexy faces and gestures to fill time. And…scene!
Somewhere far from CTU, the Tim McVan pulls up to some abandoned road or parking lot surrounded by trees and overlooking a valley of some sort. Eddie takes Kiefer over to his car -- one of those boxy town cars from the seventies that white supremacists always seem to be driving -- and calls Joe Wald on his cell phone. Joe Wald -- still unseen -- gives him an address where Kiefer is to be brought to see him. Eddie writes it down on a matchbook -- only capitalist techno fags carry Palm Pilots -- and gets into the car. Kiefer pulls out his gun and tells Eddie that he's under arrest. Um, was this a smart move? They're still within site of the rest of the junkyard gang, who are in the process of dynamiting the Tim McVan to destroy the evidence. Kiefer makes him hand over the matchbook with Wald's address on it. Eddie does as he's told, but reminds Kiefer that he, Kiefer, the federal agent, participated in a bombing. "I know what I did," says Kiefer, reading the address off of the matchbook and telling Eddie to hand over his gun. As he backs up out of the car, the Junkyard Gang sees what's going down. SpindlyBeckLookalike pulls out a gun and starts shooting. The extras pull out their guns and start shooting. It's a gunfight featuring gas-powered motor vehicles in motion. Kiefer shoots everyone dead within seconds, including his boyfriend Eddie. He pulls DeadEddie out of the Winston-mobile, dumps his body by the side of the road, gets behind the wheel, and drives off. The screen splits, and we see multiple shots of the van burning beside the bodies of the Junkyard Gang. The time is 11:10:29 AM.
The time is 11:15:56 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer prowls the streets of suburban L.A. in the Winston-mobile, Rolaide sits in her office in front of Palmer, Spawn awaits word from the emergency room doctors on how JonBenet is doing, and at CTU, the rescue workers are trying to make some sense of the bombing. Kiefer speeds along and whips out a cell phone. He calls CTU. Bitchelle answers her desk phone, which is covered with rubble -- hello? building was just bombed? -- and gives him the casualty report (twenty-one dead and counting). Kiefer asks why the building wasn't evacuated. Bitchelle informs him that there wasn't enough time. Kiefer is konfused by this news. He tells Bitchelle that he's located Joe Wald, and he's heading over to Wald's house. Oh, and the Junkyard Gang is totally dead. Bitchelle tells him that Mason wasn't there for the blast, and that she's sending back-up to Joe Wald's house. Ironically, Kiefer informs Bitchelle that everything worked out with Kim getting out of the blast range. They finally got in touch with each other, and she's headed for Aunt Carol's. Bitchelle is all, "Yeah, she spoke to Soul Patch." So then Kiefer wants to know why Spawn spoke to Soul Patch. Bitchelle manages not to really answer him. Back at Darlene's pile-on, one of the rescue workers helping Soul Patch removed something from the pile that he shouldn't have, and there's a big thud sound. Ouch. Bitchelle gives Soul Patch Kiefer's news. "He asked about his daughter," she says. Soul Patch realizes that Spawn was probably in the building when the blast happened, and starts to freak out. He tells Bitchelle to check the security log for the building -- the very security log that Spawn signed before she almost entered CTU. I see what's coming!
Meanwhile, at the emergency room, Spawn is talking to an Asian female doctor about JonBenet's prognosis. Hey, was this the same Asian female doctor from last season's trip to St. Mahk's? Well, if she is, she's being awfully uppity, considering that she was the one who let FauxYork smother PMMS with a pillow last year. She tells Spawn that she had to call the police on her Shaky British Nanny ass, because they found all of these other untreated prior fractures that seem to indicate a pattern of child abuse. No, it doesn't occur to Spawn to simply tell Asian Female Doctor that she just started working at No!DaddyNo! Manor and wouldn't have had time to expose JonBenet to said pattern of abuse.
Over at NSA, a boardroom full of uniformed government types, including Palmer, Rolaide, and Raygun, watches the TV news report on the CTU bombing. Raygun announces that this terrorist strike proves it's high time they start preparing to evacuate Los Angeles, since the bombing is going to start rumors and mass panic anyway. Rolaide points out snarkily that evacuations themselves cause mass panic. Raygun defends himself by promising that he has "cover stories" set up to get the citizens of L.A. out of town "in stages" without arousing suspicion. "That's a pretty tough sell for nine million people," says Rolaide dryly. Hee! Raygun says that the military will "contain" any civil unrest. Rolaide says that the evacuation will take one week, and yet the intel indicates that the bomb is going off that very day. Raygun says that at least they can save "twenty percent" the city population. Palmer snaps that twenty percent isn't good enough. Raygun argues that the evacuation, no matter how unsuccessful, will save Palmer "politically." "If the bomb goes off," says Palmer, "we'll have more important concerns than my reelection." Raygun licks his lips like the lizard that he is. Palmer calls for absolutely no evacuation plans. And we all know what happens when Palmer gives a solemn order, right? I can see where this is going.
Kiefer, while driving toward Wald's house, makes another call to Palmer. Rolaide answers and tells him that the president is busy, but she can help him. Kiefer rips into her for not warning CTU in time. Rolaide tries to explain what happened, but ends up making it sound like she was totally to blame for not getting through until five minutes before the blast. Kiefer tears her a new one and lets her know that he considers her responsible for killing a whole bunch of innocent people. So much for them hooking up.
So yeah, how are those folks at Chez Crew doing? I've been dying to know how much PoorMan'sCateBlanchett is freaking out around Reza now that she knows he's a terrorist. That is, if by "dying," you mean "vaguely curious," or if by "to know," you mean "to take a break from recapping and get myself from coffee from the deli door." It's always tradition on 24 to break promises in record time, and by gum, the folks at Chez Crew aren't disappointing us at all on that account. Just moments after PoorMan'sCateBlanchett is told not to tell a soul about Reza's terrorist connections, she pulls her dad aside in the garden to pose for a catalog shot featuring the women's extra-small lycra/cotton zipneck jersey top with three-quarter sleeves in lilac, and to tell him that she hired a private detective to check on FarsiBoy and found he had terrorist connections. Papa Crew, who is modeling a large untucked men's oxford cloth shirt in white, pulls Cate into the cabana. Yeah, they even have a pool with a cabana. There's an illegal alien extra cleaning it and everything. He asks her what proof the private detectives gave her. Cate is forced to admit that there's no concrete proof. Papa Crew tells Cate that there are "explanations" for whatever the investigator found, because Papa Crew had Reza checked out with another set of investigators. "I am a businessman and I'm a damn good one," says Papa Crew, explaining why he'd never let a terrorist into the family. "My daughters are my most precious assets. I wouldn't let either one of you get married without performing due diligence." Uh, whatever.
FarsiBoy enters the cabana just as their conversation is ending. "I think my cousin has a crush on you," says FarsiBoy to Cate with a fetching smirk. What? She's been running around Chez Crew like a scared rat ever since he got there. What's to crush on? I mean, what's he going to say to his friends? "I met the most striking abuse survivor last night! She gave off a crazy Kennedy cousin vibe!" Cate demurs that FarsiCousin "seemed nice," and starts to leave to go pick up lunch. Reza offers to go with her to help her carry everything. Apparently, PoorMan'sReneeZellweger is famous for her big lunches…or something. Cate says she can do it herself. Reza insists on helping her. Papa Crew, who winks at Reza a little too suspiciously, insists that Cate take Reza along to pick up lunch. Cue up the "I'm being stalked in a Lifetime Movie" piano music. The time is 11:24:13 AM.
The time is 11:28:38 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn is still talking with Asian Female Doctor, Kiefer keeps driving toward Wald's, an ambulance takes Mason back into town, and rescue workers try to get little Darlene out of the well. Inside Mason's ambulance, he gives a Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge cough and takes a phone call from Soul Patch. Soul Patch needs Mason's password; he needs to retrieve the data on his computer, because Darlene was using it to encrypt. Mason tells Soul Patch that his password is "Hendrix." Yeah, I can totally see Mason being one of those guys who graduated from college in '70 and thinks it's so cool that he's a g-man who still likes to par-tay. Mason asks after Darlene. Soul Patch tells him that Darlene isn't doing too well. They hang up. Mason asks an EMT in back with him if he's "contagious." The EMT replies that Mason is not contagious. Techno music plays. It's like Mason is thinking that since he's going to die soon, he may as well do some ecstasy and go back to CTU to get Darlene out from under the rubble.
Meanwhile, the Winston-mobile is still moving along. Kiefer is flooring it, but when he comes to a stop sign, he actually makes a perfect full stop like they tell you to in driving school. Then he puts the pedal to the metal again. Hee! Finally he comes to Wald's house. You can tell it's home to a right-wing militia guy because there's a chain-link fence around the outside. Nothing says "redneck terrorists live here" as emphatically as a chain-link fence. Kiefer approaches the bungalow, which is all boarded up and neglected, and knocks on the door, still holding that bandanna to his faux head wound. Wald doesn't open up. He wants to know where the rest of the Junkyard Gang is. Kiefer explains that they're dead. Not that he admits to killing them or anything. Wald lets him in. He's a balding guy wearing a flannel shirt. Kiefer pulls his gun on Wald once he's inside and takes Wald's (much larger) gun from him. He demands to know who told Wald to bomb CTU. Wald refuses to admit that he was bombing CTU per someone else's orders. Kiefer tells him about the nuclear bomb set to go off, and how the CTU bombing was a secondary strike designed to incapacitate the counter-terrorists. "Who told you to hit CTU today?" asks Kiefer, pushing the gun into Wald's face in a way that's not homoerotic at all. A pit bull comes out of nowhere and pushes Kiefer to the ground. Wald gets up and runs. Kiefer shoots the dog. Uh oh. PETA isn't going to like this. Cosette and TerrorPittBull, all in the same week. Kiefer chases Wald into a shed. When he enters the shed, he discovers that Wald has barricaded himself inside some sort of panic room. There's a closed-circuit camera trained on Kiefer and everything. Kiefer picks up an axe and begins hacking away at the panic room. Wald watches this happen over the closed-circuit monitor.
Back at No!DaddyNo Manor, the phone rings. Crazy Laura picks up. It's Spawn calling from the hospital. Spawn tells her that JonBenet was having seizures. You know that moment in every Lifetime movie when the battered wife lashes out at one of her well-meaning friends due to her desire to hide the abuse? Crazy Laura accuses Spawn of kidnapping her daughter and attacking her husband. Spawn tells Crazy Laura that JonBenet has been seriously injured by DaddyStopTouchingMe's abuse. Crazy Laura claims that all of JonBenet's injuries are accidental. Spawn keeps at her until Crazy Laura finally comes to her senses and decides to back Spawn up, when the police arrive at the St. Virgil's emergency room. What happened to St. Mahk's? They hang up. Crazy Laura is just about to leave for the hospital when it's revealed that DaddyStopTouchingMe is standing behind their bedroom door. My, his head wounds cleared up fast. They stare at each other for several seconds. The time is 11:35:59 AM.
The time is 11:40:25 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Reza and PoorMan'sCateBlanchett are in his Ford Thunderbird picking up "lunch," Spawn waits for the police to show up, and Kiefer tries to penetrate Wald…I mean, "Wald's panic room." Kiefer chops away at the drywall outside Wald's panic room, but discovers a layer of steel that he can't break through. So he tries the Sutherland velvet bedroom whisper instead. He sits seductively in front of the closed-circuit cameras, whose grainy reception make it look like low-budget porn, and tells Wald about the agenda of the terrorists who had him blow up CTU. They want to destroy America, the very country that Wald is trying liberate from the American government. "I thought you wanted to give the power back to the people!" says Kiefer. "How many of them are going to have to die for you today?" He begs Wald to open the door. Wald listens nervously from inside the panic room, but doesn't respond.
Meanwhile, Reza and Cate are gonna have fun fun fun 'til her daddy takes the T-Bird away. The Farsimobile cruises down the freeway while Reza asks Cate why she doesn't like him and how come they've never gotten to know each other, despite the fact that he's worked for her father for three years. Cate denies not liking him, but agrees that they've never really bonded. "You don't know who I am," says Reza, taking a detour and claiming that he's got to "show" Cate something. Does Cate freak out because Reza isn't headed in the proper direction to pick up lunch? Oh yeah. Does the surprise turn out to be totally innocent? Sure does. Reza shows Cate the house he bought for himself and his albino bride. "I wanted you to be the first to see it," says Reza. D'oh!
Well, they finally get everything off of Darlene, but she's still looking pretty bloody. According to a dreadlocked emergency worker, Darlene is also hemorrhaging internally. They pull her out of CTU on a stretcher, and Soul Patch helps wheel her across the parking lot toward the ambulance. On the way, they run into Mason, who is wearing a suit like nothing ever happened. Mason takes charge of the situation and tells the EMTs that they are going to keep Darlene at CTU and treat her on site. They can't afford to let her go into the hospital, since she's the only one with the encryption code. It's kind of nice to see Mason recharged and committed to battle. But it's kind of creepy to see him refuse adequate medical care to Darlene. The EMT claims that he can administer some epinephrine to get her lucid. Soul Patch thinks that Darlene deserves the chance to live. Mason is all for waking her up. The time is 11:47:18 AM.
The time is 11:51:45 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Wald waits, Kiefer pants, and Palmer summons Rolaide. Rolaide enters Palmer's office and hands him a Whatever Report for his approval. "Were you ever going to tell me about the thirty minutes between the time that Jack called and the time I was notified?" asks Palmer, just as Rolaide is not-so-subtly inching her way toward the door. Rolaide takes the blame for some reason. Palmer guesses that Raygun was the one who kept Rolaide from getting the message to CTU. Rolaide offers to tender her resignation. Palmer forbids her to quit. "I don't have time to appease your guilty conscience," says Palmer. "But I still trust you. And I trust that you will tell me every single thing that happened."
Back inside CTU, Bitchelle asks Soul Patch why Darlene isn't on her way to the hospital. Soul Patch explains that they need to get her conscious so they can get the encryption code. "So Mason's going to let her die?" asks Bitchelle. Soul Patch argues that Mason made the proper decision, and puts his head down on a desk in despair. Bitchelle uses his vulnerable state as the perfect opportunity to make that move she's been wanting to make since the beginning of the season. She caresses his back with her hand and apologizes for giving him a hard time. "I'm the one who brought her to CTU," laments Soul Patch. They almost kiss. Soul Patch, probably remembering what happened the last time he got involved with someone from the office, is all, "We'd better get back to work."
Back at NSA, Raygun is visited in his office by a group of Secret Service men. The escort him to Palmer's office, where Palmer fires him for lying to him about the CTU bombing. Raygun tries to argue that he was trying to save the president from making a regrettable decision and refers to the -- now twenty-seven -- casualties as "collateral damage" in Kiefer's more important quest to find Wald. Palmer insists that he can't have anyone on his staff he can't trust. "Mr. Armus is waiting for you," says Palmer. Wow, what's with Armus taking everyone out of there? Is he the vice-principal of the White House? Or is he the NSA bouncer?
Back at Wald-en Pond, Kiefer is running out of time. He tells Wald that the back-up team will be there momentarily, which will result in either Wald's death or his imprisonment. He gives Wald one more chance to tell him who had him bomb CTU. Still no answer. Kiefer goes apeshit crazy and starts shooting at the door, but the lock holds. Kiefer gives up and steps aside for a few moments. All of a sudden, there's a beeping coming from the security system. Wald is opening up the door via remote control. Kiefer enters with his gun drawn. He tells Wald to drop his gun, but Wald insists on holding it. "The woman who gave me the plans for CTU, I only met her twice," says Wald in a calm voice. He goes on to explain that he had Eddie take some secret photos of the woman from down the street. He points to a manila envelope on the table and then shoots himself in the mouth. "Nooooooo!" yells Kiefer. He goes over to the desk and pulls out the photos. The screen splits to show, klockwise from left, Reza and Cate going back home, having finished their errand; Rolaide watching Raygun get escorted out of the building; and the EMT administering the epinephrine to Darlene. The screen goes back to Kiefer. He pulls out a photo. It's of Nina. Well, actually, I should start calling her "Yelena." And I should also point out that Yelena's hair looks like all kinds of ass. It had me and Sars up all night trying to figure out what was going on with Nina's bad hair. Is Yelena wearing an ugly wig to disguise herself? Was it really windy that day? Did Sarah Clarke majorly diss the set hairdresser? I give up! What is up with that mop? The time is 11:59:58…11:59:59…12:00:00 PM.