Hey, I'm Kiefer. I'm just resting my cheek on this support beam in the middle of my busy office, and I'm telling you through a voice-over about this awful day I'm having and you know, up until now it's been rough for the real Kiefer too. I was once this young talent on the verge of superstardom, but thanks to a string of bad projects and a very public wedding cancellation by a certain Academy Award winner whose name I won't mention right now, I was just a few acting lessons away from being another Corey. But then my father sat me down one day and told me that I had to stop hanging around my Silverlake house all day smoking pot, eating Lu biscuits, and playing Tetris. So I was all, "But you were the one who told me never to do television!" And he was all, "It's a job!" and gives me this whole song and dance about what an artistic achievement The Sopranos is. So before I knew it, I'm working my butt off on a Fox show -- talk about bait and switch! Hello? HBO, my ass! -- and the ratings are lower than the rent on a burning building. So I'm just about to put a gun in my mouth when they give me a Golden Globe nom and my show starts getting all this buzz. Dude, I'm back! I'm the new Rob Lowe! Oh sure, I was all genuinely humble when I got up and accepted my award and shit, but just give me a few months and I'll be awash in strippers and pharmaceutical-grade cocaine. And by the way? Have you seen Ocean's 11? She looks like krap! Oh wait, I wasn't going to say anything about that…
The previouslys. Palmer needs to tell the world the truth about his son, and wants his wife to stand by his side while he does it. Soul Patch and Nina figure out that Jalapeno is the mole, so they cuff her to a desk and wheedle information out of her. Kiefer sneaks weapons into the Palmer breakfast, but the assassination attempt is foiled. Gaines almost executes the Kiefettes, but realizes he needs them alive. The following takes place between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM…
The power plant in the aftermath of The Food-Free Palmer Breakfast. It's just a Vermeer cityscape of Delft with this big bright overcast sky but all industrialized with all these big pipes. Palmer and his wife are surrounded by dozens of Secret Service men in navy suits inside a freight elevator. Head Secret Service Guy is telling Palmer that he needs to stay close to his Secret Service Detail until they "clear the area." For once, Palmer seems to be cooperating. They are led down a back staircase, still thickly surrounded by sweaty, nervous G-men.
Back at the TerrorKompound, FuManchuTerrorMinion and Eli, the original Gun-Wielding Minion, lead Bride and Spawn back to the hay-filled Stable Of Sensuality since Gaines suspended their executions just moments before. The Kieferettes are still crying hysterically, and they collapse into each other's arms atop a bale of Playboy Mansion hay. Thanks to all that roughing-up they just received from their captors, Bride and Spawn are both sweaty, panting, and showing lots of skin. Eli stares at the ladies menacingly. He stares at the ladies menacingly some more. Oh, this doesn't look good. At all.
Power Plant. A limo comes to pick up Palmer. The Secret Service escorts him and Lady MacPalmer inside. The limo takes off. Meanwhile, back inside, Kiefer is brought into a cream-colored room by Intense Black Secret Service Guy, cuffed to a support beam, and brought before another Secret Service bigwig. Kiefer tries to get around procedure by explaining that he was acting under other orders. "I had to create a scene to get Palmer out of the room," says Kiefer. Secret Service Bigwig, a Poor Man's Scott Glenn, asks him why he didn't alert the Secret Service instead. "I'm working under a restrictive mandate," says Kiefer. PMSG tells him to "kut the krap," and informs him that Soul Patch tipped them off. Kiefer tells them that "time is running out," as the real Palmer assassin -- a photographer -- is out there, and Palmer's life is still in danger. Intense Black Secret Service guy and PMSG want so badly to believe the Kiefer -- that velvety bedroom whisper roughened by genuine urgency wears at their resistance -- but they have procedure to follow. PMSG calls Palmer's security people and asks for a list of photographers cleared by security that day. Kiefer sits down, frustrated and impatient.
And speaking of people cuffed inside temporary office spaces, Jalapeno Spice is still kuffed to a big desk in the archives room at CTU while Newly Appointed Employee Of The Hour Soul Patch and Nina try to get her to give them more information about the guy she's working for. "They call him Gaines," says Jalapeno, looking terribly sad and defeated. At the sound of Gaines's name, Nina gives an ambiguous look that could be recognition or complete confusion. Jalapeno, instead of giving Gaines's location to Nina and Soul Patch, tries once more to explain her side of the story, claiming that she needed the money and that she didn't think anyone would get hurt. Nina asks her if she's responsible for giving Gaines access to their security cameras, and Jalapeno nods, ashamed. Jalapeno tries to redeem herself a bit by kutting Gaines's video feed so that Nina can go back to work out on the floor. "I know what to say to him," says Jalapeno when Soul Patch asks if Gaines will get suspicious when the video goes down.
Back at the TerrorKompound, the KieferKonsole is down and the screens are black. Gaines is having a phlegm-tastic temper tantrum over it. Does he have a regular IT guy on call? Of course not. Who is naïve enough to think they're going to tap into the security systems of a hospital, a CIA branch, and a power plant via satellite and never have any tech problems? Feh! His phone rings. It's KuffedJalapeno on the right side of the screen, calling to tell him that Milo almost discovered Gaines's entry point to the CTU surveillance system, and that she had to cut Gaines off to prevent Milo from figuring everything out. Gaines is unmoved by Jalapeno's kwick thinking, and keeps krying out for Kiefer's inkarceration lokation. "I need him now and if that's not going to happen, I will move on," says a lovelorn Gaines. Jalapeno tries to kalm him down while Nina changes her shirt and Soul Patch watches. I'd snark on her a bit more for doing this, but seeing as how Kiefer's given us torso twice and Faux-tog has showed us his briefs, I think the heterosexual male viewers have earned some skin. Come to think of it, the last treat they got, aside from some Spawn boob, was Mandy kissing her girlfriend goodbye. Nina puts on some tight knit pants, too -- although we don't get to see that, because she does it behind a waist-high piece of office equipment -- and hits the floor to go look Gaines up on her computer. On her way to her desk, Milo, who is the new odds-on favorite for The Gladys Kravitz Award For Achievement In Soul Patching, demands to know where Nina has been, when he can start working on the real keycard, and what's the 411 on the Palmer assassination scare he just saw on television. Nina, feeling superior in her new klean klothes, tells him to forget about the keycard, and that he has Jalapeno's job now for reasons she can't go into presently. "If I'm going to run an entire department, I want a bump in pay," says Milo to Nina through the pierced aluminum wall divider. "Don't worry, Milo," says Nina, sitting down at her own faux-Eames Management Chair. "You'll be taken care of." I guess they're trying to show us that the Jalapenos and Milos of this world are used to working on an empty promise of future rewards that may never come to pass. Milo gets comfortable in his new faux-Eames Management Chair, the place where Jalapeno's tiny but shapely rear end once called home. Say hasta la vista to your Selena screensaver, KuffedSpice!
Palmer limo. All that danger has gotten Lady MacPalmer genuinely concerned and protective. She clings to her husband's right arm and chides him for not taking the Secret Service seriously. Palmer tries to laugh it all off by reminding her of some other close call that turned out to be nothing. Plus, he reminds her, the Secret Service have someone in custody. "I don't think that we should be taking chances today," says Lady Mac, making it all about Theo again.
Back at the power plant, KuffedKiefer begs PMSG to let him get in touch with his people at CTU, but PMSG has "no choice" but to turn him over to the FBI. The velvety bedroom whisper has been worn down to a sleep-deprived gravelly bleat. Kiefer asks to speak off the record; PMSG doesn't allow it, but gives Intense Black Secret Service Guy a subtle head jerk to indicate that he needs to be alone with Kiefer. So now Kiefer can speak off the record, but it's off the record that he ever spoke off the record. He tells PMSG about his wife and daughter being kidnapped by the same people that want Palmer dead, and how he was forced by them to bring their weapons past security. "But I got Palmer out of the room," says Kiefer. "I saved his life." He goes on to beg PMSG to set him free so that he can find the assassins and bring them down before they kill Palmer. PMSG regrets to inform Kiefer that he doesn't have the authority to release Kiefer, but glumly suggests that he tell the FBI what he told him and "maybe they can help you out with your situation." "They won't," says Kiefer in a stage whisper to the support beam to which he's been shackled. Two more agents enter and escort him to an FBI-bound car. "Sorry, Kiefer," says PMSG as Kiefer is led away, his blond hair a beacon of light amongst the gray-faced government agents who, unlike the Kiefer, follow procedure. "You will be if Palmer dies," says Kiefer. The time is 8:09:52 AM.
Kiefer is led out of the makeshift interrogation offices and into the set of the 1990 Madonna video "Express Yourself," directed by a then-unknown David Fincher and inspired visually by Fritz Lang's urban industrially nightmarish Metropolis. No, wait, it's where Jennifer Beals worked as a welder in Flashdance because she, like Kiefer, took her passion and made it happen. Actually, it's some part of the power plant where it's dark and steamy and filled with narrow planks, big pipes, and semi-hunky men wearing hard hats. Kiefer recognizes the HardHatTerrorMinion who pushed Pho Mo out of the way earlier. Or at least I think that's HardHatTerrorMinion. Kiefer opens a steam valve with his shoulder that blows hot steam into the faces of his Secret Service escorts. Then he kicks and head-butts Intense Black Secret Service Guy, gets on the ground and "jump ropes" his hands so that they're no longer cuffed behind him, and grabs someone's gun. He runs along the plank, turning on steam valves to slow down his pursuers and getting workmen out of the way with his new gun. The agents have no choice but to hold fire because some sensible but unseen foreman is able to remind them that a power plant isn't a very cool place to have a gunfight. Kiefer runs and jumps a fence. He falls down a steep hill and lands by the side of a freeway, where he pulls a gun on the driver of a station wagon passing by, gets in, and makes her drive him out of there. The time is 8:12:47 AM.
Jeez, it's not time for them to trot out That 80's Show yet, is it? Well, now that I think of it, maybe it is. It was back in 1991 when it became okay to become nostalgic for the seventies. 2002 is a ripe time to start turning our attention to the eighties…and away from That 70's Show, where the cast is getting kinda homely. Like, dude, what happened to that girl who played the lead guy's girlfriend? She did not make it out of puberty gracefully. Can you say "Erin Moran as Joanie Cunningham?" What's up with these girls on nostalgic sitcoms who don't age well?
The time is 8:16:16 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn and Bride sit on a bale of hay and await more bad stuff, Palmer and Lady Mac sit in their limo contemplating serious matters, and Kiefer keeps his new bitch in line with his gun. The new KieferKaptee, by the way, is some moonfaced broad in a waitress uniform who looks like a long lost sibling of Joan and John Cusack. Kiefer trains his gun on her and shouts directions. They end up at a construction site adjacent to the power plant. They park, and Kiefer orders her up some stairs and into this office trailer that is sitting on top of a few stories of scaffolding. The office is locked, so he breaks the window.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch and KuffedSpice are in the archives room alone together, having a little "Spanish Inquisition" of their own. Soul Patch reminds her how much damage she did by cooperating with Gaines. Jalapeno brings out the violins about being a single mother with a job where she works twice as hard as everyone else but gets paid half as much. But when she admits that Gaines bought her services for the low, low price of $300,000.00, Soul Patch tells her in Spanish that she's a disgrace. Nina enters and orders Jalapeno to get Gaines on the phone and plant false information about Kiefer. Jalapeno refuses to help them until she has a written promise of immunity from the CTU legal department. Before Nina can bitch-slap KuffedSpice into submission, her cell phone rings. It's Kiefer from inside the construction site trailer. He apologizes breathlessly for shooting her and explains about Gaines, the kidnapped Kieferettes, and Gaines's access to the CTU surveillance cameras. Nina says that she already knew about the video feed, and informs him that Jalapeno was Gaines's inside person. Kiefer is shocked at this news and reminds Nina that Walsh cleared Jalapeno. "She just confessed," says Nina, and informs Kiefer of Jalapeno's refusal to cooperate. Kiefer asks to speak to Jalapeno himself. She doesn't want to talk, but Soul Patch makes her by holding the phone to her ear in one hand and training a gun on her with the other. Kiefer tries to relate to Jalapeno as a fellow sister in kuffs who's got a family depending on him. He gives her the full Sutherland velvet treatment and even gives her his word that she'll receive immunity, but Jalapeno is unmoved and opts to wait for an agreement in writing. Kiefer tells Nina to send him a car at the construction site…and to bring Jalapeno's son Kyle into the office. Nina promises to get on it, and hangs up.
Meanwhile, Kiefer's hostage -- the boards call her Lauren Brockovich -- has been listening to Kiefer's konversation with look of total konfusion. "Who are you?" she asks when he gets off the phone with Nina. Kiefer explains that he's a government agent on a secret assignment, and meanwhile his wife and daughter are kidnapped to prevent him from carrying out this assignment. Lauren Brockovich just wants to know why she can't leave. "I can't afford to be taken into custody," says Kiefer, explaining that he's got to convince the people looking for him that he is willing to do something krazy. "Like shoot me?" says Lauren B. Kiefer promises not to shoot the dumpy but sassy waitress, so she grabs her purse and leaves, klaiming she's got to go appear in court on a DWI charge. Kiefer pulls a gun on her. "I have killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept for over twenty-four hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me," says Kiefer, his voice an instrument of delirious velvet-draped rage. Lauren stays. The time is 8:24:36 AM.
The time is 8:29:31 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer guards his white-trash hostage and keeps an eye on the parking lot outside, the Secret Service escort Palmer back to his hotel room, and Spawn and Bride sit on a bale of hay some more. The Palmers enter their hotel room/campaign office. Some blonde assistant in a powder-blue sleeveless turtleneck, who seems to have taken old Perky Patty's place, asks about the shooting. Palmer says something gruff but comforting to the staff people who are standing around, and tells them to get back to work. Because he's a leader and a sitcom dad all rolled into one! The staff members, who are done up in these postmodern Nixon-era Young Republican outfits, head back to their own offices to do work. Lady MacPalmer removes her jacket to reveal a sleeveless tank, sits down on the couch to remove her shoes, and asks CaucasianPatty where Theo is. Oh, by the way, it's official: every single regular cast member on this show has to bare her shoulders at some point. It's this season's erogenous zone. So CaucasianPatty tells Lady Mac that she's worried about Theo because he stormed out of the house, not acting "like himself" and looking angry. Now, I have no firsthand knowledge about what it's like to be the personal assistant of a powerful political figure, but I would imagine that it might not be the wisest career move to tell your boss's wife that his son is having a meltdown. Oh sure, if you were concerned, you might mention that Theo seemed upset and change the subject, but I can't imagine that it's a good idea to be all, "Hey, it looks like your son is smoking crack again. Can I have a raise and a letter of recommendation for grad school at the Kennedy School of Government?" Lady Mac tells CaucasianPatty that it's probably no big deal, but once she's out of the room, Palmer calls Secret Service to have someone see what Theo is up to. Lady Mac nags him again about calling off the story. Palmer sees resistance as futile. There's no way they can get Reporter Maureen to keep her mouth shut, because the story is good for her own career. Lady Mac begs him to "do the impossible" for his son, just like he'd have done for his own career. Palmer is all, "If you wanted my help, you should have asked me seven years ago!" Palmer is all about the truth. Lady Mac is all about appearances and lies. He storms past a couple of Talbot-clad assistants, who are filing and gossiping with some pimply-faced guys in wide ties, and takes refuge in his office.
Back at the office trailer, Kiefer calls Soul Patch to check on the status of the Kar, Kyle, and KuffedSpice. Soul Patch has nothing to report, but apologizes for being such a nosy, distrusting Soul Patch. Kiefer thanks Soul Patch for being there for Nina. Soul Patch is all, "I would totally make out with you right now if we could just ditch these women we've imprisoned!" Well, maybe not in so many words. Kiefer notices something through the Venetian blinds and gets off the phone. He calls Lauren Brockovich over, shows her some bolt cutters lying outside, and orders her to fetch them. As she's walking out the door, Kiefer runs up to her, grabs her, and lays on some Sutherland velvet. "I'll be watching you," he says, reminding her that he'll have a gun trained on her and displaying the fact that he is turning into a bit of a Gaines figure himself. Either the power of the Sutherland velvet is being sapped as the day goes on or Lauren is a lesbian because she's not hypnotized or anything. She gets the bolt kutters, comes back, and kuts Kiefer's kuffs off. Kiefer keeps trying to give her tips on how to kut his kuffs. "I know how to use bolt cutters," says Lauren sassily, giving us a peek into her lurid past…as the manager of a health club whose responsibility it was to cut padlocks off of lockers left locked overnight.
Back at Palmer headquarters, Palmer is standing in the butt-ugliest office kitchen I have ever seen on television. It's all slate-pink particle board and has one of those nasty wall racks that you buy for $14.99 at Bed, Bath & Beyond because you think that this flimsy green faux-oxidized metallic tubing construction will be a styling place for your hand soap and used SOS pads, but it just looks like ass when you get it home to your kitchen, plus the dishtowels totally fall off those hooks all the time and you just get depressed when you see it so you throw it away, but it takes forever for the trashmen to take it because each week your neighbors keep seeing it in the trash and saying to themselves, "Hey, check out those dishtowel hooks!" and fall in love with it just like you did. And then one week later, the rack gets thrown out again and then rescued by yet another neighbor until it makes the rounds of your entire building. So anyway, as Palmer is pouring himself a scotch, Poor Man's Hume Cronyn enters and lectures him about drinking scotch in the morning. Um, what the hell is scotch doing in an office kitchenette in the first place? Speaking of the Nixon era. Anyway, PMHC informs Palmer that the man who grabbed Intense Black Secret Service Guy's gun was a government agent named Kiefer who also just escaped from police custody. Palmer swears he has heard Kiefer's name before.
Back at the TerrorKompound, whose exterior, in the sunlight, looks like a farming village on the Cote D'Azur, Eli enters The Stable Of Sensuality. Instinctively, Bride walks in front of Spawn and assumes a protective stance. Eli tells Spawn to go into the other room. "I won't hurt you," he says, obviously referring to his small penis and his ability to come in seconds. Bride tries to fight him off, but he throws her to the side and draws a gun. He picks Spawn up, flings her over his shoulder, and they do the Hunchback of Notre Dame tussle for a few moments. Spawn breaks free and grabs a heavy piece of wood to fight him with, which is, by the way, a really unwise thing to do when your assailant has a gun. Bride taps him on the shoulder. "Hey hey hey!" she says to Eli all Pam Grier. "I won't fight you." So Spawn is all, huh? And Bride is all "c'mon!" to Eli. And then Spawn is like, whoa! So Bride leads Eli into the other room. On the way, you can barely see that she is quietly freaking out. Spawn pounds on the locked door -- another unwise thing to do when someone has a gun -- and then listens to make sure that her mom is okay, but all she can hear is the sound of zippers, clothes falling to the floor, and the creaking of the mattress. Ew! She backs far away from the door, takes a seat on this bench to some casks that look like laundry hampers from the Hold Everything catalogue, and caresses her heavy piece of wood while she stares off into space. And no, I am not making that up about the heavy piece of wood. The time is 8:36:38 AM.
The time is 8:40:54 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn kontinues to karess her big piece of wood and even sticks it between her legs (ew!), Palmer sits in his office thinking, and Jalapeno is still a silent little KuffedSpice. Back at Palmer Headquarters, Lady MacPalmer sits alone in a small dark room watching television. CaucasianPatty knocks but doesn't wait for a "come in" before she bursts in and hands Lady Mac the phone, not even giving her a chance to screen. This girl is so fired! It's Reporter Maureen, returning Lady Mac's call while she gets her hair styled. Lady Mac tells Reporter Maureen to postpone the story about Theo, and offers her exclusive information sister-to-sister about a government plot to assassinate her husband. So then they start talking conspiracy like they're Brandy and Monica comparing dressing rooms. "The man they arrested this morning works for the government and he may not have been acting alone," says Lady Mac, promising to "milk some sources" if Maureen sits on the Theo story for a couple of hours. Maureen agrees to postpone the story.
Back at The Stable Of Sensuality, Bride finally emerges from the other room. What was that? Five minutes? Eli emerges, stares down Spawn, and exits the stable completely. Spawn hugs her mom and makes the first of a lifetime of apologies that she clearly owes her. Bride shrugs off Spawn's concern and tries to calm her down. "We are going to be a family again," says Bride. "You and me and Kiefer are going to have our lives back. This is not going to be a part of that life!" "You're not going to tell dad?" asks Spawn. Dear Ann Landers, Should I tell my husband about an infidelity I committed? In my defense, it was during a kidnapping so technically it was rape… Bride doesn't answer her. Instead, she checks to see that Eli is truly gone, then pulls Eli's cell phone out of her pants. Go, Bride! She calls CTU. Nina answers, but Bride has to hang up before she can say anything useful because FuManchuTerrorMinion has entered The Stable Of Sensuality. Thankfully, FuManchuTerrorMinion is not there to rape either of the Kieferettes. He's just storing some large boxes inside the prison/softcore porn studio/storage unit. Nina tries to *69 Bride, but the line is blocked. Bride manages to fit the phone back into her pants without making FuManchuTerrorMinion suspicious. All I can say is, thank God cell phones are so small today because this scene could have had some majorly inappropriate slapstick going on if this was happening five years ago.
Palmer Headquarters. Theo enters. They do that thing with the lighting and the kreepy music to make his entrance seem really ominous and konfrontational. Palmer sees him and is all, "Where'd you go?" Theo, who is all not-ominous all of a sudden, says that he just "went out," and notes that Palmer still hasn't gone to the press with the story. Palmer affirms that he will come clean shortly and that it's all for the best. "I talked to my lawyer," says Palmer. "And he's got his best people working on it." Theo is all, whatever, and walks off. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn enters. Palmer reminds him that Reporter Maureen is breaking the Theo story in a few minutes and they should have a statement prepared. PMHC is all, "Forget about it, she's going to sit on the story for now." Palmer wants to know why she's postponing the story and asks an entering Lady Mac if she knows anything about this. Lady Mac feigns ignorance, but Palmer vows to get to the bottom of everything. Because it's not like he has to run for president or anything. I mean, the man's got loads of free time to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?
Hey, I think it's time we got to know a little bit more about Kiefer's new friend, Lauren Brockovich! Don't you? I mean, before long she'll die or lose track of Kiefer and we'll all be wondering what was up, so let's get up close and personal with Hostage Spice while that's still an option, a-i-i-i-i-ght? Ironically, Lauren works at "Gables Coffee Shop on Ventura, the home of the $3.99 all-day breakfast." Was that ironic enough for you? Palmer's Food-Free Breakfast vs. breakfast served twenty-four hours a day? There's a theme here. Furthermore, like Kiefer, Lauren is no stranger to making tough decisions. Her marriage was ruined when she chose to take care of her sister over her husband's objections. Oh, and this is Lauren's first DUI…in a couple of years. She's not an alcoholic, she just has bad luck. Kiefer apologizes for getting her involved in "all of this." He falls asleep sorta and reminisces about his military days -- which apparently weren't half as scary as the day he's having now. Lauren tries to make a run for it, but Kiefer is too hypervigilant for her and stops her with his gun. The time is 8:48:49 AM.
The time is 8:53:12 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Lauren mopes, Spawn copes, and Jalapeno hopes…for independent counsel, that is. Back in the CTU archives room, Jalapeno learns from Soul Patch and Nina that Kyle has been sent for. "This is not fair," says Jalapeno, forgetting how "unfair" it is that Nina and Soul Patch have to give Jalapeno immunity before she'll kooperate. "Kyle kan't see me like this!" Nina points out to Jalapeno that her son doesn't have to see her "like this" if she kooperates. Jalapeno klaims to be konfused. She needs time to think.
Kiefer's got trouble! The police are hanging out in the konstruction site parking lot for some reason, which means that he can't retrieve the CTU kar without being taken back into kustody. He asks a reluctant Lauren Brockovich to retrieve it for him. "Is your wife and daughter really in trouble?" asks Lauren B. Kiefer konfirms this. Lauren exits. Kiefer watches her through the Venetian blinds and sees her change her mind and walk over to the police. Kiefer jumps out the window into a dumpster and, accompanied by some techno-Riverdance music, finds the CTU car. He retrieves the keys from the sun visor and speeds off.
The time is 8:58:26 AM. Over at the ex-Jalapeno terminal, Milo gives Nina and Soul Patch an update on his search on Gaines, which apparently yielded a plethora of non-leads. Nina orders him to krosscheck his findings with Flee-er from Kiefer, Alan York, and the plane krash. Milo is on it. "She's had no time to think about it," says Soul Patch to Nina regarding Jalapeno. Nina tells Milo to kall her when Kyle komes in. Yet again, Milo wants to know what is up with Jalapeno and why she's in trouble. "You're not an internal affairs agent," says Soul Patch. "Keep kwiet and kall us when Kyle komes in!" And if Soul Patch is telling you to mind your own business…Nina and Soul Patch discuss the inevitability of "bringing Milo in" on their way back to the archives room, but when they open the door, they see Jalapeno in a pool of blood, having kut her wrists with a broken koffee kup. Nina calls whoever it is you call in these situations while Milo announces over the intercom that Kyle, Jalapeno's son, is here. "Keep him out of here!" says Nina as she and Soul Patch unkuff Jalapeno and lay her down on the ground. The screen splits into fours and we see Bride being a mother-lion, Lady Mac being a mother spin-doctor, and Kiefer being a muthafucka. Jalapeno's TerrorPalm rings. It's Gaines. The time is 8:59:58…8:59:59…9:00:00 AM. And Jalapeno is nowhere to be found in the scenes from week. Just saying.