Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 19 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT The Jake Of Nobody
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.07.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Duncan Carlisle, between posing and making Blue Steel at everybody, indiscreetly drops Ellen a clue that he has a daughter named Soy-Soy who is having an art fair at school today. With some quick thinking, the Sanderses are able to figure out where and when this is happening without the terrorists finding out what they're doing, and then Ellen kidnaps herself away to the art fair so she can be a supercreeper with Soy-Soy.
Meanwhile, Duncan is so super busy because the President has decided that he's had enough of Ellen's ghetto hospital because of the nurse that tried to kill him and then killed herself about it, so he decides to get a man doctor. This causes an immediate burn notice on Duncan, who only saves himself through parkour, and then he takes Quentin Creasy's family hostage for a minute so he'll fix it and they can go back to only having Ellen's family hostage, because not even Duncan Carlisle has infinite hostage-taking powers.
Quentin does a bunch of spin-doctor stuff that's kind of cool to watch, as he tells everybody different things so they will fight each other, and then gives an idealistic journalist of color the scoop that the President is feeling elitist and doesn't want to go to Ellen's incompetent and deadly hospital for his surgery. That way he can take the lamestream leftist libtard media to task when the President decides he was just kidding and in fact is totally cool with poor people and their poor-people health care.
But then there is a double twist, because Maid Marian the FLOTUS is not having it, so Duncan -- just as she's returning from creeping on his kid -- makes Ellen go yell at the President and First Lady of the United States that they are jerks, and should let her be their doctor. Just like with the lie detector last week, that's literally all it takes. Once again, Duncan Carlisle is the magic feather that allows Ellen Sanders to win every situation by feeling strongly about her family.
Pickup Truck -- whom Duncan alone knows to have knocked up Daughter Morgan, his favorite Sanders -- visits the house to figure out why she's icing him out, so Duncan takes it upon himself to act very manly and fatherly. He thinks it's because he doesn't want people coming around the house, but obviously it is because he has Lima Syndrome and is destined to be in love with Ellen and be Morgan's dad one day, and this is just practice for that. The twist there is that Morgan takes it all out on Tater for being a shotgun Neanderthal dad, when honestly he doesn't care enough to even do that or think of doing that.
Case in point: When Jake comes to Tate begging for his drug money back, Tate thinks it would be better if he learned his lesson. Sandrine and Beardy Terrorist watch Jake get the ever-loving shit beat out of him in a parking lot, and Tate basically stands his ground, which was funny. But that night, while Ellen is comforting her weeping, torn-up son, Beardy goes on a nighttime visit to Nico the drug dealer, and beats him down thoroughly, because he feels connected to Jake. Duncan also refers to him as Soy-Soy's "uncle," but there's at least three possibilities for what that could mean.
We still don't know what is happening or why, what's going on with Duncan's wife that killing the President could possibly solve, who is pulling Quentin's strings or what Tater sees in his nasty-ass mistress Samantha, who is still going on and on about that gross trip to Miami she wants to take. But credit where it's due: Tate earns Ellen's agreement to his escape plan, which involves sacrificing him so the rest can get away, by confessing to the affair!
Next Week: Tate's escape plan goes down without a hitch, the terrorists are apprehended, Quentin Creasy is torn apart by street dogs on the D.C. Mall and the doctor finally has whatever the surgery is that he was supposed to have. Caught in a sexy web of brainwashing, Ellen divorces her husband and visits Duncan daily behind bars, her murder of his comatose wife merely the first in an ever-expanding sequence of what she privately terms "the murder high" that culminates, ironically enough, in the murder of the President of the United States of America.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Ellen decided it was probably cool to just eff around with a national conspiracy, and poisoned the President as something of a shenanigan. This had dire consequences for Dylan McDermott's ridiculous FBI Agent Duncan, who microchipped her family and eventually had her best friend disappeared. He made it seem like a punishment, but really it was more of a desperation move, because if Ellen does not do this thing then probably everyone on the show will be murdered by the Illuminati or whoever is running this show that has ever angle covered (except for the one angle of how to make this lady stop dicking around and kill the President already). Meanwhile, Ellen's husband Tate Donovan is dating just the worst girl.
WHITE HOUSE
Aide: "When somebody accidentally poisons you and then commits suicide, we start looking like Russia."
President: "You're right. Ellen Sanders is fired."
Quentin Creasy: "That will not be good for my conspiracy, sir."
President: "But for no real reason, I want a new doctor. Probably a guy one."
SOY-SOY
Duncan: "Have fun at the art fair today, and I will see you when I am done with taking this family hostage. It is very important for America."
Ellen: "Cool, I'm going to kidnap your daughter or do something else insane."
Duncan: "Oh, did you hear that? My bad. Ellen, you seem perturbed."
Ellen: "I'm still kind of upset that you killed my friend. And also took us hostage."
Duncan: "I thought I had your brain washed! Oh well."
He takes Archer into the den so they can talk about whether or not they actually killed the nurse or just made Ellen think it. Spoiler alert, maybe they did or maybe they didn't. One of the two.
Ellen: "Tate, while you're at work google art fairs."
Tate: "How come? Are we going to the art fair?"
Ellen: "Yes. To take the daughter hostage of the guy who took us hostage."
Tate: "I'm sure we can pull that off no problem."
Ellen: "Yes, competence is one of the things that unites us. I will call you at exactly 11:15 to find out where his daughter is, but remember not to actually tell me because they can hear our phone calls."
Tate: "Okay, at 11:15 you call me and I won't tell you anything."
Ellen: "We are so good at this!"