Episode Report Card Pamie: D | 2 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Buried Pleasures
By Pamie | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 10.31.1999
Get ready for the "most erotic Ally McBeal."
Night skyline. Sexy lesbian music. Ally is fingering her olives. She's wearing (I'm not kidding) an orange and pink striped fringy parka thing over a white tank top. Ling sips her martini. They look uncomfortably at each other. Ally babbles how her meal was excellent and she loves it when she goes out for food and it's excellent and isn't everything just excellent? She drums her fingers on the table until Ling reaches across the table and snatches Ally's hand. She confesses that the woman she was kissing in the dream was Ally. Ally's hand is moving Ling's up and down until Ling takes both hands with her other hand. Ling wears a dress with one sleeve, so when the other hand comes down it looks like three women's hands. Girl-on-girl-on-girl action, baby. Woo-hoo. Ally mutters, coughs, gasps and sighs. Ling tells her that she's always confronted her dreams to find out what they mean and now that she's sitting there looking at Ally -- her face gets a little nauseous as she says, "Letting my mind wander a little..." She reconfirmed that what she wants out of a relationship is a penis. "Oh, me too," Ally sighs. They resolve to go back to disliking each other. Ling notices a hockey team staring at them from "three o'clock." I want to tell Ling that we refer to that area as "LTL." I don't know how she knows it's a hockey team, since they are dressed in the latest Structure styles, but I'm willing to believe her. Ally and Ling decide to have "a little fun." Come on, you saw the previews, you know what's about to happen. They decide to pretend to be "two beautiful women...into each other." Ally is going to have to pretend more than Ling. Cue "Pretty Woman" on the disco speakers.
In a series of quick shots Ally and Ling dance real close. They touch each other's arms. They look intensely at each other. Well, Ling looks intense. Ally looks confused and out of place. Like when you're trying to be sexy and then you see that you've got pencil lead on the tip of your nose. The hockey team is sweating and looking like the men in Olivia Newton-John's Physical video. Ally's butt moves in a circle, but I only know that because I put the VCR on slow-motion. It looks like orange and pink fringe moving on its own. Ling moves her crotch near the rickety bones of Calista Flockheart, but knows that if she actually made any contact she might shatter one of Calista's hips. Ally grinds her ass into Ling's crotch. A woman walks over to Ally and Ling and stares at them. Ally gives her a "the more, the merrier" look but the woman just keeps staring. Ally strokes Ling's underarm. We see Ally's belly. Ling sucks on Ally's fingers. Ling pets Ally's neck. Ally sniffs Ling's hair. The woman staring holds her hand to her heart and squints as if to say, "Dear Lord, don't break that tiny woman." Ling and Ally almost kiss. The hockey team gets simultaneous erections. Ling and Ally almost kiss. Ling moves Ally from behind just like Car Wash Guy. Hands on crotch. A couple laughs. The hockey boys begin a circle jerk. Ling and Ally almost kiss. Hands on crotch. Ling leans into Ally's razor-sharp shoulder blade. Almost kiss. Crotch shot. By the way, how not-erotic is "Pretty Woman?"