Episode Report Card Jessica: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Instant Karma!
By Jessica | Season 6 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.15.2002
When we get back from the commercials, I think I sat on the remote for a moment, because this is clearly a clever, clever horror movie instead of Dawson's Creek, except for the part where you need to insert the word "not" in between "clearly" and "a." It's a scene from Todd's clearly doomed horror movie, and Natasha keeps screwing it up, flubbing her lines and cracking up in the middle of her scene. She apologizes, giggling girlishly each time she ruins a take. Todd tries valiantly not to stab her in the face. Dawson closes his eyes. "Is she drunk?" Todd asks. "No," Dawson lies. "Dawson?" Todd heaves irritably. "Maybe a little," Dawson admits. Todd sighs piteously. I am about two minutes away from picking a book from my library at random and discussing that instead of recapping this plot. Is any Dawson's Creek fan anywhere invested in the future of this stupid movie? No. The only thing that keeps me from sticking an ice pick in my frontal lobe during these movie scenes is the presence of Todd.
Pacey plus Fellow Stockbrokers plus Audrey equals Wacky Misunderstanding And Angst. Pacey's tie is way too short, by the way. It's hovering at least an inch and a half above his belt buckle. It's absurd. And what's that high-pitched squealing noise? Why, it's Audrey, who -- surprise, surprise -- has run into Pacey on the street! And she's very hurt by Pacey's…I don't know. His betrayal, or something? Whatever. She's hurt. Cue the crying! Lying! Name-calling! Uncomfortable looks! "I don't even know who you are anymore!" Audrey yelps. "I have to make something of myself!" Pacey screams. "I'm just some dumb rich bitch!" Audrey wails. "Dear Lord, take me now!" I cry. "This people are more fucked up than we are," my Agent Mulder action figure tells the Agent Scully action figure. And it's true. Pacey and Audrey are more dysfunctional than two small plastic talking people who can't take off their pants. Blah blah job blah blah supportive, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. My GOD! This episode is so boring! Seriously, I got my InStyle today and I think I'm just going to read that instead. I mean, come on: clearly Audrey and Pacey are on the short bus to Breakupville. Why are we wasting our time? I could be practicing my step-by-step plan for flawless skin! Finally, Audrey stomps off and Jack shoots Pacey a "dude, you fucked up" look and Bobby Briggs pats Pacey on the ass and tells him to "shake it off" and Pacey makes his "why can't I be lucky in love?" face and did you know that you need different concealers for blemishes and under-eye circles?
Outside Liberty Hell's Kitchen, Joey is helping Oliver load the car with foodstuffs. He wonders how On The Road is coming along. "What page are you on?" he asks. "Can we not talk? Do you mind?" Joey spits. Instead, Oliver tells her that he's been thinking about the book, and his theory is that Joey doesn't like it because it makes her nervous. Because it's about people who make impulsive choices. People who don't follow the safe path. People who blah blah blah, let's look at these pretty pictures of Jennifer Garner at the Emmys instead! Oliver's so pretty, but his lines are so dumb. Can't he just stand there silently? I guess it would be okay if his lines were more believable. Something more along the lines of, "Jessica Morgan, I've been utterly seduced by your wit and charm and perky good looks! Would you like to come with me to Maui for two weeks of foot massages and Mai Tais and chocolate-covered macadamia nuts? Please say yes!" While I'm thinking about how much I'd like to be lying on the beach drinking something potent out of a coconut, Joey spits that Oliver doesn't know anything about her. He explains that the way people feel about books or movies or music says a lot about them. And actually, that's true. For example, the fact that I think this show has gone from being a guilty pleasure to a trite, predictable, boring pain in the ass says that I have two working eyes in my skull. At this, Joey flies into a tizzy, attempting to prove to Oliver that she's totally wild and crazy and impulsive and sexy by explaining that last summer she bought a ticket to Paris even though she had no money, and then she thought better of it and didn't go. Not surprisingly, Oliver is not impressed. I wish the two of them would just have sex and get it over with so the WB could cancel this show already. Anyhoo, Oliver makes some trite observation about how life is about the things you do, not the things you could have done. Or something. Anyway, Joey tries to just walk away from him, but he reminds her that she needs to come with him with make this giant delivery. Can I just point out that this episode appears to be at least partially about driving food around in a car? That's not very compelling television.