Episode Report Card M. Giant: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Husbands And Wives
By M. Giant | Season 6 | Episode 13 | Aired on 03.11.2007
On the other side of the table, Morris brings Chloe up to speed on the content of the lightning-quick meeting she just missed, including the news that Markov, not Kiefer, is the objective of the invasion. In case you missed it the first time.
Meanwhile, at the Consulate, the skinny, dark-haired Consulate guard who killed the beefy, blond one in the last hour is herding a restrained Kiefer down a stairwell to the basement. Kiefer pauses in shock when he sees Blondsky's corpse on the floor below, realizing that his message never got out. Dark & Skinny kicks and pistol-whips Kiefer down the last flight of stairs to fetch up against the body. The guard then takes his time dialing his cell phone to Markov's office, asking for confirmation that he should kill Kiefer. Because the Russian Consulate can't even afford a nurse, Markov is busy bandaging the stump of his own left pinky, and I don't see a drop of blood anywhere. What good is a cigar cutter that also cauterizes? That defeats the whole purpose. As for the stump itself, I assume it's in Markov's office minifridge. Watching on a security monitor, Markov tells Dark & Skinny to go ahead, and they'll just say that Kiefer killed Blondsky trying to escape. With Dark & Skinny's gun? Thinking that Kiefer's unconscious, Dark & Skinny is being incredibly sloppy and standing with his back to Kiefer, giving Kiefer an opportunity to ease Blondsky's belt from around his waist. Kiefer, this is no time to get amorous. Dark & Skinny hangs up, and then raises his gun to shoot Kiefer. But before he can do so, Kiefer whips the belt up and lassos Dark & Skinny's wrist, sending the gun flying and flipping Dark & Skinny himself ass-over-vodka-bottle onto the floor. As Markov watches from his office, Kiefer slowly manages to wriggle over to the dropped gun, grab it, and shoot the guard dead before he can come at him with his switchblade. Maybe the guard should have tried to race the wounded, tied, half-blown-up guy to the gun instead.
Markov gets on his walkie-talkie and tells his men to go find Kiefer in the basement. Kiefer is busy looting the corpse of his would-be killer, taking the switchblade for himself. That doesn't seem fair; most first-person shooters let you pick up a better weapon after you kill someone. Meanwhile, plainclothes guards and uniformed soldiers are running all over the place upstairs, weapons drawn. Having cut himself loose, Kiefer finds a file room in which to hide. It's especially ideal because it has a phone on the wall, and Kiefer, for some reason, didn't think to loot either Blondsky's or Dark & Skinny's cell phones. The more immediate problem is that, in seconds, guards are inside searching the room. They upset an obvious hiding spot, but Kiefer's not there, so they decide that the whole room is clear and vacate it entirely. Kiefer is of course perched high on a top shelf, because he's learned that nobody will ever think to look for him in a ceilingward direction. Out in the hallway, a young guard reports to Markov on his walkie-talkie that they haven't found Kiefer, but they've locked the whole place down and he isn't going anywhere. Not good enough for Markov, who doesn't even want Kiefer to be able to call out. He orders every phone line and DSL connection in the place shut off. Before that happens, I feel like I should tell any Consulate employees who are reading this recap how the episode is going to end so that they're not left hanging. But that will be the least of their problems. Catch you on the flip side, comrades.