Episode Report Card Demian: N/A | 104 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Twerk Like There's Nobody Watching
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 5 | Aired on 11.14.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.In Ohio: After Single-T Tina captures an especially embarrassing video of Dreamboat Blaine twerking in the choir room, Mr. Schue decides to train all the children on the finer points of the latest dance craze to sweep the nation in the deeply misguided belief that this will give The New New Directions the edge they need to defeat Throat Explosion at Nationals. Naturally, Principal Sylvester has numerous problems with this, and she takes to the airwaves of western Ohio to decry what she sees as the latest in a very long line of filthy assaults on good old American decency, promising to ban for all time this particular brand of lewd and suggestive wiggling at McKinley High. Things escalate rather quickly from there -- as one would expect -- but Will somehow manages to get the school board on his side, so it would seem he's won yet another round of his never-ending feud with Sue, right?
Not so fast. While all that was happening, a bunch of mouthbreathers repeatedly threatened Unique with physical violence, primarily due to the fact that she's been forced to use the boys' bathroom all this time. In a cold-bloodedly calculating move I'm not entirely certain I find acceptable, Principal Sylvester decides to exploit this issue in order to force Mr. Schue's hand, and in exchange for a promise from Will never to incorporate twerking into anything he does ever again, Sue agrees to grant Unique access to the faculty's private facilities during school hours. Not sure what message Sue's trying to send, there, but I probably shouldn't care, because God knows they're never going to address this storyline again.
In New York: The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway convinces St. Gay Of Lima that they've fallen into a rut as of late, so they suck down a couple of limoncellos and go get tattoos. Hijinks ensue, naturally, but the two emerge from the experience having learned A Very Important Lesson About Themselves, so good for them. I think.
In Other News: More stupid relationship crap.
Featuring "You Are Woman, I Am Man" from Funny Girl, as performed by The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and Horatio Hornblower; Robin Thicke's repellent "Blurred Lines," as performed by Mr. Schue and a variety of supposedly underage teenagers; Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy," as rather touchingly performed by Urethra Franklin; the inevitable "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus, as performed by a heartsick Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel; and "On Our Way" by The Royal Concept, as performed by the children of The New New Directions.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!As "Came To Party" by Kanary Diamonds grooves along on the soundtrack, the camera staggers woozily through the darkened and empty school hallway until it lands upon a halfway-open door, through which it peeps to find the blissfully unaware Dreamboat Blaine popping his booty whilst rearranging the chairs in the music room. Somewhere behind the camera, Single-T Tina giggles, then calls out, "What are you doing?" Instantly mortified -- as well he should be -- Blaine charges towards both Tina and us, frantically screaming "Get out of here!" while pushing us all backwards through...
...the screen on Single-T Tina's product-placed smartphone. As most of the other children huddle around her up in the cheap seats on what I'm guessing is the following afternoon, Tina rewinds to the beginning of the clip so they all might point and laugh at Dreamboat Blaine's moment of abject humiliation some more. Naturally, Mr. Schue suddenly decides to drag a teachable moment out of all this, and he falsely claims, "This is nothing to be embarrassed about!" before noting, "Look at how you're all riveted by that video -- that's the kind of reaction we need from the judges if we're gonna one-up Throat Explosion at Nationals!" Yeah, whatever, Schue. "We need to edge-up our America's Sweetheart image a little bit," he continues, ignoring me as is his wont as he adds, "Show the judges that we're not afraid to rebel!" Of course, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel raises one of her meek little hands to point out that some of the children present might not be all that adept at popping it like it's hot, so Mr. Schue grandly promises them all something he's calling a "twerk-torial" right after we all make it through this evening's title card.
April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. The children have gathered on the stage for the abovementioned tutorial, and as Miss Amani wonders who's on her rocket over on the soundtrack, Pretty Kitty and New Puck put The New New Directions' "basic bitches" through the latter's paces. It should surprise no one to learn that Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel is especially awkward during the lewd wiggling that follows, but that's not important right now because we've just caught sight of Principal Sylvester lurking in the shadows of the lighting booth on the far side of the auditorium. Principal Sylvester eyes the stupidity now transpiring down on the stage for a moment or two and scowls mightily before she tightly purses her lips and stalks off out of the frame. Dun-dun-DUN!