Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | 179 USERS: C YOU GRADE IT The Search for Phlox
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 16 | Aired on 2005.02.25
I'm not sure if it was watching Fred Durst's hacked limp bizkit or the fact that I'm using a brain on loan from thirteen-year-old Stacey who wants to be sure she gets it back before her party at the Roller Gardens next week, but this was undoubtedly one of the dirtiest hours of Enterprise I've ever experienced. I feel it's my duty to warn you that this recap is rated NC-17.
Last week, Reed doesn't spy hard enough.
The camera starts out unfocused and then sharpens as Quantum comes furrowing full-tilt down the corridor with two Uh-Ohs. Hey, where you rushing to, Mr. Crabby Pants? Got a crewmen to threaten? Got a throat to grab? Got a fanny to spank? He storms into the brig and angrily tells Reed that they have forty-seven minutes until the reactor breach because of the Klingon Trojan horse. Quantum says that he's been chewing the fat with Trip, who says he can restore Enterprise's sub-routines when Columbia rendezvouses with them in half an hour. The pickle is that they have to get Trip on board. Instead of chumming space with naked Vulcan CRACK WHORES, Reed ponders how you can't use the transporter at high warp. "Trip told me you have experience transferring personnel at warp speed," Quantum says. Reed protests that was only in training exercises at warp one and that they rehearsed for weeks. Are you going to cry again, Reed? Quantum says they don't have weeks and that T'Pol's working on the calculations necessary to merge the warp fields of the two ships. "Can you get Trip over here?" Quantum demands. Reed thinks and then nods, "You'll have to let me out of this brig." No, really?
It's been a long road
Thought I had escaped this song.
It's been a long time
But I'm forced to sing along.
And I have seen my fears all revived again
I will run and hide.
But it's not going to drag me back to hell
No it's not going to claim my mind.
'Cause I've got Post of the Road.
I'm going where the buzz will take me.
I've got Post of the Road
And I will drink all of it
I've got crates of the stuff
No one's going to shake or stir me
I can slam all the ale
I've got Post
I've got Post
Post of the Road.
Zoom! Enterprise goes through the screen. Zoom! Columbia goes through the screen. Zooooooom! The screen goes through and into Columbia. ZOOOOOOOOOOM! I shotgun my beer. Okay, that was sort of cool. Except that it took us to Cpt. Happy Pants and her Strobe Lights of Sex. "Commander Tucker, are you ready for this?" she asks, with slinky attitude. Because with her, I swear, everything's a come-on! Trip's on a catwalk in his EV suit and says he's ready as he'll ever be. Cpt. Happy Pants tells Quantum that they're getting ready to transfer Trip. Quantum informs Reed. Reed punches buttons.