Previouslys. Palmer tells the truth to the public...or does he? Bride narrowly misses being shot by Jovan Musk for Men who I'm going to miss because he was really good looking. The Bad Drug Deal goes bad as predicted by anyone who's ever watched a TV show before. Spawn is in police kustody. Kiefer goes on a road trip with Xander to Saugus. The following takes place between 7:00 PM and 8:00 PM on the day of the California primaries, etc.
The fiery ball they call the sun sets -- and really fast, might I add -- over Southern California. Kiefer and Xander are still looking around the deserted fields of Saugus in search of a clue of what goes on there. Xander is getting bored and starts questioning why they're still there now that there's no light to see by. Kiefer gives a velvety explanation of how the Drazens bribed a PP&E guy to shut down the power for five minutes and that whatever is going on there is key to some aspect of the Palmer assassination. Xander gets a call on his cell phone. LittleTerrorBrother just got out of surgery. Xander leaves to go interrogate him and promises to send a car back for Kiefer. Because it's not like anyone has learned in the last nineteen hours or so not to leave Kiefer alone.
Driveway of Casa Kiefer. Soul Patch is trying to get a hysterical Bride of Kiefer and a critical-condition Dr. Phil into the Patchmobile. Now I can understand that with all that Bride has gone through since midnight, she might be forgiven for losing a little of her badassness along the way. I mean there's only so long you can keep it together, right? But nevertheless, I would pay anything to have Bride cut the steroidal whimpering. Even Dr. Phil uses one of his dying breaths to tell her to chill out. Actually, he says, "Take a breath," but you know that's just a diplomatic way for a sensitive man like Dr. Phil to tell someone like Bride to shut the fuck up. Bride kan't shut up -- or "take a breath" for that matter -- she just killed her daughter. She saw her blow up in the car. Soul Patch clears up the matter by telling her that he heard from Spawn not too long ago and that she's alive. You'd think that Bride would calm down or something but instead she gets more hysterical and insists in this shrill wail that they have to go find her stupid daughter before they do anything else. Soul Patch helps Dr. Phil inside and barks at Bride to get into the car.
As they drive back to CTU, Bride keeps bleeting out questions about Spawn. Soul Patch tells her about the phone call from the pay phone and how they're looking for her. He calls Nina at CTU and tells her that he's got Bride in the back of the Patchmobile because he just saved her life. Nina is totally unfazed by Soul Patch's heroism but wants to know how Mama Kieferette is doing. Soul Patch tells her about the temporary amnesia and her bullet-ridden "special friend." Nina pretends not to want to know all about the special friend. It's as though she's painting her toenails while she's talking to him. She tells Soul Patch to bring Dr. Phil to the clinic so he can be kwestioned -- off-camera so they don't have to pay the actor for saying more than two lines -- and bring Bride to CTU...so she and Nina can have another cat fight, I guess.
Spawn, Rick, and four-time Academy Award Winning Actress Katherine Skankburn are brought into the local precinct for booking. I assume Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother is with them in some "off-camera" capacity similar to Dr. Phil's. Spawn wants that konstitutionally ordained phone call like she's seen on TV. "I need to talk to someone," she emphasizes. "Don't listen to the bitch," says CNN Foreign Correspondent Skanktiane Amanpour. "She lies." Uniformed police officers cuff Spawn and Rick together on a bench in the waiting room. KopKennyG (tm Raramama) brings early-twentieth-century-arts patron and avant-garde writer Skanktude Stein back to his office for kwestioning. Rick tells Spawn to tell the truth to KopKennyG since she had nothing to do with the drug deal. "You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time," he says. And then for some reason it's important to Rick that Spawn "trusts" him. He promises that he'll "back up" whatever Spawn wants to tell the police. "It's time I faced up to what I did," he says. It's Spawn's turn to be fingerprinted. She passes daytime TV talk-show host Skankki Lake on her way over to the desk and they give each other attitude.
Palmer Suite. Palmer enters his bedroom and takes off his jacket. Hey, who's that in his bed? Lady Mac? No, it's Minnie Mac. Li'l Lisa is taking a nap in Daddy's bed. She's exhausted and relieved that the secret is finally out. Palmer warns her that the trouble might only just be starting. They embrace on the bed. The camera swirls around them to reveal that Lady Mac has entered the room and is looking at them suspiciously. Hell, I'm looking at them suspiciously. How the hell did this girl get a part on this show anyway? Palmer asks Li'l Lisa to give him and Lady Mac some privacy. Li'l Lisa leaves but not without giving her mother a hug and a kiss that is saturated with icy Oedipal conflict. Lady Mac predicts that the campaign is over and that the recent press conference was a virtual "concession speech." Palmer tells her that it's not over yet...the campaign, that is. The voters, he supposes, might just appreciate his honesty. The Palmers' marriage, however, might be over. "I just hope your conscience comforts you when you find it's all over," says Lady Mac. "You mean the campaign?" shouts Palmer as she exits the room. "Or us?" Lady Mac pauses before exiting the room but doesn't answer the question. She closes the bedroom door behind her. It has a mirror reflecting Palmer on it.
Kiefer looks around the wildlife preserve some more. He stumbles on a poured-cement stairway leading down to an unmarked door. Someone is watching Kiefer through binoculars, though. It's ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss with a team of EasternBlocMinions who have set up a secret camp there. FATB is wearing a black turtleneck and everything. "What's Kiefer doing here?" asks FATB into his Walkie-Talkie. The henchman on the other end of the line doesn't know. Uh, FATB? If you can't reach your brother on the phone and Kiefer is snooping around your secret camp, don't you think it's logical to assume that Kiefer got to LittleTerrorBrother somehow and subsequently intercepted some important information from him? Kiefer snoops around the mysterious door some more with a flashlight. An alarm goes off. Flashing lights disorient Kiefer. A door opens and a couple of armed guards shoot a taser dart at Kiefer. Kiefer goes down and the guards carry his unconscious body inside. Okay, this is getting interesting. The time is 7:13:48 PM.
Hey it's Jason Alexander telling all these skateboarders about the KFC Blazin' Buffalo Twister. Funny, whenever a middle-aged man is trying to hang out with a bunch of underage skateboys, fast food recommendations are usually the last things that come up. Okay, what the frig actually happens in this new Adrian Lynne film? As far as I can tell, Diane Lane is married to Richard Gere and there's some younger hot guy who cleans their pool or something. She sleeps with the pool boy...or maybe Richard Gere sleeps with the pool boy and someone dies. Can't anyone have sex in an Adrian Lynne movie without ruining their lives? I love this new Infiniti ad that has a parody of those old-time car shows.
The time is 7:16:13 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn's behind bars, Kiefer's sleeping on a kot, Palmer is praying or something, and Bride and Dr. Phil are still en route to CTU. Kiefer wakes up suddenly. He's got to barf. He crawls over to the stainless steel toilet/sink combo that is featured in finer prison complexes and retches into it. Wow, this toilet/sink combo even has a cunning little compartment for a roll of toilet paper. If Philippe Stark ever does prisons, I'm sure he'd dream up some really cool version of this. While Kiefer gulps down water from the sink part of the toilet/sink combo, the door buzzes open, and who should walk in but special guest star Lou Diamond Phillips. Remember Lou? Star of La Bamba and now-canceled Wolf Lake? Kiefer's ko-star in Young Guns? Ex-husband of Melissa Etheridge's ex-girlfriend? If this were a sitcom filmed in front of a live studio audience there'd be all this applause...like when Bebe Neuwirth as Lilith shows up on Frasier. Lou is in charge of this facility, which turns out to be an underground prison run by the defense department. Kiefer tries to introduce himself and explain that he's a CTU agent, but Lou cuts him off because he already knows who Kiefer is. He checked his wallet while he was sleeping. The handsome ones always go through your wallet while you're sleeping, don't they? Kiefer tries to explain to Special Guest Agent La Bamba that the people who are behind the Palmer assassination -- the Drazen family -- paid someone to have the power shut down for this facility at 7:20 PM that evening. Special Guest Agent La Bamba -- swayed by the sexy sweaty desperate dulcet velvety Sutherland jailhouse whisper -- acknowledges that some super-important prisoner will be arriving by chopper at that time, but his identity is klassified...and no amount of Sutherland velvet will open that vault because not even he has been told the mystery prisoner's identity.
Special Guest Agent La Bamba does tell Kiefer that the mystery prisoner is moved every few weeks on a random schedule and wants to know why the Drazens would be interested in the 7:20 arrival. Kiefer kan't say until he knows who the prisoner is. "They might want to kill him," says Kiefer, washing his hands. "They might want to set him free." Kiefer warns SGALB that they only have five minutes until 7:20 and urges him to call for backup. SGALB is unsure whether or not to take Kiefer seriously. Kiefer rolls out a velvety assurance that if Kiefer is wrong, Kiefer will take the heat. And as we all know, Kiefer is a man of his word. SGALB makes a call on his cell phone asking some high-ranking person to get back to him. Apparently there aren't many weapon-trained people on staff. Kiefer suggests that they get the civilian technicians and custodians stationed there to act like military personnel and give the Drazens the impression that the prison is more secure than it actually is. SGALB gets on that. Lou Diamond Phillips's character's real name is Mark DeSalvo, by the way. Not that I'll be calling him that or anything.
Meanwhile the screen splits to reveal two guys with guns, dressed in leafy suits, bumbling through the woods outside like they're in an episode of Hogan's Heroes. They enter a makeshift structure that looks like Mary Ann and Ginger's cabin on Gilligan's Island. Seriously, this new European terror squad blows in every way now that the two cute members of this family have been killed or taken prisoner and there's no cool furniture. Not even the tech-y looking laptops that they pull out can make them look like hot scary movie terrorists. One of the leafy-suited guys who seems to be some sort of General or Lieutenant asks ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss if they have verification from LittleTerrorBrother about whether or not the power is really going off at 7:20. FATB is still acting totally clueless about his brother, saying he'd "call" if anything went wrong. Uh, if something goes wrong, how is he supposed to call? Don't highly trained spies usually have careful rules about how to proceed if an agent is missing? I mean I'd imagine that if a field agent doesn't check in, it would be prudent to assume the worst and investigate. Leafy Suited General expresses his misgivings about the latest plan, especially since Kiefer seems ready for them. FATB ignores the whiny Leafy Suited General and gives the go-ahead to his men to proceed. All of these EuroLeafyTerrorMinions run several yards across the field and take cover in the grass with their automatic weapons drawn. I just keep waiting for them to sing "Oh-ee-oh" like the Winged Monkeys in The Wizard of Oz.
Back inside the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, everyone is changing into battle gear. Kiefer shows one of the non-military men how to strap on and hold an automatic weapon, and then makes eye contact with him for an extra-sexy long time. Special Guest Agent La Bamba looks like Speed Racer with his big brown eyes and his helmet. He leads everyone outside to greet the chopper. The EuroLeafyTerrorMinions watch as the heliport lights go on and an unusually high amount of "military personnel" come out ready for action. Kiefer kommands everyone to get in front of the lights so they can all be seen klearly. Leafy Suited General whines about the unpredicted backup. "They're expecting us," he says. FATB tells him that they will have the advantage just as soon as the lights go out. The chopper lands. Troop La Bamba runs over to escort the passengers into the base. FATB counts down until darkness but it never happens. The lights stay on. As Muntz would say on The Simpsons, "Ha-Ha!" FATB still wants to attack. Leafy Suited General makes the call to stand down since technically they're "his" LeafyTerrorMinions.
Dennis Hopper is escorted off the plane but we don't know he's Dennis Hopper yet because he's covered from head to toe in some hooded Goretex puffy body suit. But we know it's Dennis Hopper because who the fuck else would it be? We've all seen the previews. LeafySuitedGeneral gives the order to stand down over a TerrorWalkieTalkie. The chopper takes off again. Dennis Hopper...I mean the mystery prisoner whose identity is totally unknown to us...is escorted down into the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. FATB kicks the ground as if to say, "Curses, foiled again" in Serbian. The time is 7:26:16 PM.
The time is 7:27:12 PM. Klockwise from the top left, KopKennyG waits to kwestion Spawn, Soul Patch keeps driving Bride of Kiefer, and things remain kwiet around the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. Spawn is escorted into KopKennyG's shabby kwestioning room -- no DWR furniture or anything. KopKennyG tells her to sit down, but Spawn feels compelled instead to tell him that her father is Kiefer. KopKennyG has never heard of Kiefer or of CTU. Spawn writes down the CTU phone number on his note pad. Unfortunately for Spawn, KopKennyG doesn't kare. He just wants information on Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother's intent to distribute ecstasy. She doesn't know anything about Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother's drug dealership. But she does know all about the Palmer assassination -- like the fact that there was an attempt that morning. KopKennyG points out that the Palmer assassination attempt was all over the news all day so Spawn knowing about its existence isn't exactly privileged information. Spawn tells him all about being kidnapped by the same people who want Palmer dead and how her mom is missing, etc. etc. KopKennyG isn't buying it and refers to fabled Hearst Gossip Columnist Skankella Parsons's remark earlier about how "the bitch lies." Spawn protests that Skank is a lying bitch herself and is just jealous of her and Rick. KopKennyG decides to throw her into the klink for a few hours until she stops talking that krazy talk. Spawn insists that KopKennyG should call CTU. He leads her out of the interrogation room.
The screen splits back to the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave where Kiefer is trying to konvince Special Guest Agent La Bamba that they kould still be attacked. SGALB is starting to doubt the Kiefer. He thinks that Kiefer didn't know what he was talking about since the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave wasn't attacked when Kiefer predicted it would be. Kiefer tries to point out that the attack was kalled off when the electricity failed to go out, but they are now working on a kontingency plan. SGALB says there's nothing he can do until backup shows up. Kiefer asks if he can interrogate the mystery prisoner. SGALB is all, no way. Not even SGALB is allowed to speak to Dennis Hopper...I mean the mystery prisoner. He tells Kiefer that he'll have to go "over [his] head" to get permission. Kiefer asks if he can borrow his cell phone.
The time is 7:34:09 PM. Palmer is telling some press agent that he needs to have final approval on all press interviews with Li'l Lisa...because Palmer's the man who rilly rilly cares about his family. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn enters and turns on the television. "Is it as bad as Lady Mac predicted?" asks Palmer. On the contrary. It's a miracle. The voting public -- in some Whatever Instant Poll -- has indicated that Palmer's honesty has made him even more popular than ever before. That blonde assistant with ironed hair from last week appears at the door again -- oh my God, I can't believe that I missed this last week but this girl is actually CaucasianPatty but without the beehive -- and tells him that Kiefer's on line one. Palmer komes to the phone and asks after LittleTerrorBrother. Kiefer tells Palmer that LittleTerrorBrother is koming out of surgery presently, and then he fills in Palmer on the existence of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave and asks him to pull some strings so he can interrogate the mystery prisoner. Palmer insists that he'll do whatever he kan to see that he gets access.
Now alone in the halls of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, Kiefer notices media kables koming through the cells and running along the ceiling. Kiefer assumes they are konnected to kameras in the prisoners' rooms so he follows the wires back to an empty room which kontains a konsole. He approaches the kontrol board and pushes some buttons until he can see the new mystery prisoner's cell. But he can only see the back of his head. Just when it looks like he's going to turn around and face the camera, Special Guest Agent La Bamba bursts in and tries to stop Kiefer from violating Dennis Hopper's...I mean the mystery prisoner's...classified status. Kiefer gets his way with a little velvet and looks back in time to see Dennis Hopper -- oh God, I'm so shocked! -- put his face to the kamera. "That's impossible," says Kiefer. "You know that guy?" asks Special Guest Agent La Bamba. "That's the man I killed two years ago," intones Kiefer. The time is 7:38:06 PM.
The time is 7:43:05 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Dennis Hopper sits at a bare table, Palmer makes some influential phone calls, and Kiefer argues some more with Special Guest Agent La Bamba. SGALB needs some "quid pro quo." Who is this guy and why does Kiefer need to interrogate him? Kiefer tells SGALB that the prisoner is Victor Drazen, a man he thought he killed himself during Operation Nightfall and is now secretly in federal custody. He begs SGALB to have Dennis Hopper moved so the Drazen brothers kan't liberate him. SGALB says not until he "makes a call."
Back at the LeafyTerrorKamp, ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss has figured out -- and accepted -- that something bad has probably happened to LittleTerrorBrother. "He would have called by now...if he were alive," says FATB to LeafySuitedGeneral as he tries to figure out how they can cut the power themselves. Using WhateverTerrorSoftware is on his WhateverTerrorLaptop, he determines the location of the electrical substation and orders a unit of LeafyTerrorMinions to go blow it up. LeafySuitedGeneral is opposed to such a plan. "The idea is not to attract attention," insists LeafySuitedGeneral. "The idea is to liberate my father," answers FATB.
Back at CTU, Xander enters a room we've never seen before, where Nina is going over some Whatever Computer Simulation Graphics with an underling/extra. Nina looks up from her work, surprised to see Xander back. "Where's Kiefer?" demands Nina. Xander tells Nina about Kiefer staying behind in the field while he went over to the hospital to interrogate LittleTerrorBrother. "He wasn't talking yet but I cut off his morphine supply," says Xander impishly. "He'll be pretty chatty in an hour." Nina asks him if he told Kiefer about his family yet. Xander says no and, when she gives him gruff about it, reminds her that she's his subordinate.
The time is 7:46:16 PM. It's party time back at the Palmer suite. The volunteers, aides, and advisors are in a sparkly mood thanks to champagne as they watch the Whatever Polls on TV that bode well for Palmer. Strangely cheery is Lady Mac herself. She beams as she pushes her way through the crowd, gives a thumbs-up signal to PoorMan'sHumeCronyn, and grabs some Champagne for Two. She enters Palmer's office, where he's alone doing work. "Come on out, sweetheart," she says all Stepford Wife-like. Palmer just stares at her silently. She closes the door behind her and asks him what's wrong. Palmer wants to discuss their krappy marriage and how he can't trust her. "And if I can't trust you," he says, "then how can I love you?" "Well David," says Lady Mac with the presence and poise of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, "you may not love me...but you will never leave me." She vows to be beside him when he's sworn in as president and exits. Go on, Girl! The time is 7:49:43 PM.
The time is 7:54:07 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn is led back to her cell by KopKennyG, the LeafyTerrorCrew continues to plot ahead with their dastardly plan, and Nina does some work at her desk. The inmates down at the precinct get a load of the new girl on cell block 24 as Spawn is led in handcuffs to her cell. They've never seen such a high-priced piece of Grade A chicken in their entire time served. Blonde, busty, and too stupid to live -- this one's gonna cause a lot of fighting down in the yard. Spawn joins her new cellmates. Okay, remember that Pat Benetar video, Love is a Battlefield, where Pat runs away from home and finds a second family of social misfits in a whorehouse where she works? Together, with their spunky Mad Max-esque hairstyles, their ghetto-sassy attitudes, their newfound sisterhood and, of course, a shimmering display of jazz hands, they face down their abusive dancing pimp and moonwalk their way to a better life. Well, it's as if the police rounded up these friends of Pat Benetar, put them in a prison cell, and left them there for months where they became hardened postmodern jailbirds. A Hispanic chick chews her gum really hard at Spawn. Another Asian girl with a mohawk walks by and shows off her radical hairstyle. Some of them play with their hair obsessively or rock back and forth like Clea DuVall in Girl Interrupted. It's going to be a long night. Even KopKennyG is a little koncerned. Spawn walks meekly over to an empty spot on a concrete bench and sits down. But Spawn is young. Heartache to heartache she stands. No promises no demands. Whoa-ah- oa-ah-oa-ah- oa-ah-oa!
Back at the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, Special Guest Agent La Bamba wants to know why Drazen would have been targeted by the government yet been held onto secretly as well. Kiefer supposes that Drazen's been feeding intelligence to the US Government and that Operation Nightfall was a charade to make the world think he was dead. "That mission was set up to fail from the start," muses Kiefer. "I lost every man I went in there with." Special Guest Agent La Bamba's cell phone rings. The Department of Defense just gave their okay to have Kiefer interrogate the mystery prisoner. "Five minutes," says SGALB.
Kiefer walks over to the super-gritty cell door that was painted a mixture of slate and salmon using a Martha Stewart-recommended dry brush technique and opens it. Here's Dennis! And what a nice prison uniform he's got on. It looks like an ecru rayon shirt from Barneys. Seriously, together with that studied bowl haircut, he looks like an accessories editor for German Vogue. The inside of Dennis Hopper's cell is also done in dry brush, but it's a mixture of slate and pewter. Kiefer introduces himself and expresses his surprise over Drazen's being alive: "Nobody could have survived that explosion." He explains that his intelligence gave him bad information and they hadn't meant to kill Drazen's wife and daughter. He asks Drazen to call off the hit on his family through the Whatever Technology he's been using to communicate with his sons. "Your fight is with me," says Kiefer, his voice a velvety buzz saw. "Leave my family out of it." Dennis klaims that he has no way of kontacting his sons. Kiefer tries to persuade Dennis that his sons will die if they try to attack again due to the fact that there's backup coming. "Zen you hef nothing to vorry about," says Dennis. "Kall it off!" says Kiefer going krazy and climbing onto the interrogation table.
Special Guest Agent La Bamba enters just before things get out of hand. He's received permission to move TerrorDaddy. Kiefer and Dennis lock eyes for a long time. TerrorDaddy doesn't flinch for even a second. Kiefer gets up and puts his face super close to SGALB and asks him if there's a way to get him out through a secret entrance. SGALB has one in mind. I'm sure SGALB has lots of "secret entrances" for Kiefer if you know what I mean. They start to evacuate Dennis.
Back at CTU, Dr. Phil is wheeled away on a gurney. Soul Patch escorts Bride upstairs. On a split screen, Palmer is basking in the applause of his super-excited staff and he starts to feel the spirit of their victory. In spite of himself, he shares an ambiguously happy glance with Lady Mac. On another split screen, Spawn is strong. No one can tell her that she's wrong. Searching her heart for some love. Special Guest Agent La Bamba leads a convoy of Dennis, Kiefer, and some other extras down the hallway. The power goes out. The Lou Diamond Cave is dark except for the light of their flashlights. Kiefer shoves Dennis up against the wall. "Zey are here," says Dennis. The time is 7:59:58... 7:59:59... 8:00:00 PM.