Episode Report Card Pamie: D | 3 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Buried Pleasures
By Pamie | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 10.31.1999
This begins the time-old discussion about why it's okay for a woman to kiss another woman, but not for a man to kiss another man. Fish begins this explanation, which seems to be just another FCC triumph for David E. Kelley: "Well, uh, in strict anthropological terms, mankind is all about the propagation of the species. Without procreation, uh, mankind would become extinct. To facilitate procreation the male species must become aroused. Watching two women take their tongues to each other arouses the male species which fosters the urge to procreate and accordingly insures the survival, uh, of the human race. To the contrary, watching two butt-pirates go at it could, uh, make a man go limp for a week. The species becomes threatened." Ling says she considers herself "pretty homophobic" but what he just said was "disgusting." He says she should blame him for anthropology. She says she's worried about dreaming lesbian thoughts and then acting on them. He says if she did he'd be there for her, watching, touching himself. She slaps him and says if she "turns gay" it'll be his loss. He tells her that she's never found her to be ambiguous about her sexuality. "Ambidextrous, maybe." She slaps him a few more times and his gay spoon flops around as he giggles about the whole thing because he's a gay man. Ling stomps off.
We immediately cut to a commercial about Stephanie Seymour discussing desire while showing us her Miracle Bra'ed boobies so that I am confused about whether I want a new bra or to stick my heterosexual face in her perfect, perfect boobies. Cut to a Sesame Street commercial so I feel both sexually confused and ashamed. I'm so sorry, Ernie and Bert. Wait. Aren't they...? We finish with a Jennifer Love Hewitt commercial which reinforces my non-girlie-kissing ways and I am back to being a straight girl just in time to get back to "haunting erotica."
Ling storms into Nelle's office to tell her she thinks she's "going gay." Nelle pretty much dismisses this whole train of thought and laughs that Ling thinks she's the only one with racy sexual fantasies. I don't have to type "LTR" or "LTL" in this scene because these are two talented actresses who know how to make eye contact and use their props appropriately. Ling gets Nelle to spill a secret fantasy of hers. Nelle confesses that she's always fantasized about being spanked. Ling is outraged. Nelle says she'd never act on it. She doesn't want to be victimized or dominated by men, but she read a book a long time ago called Spank the Maid and she's pretty much had that fantasy ever since. I know what you're going through, Nelle. Mine was Endless Love. Nelle says "titillating," so I know somewhere David called someone at FCC and asked, "Can she say, 'I love your tit?'" and they said no, so he cleverly disguised it in an adjective. Nelle tells Ling that it's not really so submissive because in certain circles "the bottom" is in control by saying how hard, when to stop..."Is there a newsletter?" Ling asks. Nelle tells Ling she'd never do it, since Ling is still making a squirmy face. But of course, she continues talking about how great it would be to be spanked so that John can walk up to the door in a classic Three's Company fashion and hear, "Spank me! Woom! Woom! Woom! Right on my white little bottom. Till it turns pink." John doesn't put his fist in his mouth like Lenny or Squiggy would, but you can see he wants to.