Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Can you dig it?
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 12.17.2001
The time is 5:27:16. Klockwise from the top, Spawn and Rick continue to "dig it," Kiefer reflects, and Palmer paces. Spawn and Rick's hole gets deeper, and so does the konversation. Rick digs over on his end of the grave and waxes rhapsodic over Evil Frat Boy #2 and the hell-raising life he led. Spawn does some digging of her own and compares his self-destructiveness to that of PMMS, and points out the irony of missing her own mother right now. "Must [dig] be nice [dig] having a mother [dig] you like [dig]," says Rick in what has to be the gayest line of the entire episode. Additional [dig]-spiked dialogue establishes that Rick didn't have too good a home life growing up, which is why he ended up in his present career as a freelance kidnapper of upper-middle-class teenage girls. Having unburdened themselves to each other sufficiently, Spawn wants to talk strategy. "We've [dig] got to get [dig] out of here [dig]," she whines but before they can hatch a plan, Ira Gaines enters and tells Spawn to follow him back to the TerrorShack. Spawn gives Gaines this really defiant look, so Gaines is all, "Leave the shovel behind unless you're going to use it on me." Spawn throws down her shovel and stomps off. Gaines tells Rick that he'd better have his friend "in the ground" by the time he comes back.
Back at St. Mahk's, Kiefer makes a cell phone call to Nina, who is in forensics sporting a pale blue lab coat that reminds me of something Madge the manicurist would be wearing on those Palmolive commercials. No ID has been made on the mystery body yet, and the DNA analysis is going to take too long for Kiefer's liking. Nina has ascertained, however, that the body has been dead since 11:00 PM and midnight last night -- in other words, right before the first episode. Kiefer tells Nina to put Jalapeno on the case so they'll get results faster. Nina asks if they've found Spawn. Kiefer admits, with annoyance and frustration in his voice, that they have not.
Down the hall, AllegedYork and Bride of Kiefer watch Kiefer pace while he talks to Nina. In a slightly Lifetime-movie sort of way, BoK apologizes for Kiefer's temper. AllegedYork observes that Kiefer has every right to be "wound up." BoK says disparagingly that Kiefer is always wound up and that she's "used to it." "I thought you said he sat behind a desk," says AllegedYork. "I don't know what he does half the time," replies BoK, despairing over life as a CIA wife. AllegedYork tries to lighten the mood by reminding Bride that PMMS will be conscious soon and she'll be able to help them find Spawn. This subdues Bride momentarily. Kiefer approaches them now that he's off the phone with Nina and asks Bride to talk to him privately a few yards down the hall. They walk away from AllegedYork, and Bride asks Kiefer why he brought so much security and who would want to hurt PMMS. Kiefer spills. He tells her about the Palmer assassination attempt and how it seems to be related to Spawn's disappearance, which seems to be a terrorist kidnapping. Bride freaks out, bursts into tears, and kollapses into Kiefer's rust Gore Tex field jacket from Eddie Bauer. Kiefer komforts her, expressing regret at not being able to separate his work life from his home life. "What do they want with her?" whimpers BoK. Kiefer assures her that Spawn is probably okay, because the kidnappers need her alive to get what they want. BoK kries some more. Kiefer promises that everything will be okay. Then they show AllegedYork pretending not to be eavesdropping. The time is 5:33:09