Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zodiac Killers
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.11.2006
Previously on God Bless Les Moonves, it wassss raining outsssside the night the Retard'ssss ssssisssster wassss taken, the lisssspy Bimbo found a sssstrange ssssymbol in Chrissssty'ssss diary, Raige dropped the bitchcraft bomb on Darling Henry's fuzzy head, the Dolt got Dolt-popped, Piper freaked about her big hard icy Doltsicle, and Phoebe was of no use to anyone.
Currently on This Shit Is So Cancelled And I For One Could Not Be Happier About That, the camera fades up to circle around a length of ivory carved -- vaguely Chinese-style -- into the shape of a serpent. The thing hangs suspended in mid-air in some otherworldly forest clearing while the words "ONE YEAR AGO" appear on the bottom of the screen. The camera then quickly swirls up and out for an overhead shot, revealing that the ivory serpent's hovering behind a sextet of red-robed Asian gentlemen who have, with hands outstretched, thrown up a pinkish protective barrier of shimmery, glowing mojo, against which a torrent of Flaming Balls Of Death explode. The source of the FBOD storm is a group of seven darkly garbed dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, who stand on the opposite side of the clearing from the Asian gentlemen, separated from the latter by a familiar little wooden bridge. Way to recycle five-year-old sets in light of the current budgetary crisis afflicting your show, guys. After more than a dozen FBODs sizzle out harmlessly against the Asian gentlemen's mojo bubble, the demon's apparent leader -- a rather attractive twentysomething British stage actor by the name of Julian Ovenden who's starred in successful Sondheim revivals at The Donmar Warehouse, and who must therefore fire his current agent if Charmed is the best the bastard can book for him on this side of the Atlantic -- calls out, "Enough!" and gets a little pouty. Aw. The Asian gentlemen allow their shield to drop, and their apparent leader -- who has a golden rooster silk-screened onto the front of his robe -- steps forward to gloat, "Each year you try, and each year you fail. Wresting the staff from sacred hands is the goal of a fool, Novak." And difficult though it may be for me, I shall resist referring to Julian Ovenden's character as "Madeleine," "Mildred," "Lola," or "Polly The Pistol." In any event, one of Kentucky Fried Chicken's colleagues -- this one with a golden dog adorning his robe -- shuffles to his side to add, "And we will always protect The Eternal Cycle. You should know that by now." Novak instantly snots back, "Except to do that, you have to be lucky every year. To get it, I only have to be lucky once!" And with that, he wings one last Flaming Ball Of Death around the Asian gentlemen's group and into a piece of yellow silk that had been dangling from a frame at the far end of the clearing. The FBOD explodes violently, engulfing in flames a symbol that had been painted in red on the thing -- a symbol several on the boards have since identified as a more-or-less accurate rendition of the Chinese character for "eternity." Novak sneers a bit and squiggles out with his henchdemons as KFC and Doberman glare. The camera focuses on the blazing pennant for a moment before cross-fading to...
...a series of time-lapse shots, first of a nighttime corner in San Francisco's Chinatown, followed by early morning traffic at the Golden Gate Bridge's Art-Deco tollbooths, before finally landing on the Manor's façade. "Did you give this to me last year?" Phoebe shrieks from inside, and I already want to kill her, even though I haven't actually seen her yet this evening. Bitch. The camera ducks inside the house and up into the nonexistent attic, where Piper's futzing around with the copper potions pot in the center of the room as Phoebe enters a-yodeling from the upper stairs with something electronic in her bony hands. "Or did I give this to you?" Phoebe continues, crossing towards Piper's side. By the way, the words "PRESENT DAY" have barged in at the bottom of the screen, just so you know. Piper, who'd been completely ignoring her shrill hag of a sister, eventually spins around when Phoebe issues a harsh whistle. "Hey!" Piper growls upon catching sight of the electronic thing in Phoebe's bony hands. "That's my TiVo! You can't take that!" I think you should deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent on her worthless ass just for trying, Piper. Go ahead. You know you want to. She ignores me. Piper always ignores me. "I'm not taking," Phoebe smirks, "I'm asking -- and are you sure it's yours? 'Cause it has all my season passes on it." I so do not want to know what Phoebe's season passes are for -- I'm terrified at the possibility of discovering she watches the same shows I do, you see, because if that were the case, I'd have to kill myself. You understand.