Blip blip blip. 24. Hi, Gustave? I'm down here! No, here…on your lap…in the pages of Vanity Fair. My name is Kiefer, and this is the longest day of my life. Boy, it's brisk here in this new Gap ad. I'd better keep my Gap jean jacket from blowing open at the neck by pressing it up under my throat with the palm of one of my small delicate hands while I stare at you and wonder why you write these things about me every week and what they mean. I lie awake at night wondering if you really love me or if you just want me to smack you around for a few hours in the Chateau Marmont so you can laugh about it later with your jaded friends. Why do you keep staring at me? What are you thinking? You scare me, Gustave. Or rather, you make me fear myself. My father Donald let me have the Trancas, California beach house this month. Please spend the weekend with me. We could take long private walks along the beach and I could show you where Julia Phillips, Steven Spielberg, Jane Fonda, Blythe Danner, and Sue Mengers had all those swinging pot parties in the early seventies. Later, we could listen to Joni Mitchell's Blue album on a portable stereo on the beach while we steam mussels on an open fire, drink Chardonnay, and watch the sunset. When the stars come out, we'll throw our empty bottles into the surf and pour our sunburned bodies into a king-sized bed dressed with crisp lilac-scented sheets and let the perpetual sound of the surf lull us to sleep. We could be like this forever.
First, I'd like to give a big shout-out to Sars because she taped this episode for me when my cable went out. This also reminds me of the fact that I totally forgot to give proper love to Dr. Funk and Cosmorific a few weeks ago for saving my ass in a similar fashion.
Hotel room. Faux-licity and TakeOnKief are making sweet tender love. They're crossing one of the bridges of Madison County. They're tasting each other's General Foods International Coffee. They're having an Aviance night. They're learning Victoria's secret. And the sex is so sweet and nasty that she's unleashed the curls from her bun. It's magical. It's sensual. It's empowering. This is not your average drunken sex with some guy you meet at TGI Friday's in Memphis, Tennessee. This the kind of sex that a fourteen-year-old girl thinks she's going to have when she grows up, gets a job as a stewardess, and moves to an apartment of her very own. This is "unicorn" sex. She's never known passion like this before. He's so into her. Or…is he?
Meanwhile, at the CTU Koffee room, Palmer is pulling a "do you know who I am?" on Soul Patch, who is not letting him speak to Kiefer. Apparently Chappelle isn't letting Kiefer come out to play until they've decided what his punishment will be. "I want to speak to Kiefer and I need to do it now!" He's so angry that he even turns down Soul Patch's offer of koffee. Soul Patch goes back to his desk and calls Chappelle, who is in the Kiefer Kube for some reason, and tells him that Palmer is insisting on having a private konversation with Kiefer but refusing to say why. Chappelle doesn't want to let them meet until he knows why Palmer is there. Why ask why, Chappelle? It's Kiefer. Everyone wants to see him. Apparently Soul Patch is everyone's secretary this week. Milo enters with a new Brian Austin Green 'do and asks Soul Patch what Palmer is doing there. Soul Patch doesn't know, but asks Milo if he's found anything else out about the second shooters. Milo has traced Alexis Drazen's (TakeOnKief) itinerary, and has learned that he stopped off in Washington D.C. for a couple of days before landing in LAX -- but he has no idea why. Soul Patch asks where the report is. Milo says that he "routed it to Nina's computer." Soul Patch wants a copy. Is anyone else getting second-mole vibes besides me?
As the Safe House Express SUV zooms along, Bride asks Nina why they're going to a safe house. "Weren't we supposed to answer some questions at Kiefer's office?" Nina tells Bride that she'll be kwestioning the Kieferettes at the Safe House, and that they're only taking prekautions by enklosing them in a "kontrolled environment" for the kurrent time. While Nina talks to someone on her cell phone, Spawn asks Bride what "the doctor said." Bride tells Spawn about the benign cyst that burst. Spawn is still koncerned. Bride tells her not to worry. "The doctor said it would go away all by itself." Unlike you, Spawn. Oh wait. Spawn did go away by herself. That's why they're all in this mess in the first place.
Back in the KieferKage, where Kiefer is being "debriefed" -- and that word never gets old, does it? -- Alberta V05 tape-records Kiefer while he tells her about Gaines and the transmitter he put in his ear. He asks if he can take a break and if there's any word on how the Kieferettes are doing at the clinic. Alberta tells Kiefer about their transfer to the safe house. "You knew they were moving my wife and daughter and you didn't even tell me?" Enraged, he gets up and turns off the tape recorder. No more Sutherland velvet for Alberta Vo5's Dictaphone. He demands to see Chappelle.
Back at the hotel, a post-coital, blessed-out Faux-licity and TakeOnKief lie in bed. Their matching honey-blond curls merge on the pillow like a single slumbering woodland creature. "I was surprised you called," says Faux-licity. "I didn't think I'd see you again after D.C." She cracks a joke about how unusually easy she's being. TakeOnKief wants more unicorn sex so bad that he has to know her exact schedule for the , oh say, nine episodes…I mean, "hours." Hey, whaddya know? Faux-licity is one of the few campaign workers who was told about the relocation to Nevada. She's not supposed to tell anyone where she's going for security reasons, but hey, TakeOnKief just might want to come for a visit. See where this is going? Faux-licity hops into the shower, covering her bare breasts artfully with her arm. She makes a hint about the shower being big enough for two. TakeOnKief promises to join her in the shower as soon as he finds her travel agenda in her bag.
In the CTU Konfrontational Koffee Room, Palmer calls some off-screen powerful person and has him pull some strings to force Chappelle to let him see Kiefer. Chappelle enters the koffee room and introduces himself. He explains that Palmer is unable to speak to Kiefer because Kiefer is the subject of an internal investigation. Soul Patch enters. There's a phone call for Chappelle; it's the off-screen power dude from the Department of Defense, kommanding Chappelle to give Palmer access to Kiefer. Palmer gloats. Chappelle grimaces and bitterly thanks Palmer for "helping [him] kut through the red tape." Palmer also wants all the cameras and recording equipment taken down. "This is going to be a private konversation," says Palmer. Bamp bamp chicka pow pow! Chappelle barely kontains his frustration at being kept out of the KieferKonversation, but assures Palmer that everything will be kool.
Soul Patch stops by the KieferKage. He lets Kiefer know for his own komfort that the Kieferettes are kontained safely in the safe house. Oh, and Chappelle wants to see him. They walk out onto the floor. Kiefer passes Milo and apologizes for switching the keycards. Milo insists that they all understand what he was going through. The office extras stare kuriously. The Secret Service let him enter the Konfrontational Koffee room, where he komes face-to-face with Palmer. The Secret Service men leave. The two men are finally alone. Palmer tells him to sit. "I want to know who's working with you," says Palmer to the man he thinks just tried to kill him. In other words, "[slam] Who are you working for?" But he's a politician, so it's got to sound more klassy. Kiefer asks him to explain himself. Palmer accuses Kiefer of wanting him dead, to repay him for the men that Kiefer lost in a certain special mission in Kosovo two years ago called Operation Nightfall. Apparently, Palmer authorized Operation Nightfall. Kiefer didn't know that before. "I know you took out Victor Drazen and his inner circle," says Palmer. "And I know you lost six men in the process." Kiefer kounters that he doesn't blame Palmer for the death of his men; he blames his velvety-voiced self. And he's been trying to prevent Palmer's assassination all day. He explains why he took the Secret Service man's gun and how Gaines's men were holding his family hostage. "They didn't tell you any of this, did they?" asks Kiefer tenderly. "No," says Palmer. Kiefer tells Palmer to verify everything with Chappelle. The time is 2:11:38 PM.
The time is 2:16:03 PM. Klockwise from the top left, the Kieferettes draw nearer to the safe house, and Kiefer reacts silently to Palmer. The SafeHouseExpress arrives at its destination, which is a bungalow on a deserted and vaguely seedy-looking suburban street. Two CTU heavies escort Nina and the Kieferettes into the house. Nina tells one of them to guard the outside while one of them guards the inside. Inside, the house is decorated like it's the set of a floor wax commercial. Bride wants to go to the bathroom so she can drink some water from the sink, freshen up, and insert one of those home pregnancy test wands that SensitiveEthnicHealthPractitioner gave her into a stream of her urine.
Palmer paces the Konfrontational Koffee Room and explains to Kiefer how, as a senator, he headed up a "Special Defense Appropriations Committee" and how that was, in fact, a "euphemism for covert operations." He was advised by the CIA about Victor Drazen, a man who was gaining power and committing all sorts of krimes against humanity in Kosovo. He had to act quickly, but there was no time to go through the "usual channels," so he asked a man named Robert Ellis for help. Robert Ellis made sure that the identities of everyone associated with the mission were kept konfidential, but somehow the Drazen family found out about Kiefer and Palmer. "If someone put your name and my name on a list together," says Kiefer. "That means they should find Robert Ellis too," Palmer agrees.
We take you now to New Orleans, where a hard-boiled white guy with a lot of Vaseline…I mean, sweat…on his face is hanging out in a "colorful" dive bar and playing what seems to be a game of Yahtzee with a dreadlocked buddy. Or maybe it's not Yahtzee, because there seems to be some bluffing involved. "I could see it in your eyes!" gloats DreadlockedBuddy as he wins the game by calling HardBoiledWhiteGuy on a low hand. "If you could read what's in my eyes," says HardBoiledWhiteGuy, his gold caps gleaming in the lamp lights, "you'd crawl under a rock and die!" DreadlockedBuddy's smile fades. They start playing again, but a cell phone call for HBWG interrupts them. It's Palmer, and yes, HBWG is Robert Ellis. HBWG is shocked by this voice from the past, and even more shocked to learn that Kiefer is there with Palmer. "I went to trouble to make sure that the two of you never met," says HBWG. Palmer explains how Drazen is after them, since today is the two-year anniversary of "Nightfall." HBWG whips out a laptop and retrieves the top secret "Nightfall" files. Whatever. He tells Palmer and Kiefer to put a trace on the money. Didn't Nina and Soul Patch already do that? Never mind.
Back at the safe house, the results are in. The wand is blue. Bride is pregnant. She sits in the remarkably large bathroom and tries to deal with the news alone. Nina knocks on the door to tell her that she put some "clean clothes" on the bed.
Lady Mac is back. She enters the Palmer suite. Faux-licity has been summoned already, and is waiting for her in the clothes that were once lying in a pile in TakeOnKief's room. She asks Lady Mac why she hasn't left for Nevada yet. Lady Mac explains there's been a change of plans, and disappears into her bedroom. Faux-licity saunters over to a private corner and calls TakeOnKief on her cell phone. He answers at an outdoor café. She tells him that they're not going to Nevada. He asks her if she's staying at the same hotel. She says they might switch them at the last minute, but either way she'll let him know where she is. "I can still smell your perfume on my skin," says TakeOnKief. She promises to call him.
"Is that the girl?" says TakeOnKief's table companion, who turns out to be none other than ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss. TOK confirms this, and relays the news that the Palmers haven't left California. FATB welcomes this news, since it makes it easier for them to get to Palmer, and confirms that TOK has "taken care of Gaines's people." TOK scolds FATB for using the stupid American terrorists in the first place. A beautiful laughing woman at a nearby table distracts them. "She looks like Martina," says FATB. "Our sister's dead," says TOK. "Leave it alone." They resume their discussion. TOK assures FATB that two more men are approaching their "targets" and that Palmer will be dead by the season finale…I mean, "midnight."
Aw! How nice of Nina to pick out such an alluring outfit for Spawn: a powder-blue wraparound sweater that displays her nubile young breasts to perfection. Speaking of failed birth control, Spawn enters the bathroom and asks a freshly showered Bride where she can lay her hands on some toothpaste. Bride shows her where the toothpaste is…right to the home pregnancy test. Spawn is thrilled about her mom's pregnancy. "Why, I am just so grateful for the love I have received from this family, I can't wait to share it with a sibling!" Oh wait, I'm joking. Spawn freaks out that she wasn't told about this before. Bride acts like Spawn actually has a legitimate beef, and tries to "explain." Spawn storms out of the room. Bride tells her to stop being so selfish. Uh, Bride? You know that whole "I had sex with Eli to save your cherry" guilt trip that you've been restraining yourself from using? It's time to whip it out -- just saying. Spawn apologizes. Bride slams the bathroom door on her. Good! The time is 2:26:35 PM.
The time is 2:31:04 PM. Klockwise from the top left, the Drazen brothers signal for their Czech (geddit?), Nina sets up a video camera, and Kiefer and Palmer keep debriefing each other. Milo enters the Konfrontational Koffee room just as Kiefer and Palmer are going over the "Nightfall" team roster with HBWG. HBWG introduces himself to Milo over speakerphone and asks him for his password -- which, by the way, starts with "LFN" and thus is a shout-out to La Femme Nikita. HBWG logs onto the WhateverNetwork using Milo's password, and pulls up some "partial results." Kiefer and Palmer want to know what's missing. HBWG promises to "look into it" just as an ominous-looking guy walks into the bar. He reaches for his gun and tells Milo to print out this "file" for Kiefer and Palmer. Um, if it's just a text file that needs to be retrieved, why do you need his password? Why can't you just email it to him? Never mind; he'll be dead soon enough.
Back at the Safe House, Spawn and Bride sit at the spotless kitchen kounter and eat something from bowls. Mocha almond ice cream? Gruel? Crisco shortening? They savor their first meal of the "day" and rejoice in their newfound freedom from fear. Spawn even apologizes for being "stupid." This harmonious meal inspires Bride to kall Kiefer and tell him about the KieferKub growing inside of her. And for some reason, she wants to do it right now in front of Spawn…and Spawn is totally kool with this. Remember that creepy scene in Pay It Forward where Haley Joel Osment helps Helen Hunt get ready for her date with Kevin Spacey by helping her apply underarm deodorant? Oh wait, of course you didn't. No one saw Pay It Forward. Anyway, this reminds me of that scene for some reason. Bride kalls Kiefer, but Soul Patch answers and tells her that Kiefer kan't kome to the phone. She tells Soul Patch to tell Kiefer to kall her back about something important. "I wanted to hear his reaction," says Spawn. "I'm so lucky to have you," says Bride, hugging her. Jeez, I had heard that those pregnancy hormones can make you kind of weepy and sentimental, but I had no idea they made you downright delusional.
Nina interrupts the hug and calls Teri into another room for a "debriefing." Yes, that's right. Bride, Nina, and Spawn are all alone in some strange house with a video camera…but they're only using it to fight crime. Spawn craftily grabs Nina's cell phone and announces that she's "going to [her] room." Uh, we've heard that before. She finds Rick's number in the pocket of the jeans she was wearing last "night" and calls him. Rick is in this seedy house in a seedy neighborhood -- you can tell it's seedy because there's a dog barking up a storm in the background. He's shirtless. I guess that's why he didn't die; we hadn't seen his torso yet. He's finally getting around to doing something about his wounds in the utility sink in his garage when the cordless phone, which he happens to have lying around to him, rings. He's not all that happy to be hearing from Spawn, and mentions nonchalantly that he's lost a lot of blood. Uh, Rick? Back when you were kidnapping her? Did it ever occur to you not to give her your real home phone number? I mean, who kidnaps someone and gives the victim their phone number? Spawn tells Rick that he should turn himself in so that he can see a doctor. Rick's not too keen on the idea. Spawn argues that he won't get into any trouble because he helped spring the Kieferettes. "I'll tell them that!" she explains. "Don't tell them anything about me!" shouts Rick into the phone. Spawn tells Rick that she's about to be "debriefed" and she "can't lie." Rick convinces her to at least portray his role in the kidnapping as involuntary. "They could put me in jail for the rest of my life," he says, and hangs up on her without saying goodbye.
The time is 2:36:21 PM. Okay, this scene is about family and how important families are to everyone, be they black and running for president, a philandering CIA agent with rage syndrome, or Serbian terrorists with an axe to grind. It finally hits Palmer that he's not being targeted because he's black. "They just want revenge for taking out Drazen," he says, laughing bitterly. This makes Palmer meditate on his shortcomings as a father. "I just realized today that I haven't always been there for Theo, and what's killing me is that he's always been there for me." Uh, are we talking about Theo or do you have another son? Kiefer says he kan sympathize, because he's been a shitty father and husband. Palmer asks if the Kieferettes are okay. "I hope so," says Kiefer. The time is 2:38:50 PM.
The time is 2:43:13 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Palmer and Kiefer are hard at work, Palmer and Kiefer are hard at work but from another angle, and Nina turns on the video camera. Milo enters the Konfrontational Koffee room with the files that HBWG sent over. He kopied, kollated, and kross-referenced them and included a summary about "Operation Nightfall" at the end. Great idea, Kiefer, letting a temp Xerox top-secret information. Milo leaves, and they dig through the papers. Palmer discovers something shocking. Drazen's wife and daughter were in the TerrorBunker when it exploded. Clearly the kidnapping of the Kieferettes was quid pro quo for the deaths of Drazen's family members. They send for Chappelle, because he is in charge of security for the Kieferettes.
I love how, in movies like sex, lies and videotape, whenever a video camera is turned on, people get really honest and let it all hang out, whereas in real life, people get in front of a camera and start blithering like idiots about trivial bullshit. Nina is asking about Rick's role in the kidnapping. Bride tells Nina that he helped them escape and that Spawn met him through PMMS. At the mention of PMMS's name, Nina writes something down in her notebook like "dead slutty friend." Bride starts talking about raising a teenager and the worries associated with it. Nina tells her that Kiefer always said that Spawn was a "level-headed kid." How often was Kiefer home, and how high was he when he got there? Bride is surprised to learn how much Kiefer talked about his family with Nina, and asks her point-blank if she's the one he went with during their separation. Nina turns off the camera and admits that she was with Kiefer, but that it didn't last long and he subsequently went back to Bride. "What about you?" asks Bride. "Did you think it was a mistake?" Nina doesn't answer. Bride needs to take a break. The time is 2:49:06 PM.
The time is 2:53:35 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Bride is pissed, Nina feels guilty, and Palmer gets impatient. In the Konfrontational Koffee room, Palmer gets up to leave. He can't wait for HBWG to call back. Kiefer explains to Palmer that he's under house arrest and that if Palmer leaves, he won't be able to kontinue working. Palmer leaves the koffee room with Kiefer in tow and approaches Alberta and Chappelle, who are walking across the floor. He tells them to reinstate Kiefer. Alberta protests. They all agree that Kiefer kan kontinue to work the case, but he will answer to Chappelle. Jeez, that was way less satisfying than I was hoping it would be. I wanted to see Chappelle cry like a girl and Alberta throw a temper tantrum that made her wig fall off. Maybe week. Kiefer shows Palmer to the door and advises him to leave California. Palmer doesn't want to. "Let's flush them out into the open and deal with them," says Palmer. Uh, whatever keeps the plot going. Palmer apologizes to Kiefer for misjudging him; they shake hands, and he exits. Let's not have them share a scene again, okay? I don't like watching Kiefer kiss ass.
Back at the Safe House, Spawn lies about Rick for the camera and alleges that EFB#2 was the real kidnapper. Nina isn't buying it, but before she can call Spawn on her shit, her cell phone rings. It's Kiefer. He tells her the good news about being reinstated. Oh, and they're sending more guards over to the Safe House because the Kieferettes are TerrorTargets. "But this is not information they need to know," says Kiefer. Nina promises not to let on. He asks to speak to Bride. Nina puts her on. Kiefer asks Bride what the important phone call was about. Bride says it turned out to be nothing. He tells her to get some rest, and they hang up. Spawn wants to know what Kiefer's reaction was to the baby. Bride tells her it wasn't the "right time" to tell him.
Kiefer's back in the Kiefer Kube. His phone rings. It's HBWG, calling from the men's room urinal to tell him that he can't locate a missing file. Kiefer wants to know how they can track it down. HBWG is about to answer when someone sneaks up behind him and strangles him. "Bob? Can you hear me?" says Kiefer into the phone, but it's to no avail. The screen splits into three. Palmer is in his limo sipping scotch, Kiefer is still trying to get an answer out of StrangledHBWG, and the TerrorBrothers hug and leave the café. Finally, Bride curls into a fetal position at the foot of a Safe House bed. The time is 2:59:58…2:59:59…3:00:00 PM.