My name is Kiefer. How was your summer? Could you all please go out right now and buy a Ford? They totally own my "commercial-free" ass for the hour. Thanks. Notice how natty I look right now with my freshly cut hair and charcoal gray suit? That blue glow to my skin is not a video effect, but an actual feature of my skin. You see, I possess so much genetic charisma that an icy blue light emanates naturally through my pores. I'm just reminding our viewers that although I may look like all kinds of ass once tonight's episode starts, in less than an hour I will neaten up and look just as sharp as I did last season. Um, not that any of you would remember last season since, uh, none of you were watching and we were nearly canceled, thank you very much. But I'm not holding a grudge or anything. Oh, by the way? Smallville sucks.
Fords, Fords, Fords. Ford pick-up trucks. Ford minivans. Ford sports cars. The Ford Mustang. The Ford Thunderbird. Twenty-four hours of Fords. Go out and buy a Ford. Seriously, you've got time. You can totally drive down to the dealership right now, since this commercial is going to last for years. In fact, we're not going to start this show until you go out a buy a Ford. We're waiting. The following takes place between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM. Events occur in real time.
It's midnight in Seoul, South Korea. In a warehouse in a seedy, empty section of town, a handsome shirtless Korean man is being tortured by about three or four really good-looking Koreans in lab coats. I have no idea exactly how they're torturing him, but it involves electricity and custard-y liquid, and this guy's hands and feet are covered with plastic bags. A really spooky-but-hot Korean lady in a lab coat reminds the screaming detainee that the pain will stop if he talks. More levers are pulled. More screams. The detainee whispers something into the female torturer's ear. The torture is stopped. One of the torture dudes runs a fair distance down the hall to report the information to his superiors…who turn out to be American government officials. D'oh! Head G-Man is all, "When?" Torture Dude is all, "Today!"
The time is 08:02:20 AM in Lake Oswego, Oregon. The gorgeous mountain scenery evokes a Certs commercial. President Palmer and Theo have come to this natural paradise so that they can fish and President Palmer can make good on that promise he made last season that he spend more time alone with his dickhead son. Well, just him and a few Secret Service agents. An expository conversation reveals that the Palmers are divorced and Lady Mac is still hurting. One of the Secret Service guys gets a cell phone call. Scary music looms on the soundtrack. "There's been a situation, Mr. President!" says the Secret Service guy. Someone screams.
Actually, the "someone" screaming was a little blonde girl playing with her daddy. The little girl runs up the stairs of her home, runs into a bedroom, and hides under the covers. The bedroom turns out to be SpawnOfKiefer's. She's the kid's live-in nanny, and she's wearing a pink sleeveless top. Oh, by the way? Speaking of nannies? Read The Nanny Diaries, if you haven't already. It's awesome. "I'm hiding from Daddy!" says the little girl gleefully. That line is actually a foreshadowing of bad things to come, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean, how bad could this daddy be if he's taking time out of his busy day beating and psychologically torturing his wife to spend some quality time with his daughter? Jeez, I'm getting ahead of myself again. DaddyStopTouchingMe enters, and he's not too hard on the eyes. He looks like a young Dennis Quaid. He and JonBenet horse around joyfully on Spawn's bed until JonBenet gets away and runs out. DaddyStopTouchingMe remains, staring at Spawn as she brushes her teeth in the adjoining bathroom. Spawn catches a strange vibe from him. JonBenet calls him over to continue playing with her. He exits. Tinkle tinkle tinkle goes the scary Lifetime movie piano.
Back at Lake Oswego, the President's team is preparing to transport the President to wherever it is you go when there's a national emergency. Palmer apologizes to Theo about the fact that they didn't get to spend any time together. I hope that's a meta statement about how "little" time we have to spend with Theo this season. Plus, hopefully, we're not going to hear a peep out of Nicole. "We'll get there," promises Palmer. Palmer's new aide -- let's just call her AsianPatty for now -- apologizes to Palmer about the fact that the time with his son was cut short, and informs him that the emergency "looks bad." Palmer gets into a Ford Explorer, and they take off. Well, I just hope that when and if our country is under threat of nuclear attack, they'll drive our real president to safety in a Ford vehicle. It's really the only kind of car that is appropriate for such an important errand.
Back at CTU, which hasn't been redecorated since we last saw it, the girl who played Darlene on Roseanne is apparently the new Jalapeño/Milo. She approaches Soul Patch -- who has shaved off his soul patch -- and asks him some really obscure Whatever Technology questions about how he wants to her organize data. Soul Patchless tells Jalapeño 2.0 that he doesn't care. Mason enters. He's grown a beard. Jalapeño 2.0 -- whose real name is Paula -- asks him some overly detailed Whatever Technology questions that he doesn't care about either. Mason tells her to stop. Give the girl a break. She's just really excited to be back at work, seeing as it's been five years since Roseanne was cancelled. She exits.
Mason and Soul Patchless discuss airport security upgrades, since that's been the focus of CTU's work lately now that the Drazens have been brought down. Mason makes a remark about hating his job and how he "should be in D.C.," which I guess means that he didn't get that promotion Palmer promised him last year. Soul Patchless takes a sip of coffee, and we learn that yet another cast member has been brought back from last season: Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug. I'm guessing that this is Nina 2.0 entering, wearing a puce-colored clingy rayon suit and suffering from a case of bitchface. She tells Mason that Eric Rayburn from the NSA has just called about an urgent matter, and hands Mason a sheet of paper, presumably a fax from Rayburn's office. The fax makes Mason gasp. "This can't be right," says Mason, exiting to return the call. I'm guessing that the paper had a pencil drawing of a mushroom cloud and the word "KABOOM" written underneath it. Nina 2.0 slithers over to SoulPatchless's desk and tells him that the NSA wants CTU to bring in Kiefer. As she mentions Kiefer's name, her eyes light up. It's as if she met Nina at some mole sleepover, and over a game of Truth or Dare, Nina told her how great Kiefer was in bed. Soul Patch wants to know why they're kalling for Kiefer. Nina 2.0 says she doesn't know. "Isn't Kiefer inactive?" she asks. Oh, that wasn't suggestive at all.
At the mention of Kiefer's name, the screen splits, and a headless figure in a pair of hiking boots, black jeans, and a flannel chamois shirt can be seen walking down a city street. It's Kiefer! But then, we knew that from his confident, purposeful and penetrating stride. It's the kind of gait that wins Golden Globe awards, but doesn't run fast enough to catch up with Julia Roberts as she runs off to Ireland with Jason Patric. A facial close-up reveals that, one year after his wife died (and his daughter didn't), Kiefer is bearded, shell-shocked, and gaunt with grief. He approaches a Ford minivan, gets inside, and drives off. Wow, I can't get over the acceleration on that Ford minivan! That engine is so well made, owning one would almost make the loss of a loved one bearable!
The Palmer convoy -- escorted by a military chopper, even -- approaches the Northwest Regional Operations compound, which I'm guessing is one of those emergency government places. Palmer exits the Ford Explorer wearing an apricot button-down shirt, which is about as "presidential" as a pair of fuchsia leg warmers. As he enters the main building, he throws on a beige hunting jacket and descends a long flight of stairs along with his staff until he reaches another door guarded by military personnel. I suppose the art director thought that the slate finish on the walls would make the NSA set look Spartan and rustic, but instead it just looks like Palmer is meeting Henry Kissinger and Bob Evans for a drink in the basement bar of an Ian Schrager hotel. Eric Rayburn of the NSA introduces himself. Oh, this man is going to be trouble. I can just feel it. He and Palmer get into an elevator together, along with some Secret Service agents, and take it down to an even lower level. KreepyEric informs Palmer of a "domestic terrorist alert." He insists that it's serious.
They get off the elevator and enter a huge conference room with sepia-tinted walls, ergonomically correct chairs, sleek space-age tables, multimedia wall projections, and recessed lighting fixtures. Loads of people -- representatives from all of the branches of the military, the FBI, and the CIA -- are buzzing around. An older male extra runs up to Palmer and tells him that PoorMan'sHumeCronyn is shooting a pilot…I mean, "on a plane." Palmer takes a seat at the head of the table to Lynne, a camera-friendly member of his staff whom the boards call Ensign Ro. Eric Rayburn tells the assembled G-people that a terrorist group called the Second Wave planted a nuclear device on U.S. soil. It's set to go off this season…I mean, "today." Everyone gasps. A really slick slideshow starts, which tells the story of how this suicide bomber named Mamud Rashed Faheen blew up a building in the West Bank of Israel, killing lots of people. However, two days ago it was discovered that Faheen was still alive, and the suicide bombing was enacted to create the impression that Faheen was dead. They tortured one of his friends and found out about the bomb. Palmer asks what country is affiliated with the Second Wave. Eric replies that there is no official affiliation. Palmer asks about any unofficial affiliation. Eric hands Palmer a manila folder with the name of the country inside. You know -- that way, we the viewers don't know which country they're talking about. "Get me their prime minister," says Palmer, handing the folder to Lynne.
The time is 08:12:31 PM. There has been no commercial break, but the screen is splitting as if we've just had one. Klockwise from the top left, Palmer is shown watching more TerrorSlides, Spawn and JonBenet are having breakfast, and LumberJack is driving somewhere. The camera pulls back to reveal that Spawn and JonBenet are being served their breakfast by JonBenet's mom, who is played by Tracey Middendorf, a.k.a. Crazy Laura on a Hot Tin Roof from . I'm getting the feeling that Crazy Laura is a battered wife, because she's wearing a lot of eye makeup and having a Lifetime movie-style freak-out over the plate of eggs and bacon that she's about to serve to DaddyStopTouchingMe. I guess she gets the strap if the eggs touch the bacon or something. Also, her hair color is the exact same shade of blonde as JonBenet and Spawn's. She tells Spawn that she's expecting a package and to look out for it. The banter between the Blondes is friendly and sunny. Crazy Laura refers to Spawn as "the best nanny ever." DaddyStopTouchingMe enters. He and Crazy Laura have one of those bliss-filled affectionate moments that always happens after a beatdown. She's so thrilled that he's not abusively angry anymore, and he's relieved that she's forgiven him, so they start playing grab-ass right there in the kitchen. Spawn looks up from her breakfast and accidentally makes eye contact with DaddyStopTouchingMe, who is checking her out while simultaneously groping his wife. Crazy Laura exits, ostensibly to go to work. As soon as she's out of the house, DaddyStopTouchingMe tells Spawn, apropos of nothing, that she's got a great body. "Do you work out?" he asks. "Not really," says Spawn. "I like to swim." Spawn, you forgot to mention that you like running in heels through bad neighborhoods in L.A., climbing hills, and chasing toxic men.
Back at NSA, Palmer finally gets in touch with the prime minister of Fauxraqistan and asks him about The Second Wave. Of course, the PM of F denies any ties to The Second Wave; of course, Palmer threatens to hold Fauxraqistan responsible if the nuclear bomb is detonated regardless. Of course, the PM of F informs Palmer that if he retaliates against Fauxraqistan, the U.S. will be at war with the entire Arab world. Oh man, why can't I be recapping something fluffy like American Idol?
Out in front of No!DaddyNo! Manor, Spawn coaches JonBenet on her skateboarding. There's a Ford Explorer parked across the street, and the driver is watching Spawn. A fancy sideview mirror shot establishes that the driver is none other than MountainManKiefer. Of course, if Spawn had any other father, it would be sweet that Daddy is checking up on his estranged daughter. However, since this father is being played by Kiefer Sutherland and everything he does is infused with sexuality, it looks like he's stalking her…and not in a paternal Reverend Camden kind of way. Meanwhile, there's this On Golden Pond-style piano music on the soundtrack that sounds like it should be called The Estranged Family Waltz. Kiefer's cell rings. It's someone from CTU, asking him to hold for George Mason. Kiefer explains that he doesn't work for CTU anymore and hangs up, despite pleas that the call is very important. Meanwhile, JonBenet wipes out on her skateboard and Spawn has to attend to her boo-boos. They have a foreshadow-y discussion about blood. Kiefer gets out of the Kiefmobile and approaches them. Spawn realizes who it is and tells JonBenet to go play by herself in the backyard. What a sweet nanny gig! Spawn gets breakfast made for her every morning, and anytime she needs a break, she can just send the kid to the backyard. "I just wanted to see you," says Kiefer. "I miss you." The trademark Sutherland velvet bedroom voice pleads some more, but Spawn is immune. She asks him to leave her alone. She's still not over Bride's death. Kiefer apologizes that the three of them aren't together as a family anymore. Spawn hugs him and assures him that it's not his fault. JonBenet reminds Spawn that she's supposed to be watching her, so Spawn has to say goodbye to Kiefer. More lilting piano chords from The Estranged Family Waltz play. Kiefer walks dejectedly back to the Kiefmobile, and you can't even check out his ass because the tail of his untucked flannel shirt is covering it.
Back at NSA, Palmer sends for Eric Rayburn. There's a "casualty assessment" report missing. KreepyEric promises to get it to him in ten minutes, and asks Palmer if they can talk to the Pentagon about what they've learned. Palmer doesn't want to discuss retaliation at this time. KreepyEric reminds Palmer that the Prime Minister of Fauxraqistan was lying about the terrorists in his country. Palmer realizes that the PM of F was lying, but still doesn't want to hold the government of Fauxraqistan responsible for this recent act of terrorism until they know more. "Right now, my only concern is protecting Americans," says Palmer. "Somewhere in Los Angeles, there's a terrorist with his finger on the trigger and we've got stop him."
Meanwhile, as Palmer is talking about terrorists in L.A., the screen splits to reveal a handsome Middle-Eastern-looking man driving a Ford Mustang Convertible and "speaking Farsi" (according to the closed captioning) to someone on his cell phone. He pulls up to an opulent L.A. home, ends the conversation, parks, and approaches the house, whose sunny grassy grounds look like the setting for a J. Crew catalogue photo shoot. Then they do one of those 24-style fake-outs where you think he's sneaking up on this blonde girl -- who looks like a poor man's Renee Zellweger -- in order to abduct her, because the music is all eerie and suspenseful, but in fact they turn out to know each other and he's just playfully surprising her. Actually, he's her fiancé. PoorMan'sReneeZellweger's sister enters, played by Sarah Wynter, one of those doomed actresses who had the misfortune of winding up on the cover of Vanity Fair in one of those Hollywood issues, only to never be heard from again until she surfaced just now as eye candy on a Fox show. I think that one of the reasons that Sarah Wynter never found much work is because she looks too much like Cate Blanchett, and Cate ended up getting all of the parts that Sarah was up for. So PoorMan'sCateBlanchett teases the couple about their friskiness, and brings on some expository dialogue about how their wedding is just ten episodes…I mean, "hours" away, and there appears to be a problem with the flowers. PoorMan'sReneeZellweger runs off to see about the flower problem, leaving FarsiBoy and PoorMan'sCateBlanchett alone to chat. It comes up that FarsiBoy has sent the J. Crew family's company car to pick up his cousin at the airport. PoorMan'sCateBlanchett seems concerned, but doesn't say anything. Papa J. Crew, a dashing older guy whose hair doesn't match his beard, enters and does a little male bonding with FarsiBoy, his future son-in-law, who exits to go help "fix the fountain." PoorMan'sCateBlanchett pulls Papa J. Crew aside and expresses her concern to him that FarsiBoy is using the resources of the family business to do his personal errands. She also brings up the fact that he uses the condo in Palm Springs and often takes "days off." Papa J. Crew accuses PoorMan'sCateBlanchett of not trusting FarsiBoy because he's "middle Eastern." PoorMan'sCateBlanchett denies being racist and claims that it's "something else" about FarsiBoy that makes her suspicious, but she can't say what. They laugh off PoorMan'sCateBlanchett's suspicions together. "Maybe I'm just having a hard time letting go of my sister," she says, tilting her head and showing off her capped teeth. Oh, and then they exposit over the fact that PoorMan'sCateBlanchett and PoorMan'sReneeZellweger's mom is dead, but would have been so happy to have seen PoorMan'sReneeZellweger get married.
Back the NSA, KreepyEric is on the phone with Mason. Mason explains that they're having trouble establishing kommunication with Kiefer, and that in his "present condition," he wouldn't be worth the trouble anyway. KreepyEric urges Mason to get Kiefer with a not-at-all homoerotically charged plea. "I need this guy and I need him now," says KreepyEric. Yeah, we know. Mason informs KreepyEric that there's only one way he can think of to rope the Kiefer in, but KreepyEric probably won't like it. "You're there with the president, right?" asks Mason.
The time is 08:24:26 AM. The phone rings in LumberJack's bachelor pad. And by the way, you just know that Kiefer has fallen on hard times because the furniture is totally mediocre. It's Office Depot and Caldor all the way. Kiefer walks past the ugly seventies-era touchtone phone and a late nineties PC atop a gray particle board computer stand, and climbs the stairs. He throws his keys down on a Mary Tyler Moore-style kitchen counter and pours himself a glass of water, ignoring a message left by Soul Patch begging him to return his calls. A siren can barely be heard from outside. Kiefer reacts sharply to the sound. He walks over to his desk, reaches into a drawer -- past a really big-ass gun -- and removes a framed picture of Bride, Kiefer, and Spawn during one of their rare happy moments. He holds the picture, nearly sobbing, as The Shattered Family String Quartet plays. He caresses the frame like a lover and sinks into the couch. The phone rings again. This time it's someone from President Palmer's office, asking to speak to him about an urgent matter. He gets up from his picture make-out session and picks up the phone. Palmer gets on the line and chastises Kiefer for ignoring CTU's calls. Kiefer insists that he no longer works at CTU. Palmer withstands the Sutherland Velvety excuse, and rides Kiefer until he agrees to go back to CTU and consider helping out with a certain emergency situation. "This is no ordinary request," says Palmer. "Go to CTU. Listen to what they have to say and make your decision then."
The time is 08:28:26 AM. Another non-commercial commercial break. Klockwise from the top left, Mason sits at his desk, Palmer hangs up with Kiefer, and Spawn enters the No!DaddyNo! kitchen. Spawn encounters Crazy Laura wrapping a gift with an intensity that could only suggest OCD or the threat of imminent spousal abuse. "I thought you left for work," says Spawn. Crazy Laura explains that she forgot to wrap a gift for DaddyStopTouchingMe to give to his assistant. Spawn offers to take care of it, but Crazy Laura insists that only she can wrap DaddyStopTouchingMe's present because she's Maggie the Cat and she is wrapping presents on a hot tin roof. "Could you take JonBenet upstairs to play?" asks Crazy Laura, as the theme from Back Of My Man's Hand plays in the background. Spawn is all, "Sure."
Back at CTU, Nina 2.0 swings by Soul Patch's desk, puts her face way too close to his, and tells him that she thinks something important is up, because there's been an "information flow advisory" declared. This apparently means that another agency is being brought in to advise them or something. Soul Patch tells her to call in some agents that have the day off that day, and then to go filter some information, whatever that means. Nina 2.0 draws back from Soul Patch's personal space and goes off to do his bidding, glancing back at him meaningfully and catching his eye. In yet another one of those ambiguo-shots that 24 is famous for where you don't know whether someone is up to no good or just plain horny, Darlene watches Nina 2.0 intensely as she sits down at her desk. Removing her glasses and hooking them on the neckline of her peasant top, she walks over to Nina 2.0's desk and asks her what's going on…with the "information flow advisory" and Kiefer being brought in, that is. Nina 2.0 insists that everything is going to be fine. Darlene flips her Clifford The Dog haircut in Nina 2.0's face and offers to do some Whatever programming for her. Nina 2.0 tells her to stop trying too hard. Darlene apologizes, and exposits that she's been waiting "two years for this assignment" and she's just excited.
Mason calls for an emergency meeting of all the department heads. Soul Patch, Nina 2.0, Darlene, and eight other super-chic and multi-racial extras gather around Mason at the foot of the stairs leading to Ye Olde KieferKube. These people are all department heads? What departments? Personal shopping? Visual display? Anyway, instead of going into a conference call and, say, closing the door and having a private meeting, Mason tells everyone gathered about the nuclear bomb right then and there on the main floor of CTU. Yeah, try keeping that top secret. Mason insists that they all stop communicating with anyone outside of their division, and that there are to be no calls or emails to family, friends, or otherwise. They are to find the bomb and defuse it without creating a panic. Jack, Nina 2.0, and Darlene are horrified, while the extras look like they're getting lecture on folding and stacking sweaters properly. The "meeting" breaks up, and Soul Patch asks Mason if the kall to Kiefer has anything to do with this emergency and why Kiefer is the one they need. Mason replies that Kiefer's kallback is related to the nuclear emergency and has something to do with an underkover assignment he did a long time ago.
Back at NSA, KreepyEric is with Palmer's staff, going over each kind of bomb that could be detonated that day and the casualty scenarios for each type. For instance, a "dirty bomb" will kill lots and lots of people, and an actual stolen Soviet nuclear warhead would kill mega lots and lots of people. For each scenario, KreepyEric has a smart-looking big yellow chart with a map, a 3-D rotating globe, and everything. Like, who had time to put an audiovisual presentation together since they tortured all this information out of someone less than half an hour ago? The table of presidential advisors gasps. Apparently, they didn't realize that nuclear bombs are really really destructive and deadly if detonated. KreepyEric once again asks Palmer to meet with the Pentagon to discuss military action. Palmer insists that this is not a military matter, and that he will approach things his way. The meeting is over. Everyone leaves the table except for Lynne. She and Palmer exchange meaningful glances, as if contemplating what kind of nasty sex they could get into with each other if the end of the world was really near.
Meanwhile, in a "warehouse" that looks more like a Whitney Biennial art installation than the site of a terrorist action, Mamud Rashed Faheen -- who is kinda hot -- enters. He is just in time to join his TerrorAssociates in watching a TerrorLab technician pour some powder into an opening. "When will the bomb be ready?" asks Mamud of one of his henchmen. "Soon," replies the henchman.
Back at CTU, Darlene sits at her desk and stares catatonically into space. Soul Patch, who wrote the book on how to do nothing at work, tells her to do something Whatever Technology-related. Darlene doesn't answer and keeps staring. Soul Patch prods her some more. "I don't know if I can do this," she says. Soul Patch thinks she's talking about the Whatever Technology, but Darlene is talking about the whole nuclear bomb thing. "I can't work well under this kind of pressure so maybe you should bring in somebody else," she says. Soul Patch assures Darlene that she's the best programmer out there, and she's the only person they can depend on to do the job. He advises her to take it "one task at a time." Darlene either thinks about that really hard or she's just looking down so she can check out Soul Patch's package, until she finally agrees to allow CTU to harness her geek powers for the good of Team USA.
Kiefer enters. Oh yeah, like his old ID still works. His presence causes all of the extras to stop what they were doing and stare at him as he walks in and looks up at Ye Olde KieferKube. I can't figure out if the staring is because he was such a legendary cocksman in the office, or if they're all wondering when the Unabomber got released on bail and started hanging out at CTU. Soul Patch is the first to greet him. Kiefer responds warmly, and they go into the Konfrontational Koffee room to meet with Mason, Nina 2.0, and Darlene. Mason starts to make introductions, but Kiefer kuts him off and demands to know why he's there. Mason tells him about the rogue nuclear weapon planted somewhere in Los Angeles that will go off by the end of the season…I mean, "that day." UnaKiefer asks him what kind of progress they've made so far on locating the bomb and the terrorist cell who planted it. Mason admits that they've got nothing yet. Kiefer stomps out of the office, goes over to Tony's desk, and calls Spawn on her cell phone and tells her to get out of Los Angeles. Is Spawn too stupid to listen to him and get her butt out on the plane? Need I ask? She hangs up on him. He calls back and leaves a message telling her that it's really important that she leave Los Angeles, with or without Kiefer. "Please, honey, do this for me!" he pleads into Spawn's voicemail. Soul Patch catches up with Kiefer and begs him to stay and take on the investigation. Apparently, they did a background match and found that Kiefer's the only man up to the job. Soul Patch promises to send agents to get Spawn to safety and, unlike last year, not screw up her protection detail. "I trusted everyone at CTU to protect my wife last year and I lost her and I'm not going to lose my daughter," says Kiefer, the Sutherland Velvet turning to sandpaper. "I was there," says Soul Patch. Grizzly Sutherland sidesteps Soul Patch, apologizes, and leaves the building.
God, I would kill for a commercial right now. Commercial-free episodes are like "all you can eat buffalo wing night" at the local diner. It's great for all of the buffalo wing lovers out there who come for miles around with their coupons and plunk down their six dollars for unlimited servings of buffalo wings and tap water. But I'm the waiter who has to schlep back and forth from the kitchen and my tables with water pitcher and the endless refills of buffalo wings, celery sticks, and blue cheese dressing as my face breaks out from the deadly combo of Fryolater grease and sweat that will have covered every exposed surface of my epidermis by evenings end. And the tips suck. I don't know how Aaron does this every week.
So the UnaKiefer is now in the CTU parking lot, leaving a message for Spawn's Aunt Carol to get Spawn out of L.A. Could this "Aunt Carol" be Teri's twin sister? We can dream, can't we? Kiefer gets into his car and prepares to leave L.A. But wait. He sees a hippy mom and her cute little boy walking down the street in front of the CTU parking lot. Okay, thinks Kiefer, maybe I lost my whole family, but others might lose their families today too. He returns to CTU -- because his pass still works -- and barges into Mason's office, where Mason is in the middle of chastising Soul Patch for letting Kiefer slip through their fingers and snarking on Nina 2.0. Kiefer demands that Spawn be taken out of L.A., and that her safety be confirmed throughout the day by Tony. "Sorry, I don't trust you," says Kiefer to Mason, referring obviously to last season when Mason didn't let Kiefer know that the safe house had been penetrated. Ree-ow! Mason agrees to Kiefer's conditions, but stresses that this crisis is bigger than all of their differences and they've got to work together blah blah blah. Tony leaves to arrange Spawn's protection. Kiefer sits down, and the briefing starts. Nina 2.0 exposits that a suspected cell leader named Joseph Wald is their best link to the Second Wave, and since Jack knows him from doing some undercover work with him in the past, he's their target. Apparently, this Joseph Wald guy got out of jail after Kiefer put him away. This guy is also somehow magically not aware that Kiefer was the undercover agent who put him away, even though you'd think something like that would come up at the trial. Nevertheless, Wald is awaiting trial for some brand-new charges that could put him away for life, but no one can track down his exact location. "Are there any key witnesses against him at his trial?" asks Kiefer. Darlene tells him about a witness named Marshall Goren. "Without him, there's no case," she says, giving Kiefer a file. Kiefer tells Mason to bring Marshall in…now. Mason asks why. Kiefer doesn't answer.
Back at Chez Crew, FarsiBoy and PoorMan'sReneeZellweger are squabbling over the fact that one of PoorMan'sReneeZellweger's ex-boyfriends is coming to the wedding. FarsiBoy is offended. PoorMan'sReneeZellweger tries to assure him that since they haven't been involved for over six years, the ex-boyfriend is "more of a brother" to her. PoorMan'sCateBlanchett, who is also at the table with them, asks FarsiBoy why he's so "jealous." FarsiBoy says something sexist about how his family expects him to marry someone who has saved herself for him. PoorMan'sCateBlanchett accuses him of thinking of her sister as "damaged goods." PoorMan'sReneeZellweger stops the conflict by assuring her sister that FarsiBoy is "wrapped around [her] little finger." There's a phone call for PoorMan'sCateBlanchett. She takes it inside. It's some sort of private investigator or corporate detective, who ran a background check on FarsiBoy at PoorMan'sCateBlanchett's request and found his business dealings to be on the up and up. PoorMan'sCateBlanchett assumes that he's calling about his fee, since the investigation is now over. But no. The Whatever Investigator is concerned, because an unrelated search turned up FarsiBoy's name in conjunction with a suspected Arab terrorist moneyman named Syed Ali. FarsiBoy's business deals with Ali could still be legitimate even if Ali is not, according to the Whatever Investigator, so they shouldn't jump to any conclusions yet. But Whatever Investigator wants to investigate further. PoorMan'sCateBlanchett authorizes him to do so.
The time is 08:49:25 AM. No commercial. More bleu cheese and a round of Diet Cokes for table seventeen. Klockwise from the top left, Nina 2.0 kontinues to brief Kief, Spawn keeps JonBenet occupied while her mom gets smacked around downstairs, and PoorMan'sReneeZellweger wraps FarsiBoy around her little finger. Palmer is meeting with some suit-wearing government-y-looking guys when Lynne interrupts, asking if Palmer called a meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff regarding retaliation. Remember? The very thing he asked KreepyEric not to do? Palmer denies setting up a meeting. "That's what I thought," says Lynne, who just got off the phone with the Pentagon. "They think they're meeting with you in five minutes," she says. Palmer tells her to cancel it. He pulls KreepyEric aside and lays a Lady Mac-style smackdown on his ass for setting up the conference call with the Pentagon. "Don't second-guess me," he commands. KreepyEric is all toady and contrite, but we all just know that this isn't going to be the last time this sort of thing will happen.
Oh, and then we cut to a bathroom. A pair of hands are rinsing themselves off. We get a shot of the rinser's back. Then his wet head. It's KleanKutKiefer. He's shaved off his beard and trimmed his own hair. He's shirtless. He's back in business. The camera doesn't show much below his shoulders, though. The time is 08:59:58…08:59:59…09:00:00 AM.