Episode Report Card Tippi Blevins: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Of Bosoms, Booze, and Besos
By Tippi Blevins | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 07.28.2009
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Tonight we meet Luke, who's looking for love and whose super cute dog is so far the most interesting thing about him. Unfortunately, we only see the dog for a couple of minutes at the beginning. Luke is tall and sort of handsome in pleasant, mild way, although later when the girls meet him you'd think he was a well-padded Brad Pitt, judging by their reactions.
Assisting Luke in his quest for love is our host and plus-size model Emme. Luke stands outside the Mansion O' Big Love and meets all the girls as they arrive in limousines. There's a teacher, a nanny, a rocket scientist, and other careers that didn't make much of an impression on first viewing. The hopefuls range from 21 to 37 years old, and from a little curvy to something approaching the Venus of Willendorf. Most are very pretty, even if some of them display questionable fashion sense and/or a serious underestimation in the structural integrity of their bras. There are many ample bosoms just barely being contained tonight.
Luke easily schmoozes his way through the girls. He even gets two makeout sessions right off the bat -- including one under the guise of a Spanish lesson. No doubt aiding this is the mansion's steady and copious supply of booze.
All the ladies are given diamond "promise" rings, which just hours later they have to give back. Not much of a promise, is it? Five romantic hopefuls are sent home and fifteen get their rings back and move into the mansion with Luke. Naturally, Luke's kissing partners stay. Unfortunately, so does a woman who jumps into the pool in her party dress for attention, putting in an early bid to be The One Who Stays Around Longer Than She Should Just For the Drama.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Pimptastic music plays. Close-up on a hubcap. A black convertible rolls down the street. Ooh, we must be about to meet someone cool! "I'm Luke Conley," a man says in voiceover. The camera pans up to the convertible's driver. He goes on to say he's a big man at 330 pounds and he's from Santa Maria, California. Luke is a "successful real estate investor" and works out of his home, which we are now scoping out. Good to know someone's doing well in real estate, I guess. He talks some more but my attention is held by a tray on his desk. It looks like if you took a small animal, hollowed it out, dipped it in silver, and then filled the torso with trinkets. There's some kind of tail thingie on it and everything. Where were we? Oh, right: Luke. He says he's 26, makes a six-figure salary, and he's a thrill-seeker who wants to bring that into his dating life. He huffs and puffs up and down the beach with an adorable dog who looks sort of like Nipper, the RCA dog. The dog is seriously cute.
The cute dog's owner is still talking: He likes curvy women because they know how to have more fun. He wants to meet a special lady he can "connect" with. He goes into his back story about how he's gotten his heart broken because of his size and got poked fun at because he was chubby. Nonetheless, he persevered and didn't allow himself any hang-ups about his body, which he proves to us by displaying his naked manboobs on the beach. Good for him. I guess. Oh, yay! More dog! Luke barbecues for his friends while the dog forlornly pokes around the grill. Luke says he wouldn't want to be with a girl who's always dieting. Luke laughs it up with his buds. The dog takes a whiz on all their feet. I hope, anyway.
Oh and now comes the obligatory thoughtful sunset scene, where Luke gazes off into the horizon and muses about meeting the future Mrs. Conley, and finding passion and love, and strummy generic guitar music plays in the background to prove how sincere he is. I think the back of his jacket says "PHAT FARM" on it. He's ready to meet the girl of his dreams, he says. "Bring it on."
And bring it on they do. Luke arrives at the Mansion O' Big Love and is greeted by host and plus size model, Emme. She's wearing Sharon Gless's hair and a black party dress with a weird chiffon cape thing attached to one shoulder. As Luke walks up to meet her, we see she's also wearing flip-flops. Like the kind you get for four bucks at the drugstore on the way to the beach. I kind of love her already. She asks what kind of girl he's looking for and he dutifully says he doesn't have a type and all women are beautiful. "Very good," Emme says, like she's training a cocker spaniel who's just learned to sit on command. And now it's time to meet the romantic hopefuls.