Episode Report Card Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Chain wallets and small potatoes
By Miss Alli | Season 3 | Episode 8 | Aired on 03.09.2005
Stephanie wears an incredibly dorky green newsboy cap (yes, really) later on as they meet with Fat Joe. Nothing says "street cred" like green newsboy caps, you know. And you'll never guess what happens! John jumps in, telling stories about his old days in musician-hood, blah blah blah. And no one cares, but this does not slow him down. Can you imagine John's life if he could read a room? What would he do with himself? Stephanie looks mortified, and she interviews about how he always wants to babble on about himself, which bores everyone, including the artists. Fat Joe makes some yabba-doo about people being able to stand on the edge of the stage and whatnot, and before you know it, John is on to Simple Plan (I DON'T KNOW, except they were on the Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed soundtrack, which is pretty prestigious). He's telling Simple Plan about this really cool idea of playing a house party. You can tell they think it's the dumbest thing they ever heard of, not to mention the least likely to bring in a lot of cash. One of the guys tries to tell John he thinks it's not a "unique" thing he's suggesting, and that's what would get the highest bid. Something special. Something tailored to the band. Like "Cup Bearer," but for fans of Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. For the second time, John ignores the artist basically asking to give something better, and says they'll go with what they have. "We're happy with anything!" John says. Wow, great negotiator. I'm going to him for my next used car. Stephanie interviews that she thought the ideas John had were totally boring, and she was "absolutely embarrassed." Well, sure. Except with that cap, I'm not sure she can really talk.
Night. Fuse TV. Magna is preparing to do its segment, hosted by Craig and Tana. Kendra, Alex, and Bren head off to the control room while Tana sits down to have her hair styled, and the word "MILF" is passed around again. Tana tells us that she was "going to be playing the hip card," as if such a thing were possible. Oh, and she explains "MILF" as "a Mother I'd Like to Fool around with." She laughs. Her teeth are fucking enormous. And I really don't care for the sanitized...well, the sanitized anything. It's like she doesn't want to be banned from Wal-Mart.
Before you know it, the cameras roll, and Craig, Tana, and some dweeby Fuse guy are sitting huddled up on a couch, talking earnestly to the internet bidders about the importance of giving money to this fine charity. Kendra watches from the control room. We watch Craig pimp the Lil Jon "experience," over a horribly cheeseball graphic of Lil Jon with your silhouette -- helpfully labeled "YOU" -- right beside him. Tana continues with her hip-hop routine, which does not make me happy at all, except in that it reminds me of possibly the funniest thing I have ever read in about six or seven years reading various recaps, which was, "Cognitive dissonance rocks my hizzy." In the control room, the more Tana talks about "tight" and "crib" and "crunk" and -- yes -- "hizzy," the harder Bren and Kendra laugh. Credibility, people. It's not just for breakfast anymore.