Episode Report Card Demian: A- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT The Three Faces Of Phoebe
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 14 | Aired on February 13, 2002
If I told you I was watching a glistening, half-naked man with a long, blunt weapon approaching a Benedictine monk from the rear while the closed captioning read, "[grunts]," "[breathing heavily]," and "[man chanting in a foreign language]," you'd think I was watching some bizarre European gay bondage video, right? Oh, admit it. You would. And you'd be wrong. It's simply the opening shot of tonight's episode. Cole porn for the masses, if you will. Well, Cole porn, if Cole were a set of identical twins who do man-on-man S&M videos for the rent money. So Cole, half-naked, glistening, grunting, breathing heavily, and wagging a big old sword around, enters a chamber half-lit by an unseen source of red light. Gripping that sword of his with both hands, he silently approaches a cowled, chanting figure. Just as Cole prepares to plunge the weapon into the monk, the monk calls, "Wait!" Because, you see, the task at hand would be so much easier if the monk removed his robes first. The monk turns around and lowers the hood of his cowl, and it's Cole again, all sharp bone structure and pouty lips. "You don't really want to hurt me, do you?" simpers Cole The Second. Well, I suppose that depends on what's meant by "hurt" in this context. "But how?" pants Cole The First. The Second's answer is a mighty bitch-slap that sends The First tumbling backwards through the air to land on the sandy floor on his back. Two tops, battling for dominance. So sad. You think they'd be a little more versatile. "We're one now," The Second states, slowly approaching the prone First. "I'm reborn within you." Kinky. And narcissistic. "I'll fight it -- I'll kill us both if I have to," promises The First, being coy in that porn way where the gym bunny claims he doesn't want it until the point where he really, really does want it after all. Or something like that. Cole The First continues, "I won't let you hurt Phoebe." Who? Sorry, it's just that Cole has more chemistry with himself than he ever does with her. "You won't have a choice," notes The Second, plunging the sword into The First's body at some point well south of his navel. Cole The First screams, and...
...wakes up in his own bed in the Bimbo Boudoir. He's still sweaty, shirtless, and panting, only this time Phoebe's snoozing away at his side. He gasps a few more times before flinging the covers off of his legs into a wipe that takes us to the opening credits.
"Chaderm DEMARCH MARCHED RACHMED ACHDERM HARDMED ARCHEMD RACHEDM EDCHEMA CHMARED CHAREMD CHARMED." Yep. Still the same. What? It was a short pre-credits sequence. I was bored