Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Cinderella Story
By Wing Chun | Season 3 | Episode 17 | Aired on 02.29.2000
Okay. As some of you already know, this episode involved Pacey's spending a lot of time with his young, troubled mentee, played by Jonathan Lipnicki. But I have no intention of dignifying such a sad and outdated attempt at stunt-casting by transcribing any of those scenes, and will instead condense the entire plotline thusly: Lipnicki plays a kid with the improbable name of "Buzz." He has already gone through three mentors who quit because he was such a big pain in the ass. Although he tells Pacey that his dad is dead, the truth is that he left Lipnicki (as who wouldn't?) and his mom (well, she's to blame as well) and started a new family in Nantucket. Although we're supposed to believe that Lipnicki is nine years old, he has not developed physically at all since he starred in Jerry Maguire nearly five years ago, and only comes up to Joshua Jackson's waist, which is alarming. Lipnicki also evinces numerous speech impediments that may have been cute when he was five, but aren't, in the least, anymore. Instead of sending this poor, developmentally arrested child to a talent agency, his parents should have taken him to an endocrinologist and a speech therapist. But they didn't, and because of their negligence I had to watch this homunculus call Joshua Jackson "Pissy." So, because this storyline was so insulting to me, and because I believe that you deserve better than my dignifying it with my notice, I shall instead transcribe a skit with a similar plotline from the second season of Kids in the Hall in place of each Buzz/Pacey scene. You're welcome.
A mom, played by Kevin McDonald, dresses a kid (played by a kid) in a leather hockey jacket. The kid is whining, "Tell him I'm sick!" "Sick with what, John?" asks his mom. "Cancer! Anything! Tell him I'm sick of him!" John's mom, with increasing irritation, says, "John, today is my day. Now, you're the one who wanted the Big Brother, so you're going to get out of the house, mister, because I want one day of peace and QUIET!" The doorbell rings, and John's mom answers it, finding on the other side Darrill (played by Mark McKinney) in a fur hat with earflaps and a bolo tie. "Hello, hello!" Darrill crows, and, checking his watch, congratulates himself for being "right on time." Making air quotes, he asks where his "Little Brother" is. John's mom (Marian) yanks John over by the arm, and Darrill squats and greets John as "you little firecracker," "little soldier," "you old hound dog quarterback rock and roll Dennis the Menace Indian warrior." John passively submits to Darrill's attentions until Darrill gets discouraged and stands up to tell Marian she looks nice. She says, "Thank you, Daryl," and he corrects her: "da-RILL." She tells them to have a nice day, and rubbing his hands together with mock malevolence, he tells her, "Be positive we will!" He opens the door and calls to John to follow him, but John stands catatonically in the foyer and doesn't move until Marian gets behind him and shoves him out the door.
Pan down into the waiting area of a much larger train station. Joey glances about looking, we may presume, for A.J., and spots a hand-lettered sign reading "POTTER, JOSEPH" held high above the heads of the crowd. Joey smiles and waves, and as the crowd parts, we see that the sign is in the hand of a thirty-four-year-old blonde woman we've never seen before. I guess A.J. sent his mom to get Joey. When Joey sees it's not A.J., her face falls but she recovers quickly and introduces herself. The blonde girl introduces herself as "Morgan, A.J.'s oldest friend." Just as I suspected, she is really old. Joey asks where A.J. is, and Morgan explains that he's still trying to decide what to read "tomorrow night." Joey mumbles something about feeling like she fell asleep on the train and woke up "the protagonist in a Kafka story." Morgan grins and says, "Well, there's the wit, just like he said." "'The wit'?" Joey asks, and Morgan replies, "The famous Potter wit." No one, anywhere, has ever talked like that, and if someone said that to you -- even if you had said something witty -- you'd either assume he was taking the piss, and poke him in the eye, or you'd pity him for not being able to say something witty in response, and being forced, due to inadequate resources in his own personality, to simply announce that he recognized your wit. But should we expect more from someone who is (a) friends with A.J. and (b) really, really old? Probably not. Morgan tells Joey that A.J.'s told her all about Joey -- "artist, political agitator" -- and hands her a pair of in-line rollerskates because their plan for the day is to go "blading." Joey smiles broadly, but not terribly sincerely. If I may editorialize just a little bit more: Those who force exercise on those who have just stepped off a mass transit vehicle (and are still carrying luggage) are obnoxious.