Previouslys. Palmer is advised to come out with the truth about his son before reporter Maureen Kingsley breaks the story. His son and wife aren't too happy about this. Spawn asks Rick to help her break out of the TerrorKompound. "People break out of prison all the time," says Spawn. Um, so how come you didn't when you had the chance last week? Stupid girl! Bride is restrained, hooded, and brought to the TerrorKompound by fake CTU agents. Lastly, Kiefer switches keycards, takes Nina hostage, and pretends to shoot her. "The following takes place between 7:00 AM and 8:00 AM…"
The credits roll as the screen splits to reveal a tousle-haired farm boy walking through some fields by the golden light of the morn while mournful trumpets blare in the background. It's a painting by Andrew Wyeth. It's a life insurance commercial. It's a Soviet propaganda film. No wait, it's Nina, looking waifish and unkempt in her oversized flak jacket, doing the walk of shame back to civilization from the industrial yard where Kiefer shot her. All of sudden, though, the creepy industrial yard from last week has turned into an immaculate but lonely Iowa cornfield that contrasts poetically with the adjacent split-screen images showing the hustle and bustle of the power plant where the Palmer breakfast with some Kalifornia labor leaders is taking place. An expository newscast informs us that the Kalifornia primary is "officially underway." Thank God! Finally the Palmers will have stuff to do now besides boring me to tears. FauxMartin, the Faux-tographer (tm Emporer), enters the building looking shifty and sheepish, alerting Ira Gaines via cell phone to his arrival.
The expository newscast keeps going on in the background, giving us more nuggets of redundant information like the fact that Palmer is set to win California and be the first African-American presidential candidate "from a major political party." No, they don't say which party. On the balcony of Palmer's headquarters, Palmer studies some index cards and puts them into his shirt pocket. Lady MacPalmer -- who incidentally is the only character in this plotline who doesn't put me to sleep -- slithers over, still looking fine, and asks him what he "decided." Palmer informs her that he rewrote his speech to break the silence surrounding the family scandal. He assures her that standing behind his decision is the "only way to protect Keith." "I will never forgive you if something bad happens to my son," says Lady MacPalmer. "He's my son, too," Palmer reminds her. "No he's not," says Lady MacPalmer. "The condom broke when we went to that key party at Wilt Chamberlain's house in Malibu. He is Theo's real father!" Actually, scratch that last thing that Mrs. Huxtable just said. I just thought the plotline needed a little help. Instead, Mrs. H gives Palmer some serious attitude and starts chugging a glass of some liquid that could be either Tang or a mimosa.
Enter Theo. Mrs. Huxtable greets him and asks him where L'il Lisa Bonet is. Theo informs Mrs. H and Palmer that L'il Lisa is picking up some friends at the airport. How convenient this errand is for the producers, who now don't have to pay L'il Lisa for an appearance in this week, since it will take her at least an episode…I mean, "an hour"…to pick up her friends at LAX. So the remaining Palmers start going over the game plan for the day. Palmer stresses the need to put Theo's "accident" behind him, and that everyone will be okay if they all come clean. Theo gets in Palmer's face, accuses him of living in a "fairy tale," and gives him some line about how juries love to convict black men who kill white people. I can see why Theo is worried. I mean, remember a few years ago when those Colombian drug lords broke into that black Heisman Trophy winner's home and killed his wife, and an all-white jury sent him to jail despite no evidence of his presence at the crime scene? Hi, Theo? Um, while it's true that black men are often given the short end of the stick when it comes to our justice system (to say the least), you are the son of a senator and not some poor black man depending on a public defender to keep you from getting the chair. I think your father knows a few lawyers and can afford to pay them. Furthermore, I can't imagine a jury coming down too hard on anyone, white or black, who killed his sister's rapist, as opposed to, say, killing someone over a botched crack deal. Palmer reminds him that the Maureen Kingsley story is going to come out anyway, whether or not he stands behind his father. "I'm not running from anything," says Theo. "I just don't want to spend my last episode with you." What a little shit! "Let's get this over with," says Palmer. Lady MacPalmer assumes a rigid expression on her face, and they exit.
FauxMartin is making his way over to security at the power plant. An efficient-looking blonde woman with a Rachel haircut and a Crayola-blue suit approaches him and asks him if he's Martin Belkin. When he affirms this, she introduces herself to him as Jessica Abrams, a Palmer campaign worker, and offers to help him with his automatic weapons…I mean, "camera equipment." He insists on carrying it himself. Poor Man's Monica Potter (or Photogenic Mary Matalin, take your pick) assures him that the senator will be arriving shortly, and tells him she's a fan of his work. He goes through security. Old bald White Head Secret Service Agent Guy inspects FauxMartin's cameras and finds nothing suspicious. And I'd just like to add here that if Head Secret Service Guy were really Head Secret Service guy in charge of Palmer's Secret Service detail, then what is he doing at the reception desk searching bags? If Head Secret Service Guy ran security for an airport, would he be the guy who told you to empty your pockets of any change before you went through the metal detector? If Head Secret Service Guy were the principal of a high school, would he be wearing a hairnet and serving up pizza bagels in the cafeteria? If Head Secret Service Guy were the head of the ADA, would you call him at home if you lost your retainer? If Head Secret Service Guy were a celebrity chef at a four-star restaurant, would he be the guy who came over to your table to tell you that your Discover Card had been declined? I. Don't. Think. So. Nevertheless, Head Secret Service Guy gets Belkin clearance and lets him enter.
TerrorKompound. HoodedBride is still in that hood, which is still scaring the bejesus out of me. Her hands are cuffed behind her, and each breath she takes is a loud hysterical gasp as some TerrorMinions lead her down a dimly lit hallway within the TerrorShack. In case you didn't get it, they do a POV shot from Bride's perspective under the hood and show the shadowy outlines of the fluorescent light fixtures whizzing past her head. Then her hood is removed. She is face-to-face with Gaines, who is at the KieferKonsole. Now I just gotta say here that I'm a bit old-school when it comes to villains. I like it when they're all debonair and shit to their hostages. I mean, wouldn't it be great if Gaines, upon meeting Bride, turned on the charm by offering her a seat and a glass of thirty-year-old Montrachet and then apologized sincerely for the déclassé circumstances under which she was brought to TerrorManor? "My my my," he'd say, kissing her hand and ringing the bell to summon Olga, the housekeeper. "I hope I don't sound out of line here but Kiefer is one lucky man to have such a lovely wife! I hope you like Bach because after dinner, over cigars and brandy, I'm giving everyone a little recital tonight of some of my favorite fugues. Olga? Please prepare a room for the lady, draw her a bath, and get her a change of clothes. She's had a very long day!" But no. Lord Phlegm just looks at her, grunts, and turns his attention back to the KieferKonsole. He sucks! And why do the TerrorMinions have to strong-arm Bride down the hall like they're wrestling an alligator? She's tied up and hooded, for crying out loud! Why waste the energy?
Gaines goes back to the KieferKonsole and directs Kiefer to a bus station, where Kiefer rolls down his window to receive a briefcase from an UndercoverTerrorMinion who is waiting there for him, wearing a black t-shirt with black trousers and looking like a bellboy at some Ian Schrager-designed hotel or an off-duty counterperson at Dean & Deluca. "Don't touch the briefcase until I tell you to!" says Phlegm Lord. It's time for Kiefer to make his way over to the breakfast, but Kiefer refuses to move until he is reassured that Spawn and Bride are alive and well. Gaines escorts Bride to the KieferKonsole microphone. "Say anything you want," says Gaines menacingly. "Tell him you love him!" Bride manages to tell Kiefer that she's not hurt, but that she hasn't seen Kimberly yet, before Gaines muffles her and removes her from the KieferKonsole. Kiefer leaves for the breakfast. The ShadowTerrorTaurus follows. Gaines assures Bride with no charisma whatsoever that she'll be free in an hour if Kiefer does what he's told. Bride asks to be taken to her daughter, and the two attending TerrorMinions strong-arm her out the door, causing her to start whimpering again. It's 7:08:37 AM.
Gaines goes over to his keyboard and calls up his email. I don't know what kind of filtering software Gaines has, but there is no spam in his inbox. He doesn't even get the inevitable "enlarge your penis" or "teen babes who love big cocks" porn spam that no one male, female, young, old, straight or gay seems to be able to shake. This one time when Sars was in a Socratic mood over drinks, she asked me, "Are there any teen babes out there who don't love big cocks?" "Yes," I responded after a thoughtful silence. "Lesbian teen babes." Sars was all, "Man, I totally forgot all about the lesbian teen babes who use to send us email every day, right after the bubble burst on the dot-com industry!" "They were sweet girls," I said mournfully, signaling the waiter for another round and taking a little time to reflect on all lovely young things who enter our lives week after week, asking only for credit card numbers and a shoulder to cry on. ["Lesbian teen babes…always the first victims in a recession. Sigh." -- Sars] Anyway, Gaines selects an email from Jalapeno and types in a series of commands that are meant to initiate a "network connection" to Jalapeno's "remote computer" at CTU. Uh oh! It's official. Jalapeno is the TerrorMole. And now that Jalapeno has shown her true colors, it seems that she is all about accentuating her chin for some reason. First the bangs, now the chin. She grabs a Palm Pilot from her seventh workstation since midnight and makes a beeline for the ladies' room, letting her chin -- which is growing more engorged with each passing second -- lead the way.
But before Jalapeno reaches the ladies', Milo collides into her and asks her where Nina went. Jalapeno explains that Nina was "called out," and walks around him toward the bathroom. Milo stops her again and complains that he's got nothing to do until Nina lets him know what to do about the fake keycard. Oh yeah, man, I used to hate it when I temped and I'd make $22 per hour doing absolutely nothing but surfing the web. It just made me feel so empty inside. I tried to fill the void with a debauched orgy of bill paying and grocery shopping but the voices in my head kept growing louder and louder. Not even the new mini-stereo system I bought could drown them out! Anyway, Jalapeno tries to throw him a bone by promising him that he can help her with some file formatting to pass the time. "They didn't bring me in here at five in the morning to format files!" whines Milo. Jalapeno ignores him and slips into the ladies'. A full-body shot reveals that Jalapeno is now wearing a new pair of jeans and has now changed "costumes" a total of three times since midnight. And once again I notice how amazing her body is as she pauses at the mirror to play with her hair and wait for a faceless ko-worker to wash her hands and get out of there. She slips into a stall, whips out her Palm Pilot, and receives a new message from Gaines. He asks her if Milo knows about the fake keycard. Jalapeno replies that he does. Gaines tells her to take care of it, and to make up an excuse for why Nina isn't in the office…because she's dead. Jalapeno is stunned by this bit of news, and I would like to think that it is making her feel like a piece of crap. She logs off and turns off her Palm Pilot. Oh, and speaking of crap? Gaines can see inside the ladies' room over the CTU security system. Kreepy!
Elsewhere within the TerrorKompound, in some new lockdown we've never seen before with a brick-face interior painted the color of a robin's egg. It's probably some shade of Martha Stewart house paint from her collection of custom blends inspired by the colors in and around Skylands, her Seal Harbor, Maine estate. Spawn sits, head in hand, her hair appearing longer than it was less than an hour ago. The TerrorMinions enter with Bride, and for some useless reason, they don't let the two Kieferettes near each other until they lock them in another room, which looks more like a barnyard whose hay-filled interior is used for Playboy spreads. It even has the same golden, filtered light. Mother and daughter have a tearful reunion over the same bale of hay where Miss November sat earlier that day, wearing a flannel shirt tied at the ribcage, a pair of thigh-high boots, and a lot of body foundation. "It's okay, it's okay," repeats Bride like a mantra. No, it's not. Spawn gasps for air as her moistened face emerges from her mother's bosom. The time is 7:11:19 AM. It's about time I had a commercial break!
The time is 7:15:43 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Palmer and Lady MacPalmer ride in their limo to the breakfast, Kiefer drives the Terror Taurus to the breakfast, FauxMartin mingles at the breakfast, and Spawn and Bride are reunited 'cause it feels so good. And it's still good even after the commercial. You know how in those soft-core porn films on Cinemax, there's the obligatory lesbo scene where the sexy older female professor seduces her nubile young student by inviting her to discuss her thesis over a female bonding dinner, which soon turns into a wine-inspired mutual confession of past loves and long buried curiosities, leading to tender caresses and finally a candle-lit Sapphic romp that lasts until the golden hue of the morning sun? Well, imagine that with some hay and no actual nudity or lesbianism and you've got the visual gist of this scene. Bride holds Spawn and caresses her hair as Spawn pours her heart out about the evil frat boys. "PMMS was hit by a car," says Spawn. "I know," says Bride, brushing a tendril of blonde hair away from Spawn's eyes. Spawn looks like she's going to ask how Bride knows about all of this and how PMMS is doing, but stops herself. Bride comforts her again, assuring her that everything will be all right.
Speaking of uninhibited sensual women in agricultural settings, Nina finds what looks like an abandoned grain storage facility, and kicks in the door like it's no big deal when no one answers her knock. I love her! Miraculously, the farm phone still works. She calls Jalapeno, who has stepped away from her desk, or could simply be at her third desk since Nina left the office, for all we know. The phone rings at the old Jalapeno desk that is attached to Soul Patch's desk. Soul Patch even looks out over the pierced aluminum cubicle divider, watching Jalapeno's black phone from the MOMA catalog ring unanswered. When Nina gets Jalapeno's voicemail, she hangs up and rings Soul Patch's desk. Soul Patch, who is obviously miffed that he was Nina's second choice, gives her the third degree about where she is and what's going on. Nina kuts him off and kommands him not to let anyone at CTU to know she's alive. Soul Patch wants more of an explanation, but Nina asks him to summon Jalapeno to the phone. He walks over to her second desk, where Milo is showing her the fake keycard and asking her where Nina is. "Nina won't be back for a couple of hours," says Jalapeno, just as Soul Patch arrives at her desk. Soul Patch asks her how she knows when Nina will be back. Jalapeno, carrying out Gaines's order that she think of an excuse for Nina's absence, claims to have talked to Nina a "couple of minutes ago." Soul Patch changes his mind about putting Jamey on the phone, and tells Nina about Jalapeno's lie. Nina realizes that Jamey is the mole. "We can't trust Jamey!" she says desperately to Soul Patch. She gives Soul Patch some sketchy details about Kiefer being watched. Soul Patch sends a car to pick her up at the grain warehouse.
Speaking of chauffeured cars with desperate women inside, Palmer's limousine arrives at the power plant. Lord and Lady MacPalmer enter the building through the freight entrance amid a sea of officious-looking well-wishers and security people. There's a great tracking shot of Lady MacPalmer posing for photos and keeping it together as the freight elevator closes its doors on the Palmer entourage.
Kiefer enters the Power Plant through the front and approaches security. He gives his name to Head Secret Service Guy. After a tension-filled briefcase check which ultimately reveal the contents to be a laptop -- or, most likely, a weapon kleverly kontained within a working laptop -- he is given clearance. Upon hearing that Senator Huxtable is on his way to the auditorium, Kiefer works his way through the crowd, oblivious to FauxMartin and his automatic weapons kleverly disguised within kamera equipment. He bumps into Photogenic Mary Matalin, who recognizes him. They went to high school together. I'm getting the distinct impression that Kiefer and PMM have a "history," if you know what I mean. Something about the way she all but dropped to her knees and blew him clued me in. Gaines tells him to keep away from her, so Kiefer politely exits the konversation, promising to be in touch. The thing Kiefer has to do, according to Gaines, is to hand off the briefcase to another party. Kiefer waits for someone to approach him, and pours himself some koffee from one of those stainless steel urns you always see at AA meetings. Palmer appears onstage, and the crowd goes krazy. Various crowd reactions are seen by Gaines on the KieferKonsole. Kiefer and Palmer cross paths and make eye contact. Palmer shakes hands with Faux-tographer. The tension builds. The time is 7:25:14 AM.
The time is 7:29:26. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer, amid hordes of spectators, watches Palmer; Spawn sleeps; FauxMartin takes faux-tos; and Lady MacPalmer puts on a future-First-Lady smile. Back at The Stable Of Sensuality, Spawn sleeps with her head resting on Bride's lap. Fortunately, there's also a big folded sweater on Bride's lap that makes it all kosher. Not that I have any idea where either of them got this big-ass heather gray cable-knit pullover. Bride extricates herself from under Spawn and decides to check the space for any escape hatches. Rick enters with breakfast in a brown deli bag. Is there a TerrorKafé on the TerrorKompound? Rick introduces himself, and Bride recognizes his name from Spawn's account of her night. "You kidnapped my daughter," says Bride, opening up a big can of whoop-ass and serving it to him with her fists. Go Bride! Unfortunately, GunWieldingMinion, the guy who considered raping Spawn last week, enters the room and breaks it up, although it appears to GWM that Rick is simply raping the mother this time. "It's better if you don't make friends," says GWM -- although the closed captioning says, "it's better if you don't make fries" -- and makes a sinister remark about the ladies not being "around much longer." Both boys exit The Stable Of Sensuality. Bride watches her daughter sleep ass upward on a bale of hay some more with an ambiguous expression on her face.
The Food-Free Palmer Breakfast. Kiefer is standing around with the other low-level politicos, trying to look like he belongs there. Gaines can see all from the Kiefer Konsole. He orders Kiefer through the earpiece to move over to the "south wall." Kiefer komplies, but bumps into Photogenic Mary Matalin on the way there and finds himself forced to make small talk about old names from high school. Pho Mo pulls out a big "agenda" bat and hits Kiefer over the head with it by telling him she heard through the grapevine that Kiefer divorced Bride. Oh, like the Pho Mos of the world ever date CIA guys! Pretending to be handing her his phone number, Kiefer tries to warn her via a note to get Palmer off the stage. Gaines sends a HardHatTerrorMinion over to bump into them and prevent the note from being passed. Kiefer gives up and walks over to the south wall. Gaines directs him into a dark unused industrial area of the building with a lot of dusty machines installed everywhere. Kiefer has to present his ID to an intense black Secret Service guy to gain entry and then, at Gaines's kommand, enters a small "medical station" at the end of corridor, where he waits for further orders.
Meanwhile, on a second screen, Soul Patch approaches a never-seen-before back entrance to CTU, where Nina has just gotten out of a yellow cab. "Oh my God! What happened to you?" says Soul Patch to Nina, who looks about the same, grooming-wise, as she did when she left CTU with Kiefer. Oh wait, there's a tiny dirt patch on her face. Nina tries to act brave, but Soul Patch takes her into his big lazy arms, comforts her, and pays the cab driver. They enter a spare room in CTU that has no spy cameras installed, and Nina explains to Soul Patch that Kiefer family has been kidnapped by the people who are trying to kill Palmer, and that's why everything has been weird lately. Soul Patch broods over not being told earlier. Nina doesn't fall for the guilt trip and reminds him she had orders to follow. Soul Patch wants to do something about Jalapeno and call the Secret Service to warn them about Jack. Nina is worried about backlash from the TerrorSquad, and wants to learn more before they do anything. Soul Patch tells her they have no choice but to act quickly, and his manly wisdom prevails over Nina. Because if Soul Patch is telling you to stop nosing around and actually do something, he's probably got a point.
Meanwhile, Kiefer is snooping around inside the MedicalHut. FauxMartin enters. Not that they explain how he got past Intense Black Secret Service Guy. He opens his briefcase and tells Kiefer to assemble the rifle inside. While Kiefer puts the gun together, Faux puts some sort of putty over his own fingerprints. He hands Kiefer a bullet. "You want my prints on this weapon?" says Kiefer. "Do you honestly think that anyone is going to believe that I shot David Palmer?" Faux wordlessly puts the gun in his camera bag and starts to walk out the door. Kiefer pulls a gun on him, but Faux coolly reminds him that "someone might get hurt" if he stops the assassination, and continues out the door. The time is 7:37:09 AM.
The time is 7:41:19. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer peers out of the MedicalHut, Soul Patch makes his way down a CTU hall, Gaines stares at the KieferKonsole, and a TV-inside-a-TV shows Palmer taking the stage. Soul Patch approaches Jalapeno's desk and, solely for the benefit of Jalapeno's ears, tells Milo that the real keycard was found and he put it in the archive room, the room -- I assume -- where Nina is hiding out. Jalapeno's reaction is totally transparent. Her chin starts throbbing uncontrollably. Must… find…keycard. Now that bait has been put out there, Soul Patch exits to go back to work, and I must say that if Soul Patch didn't want Jalapeno to get suspicious, he should have refrained from going back to work that quickly. Milo is all, "A fake keycard? What is that about?" Jalapeno shakes her head a little too quickly and feigns ignorance while her chin sniffs the air in search of blood.
From the archive room, which you know is some crappy junk room because the brand-new furniture inside looks totally affordable, Nina watches Jalapeno squirm over the security cameras. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this "junk room" that everyone has forgotten about has a giant konsole of monitors hooked up to the security cameras so that Soul Patch and Nina can monitor everything that's happening at CTU. And yes, that includes the bathrooms. No wonder Soul Patch knew about this room. I bet he installed a hidden lube and tissue caddy somewhere. The phone rings. It's Head Secret Service Guy getting back to Soul Patch. SP tells HSSG that Kiefer is at the breakfast and might be "compromised." HSSG remembers giving Kiefer "klearance," and promises to take appropriate action. Meanwhile, Nina sees Jalapeno leaving her desk over the security cameras, and gives Soul Patch a heads-up. Jalapeno enters the ladies' room and gets into a stall. Nina gives Jalapeno's location to Soul Patch over some headsets they're now wearing. Soul Patch pretends to be reading some files outside the ladies' and waits for Nina's okay. When the security cameras, which are on a "twenty-second loop," are blinded to the ladies' room, Nina gives the go-ahead. Soul Patch enters the ladies room, gets into the stall to Jalapeno, spies her trying to contact Gaines over her Palm Pilot, pulls a gun on her, and drags her ass out of there. Gaines checks the KieferKonsole, doesn't see a thing, and turns his attention back to the Palmer breakfast, where…
…Palmer, accompanied by Lady MacPalmer, is mingling with the crowd and defending a future tax hike to a pony-tailed hardhat. I guess that means he's a Democrat. Hee! Head Secret Service Guy, a.k.a. Political Party Pooper, takes Palmer aside and tells him that they've got a situation on their hands involving a compromised CTU agent. Palmer refuses to cancel his speech. Instead, he tells PPP to take care of Kiefer kwietly. "There's something I have to say this morning," says Palmer. PPP insists, but Palmer is unmoved. He gets on his wrist mike and orders all the Secret Service agents to kontain Kiefer. Intense Black Secret Service Guy reports into his wrist-mike that he has a "twenty" on Kiefer. The search begins.
Soul Patch throws Jalapeno into the archive room. "Hi Jamey," says Nina, emerging from a shadowy corner. Heh! Jalapeno tries to hide her shock and play dumb until Nina throws her up against a control panel and tells her to start talking. "They told me no one would get hurt," says Jalapeno, crumbling like a store-bought El Paso cornmeal taco shell. She tells Soul Patch and Nina that she was only helping them tap into the CTU security cameras at first, and then she started sending them messages from inside. Soul gets rough too and demands that Jalapeno explain to them who "they" are. Jalapeno shuts up as tight as a tamale and refuses to speak without a lawyer present. They handcuff to her a desk.
Back in the MedicalHut, Kiefer is ransacking the place, looking for something that I guess will only be known to us in the episode. I mean, what's he going to do? Save Palmer with sanitary gauze and antibacterial cream? He hears Palmer being introduced to the crowd and shifts his attention to the floor, which he can see through some slats in the wall. The time is 7:48:21 AM.
The time is 7:52:06 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bride is still looking for a way out of The Stable Of Sensuality, Jalapeno is still looking like a bondage session gone wrong, and the Secret Service guys are still searching for Kiefer. Bride, concluding that there's no way out of the SOS, turns her attention to her stupid daughter. "I love you, Spawn!" says Bride. "You know that?" Spawn replies that she knows, but all this love talk is scaring her. "It's like you're saying all this because you know something bad is going to happen." Bride denies this, then goes off on a kreepy tangent about how the only thing she knows how to do is love her daughter and how powerful her love is. More tender caresses. The silhouette of an armed guard reveals itself through the window. When is Bride going to slap the shit out of Spawn for sneaking out and getting them both kidnapped? If this were a real mother and daughter and not a Playboy video, I think we'd be seeing some of that right about now.
Back at the Power Plant, Palmer takes the stage and the mad applause begins. Faux-tographer, who is in the audience taking faux-tos, excuses himself from Pho Mo's side, telling her he'll be right back. Palmer begins his speech with some clichés about the importance of energy while Kiefer watches from the MedicalHut and Gaines watches from the KieferKonsole. Gaines kommands Kiefer to exit the MedicalHut and join Faux-tographer. "After he shoots Palmer, he will hand you his weapon," says Gaines into Kiefer's earpiece. Again, the threat of Spawn and Bride's death is trotted out in case Kiefer tries to intervene. We get it. Palmer kontinues his speech, which is now leading up to the Theo explanation, or so I'd imagine from his references to "integrity" and "honesty." Lady MacPalmer gulps and gets ready for a shitstorm. Faux-tographer aims the rifle at Palmer. Intense Black Secret Service guy sees Kiefer exiting the MedicalHut and asks him to surrender peacefully. "Seven years ago…" says Palmer, obviously getting ready to throw his cards on the table. Before he can continue, though, Kiefer grabs IBSSG's gun. The Secret Service rush over, and the crowd panics. Kiefer is slammed to the ground, and his earpiece falls out. "Kiefer, did you screw me?" says Gaines, watching the whole thing on KTV. Kiefer pleads into the earpiece lying a few inches from his face that Gaines spare his wife and daughter. He tries to grab the earpiece, but Secret Service people restrain him. "Don't hurt my family!" begs Kiefer with the nicotine-stained, whisky-soaked, sweaty, sexy, distressed-velvet trademark Sutherland bedroom whisper that lured the Foreign Press Association's attention away from James Gandolfini's bald pate and pried from the white-knuckled palms of Martin Sheen a Best Actor in a TV Series (Drama) Golden Globe award this past Sunday. Gaines throws down his headset in disgust and calls for the heads of Bride and Spawn. As the TerrorMinions enter the SOS, Gaines gets a message from KuffedJalapeno, who -- as kommanded to by Nina and Soul Patch -- explains that the Secret Service has been looking for Kiefer all night, because he's been breaking protocol ever since Gaines had him switch keycards. "Damn it!" says Gaines. "Damn it"? Gaines, why don't you try an even lamer villainous expression, like "drat!"?
Bride and Spawn are taken out into the TerrorFields, presumably to be shot. Bride does her best to fight back, landing some punches in the face of AsianTerrorMinion. Spawn just keeps doing the Fuddrucker's struggle. Finally they are forced to kneel in front of EFB#2's shallow grave. The Minions draw their guns and point them at the ladies' heads; the Kieferettes cry and beg for their lives for about forty-five excruciating minutes. Finally Gaines gets on a walkie-talkie and tells GunWieldingMinion to call off the execution. "We need them alive." The TerrorMinions bring them back to the SOS, where they cross paths with Rick on the way there. Klockwise from the top left, Jalapeno remains tied to the archives room desk, sizzling like a fajita; Nina and Soul Patch gather around the television; and Gaines puts his fist to his mouth, trying to think fast. Kiefer is led from the power plant by a team of Secret Service agents. The time is 7:59:58...7:59:59...8:00:00 AM. The Kiefer is back! Kongratulations!