Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I Left My Communicator In San Francisco
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.12.2002
Cellblock Furrow. In an open area with a public gallows and lots of Rubbermaid barrels, the Butthead Nazis try out the phase pistol on the first setting. After getting used to the minor destructive force of "stun," they crank it up a notch and kill a wooden crate. The major explosion freaks them into having funny, okay-that-was-scary-but-I'm-cool looks on their faces. They discuss the Alliance having such advanced weaponry that they thought only existed In Theory. "Our Alliance friends seemed to have turned theory into reality," General Butthead Nazi tells Second Butthead In Command. When he says "friends," I really don't think he's being sincere. The Dr. Butthead Nazi enters to give the General the reports of the physicals he gave Reed and Quantum. He hands over some X-rays, which General Butthead Nazi checks out and asks, "How is this possible?" Dr. Butthead Nazi tells him the only explanation is that Reed and Quantum are another species.
Official-Looking Room In Cellblock Furrow. "Dr. Temec tells me your deformities are not the work of a surgeon. He found no obvious incisions or scar tissue. You're even more abnormal on the inside -- a redundant renal organ and you're missing four thoracic vertebrae." Yes, yes, an extra kidney and red blood and stuff -- why does this type of Inner Workings Of Trek Characters seem familiar? Oh, right -- because they ALREADY DID IT WITH SPOCK ON TOS! The fact that they reversed it to make the humans seem to be the "abnormal" ones doesn't make it any more original. The floor of UPN's offices must be stankier than Glamour's ladies' room, what with all the regurgitation going on. General Butthead Nazi pulls out a picture of the sh'pod hanging over their planet and says that Dr. Butthead Nazi has a theory about where they came from -- one which he found difficult to believe until he saw that paparazzi shot. "Can you explain?" the General asks. The Doctor tells them that none of the other planets in their system are capable of supporting life, and wants to know where they come from. "Our scientists tell me it's unlikely that a craft of this size could have traveled from another star system. They suspect a larger ship must be somewhere nearby, perhaps orbiting our planet," General Butthead Nazi says. Quantum says nothing, so the General grabs him, shakes him around a bit, demands to know his orders and if he's sending postcards to the Alliance, and punches him in the gut. In the interest of preserving a directive he hasn't penned yet, Quantum wheezes, "Our intelligence reports underestimate you, General." Then Quantum fake chuckles and looks at Reed, who bites his lip gloss to keep from singing, "Liar, liar, pants on fire. Furrow got caught in a telephone wire!" "Alien creatures," Quantum continues, "you're even more delusional than we thought. This isn't a spaceship. It's suborbital -- a highly experimental aircraft. We've been observing your territory for months." Quantum technobabbles away some more of the General's questions. "And your biological anomalies?" Dr. Butthead Nazi says, getting into the game. Reed speaks up: "We've been genetically enhanced." The General wants to know how enhanced they are. Well, since T'Pol's not there, I guess it's not immediately obvious. Reed explains, "Our immune systems are resistant to chemical and biological weapons and our internal organs have been modified to increase cellular regeneration by thirty percent. That way our wounds can heal more quickly." He's just having a ball with this Tall Tale Telling, isn't he? "Create the perfect soldier," Second Butthead Nazi In Command states. The General wants to know how many there are of them, and Quantum tells him that they and their toys are the only ones -- the prototypes. General Butthead Nazi orders them taken back to their cell. After they've left the room, the General asks Dr. Butthead Nazi and Second Butthead Nazi In Command if they believe the lies people tell. The Doc thinks it's plausible. "The Alliance could have thousands of soldiers with these mutations," Second Butthead In Command hypothesizes. The General wants to be able to verify what Reed and Quantum lied their wee-woes off about, and the Doc reiterates that he ran every possible test in the book. "If I were to extract the organs...I could study them in more detail," Doctor Butthead Nazi supposes his toeses are roses. "You be in charge of the execution," General Butthead Nazi tells his Second In Command. "I'll inform the prisoners." Why bother telling them?
Bridge. Hoshi tells T'Pol she's intercepted a message that conveniently lets them know Reed and Quantum have been captured as enemy spies and are on death row. T'Pol sucks her lips together.