Follow along as we say the mean things Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are probably thinking.
7:57 - Welcome! I hope your days were less filled with horribly stressful football watching and cold-fighting than mine was! I've got higher hopes for this year's event than usual... not for the actual winners, but because of our hosts.
8:00 - How much do you love these Christmas colors? So glad Fey and Poehler sprung for actual good stylists this year.
8:01 - Amy says "rat faced people of television," feeds go directly to Quentin Tarantino. He does movies, camera guy!
8:04 - Tina delivers a nice, easy joke about Ricky Gervais not having a career and then Amy makes a dark joke about Kathryn Bigelow's marriage to James Cameron. What more could we ask for? Oh, Boston accents and a major dis to James Franco for his Oscar hosting. Girl power at its finest.
8:05 - Julianne Moore is seriously losing her shit right now, I love how we keep getting shots of her hysterically laughing.
8:06 - The rhythm here is fantastic, feels a lot like old Laurel & Hardy routines or something.
8:07 - Dax Shepard is sitting behind Daniel Day-Lewis, proving once again that Crosby will forever be second fiddle.
8:08 - First up: Best Supporting Movie Actor in a movie. I'll tell you right now that no one will win for Best Supporting Bra on Kate Hudson tonight or ever.
8:10 - Christoph Waltz gets the first trophy tonight for Django Unchained, but honestly all I care about is how fantastic Connie Britton looks as the camera pans.
8:11 - Dennis Quaid isn't having a stroke on stage right now, right? Keep it together, we're on to Supporting Actress in TV Show.
8:12 - Maggie Smith wins and doesn't even bother to show up. Touché, Countess.
8:17 - Don Cheadle and Eva Longoria are talking, but no one is listening. It's like a Sunday night in early 2012 all over again!
8:18 - Game Change wins Best Mini-Series or TV Movie. Is our nightmare over yet, or can this movie still win other awards? Also, is Jay Roach going to be on American Horror Story next year?
8:21 - Best Actress in a Miniseries goes to... Julianne Moore. She also wins first play-off of the night, which is its own kind of honor.
8:22 - I think something is wrong with my TV, Catherine Zeta-Jones just started singing without any prompting whatsoever as the room says completely silent.
8:28 - I zoned out when Tina and Amy started talking about the HFPA vs. The Hunger Games, but George Michael just escorted Lucille 2 on stage and now she's talking about Twilight and "Call Me Maybe."