Episode Report Card Amorgan: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Under Siege
By Amorgan | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.06.1999
Cut to Mr. Grant snitting down the stairs, with Sam trailing behind him. When they get to the bottom of the stairs, she says that she is sorry. He says that he is sorry, too. He stomps off. Smug Bitch slithers by and hisses, "Stop the press!" Then she slides away again. Sam turns to leave, then sees Brooke at her locker. The two of them stare at each other for a long minute. They both look super-congested. Poor girls. Something must be going around. I wonder if the school nurse has been alerted.
Cut to another craaazy sequence. This time it's Brooke, making dinner in fast motion like a mad marionette. BUT when she goes to light the candles on the table, she whips out a lighter with the flame turned up way too high, and the motion turns mysteriously, dramatically slow. For. No. Apparent. Reason.
And then the candles have burned halfway down, and dinner is almost over. Sam's mom gives Brooke a very nice compliment on the pork chops. Sam rolls her eyes. Brooke's dad (henceforth known as Dad) says to Sam's mom (yep, now called Mom), "You have a little something on your mouth." She stares at him blankly. Everything turns awkward. "I'll get it," he says, and walks over to her and gives her a big ol' tongue kiss. Man! That is the sweetest thing. Brooke and Sam both turn away in disgust. After returning to his seat, Dad says, "This is a nice family-style dinner in the kitchen. A guy could get used to this." Brooke agrees that it was nice, then says it reminds her of a show like The Brady Bunch or Diff'rent Strokes, or one of those other "families in turmoil thrown together" shows. (Ha ha. Very post-modern, guys. Now quit it.) "But," Brooke continues, "those shows always got cancelled because one of the kids robbed a dry-cleaner's to pay for his drug habit." Sam smirks at this. Both parents gulp their wine and press forward bravely. Mom asks Brooke which of the girls Brooke identifies with. Sam butts in and says that Brooke is obviously a Marcia. I think that this a nice thing to say; I loved Marcia. But Brooke seems insulted, declaring herself a Jan. Dad asks Sam which girl she most identifies with. Brooke takes the reins on this one and says, "Judging by your outfit, I'd say you were Alice." Ouch! Score one for Brooke. Strangely enough, Sam also declares herself a Jan. Could it be that these ladies are secretly just alike? I dare not believe it. ("Anvil alert!" -- Sars) Dad announces that he's going to bus the dishes, and remarks on the fact that Sam hardly touched anything on her plate. Sam says it's because she's a vegetarian. Mom asks her when she started being a veggie, and she says, "Since I took my first bite of those pork chops." The girls glare daggers. Night on Bald Mountain plays for the rest of the scene. Mom says Brooke's dessert smells terrific, and Brooke says pointedly that it was her mother's recipe. Then Dad asks Sam how school was today. Sam says it was fine, except for the part when she found out that her journalism teacher was being framed for sex with a student, "That student being me." Mom spits out her wine in surprise. Sam clarifies, "But I'm innocent, as is Mr. Grant. Nothing happened. Brooke here just decided to get back at me for writing my editorial and made the whole thing up." Brooke tells Sam that Sam is only looking for scapegoats for her own problems, and that she needs therapy. Dad, in an awkward attempt to normalize this freaky situation, asks Sam if she's having some problems at school that she'd like to discuss. Oh, right, Dad. Sam snaps that it's none of his business. Mom says Sam needs to take a more respectful tone. Sam excuses herself from the table and runs off to wander the halls of the McQueen mansion. The parents look at each other in rank dismay, and I breathe a sigh of relief that this tense scene is over.
This next scene has a cringe factor of at least eight, if not higher. Cut to Sam, snooping around in Brooke's bedroom. She opens Brooke's closet, takes out one of Brooke's dresses, and holds it up in front of her. What an idiot! I bet Mom is one of those hippie moms who didn't teach her any sense of boundaries or manners. Brooke busts her (duh) and snatches the dress out of her hands. She re-hangs it in the closet, asking, "What are you doing, Sam? Spying on me? Looking for more filthy dirt for your editorials?" Sam has the lame come-back that she was just looking at Brooke's nice things and thinking of all the people at school who have nothing but their pride: "Every day you chip away at that, Brooke." I am so embarrassed for Sam right now -- she is such an asshole! Brooke doesn't buy it and tells Sam to put away her mental tape measure, because neither of the McPherson women are moving into her house. Sam says that her dad died, and that her mother loved him very much. She asks if Brooke's mom died, too. When Brooke replies that her mother left, Sam observes that "with a daughter like you, it's easy to see why." Brooke bitch-slaps Sam, and then they both stand there crying. Since almost every scene ends with someone running out of the room, I am all ready for Sam to take off. But, strangely, Brooke is the lucky snitter here, even though it's her bedroom. As usual, Sam is left standing with her stupid pie-hole hanging wide open.