Episode Report Card Keckler: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Quantum Leap of Faith of the Heart
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 26 | Aired on 05.21.2002
Captain's Quarters. Quantum, trussed up in his Blue Tick Underoos -- which I am thankful I don't have to look at again until September -- rubs Porthos's adorable head and informs him that it's "time for bed." As Porthos is already on his cushion, I'm not quite sure what else Quantum thought Porthos was preparing for. Maybe Quantum's waiting for the beagle to trot off and don his own set of Tick Underoos. Okay, I don't like dogs dressed in clothes, but wouldn't that be cute? Quantum clambers under the covers and sighs The Sigh Of The Great And Mighty World Bearers. In the dark, Quantum pats the bed and says, "Porthos -- up!" Pause. "What's a-matter, boy? Don't tell me you're --" Quantum switches on the light in a completely different room, where he's not wearing Tick Underoos anymore, 'cause he's bare-chested. Oh, boy.
He jumps out of bed to the window and throws back the curtain. "Hey, look! It's Coruscant," Mathra comments, brushing a knot of fur Hunca Munca fussed into Poppadum. Sure enough, pods and things are zipping about the skyscrapers in a futuristic San Francisco. I think Manimal's gonna be pissed about what they did to her apartment. And dude, those pods zipping about? They could hover next to your window and peer into your rooms! No, I'm not paranoid -- why do you ask? "Porthos!" Quantum breathes and fondles the pup. "What's going on here?" Something rings, and Quantum walks around the IKEA living room to answer it. "Sorry to call so late, Captain, but all three inspection pods are gettin' their weekly overhauls tonight. They tell me they won't be ready until noon, so I figgerd --" "You might want to sleep in," Quantum says with Trip. "What do you say to breakfast at nine-thirty, space-dock cafeteria?" Quantum asks, Furrowed Brow Of Quantum Leaping on his face. Breakfast at nine-thirty -- he calls that sleeping in? Come to my house, where we know what it means to sleep in. Trip tells him he was reading his mind, as he was about to suggest the exact same thing. Quantum tells him he'll see him in the morning, and clicks off. Quantum informs the empty space that if it's trying to tell him the last ten months were a dream, he's not buying that Newhart storyline. Neither am I -- it wasn't so much a dream as a nightmare.
As Porthos watches with interest, Quantum goes to a laptop and calls up a woman. "I.M.E., can I help you?" she asks. Quantum identifies himself and starts to reel off his clearance, but the woman interrupts him, telling him she knows who he is and asks how she can help. "Do you have a Denobulan doctor in the Inter-species Medical Exchange?" Quantum asks. "Yes, a Dr. Phlox. He's assigned to Starfleet Medical here in San Francisco. Would you like me to contact him for you?" the I.M.E. woman asks. Quantum says no thanks, and hangs up. He mutters aloud that he didn't even know of Phlox's existence before The Klang Incident. "And that was the day after the late-night call from Trip," Quantum muses. And that narrows it down? "You're not dreaming, Captain," comes a voice from the shadows as Daniels steps into the light. Was he watching Quantum from the shadows all this time? Because that's a little south of Extraordinarily Creepy on I-95. Daniels apologizes for Quantum's disorientation. Aw, he's used to it -- just bring in some Ziggy action and he'll be fine. Quantum speaks for the audience when he tells Daniels that Trip told him Silik killed him. "He did. In a manner of speaking," Daniels tells him, because time-travelers can never speak unless it's enigmatically. Wow. Déjà vu of unoriginality. I think I said that in "Cold Front." Daniels then tells him, somewhat understatedly, that they need to talk. He also says that "none of the other factions" can know about it. Apparently, in case the audience is as slow-witted as Quantum, it is Daniels who has brought Quantum back ten months in time. Quantum wants to know where the Jonathan Archer of ten months ago is, and Daniels tells him it's him, so Quantum wants to know where the Jonathan Archer who just climbed into bed wearing his spiffy Tick Underoos is; Daniels tells him it hasn't happened yet. Quantum tells him that's impossible, and Daniels snarks that he's had the same conversation half a dozen times. Wait, does that mean that he's had the same conversation with different people half a dozen times, or that he's brought Quantum back ten months ago half a dozen times to have this conversation? You know, there are so many ways I could ruthlessly pick apart this whole time-travel thing and compare it to how it's been presented in TOS or TNG episodes, but I'm not going to. No, instead I'm going to tear out my hair and mail it to Bermaga in an envelope. I'd much rather do that than think too hard about it -- plus, I don't want to go out and get a haircut because all hairdressers are employed by the government. Hairs are our aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly to the brain. That's why all bald men are uptight.