Episode Report Card Keckler: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bye, Bye, Trekkie
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.12.2005
After Britney asks if we can handle her truth, which...no, we really can't, May-Au-Revoir switches to manual control. "At this speed?" Reed flips. They're out of options. May-Au-Revoir wraps two hands around the joystick and wrestles them in. The CCC hits Mars' arctic wasteland and explodes with magnificent effects. The sh'pod shoots the snow-drenched curl and gets the hell out of the way. "Well, that was fun," Reed groans, "let's never do it again." May-Au-Revoir and Quantum grin because nausea is NEAT!
Trip is tossed into a cell. As soon as he's left alone, oddly chosen '80s Casio-toned music plays while Trip actually MacGyvers the door open using -- I kid you not -- a ballpoint pen from his belt and some spit.
Outside, we get a nice view of a monument with "Carl Sagan Memorial Station" plaqued on it. Next to the monument is the rover Sojourner from the Pathfinder Mission. I guess we can all assume that's the original landing site of the Pathfinder craft back in the late nineties. The whole area is surrounded by a short fence like it's a national monument on the highway that my parents would undoubtedly insist on stopping at in order to videotape my sisters and me reading the plaque aloud while my father pelted us with trivia questions. The sh'pod zips overhead and lands on a ridge. Outside the sh'pod and in their thermal suits, goggles, and oxygen masks, Reed shouts that it's the thirty-second planet he's set foot on. Phlox chuckles and says that Mars makes two hundred forty-eight for him. Reed slumps. Phlox is always the shit. They head for the Frickin' Laser Beam.
Random Task 2 drags T'Pol to see Dr. Evil RoboCreep. "I'm told you had something to say to me," Dr. Evil RoboCreep drawls, doing that rude thing all evil people do of talking without turning around. When T'Pol insists they speak in private, Dr. Evil RoboCreep simps that he keeps no secrets from his men. "You and I both know that's not true," T'Pol says pointedly. Seriously, I'm sure he never told them about the luge lessons, meat helmets, or shaved testicles. Dr. Evil RoboCreep finally turns around and asks Random Task 2 to give them the room. Random Task 2 menaces that he'll be just outside. Once they're alone, T'Pol says, "My daughter's ill. You will arrange for medical care at once." Dr. RoboCreep refuses. "You will provide immediate transport for my child, Commander Tucker, and myself. The hospital at Utopia Colony will be suitable until Enterprise arrives," T'Pol commands him. Dr. Evil RoboCreep smiles and says, "What -- have you been inhaling the atmosphere?" No, just CRACK, but not so much in this episode. Dr. Evil RoboCreep wonders what makes her think she can order everyone around. "This," T'Pol says, grabbing at Dr. Evil RoboCreep's hand and shaking it. What? Oh, I see -- she's not shaking it, it's just shaking. By itself. Okay. I'm up to speed now. T'Pol explains that Dr. Evil RoboCreep has Taggart's Syndrome and is receiving Rigellian gene therapy as treatment for it. Just in case the Hitler's Mother Was a Jew anvil didn't goosestep high enough for us, T'Pol says, "The very thing you're warning humans to avoid is what's keeping you alive -- alien knowledge, freely shared. You're not only a terrorist, you're a hypocrite." Yes, he's a terrocrite. Or hyporist. And it makes him sound like a new beastie in Harry Potter and the Demons of Terra Prime. Pre-order your copy now! You know you did.
Dr. Evil RoboCreep paces and randomly quotes, "'This is not the time for timidity and second guessing we can't afford to doubt ourselves.'" T'Pol leans across the desk and says, "Colonel Green also said: 'to be human is to be pure.'" This Colonel didn't really have a lot of original stuff to say, did he? I mean, I really don't think any of those should make it into Bartlett's Evil Quotations. T'Pol reminds us all that Col. Green would have had Dr. Evil RoboCreep euthanized. But only after he killed him with the lead pipe in the conservatory. Dr. Evil RoboCreep heils the Hitler Was A Jew anvil as he announces that he wasn't the only "significant leader" not to live up to his own ideal. "You're not SIGNIFICANT!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Okay, so I was wrong earlier -- she's inhaling shit. Dr. Evil RoboCreep shouts that history will give him his due, and invites T'Pol to go tell his followers about his nasty little alien habit -- they aren't likely to take her word over his. Dr. Evil RoboCreep asks what's wrong with Baby Tri'Pol. "Elevated white blood cell count, low-grade fever," T'Pol responds. "Well, its two HALVES are WARRING with each other," Dr. Evil RoboCreep retorts, obviously confusing the baby with a black and white cookie. T'Pol is taken back to her cell while Dr. Evil RoboCreep gets off a parting shot about the baby and the Coalition of Planets being doomed (DOOMED!) from the beginning.