Episode Report Card Carla Sparks: D+ | 31 USERS: C YOU GRADE IT Gringa Problems
By Carla Sparks | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.07.2014
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Do you like Kill Bill but hate all the character development, sex, and gore? Have I got the show for you! But you don't have to take my word for it. A sexy woman in a red dress and heels walks into a church and shoots the bride in broad daylight just as she and the groom are pronounced husband and wife. But if you thought you'd seen unaffected, check out our heroine Molly Parker. She's the rootinest, tootinest, vagina-havingest Texas Ranger you've ever seen and she doesn't play by the rules. Did I mention she is all business? Maybe that falls under rootinest.
The San Antonio Police Department sees this murder as an open-and-shut case of a jealous lover. When it's revealed that the shooter, Martina Alvarez, worked at one of the gyms owned by the groom, then confesses to the affair, some douchey lieutenant man is more than happy to throw her in jail. But Molly Parker is a woman and always knows better. She suspects there's more to the story of the murdered Assistant District Attorney, and a calendar appointment with the DEA proves it. Oh, that guy the dead bride had an appointment with from the DEA? Molly is totally banging him in spite of the fact that he texts like a sixth grade girl.
To prove to her sex friend Dan that she's right, Molly visits Martina Alvarez in jail and oops, gets her stabbed in the shower later but at least that proves something, right? Molly snoops around the Alvarez home to find pictures of a daughter and mother that the SAPD somehow missed. Molly finally gets a post-stabbing Martina to admit that she was set up by the Nuevo Laredo Cartel, who threatened the lives of her mother and daughter. This information is finally enough to convince Dan, so the two go on a rogue mission South of the border to bring down at least part of the drug cartel and rescue the rest of the Alvarez family.
The details of all the drug stuff are relatively unsure, and possibly written by someone who still calls the end of a joint "a roach;" but what really matters is that Molly Parker is sexy and shoots guns and blows up gas cans and saves innocent kidnapped Alvarez family members and fights for justice without losing her beachy waves. Molly and Dan do just that, plus a lot more gunfire, before just driving away like, "yeah let's go do it missionary again." The entire vigilante justice experience gives her a high and the strength to demand her abusive politician husband sign those divorce papers. Yeah, she's gettin' hers. You don't need much of a personality, or sexual chemistry, when you have straight talk.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The first thing to try to determine about Killer Women is guessing who it's intended for. Is it for people who love Lifetime but can’t afford extended cable? Is it for fans of Sofia Vergara? Is it for someone who was looking for something to watch on Investigation Discovery and landed on ABC through a title search? Or maybe this just exists as another piece of the "bitches be cray" puzzle we keep accidentally building on TV.
The first episode opens with a sexy brunette standing in front of an Alamo-like building in a red dress. Sexy women don’t just go to the Alamo unless they're there for some killin', I hope. We also see some cowboys and longhorns so, I get it, we’re in Texas. Yee-haw. A longhorn gets roped and surprise… it's a man and a woman! Women can rope and ride, world, this is modern-day Texas. But sometimes Molly Parker's time ropin' and ridin' gets interrupted by the duties of being a woman with a great body and she is called inside to choose a sexy black dress.
As Molly tries on a series of black dresses, her friend (or whoever that woman who Sofia Vergara cast is) tells her to get "Jake" to sign the divorce papers. Back to the woman in red, she stands outside a church where a couple is getting married, crosses herself then stalks down the middle of the aisle and no one says or notices anything until she has already shot the bride. She runs away and escapes in a sports car, in spite of, like, eight dudes shooting at her with automatic handguns. Only the heels are left behind...and a bunch of eye witnesses.
Molly Parker gets the call, and I see clearly now that she’s not Jillian Barberie like I kind of hoped she was in the back of my head. The suspect is described over the radio as an "exotic female approximately 5'4", 115 pounds, wearing a red dress is considered armed and dangerous." Someone put that giant lie on my tombstone, please, in past tense.
After pulling like, six U-turns and crazy SUV stunts, Molly Parker successfully wipes out the sports car they've been tailing. The police are close behind, but Molly is right there in a freaking wife beater with a huge gun. A middle-aged man -- who does not meet the description in any way except maybe exotic in other contexts -- steps out of the car. God, Molly Parker's hair is perfect.
Back at the crime scene, reporters outside the church reveal that the bride was an Assistant District Attorney and we learn from a jacket that Molly Parker is a Texas Ranger. The other law enforcers have a picture of the suspect, saying she won’t get far "with that face and ass." We learn that Molly was promoted from State Trooper to Texas Ranger, and also that she is all business. She talks faster than Olivia Pope in that off-putting first episode of Scandal so this whole scene is just like, "Oh God, not this again."