Episode Report Card Omar G: B- | 1 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT I'm Your Firestarter!
By Omar G | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.29.2001
Kent Farm. We know this because the high, unnecessary crane shot pans down to reveal a wood sign: Kent Farm. If I were a Kent and I owned a farm, I'd at least have a more clever name for it. Like, "Kentfucky." Or "The Highly Kent-agious Organic Produce Farm and Karaoke Tavern." ["I'd call mine 'Kent Stop the Music.'" -- Wing Chun] Inside the barn, where Clark was raised, Bo Duke is working on yet another farming implement. I have yet to see him do a lick of farming (there's that "lick" again), but he's always trying to fix some piece of crap-ass equipment. Bo, I think you need to invest in some warranties next time you buy your tractors. He's asking why Clark joined the football team. Clark whines that the Coach didn't give him a choice. "Did he give you the 'be your own man' speech?" Bo Duke booms, with his even-boomier-than-usual Coach imitation. Bo Duke jokes about the Coach, but says that Clark will just have to go and say he can't play. "Dad. Please don't make me do that," Clark begs. The less said about this line, even within context, the better. Clark Superwhines that he can be careful, and that Bo Duke just doesn't trust him. Bo warns that if Clark gets angry even for a second or tries to do some fancy moves to impress a girl (or Lex), their world could come crashing down. "You were meant for much more important things than winning football games," Bo says. He gives Clark the bit about how he's just happy to have a son who wakes up in the morning, even if it's four feet above the bed. And that he doesn't need to live vicariously through his son. Oops. "Why would you?" Clark asks, "You got to play." Check. Mate. Bo says he is signing no permission slip. Clark openly defies his old man by saying he's playing regardless. "You can't stop me," he says. And he means that literally.
Stately Luthor Manor. Three bookish-looking business guys are waiting for Lex to come in. One of them looks just like Robert Downey Jr. when he was in Soapdish. Lex comes in with a little towel around his neck, and a purple shirt. He calls the guys the "three wise men." One of them is named Dominic. I kid you not. One of the businessmen says that he assumes Lex is late because he's been fencing or has taken up polo again. It's hard being rich, y'all. Lex -- drinking a very fey blue bottle of very expensive water -- says he's not late because he cancelled the meeting, "if you'll recall." As Blond Businessman lectures Lex about keeping the meeting on his father's orders, Lex wraps his lips around that big bottle and takes a big, deep gulp. Would that I were exaggerating. "And when he barks, you jump," Lex says of his father, and I'm not sure, but I think they're still talking about business. Blond Business Ambition asks whether Lex has seen the quarterly numbers. Yes, he has. They're 20% below projections. Lex agrees that he's going to have to take drastic action. During this exchange, he grabs a pool cue off the wall and starts blue-chalking the end of it. Could there be any more phallic things for Lex to grab and play with in this scene? He's going to get a cucumber out of the fridge and start blowing it before it's all over. Blond Businessman says that he assumes Lex will be cutting 20% of his workforce. I may not know much about business, but having revenues or earnings 20% below projections doesn't necessarily equal 20% of a company's workforce. They just like the number twenty, those rascally Smallville writers. "On the contrary," Lex says slyly. Instead, he plans to increase his workforce by 20%. Lex leans over the red pool table and aims for a shot. Blond Business thinks this is some kind of joke. I think his little blond wussy goatee is some kind of joke. Lex counters that they need to spend money to make money, and that they should corner the market while their competitors retreat. How many fertilizer-industry competitors are there in Kansas? Blond Business invokes Lex's dad's wishes, but Lex is right there, getting in his face, saying that his father would rather surround himself with mindless drones than someone who challenges his "archaic business practices." You go, Lex! "Now. This meeting is adjourned!" Lex says, but not before waving his cue stick around menacingly. Lex gives Blond Business a little smiley look, and as the guy is on his way out, Lex says, "Oh, by the way, Dominic. Tell your sister I said hi." Blond Business, who has his back to Lex, stands still and looks as if somebody just stole a kidney from him. He turns around, gives Lex an angry look, and leaves. Lex just sits on the edge of the table, both hands on the pool cue.
An exterior shot of Lana's house from a strange sideways angle, and then we're in her bedroom, where at least three stalkers are watching from outside. Lana is folding her cheerleading sweater. A knock on the door. Nasty Nell is there. She's wearing her hair shoulder-length and straight and has on a tight purple top. She looks like she's trying very hard to be Teri Hatcher, but without all the withering. We haven't seen Nasty Nell since the pilot, and she sounds like she's got something in her mouth. Did she just visit Lionel Luthor? Lana tells her that she's quitting the cheerleading squad. "You loved being on the squad!" Nell says, suddenly concerned. Lana tells her there's more to life than cheerleading, and that she's upset about the cheating scandal. There's a disturbing lingering shot in which Lana bends over to put a box in the closet, and the composition makes her ass the focus of the scene. In the foreground, half of Nasty Nell's ass is in the frame, too. The camera is at ass-level. This is the Ass Shot. Nell leans her ass further into the shot and sits down. Thus ends the ass-fetish shout-out. Nasty Nell tells Lana that there are advantages to being a cheerleader. Lana says that she doesn't want to go back, and that she wants to try different things. She says she wants to get a job -- something part-time, so that she can have money to travel in the summer. Nell offers her a job at her flower shop. Lana says thanks, but no thanks. She wants to do this on her own. Nell looks a little hurt, but proud. And nasty.