Episode Report Card Pamie: C+ | 2 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Jess Is Dumb
By Pamie | Season 2 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.29.2002
Aw, shit, y'all. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington is now a principal. He's called Luke into his office to discuss how horrible a student Jess is. Jess's last name is Mariano, for those of you who care. All one of you. ["Douche Rob from the latest season of Survivor is also a Mariano, and since Douche Rob is from Boston, not far from Stars Hollow, I like to think he could be Jess's cousin or something. Then you could say doucheliness runs in the family." -- Wing Chun] Luke asks whether everything's okay, since he didn't see any cop cars or fire trucks outside. Freddie tells Luke to have a seat. Luke sits and asks what Jess has done. He notes the thick folder Freddie's thumbing through, and since he got a call to come over, he wants to know what Jess has done. Freddie tells him, "Nothing." Jess hasn't done any homework, classwork, or tests. Maybe Freddie can get Epstein to write him a note from Epstein's mother. Freddie complains about Jess's attitude, and that it can range from indifferent to hostile. Also, all the baseballs have disappeared from the school. Luke scoffs that Jess could steal all of those baseballs. Luke already knows that Jess is a random petty thief. Maybe he's making an awesome sculpture of gnomes, ladders, hoses, and baseballs. Luke says he'll check when he gets home. Freddie says he'd just like to focus on Jess's grades for now. Jess is failing, and will have to be held back a year. Luke says he's not good at school and won't be able to help Jess study. Freddie tells Luke to get him a relative or someone to help tutor Jess. Luke says he's the smartest one in the family. Freddie suggests a tutor. Aren't these things that Luke can figure out on his own? Freddie is pulling the acting chops we haven't seen since the "Gimme Drugs" very special episode of Welcome Back, Kotter. Luke says he'll figure something out. Freddie reminds him to check on those baseballs. He says they've been using tennis balls for the past few weeks. "Very different results," he says. Ha.
Diner. Lorelai crosses Fletch and Urban Cowboy off her list. Now there are only seventy-five possibilities. Lorelai suggests a Woodstock-esque movie weekend where they show one after another for three days and charge insane amounts of money for bottled water. Cardigan Man shows up to give Lorelai a giant book of possible movie titles. Lorelai can only pick from this book because movies are expensive and this company gives Stars Hollow a good deal. Lorelai can't believe they can only pick a movie from that book. Cardigan Man says it's fun. He shows her that they have the titles of the movies on one side of the page, and descriptions of the movies on the other. Such as: "Arctic Flight -- Man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy. Love story develops with pilot and schoolteacher. Eskimos do tribal dance." Lorelai accuses Cardigan Man of making this up. "Don't I wish," Cardigan Man jokes. He excuses himself and says he can't wait to see what they come up with. Rory reads off the description of a shark movie. Lorelai reads a description of an industrial film warning kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. That one sounds like fun, actually. Rory reads one about a mom dying of gas asphyxiation. Lorelai reads one about an ice skater falling in love with his hired help. She says now she knows how Snow Dogs got made. Luke comes back into the diner and asks if they've seen Jess. Rory says she thinks she saw him go upstairs. Luke goes upstairs. Wow.