Episode Report Card Aaron: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT There is no spoon.
By Aaron | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.11.2003
So it's a good thing the parole board is having a meeting then, isn't it? You know, the meeting that was postponed because of the lockdown? And then never mentioned again, even though it clearly couldn't have been postponed for very long? Yeah, that one. In a scene that's remarkably anticlimactic when you consider that we've been building towards it for almost six years, Beecher is quickly granted his unconditional release. Except, of course, for those last few plot-point-mandated days he'll have to hang around while all the paperwork is completed. Gee, you don't think anything bad will happen to him during that time, do you? I sure hope not. A stunned Beecher shuffles out of the room, where he finds Sister Pete and asks her if he's still dreaming. Once assured that he isn't, he scoops her up into his arms and dances her down the hallway. Incidentally, can any of you Catholics out there let me know how many Our Fathers you have to say as penance for shouting, "Holy fucking Christ!" while bear-hugging a nun in prison?
Next we cut to death row, which I guess at least proves that Oz isn't located in Indiana. Poor Keller is always the last to know anything, so he's doubly shocked when Lopresti tells him about both Papa Beecher's murder and Junior Beecher's parole. And with that, having successfully reached the precise one-quarter mark of the episode, The WaWa Pedal Of True Love Encaged warbles us into the next narrative interlude.
Which features, much to my delight, the return of Shirley Bellinger, who scores major points for being both Oz's creepiest inmate ever, and also a frequently-naked sop to the show's heterosexual male viewers. Bellinger blathers a bit more about our senses, pointing out that when one fails, another usually steps up to take its place. The camera goes cleverly out of focus when she talks about blindness, and when it comes back, we're in a close-up which shows the rope burns from her hanging around her neck. Ooh, spooky!
Another day in solitary, another reason to hate Officer Claire. I wonder if people flee in fear whenever they see Kristen Rohde on the street? I'm sure she's a very sweet person in real life, but frankly, the woman terrifies me. And what's even more scary is that if Diane Whittlesey represents Carmela Soprano in an alternate universe, it's also possible that Claire Howell represents a potential future for Claire Fisher. That's too depressing to even consider. In fact, the only thing that can cheer me up at this point is pretending that Robson was a stand-in for Mike Binder this week. Now THAT would be a happy ending! Anyway, Claire and her colleague discover that everyone in solitary has taken ill with the same sickness that struck Omar last week. We're even treated to a wholly gratuitous shot of Penders lying in a pool of his own vomit. Man, where's Mama Cass when you need her?