Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Welcome To The Dolthouse
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.16.2005
Hell. Explosions erupt off-screen as Phoebe and Raige dart around a corner to cower in an antechamber somewhere within Zankou's warren of caves. Phoebe bitches about her deadline for an unnecessarily lengthy period of time before she and Raige wonder how a demon attacking the Dolt has led to Zankou attacking them. No time for an answer just yet, as we cut back to the main chamber, where the somewhat injured Craven's just arrived from the Manor to bitch about Piper's unexpected presence. Zankou blows him off in favor of making cheery "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" noises in Phoebe and Raige's general direction. Hee. Unfortunately for the gals, Elise's BlackBerry starts chirping. "Would you turn that thing off?" Raige peeves. "I know, I know," Phoebe flutters. "But you gotta admire the range on this thing!" I know I must be losing my mind, because that was sort of funny. Though I am wondering how much BlackBerry paid for that particular bit of product placement. And is it really the sort of message they want to be sending to potential customers? "Don't miss a single call ever again -- even when you're finally rotting in Hell!" Zankou, stalking in the direction of the PDAs beeps, shouts, "You're making this too easy!" He rounds one final corner, and d'oh! Phoebe's left the BlackBerry in the dirt while she and Raige sought out another hiding place. Zankou angrily stomps the thing silent as Phoebe calls out, "Looking for us?" She and Raige emerge from another alcove to toss a whack of vanquishing vials at Zankou's torso. Zankou, quick on the snap, telekinetically deflects the vials into a loitering group of Craven's minions, who instantly vanish in gouts of flame. "You missed!" Zankou hisses with a delightedly malevolent grin. Heh. Raige quickly orbs out with the Feebs, leaving Zankou and Craven alone to regroup.
Nonexistent Attic. The Psycho nonchalantly flips a toy around on the carpet while Piper and the Dolt struggle and fail to capture his attention from within the dollhouse parlor. Piper even approaches the window in order to pound on it, but finds herself sparked back to the Dolt's side by some sort of "protective shield" the Psycho has erected. The two retreat into the miniature room for a processing summit, with the Dolt easing his grievously injured self onto the surprisingly comfortable sofa while Piper paces around near the hall. We learn that Grams constructed the dollhouse many, many years ago, before Piper knew she was a witch. "Obviously," Piper notes, eyeing her preternaturally realistic surroundings, "she used some kind of magic." "It's pretty perfect," she continues, crossing to the light switch on the wall, which she flicks up and down a couple of times to no effect. "Almost perfect," she amends as the Dolt hears noises outside. It's Raige, who's shocked and appalled to find the children alone in the nonexistent room with no sign of their parents elsewhere in the Manor. Piper jumps back over to the window in a futile attempt to alert Raige to her diminished presence, and even goes so far as to deploy the Hands. Unfortunately, the resulting explosion is both small enough not to be noticed from the outside and large enough to send Piper hurtling backwards through the air within to demolish some piece of dollhouse furniture with her derriere. Raige, meanwhile, has collected Tiny Gay Chris from the playpen and now squats down to place a hand on the Psycho's back before orbing both kids over to Not!warts. The glow from Raige's orb cloud illuminates Piper's dismayed face for a moment before fading away. Piper snorts something tart in her husband's direction before sagging dejectedly to the floor. I really hate to have to say this, Piper, but don't be bitching at the Dolt over this whole mess. You had the opportunity to bind that little psychotic freak's powers last year, and you refused to take it. Suck it up, Piper. Suck. It. Up.
Lair Of The Zankou. Craven and a fresh horde of underlings wander into the main chamber as Zankou meditates, focusing on the Manor far above. Presently, he opens his eyes to announce that the house is now most definitely unoccupied. "That's what you said the last time," Craven sneers, dipping a finger in the gash opened on his bicep by Piper's mighty Hands before sticking that same finger in his mouth. Ew! Guess that explains the teeth -- he's been snacking on the pus from his various suppurating wounds for too many years. "A slight miscalculation," Zankou retorts, entirely ignoring Craven's disgusting eating habits, "but the plan was to get them out of the Manor, and they are." "Probably circling their broomsticks at [Not!warts]," Zankou sneers dismissively -- more to himself than to the others present, incidentally -- before ordering Craven to follow him up to the Manor. Zankou instantly blazes out of the chamber to reappear just as swiftly in the main Manor hall. Craven soon enough flares in beside him, with the fresh horde of underlings bringing up the rear. Zankou tosses off a couple of additional directives while mounting the stairs to the second floor as Craven sets the underlings to finding the Nexus. So what do the henchdemons proceed to do? Root through the sofa cushions, of course. No, seriously. God, demons are dumb.