Previouslys. The Palmers are having marital problems. Bride finds out that Spawn is still alive. Spawn is thrown into the klink. Kiefer finds an underground prison, and Lou Diamond Phillips is the warden. Dennis Hopper -- as Papa Drazen -- is one of the prisoners. ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss is determined to spring his father from jail by any means necessary. "Zey are here."
Before I begin, I promised Penny Johnson Jerald's agent that I'd clarify something for y'all. Yesterday was the longest day of my life. I was waiting for a call from a certain someone on the left coast -- and I'll just let you all stew over that one for a few days -- while a client of mine was hovering around my desk wanting everything yesterday. My cell rang. According to my caller ID, it was from a California area code, so I made a supplicating shrug-like gesture to my client to indicate that I absolutely had to take the call. It wasn't the woman I was hoping to hear from. Instead it was Judy, Penny Johnson Jerald's agent. I daresay we're getting to be phone buddies. She had finally seen my interview with Penny and wanted to tell me that everyone was pleased with how it had turned out.
"Just one thing," she said, her voice getting a little more focused.
"Yeah?"
"What did you mean by, 'I didn't have the guts to ask her about GLOW'? What is GLOW?"
"Uh, Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling," I answered as softly as I possibly could. I checked to see if my client was listening. He was.
"What?" squawked Judy. "I don't know anything about that."
"It's listed on her IMDB page," I said. "She played Liberty?"
"Well, I'm going to have to ask her about that," said Judy. "That's the first I've heard of it." We hung up and I got back to work. Twenty minutes later, my phone rings again. Again, it wasn't the caller I was hoping to hear from. Hint. It was Judy. "I just got off the phone with Penny," she said. "She says that it's a mistake. She was never in GLOW. It was someone else with the same name. She even met this woman a couple of times. Oh and she wasn't a script supervisor on Clubhouse Detectives (1996), Seasons of the Heart (1993), The ButterCream Gang (1992), or Love Kills (1991) (TV) either." I promised Judy that I'd pass that information along to my readers. So there you have it.
Well, it's official, according to the Maureen Kingsley-free news. The polls have closed, and Palmer has not only won California but also all eleven primaries that were held that day. Furthermore, according to the blonde newscaster that Palmer is watching on his TV in the Palmer Suite, Palmer got a surge of votes toward the end of the day after he kame klean about Theo.
Meanwhile, back in the klink, Skank does the perp walk back to the cell which is now home to Spawn and a dozen or so strangely coiffed tough girl extras. Seriously, one girl seems to have two large rollers pinned in her hair, another squat pasty girl has a Mohawk, and there are a couple of blondes who have trashy early-nineties Guess? ad hair. It's like a movie about a women's prison that Fellini would have made if he were still alive. Skank approaches Spawn, who is sitting by herself on a suspiciously well-designed bench, and tells her that she's "in [Skank's] seat." Spawn moves to another area on this very long bench, and Skank follows her over and tells her that she's still in Skank's seat. Spawn gets up, stands by some bars, and makes friends with this twitchy girl who can't stop playing with her hair.
Back at the Palmer Suite again, the party is still going strong. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn congratulates Palmer for winning all eleven states and informs him of the results of a -- ahem -- Fox News Poll which determined that eighty-three percent of the country approved of the way that Palmer dealt with the Theo situation. No one has heard yet from the Ames and the "local businessmen" that Palmer trashed at the press conference. "They're all running for cover," says PMHC. "It couldn't have turned out better." Palmer gets the attention of his partying staff and announces that he's about to give a speech that evening. "We've still got some primaries coming up so technically it's not going to be a victory speech," he says raising his glass. "But it's gonna sound like one." Everyone laughs at Palmer's well-deserved cockiness. Palmer thanks everyone in the room for their support and orders them to enjoy the rest of the television season…I mean, "evening."
On the media balcony of CTU, Mason tells Nina to give him a "threat assessment" on Palmer halfway through the episode…I mean, "in a half an hour." He suspects that since they have LittleTerrorBrother in custody, said threat looks minimal, but he still wants an update. There's a phone call for Nina. It's Kiefer. Mason intercepts the call. Kiefer tells him about the existence of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, and about TerrorPapa being alive and his attempted liberation by the LeafyTerrorMinions. He asks for back-up to thwart the attack. Mason promises to call "Division" and get back to him. Kiefer urges him not to go through Division, since time is of the essence and Victor Drazen could eskape. "You know what this man can do!" says Kiefer. Mason orders some goateed assistant to send a field unit to Saugus and to call Chappelle. Nosy Nina wants to know what's going on. "Is Kiefer all right?" she shrieks. Mason chastises Nina for wasting the best years of her life on a married man. "And picking up Soul Patch on the rebound," he adds. "What's that about?" Nina tells Mason he's out of line. Mason tells her that she's out of line. Oh, will you two just fuck already? The entrance of Soul Patch and Bride interrupts their squabble. Bride needs to talk to Kiefer immediately. Nina tells her that he's on assignment, and lets it slip that he never found out about the attack of the Safe House. Of course she lies and says that they couldn't get a hold of him and that's why he doesn't know. Then she orders Bride into the Konfrontational Koffee Room and tells her to have Soul Patch debrief her about the Safe House attack. "I need to know what's going on with my family," whines Bride. Nina promises to update her as soon as she knows anything.
Screen splits to show Kiefer in the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, which is in a state of black-out. Kiefer trains a gun on TerrorPapa and backs him up against a wall. Future corpse…I mean Special Guest Agent La Bamba radios the rest of his men, but no one "copies" back to him. They try to figure out how they can get out as fast as possible. SpecialGuestAgentLaBamba pulls a gun on TerrorPapa himself and tries to intimidate him into telling him where the LeafyTerrorMinions are stationed, but TerrorPapa is stone cold. He says nothing. At one end of the hallway, a loud explosion can be heard. The LeafyTerrorMinions are blasting their way into the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. Kiefer, TerrorPapa, and Special Guest Agent La Bamba move in the other direction, and a few of their armed men follow and defend the retreat. The time is 8:10:00 PM. Wow, that's a short first segment.
The time is 8:14:46 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn's behind bars, the CTU back-up helicopters encircle the Lou Diamond Kave, and everyone's partying with the Palmers. Meanwhile, in the ex-Kiefer Kube, Mason is trying to get Chappelle on the phone. He leaves an urgent message with one of his aides. While he's about to explain that one of his men is stranded in a secret DoD facility, said man's wife, i.e. Bride of Kiefer, waltzes into his office like she's a bored teenager hanging out at CTU because of Take Your Daughter To Work Day. Mason does a good glad-handling. Bride wants to know where Spawn is. Mason assures her that her daughter is safe. He doesn't have the Sutherland velvet, but he sure is convincing. Nina kalls from downstairs, asking a question about the "back-up unit" heading for Saugus. Bride hears the speakerphone conversation and wants to know if what they're talking about involves Kiefer. Xander smoothly gets a CTU worker to "baby-sit" Bride.
The Palmer people are still partying on. And it's one of those parties you only see in Cyndi Lauper videos or cruise ship advertisements where every last person is having a ball. Even Palmer is out there mingling. All of a sudden, he remembers something. "Where's Patty?" he asks PoorMan'sHumeCronyn. Yeah, that's what we'd like to know, since the previews for tonight's show have Patty putting the moves on Palmer…oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. But seriously, since when does anyone care where PerkyPatty is? She was gone for two whole episodes, replaced by a white woman even, and no one noticed. Now Palmer needs her. I mean, anyone watching the previews knows why he needs her, but let's pretend to be uninformed, shall we? PMHC tells Palmer that Patty is "finishing up a speech." Bamp bamp chicka pow pow. Palmer enters the room where Patty is "finishing up a speech" and asks her how she's doing. He leans over her and looks at the screen. Patty is visibly shaken over his proximity to her. "I've made the changes you wanted," she says nervously. Whoa! Patty is doing her job. That's so sexy and inappropriate. They talk about the day's victory and how Palmer's "family" must be so happy. Palmer is tired. It's been a long day. Patty is concerned. She presses her lips together as if she's trying not to think about that blowjob she wants to give him. He suggests some more changes and gets up to leave the room. But wait. Patty wants to say something. "I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you," she says. "I don't see many people who stand by their principles the way you do and I truly believe our country would be a better place with you leading it." Notice how she didn't say that our country would be "more exciting" with Palmer leading it? Nevertheless, Palmer gets the subtext and confesses to feeling "flustered." He thanks her for the "wonderful unexpected compliment" and exits. Aw! Patty! Who knew? Well, I did when I saw last week's preview, but still: Aw! Patty!
Back at the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, the CTU Kopters have arrived. A pilot reports back to Mason by telephone that the door looks blown in and therefore "the hostiles are inside." They're preparing to go in. Meanwhile, inside, Kiefer and the Lou Diamond Phillips Minions are trying to find their way around with flashlights. All of a sudden, the LeafyTerrorMinions enter and there's a standoff. FATB has a gun trained on Special Guest Agent La Bamba. Kiefer has a gun trained on Dennis Hopper. Special Guest Agent La Bamba begs Kiefer not to give in, but Kiefer lets Dennis Hopper go in the hopes of saving his new boyfriend. Kiefer drops his gun and puts his hands up, and FATB shoots Special Agent La Bamba. Aw! I thought we'd be seeing more of him. TerrorPapa and FATB have a touching reunion. They do that European cheek kiss and everything. Dennis Hopper asks after Alexis. FATB says something in Serbian -- presumably, "Kiefer killed him." Dennis Hopper holds a gun to Kiefer's head, but before he kan avenge his hot son's death, a LeafyTerrorMinion reports that some CTU men are coming. "Collapse the corridor immediately," says Dennis Hopper.
Stephen Hopkins: Uh, Mr. Hopper?
Dennis Hopper: What do you want?
Stephen Hopkins: Well, I was just thinking that, uh, since your character is supposed to be Eastern European and all, you might like to speak with a Serbian accent or something.
Dennis Hopper: Oh, sorry dude, Veronica Hamel and I were doing this miso candy advertisement in Japan last week and there was this crazy party afterwards and I didn't have anytime to prepare. How's this: "Collapse ze corridor immeeediateley!"
Stephen Hopkins: Uh, I guess that will do.
Anyway, Dennis Hopper decides to spare the Kiefer, because they might need him later as a "bargaining cheep." The LeafyTerrorMinions blow up the hallway behind them. "That was a mistake. Now you're trapped," says Kiefer. "Vee shall see!" says Dennis.
Hey, let's say you're in an all-female prison holding cell and you don't have a harmonica handy. How do you pass the time? Duh! By having a mini-gang war over a joint. One of Spawn's cellmates starts to attack another cellmate for "holding out on her." And she looks really tough. I think she even bought her faux-vintage tank top at Canal Jean. And the girl she's attacking is wearing a bikini top. Anyway, soon everyone gets into the action -- including some blonde girls wearing Pinky Tuscadero-style navel-baring blouses. Everyone, that is, except for Spawn and Skank. Finally Bikini Girl is held down, and Vintage Tank Girl retrieves a joint from this girl's thong panties. Yeah, good thing she was wearing her good underwear. So after the mini gang war subsides, Skank walks over to Spawn and says, "Maybe after this is all over, I'll mess you up." Oh, Skank -- get a life already. They have a meaningless argument over Spawn's non-involvement with the drug deal and Rick. Skank refers to Rick as a "loser." Spawn takes offense at this. Skank points out the ludicrousness of the fact that Rick kidnapped Spawn and almost got her killed and she's still defending him. Go Skank! But then it all deteriorates into a rinse and repeat version of the Po Ho monologue where Spawn is accused of being a rich spoiled bitch who gets everything she wants. "You don't know anything about me," says Spawn, getting feisty all of a sudden. She recites a litany of the troubles she's seen since midnight and tells Skank to "bring it on." No, she actually used the words "bring it on." Sacrilege! The cell gets quiet as all the Pat Benatar back-up dancers get an earful of Spawn threatening to klean Skank's klock. A matronly black prison guard makes a thwonking sound with her nightstick against the bars to break it up. Skank backs down. The time is 8:24:17 PM..
Norman Reedus, you were in a Prada ad. I'm not buying your tough greaser act in Deuces Wild for a second.
The time is 8:28:54 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer is still held by the LeafyTerrorMinions, Spawn is still held by the police, and Palmer is holding onto Patty's "speech." While a LeafyTerrorMinion takes a blowtorch to the tunnel walls, Kiefer and Dennis Hopper have a talk. "You think I am monster blah blah blah," says Dennis Hopper. "You're psychotic blah blah blah," says Kiefer. Ring ring. Who's there? Oh, it's Dennis Hopper on line two…you know, phoning it in? Actually, it's Xander Berkeley calling from CTU. He states that he refuses to negotiate with terrorists. Dennis Hopper threatens to kill Kiefer unless he…oh, wait, he doesn't actually make any demands. He just threatens to kill Kiefer. Mason promises to "get back to him." Nina is upset. Mason asks her if she'd rather he got someone else to help him retrieve Kiefer since she's too emotionally involved. Nina insists that she can do her job. Xander asks Soul Patch if he's heard from Chappelle. Soul Patch says he still can't get in touch with him. Nina gives the camera a painful Kiefer-related sigh.
Back in the klink, Vintage Tank Girl and her multi-culti gang have sparked up the panty-joint and are passing it around amongst themselves. Ew! Okay remember that Brady Bunch episode where Greg has this friend who smokes cigarettes and he makes Greg "hold" his cigarettes for him, which causes all sorts of mayhem because of course Mike and Carol find the cigarettes and assume that Greg is smoking? Well, this is just like that -- only with Skank and marijuana. The matronly black prison guard walks by to do her rounds. Vintage Tank Girl, instead of -- oh, I don't know -- putting the joint out and simply slipping it into her sock or something, hands the lit joint to Skank so that she'll take the fall. Now I don't know about you, but if I'm in prison for dealing ecstasy, getting caught with a single joint is really the least of my problems. I mean, if I were Skank, I'd be all, "Hey, thanks!" Well, wait, I probably wouldn't. The last thing I'd want while in jail is to feel that time was going by more slowly. "Who's smoking pot?" asks the matronly prison guard with one of her hands on her hips. Wait. Is this jail or boarding school? Vintage Tank Girl points to Skank. Skank tries to explain that Vintage Tank Girl threw the joint at her. Matronly Prison Guard believes Vintage Tank Girl and is all, "You're coming with me!" Oh no! Maybe they'll call her parents or suspend her from Andover! How is Skank gonna get into Vassar now? It's just not fair! "She's telling the truth," says Spawn, having some unexplained change of heart toward her nemesis. Vintage Tank Girl tries to beat Spawn up for making a liar out of her. The whole cell erupts into one big catfight. Well, it's not exactly a catfight; it's more of a shot of every single girl in the cell standing still and waving her arms around like she's doing the crawl in an imaginary pool. Matronly Prison Guard restores order and hauls Vintage Tank Girl off to the principal's office. "I'm gonna git you back, Blondie!" shrieks Vintage Tank Girl. In Skankville they say that the Skank's small heart grew three sizes that day… Now that Spawn's got her back, Skank asks to talk to the cops who arrested her. Matronly Prison Guard -- even though she hasn't even taken Vintage Tank Girl away yet -- actually takes Skank to KopKennyG right then and there.
Back at the Lou Diamond Phillips Memorial Kave, Kiefer lies on the ground after a beating and has an expository conversation with Dennis Hopper about how he managed to escape death by the KieferSquad. Hopper had a double that was killed instead. Jeez, and I thought Skank had it bad when she almost took the rap for Vintage Tank Girl's panty doobie. Kiefer points out to Hopper that since Hopper knew he was a target, his double made Hopper responsible for his family's death. Oh, but wait. According to Hopper, his wife and daughter got home from a trip early and that's how they got killed -- otherwise they wouldn't have been in that building. Somehow I don't think that the families of Eastern European genocide-mongers impulsively pop home a little early to surprise Daddy. Hopper admits that he "should have been more careful." Kiefer takes advantage of Hopper's moment of introspection to give him a charley horse and take his gun. FATB runs in and takes the gun from Kiefer. He and TerrorPalmer both take turns beating the krap out of Kiefer in retaliation for the death of the Terror-ettes. The time is 8:35:51 PM.
The time is 8:40:38 PM. Palmer watches the election coverage on TV, Bride haunts the halls of CTU, and Kiefer winces in Hopper-inflicted pain. There's a knock on Palmer's office door. It's Patty with a "file" that Palmer "needed." Okay, maybe now she'll give him that backrub we saw in the previews. There's another knock on the door. It's Caucasian Patty. There goes my theory that they were supposed to be the same character. She tells Palmer that they're "ready" for him to give his victory speech "downstairs." Palmer tells her that he'll be there at the top of the episode…I mean, "in twenty minutes." Caucasian Patty leaves so that African-American Patty can get on with that backrub already. African-American Patty asks Palmer if he "wants to be left alone." Palmer tells her that she can "work" in the room with him. AAP sets up her iBook in order to "work," but she can't because Palmer is staring at her. She tells him how bad she feels about the fact that this day has been "tainted" for him. Palmer tells her that Theo and Li'l Lisa are the real victims. "You're always taking care of everybody else," says Patty. "Who takes care of you?" Why, pie-faced interns, of course! She notices that he keeps kneading his shoulder muscles, so she gets up and starts to rub his back…for about five seconds. "If I get too comfortable, I may not get off this couch," says Palmer, stopping her. She gets really flustered and leaves. He's totally stoked. Aw, Patty! And wow, am I the only person who thinks Palmer is really sexy all of a sudden?
Back at CTU, Chappelle finally calls Mason back. Okay remember how on Three's Company -- according to the E! True Hollywood Story -- Suzanne Somers was so disliked by the rest of the cast that they ended up having her character Chrissy move out and keep in touch by phone so that none of the other actors had be in the same room with her when she shot her scenes? Well, I don't know what Paul Schulze did to piss off his co-stars, but Chappelle is phoning it in tonight a la Chrissy Snow. Chappelle is angry at Mason because he didn't keep Kiefer on a "tighter leash." If the news of Drazen being alive and being in custody of the U.S. government gets out thanks to Kiefer, it will be potentially embarrassing and/or scandalous. "We have to end this thing," says Chappelle. "And I'm not talking hours, I'm talking minutes." But what about Kiefer? "Nobody asked him to go out there tonight," says Chappelle, essentially letting Mason know that saving Kiefer's life isn't a priority. Mason calls Nina and orders her to "launch a full assault." Nina does what she does best: suffers quietly and professionally at her desk while making the call.
Back in the Konfrontational Koffee room, Bride paces and awaits news of her family. The extension rings. It's Soul Patch. Apparently, Skank did the right thing, because Spawn's been found at the local klink. "Patch her through as soon as she calls!" says a joyful Bride. Her elation is kut short by Nina's entrance. She tells Bride that Kiefer has been rekaptured by the TerrorSquad. "I knew you'd want to be told," says Nina to a tearful Bride.
Meanwhile, U.S. military personnel -- wearing totally silly looking helmets of their own -- storm the Lou Diamond Phillips Memorial Kave with orders not to try to save Kiefer. Mason tells Nina that the time has come. She sits down at her desk, straps on a headset left over from Madonna's 1990 world tour, and braces herself. The time is 8:48:38 PM.
The time is 8:53:28 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Bride shields her eyes from all the trouble she's been seeing, the storming of the Lou Diamond Phillips Memorial Kave continues, and Spawn is still in jail. Everyone is Cellblock 24 is Spawn's bitch now. She paces the cell while Vintage Tank Girl's former minions watch her warily. KopKennyG and Skank enter. KopKennyG escorts Skank back into the cell and summons Spawn. They're releasing her, explains KopKennyG, because Skank finally told the truth about Spawn's involvement in the drug deal. Uh, since when did anyone trust Skank's word either way? Apparently, KopKennyG then called CTU and found out about Spawn being missing. Skank and Spawn don't even say goodbye as Spawn is led out of the klink so that KKG himself can drive her to CTU and reunite her with her mother.
Back at the Palmer Suite, PMHC tell Palmer to celebrate and let go as he's just had a tough day. Palmer is reluctant to start relaxing, as there's still a tough road ahead. "Once you're in the White House," says PMHC conspiratorially, "everything defers to the office. It's what you need to do the job." He hints that Palmer can get away with some extracurriculars, if you know what I mean. I don't know -- maybe PMHC was out of the country during the Clinton administration, but I don't think any of our future presidents are going to feel comfortable having sex in the Oval Office thanks to the fact that we all know all about Bill Clinton's not-so-large curved penis. Palmer reacts ambiguously and gets ready to go downstairs for his not-victory speech.
The CTU field unit finds their way through the Lou Diamond Phillips Memorial Kave and lets Mason know via cell phone that TerrorPapa and Kiefer are gone and everyone else is dead. Nina listens in on an extension and uses some "whatever technology" to track their movements. Mason orders the unit to follow them through the tunnel they blew into the wall, but it's booby-trapped with laser mines that will take a while to defuse. "Do what you can," says Mason.
Meanwhile, TerrorPapa, FATB, and the LeafyTerrorMinions crawl out of the sewer and wind up in some grassy field where FATB's TerrorMercedes is parked. For some stupid reason, they decide to kill Kiefer now. Like, why didn't they do that back in the tunnel? Kiefer hastily saves his ass by telling them that he knows where LittleTerrorBrother is being held. They spare him and throw him into one of the TerrorJeeps. Hey, where did their leafy outfits go?
Back in the patrol kar of KopKennyG, Spawn asks to use his cell so she can call her mother. She is put through to Bride in the Konfrontational Koffee room immediately, and they have a joyous but tearful reunion over the telephone. "Where's Dad?" asks Spawn. "He's not here," says Bride artfully. They tell each other they love each other and hang up. The screen splits to show Palmer on his way to make his not-victory speech and Kiefer riding in the TerrorJeep. The screen goes back to KKG apologizing to Spawn for not believing her. "That's okay," says Spawn good-naturedly. "I don't believe it myself." All of a sudden, a van pulls in front of the KKGmobile and crashes into it. Another SUV pulls up, and two masked men shoot KKG and his partner in the head and open the car door to get Spawn. Despite her "struggle," they pull her from the vehicle. The time is 8:59:58…8:59:59…9:00:00 PM.