| By LTG | pg 1 of 24 |
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Before I begin, I have to confess that, back in the day, I was a huge Xena fan. I mean, I didn't go to conventions or anything, because I'm not a freak, but I watched every episode every chance I got. How could I not love an ass-kicking crypto-lesbian feminist in a leather bustier? Especially one who devoted three episodes to reenacting Wagner. But over time, I've had to agree with my friend Sara B. (who turned me on to Xena and who, incidentally, kicks Xena-esque proportions of ass) -- Lucy Lawless was put on this earth to play Xena, and that's pretty much all she's capable of doing. Exhibit one: Tarzan. Exhibit two: Locusts.
The camera pans along a floor. Neon green type pops up on the screen, accompanied by little pinging sounds that mean "computer" to the fogies who watch CBS. I keep expecting Mack and Harm to show up. Uh, not that I know who those people are. In any case, the type tells us that we are at a USDA research lab at the Virginia Institute of Agriculture. Creepy music plays. A door opens, and two pair of feet enter. Oh, they belong to a couple of college kids -- one of each gender. Boy (of course) is trying to fool around with Girl, but she has serious work to do. She walks up to a cooler while he jokes about her job, which is feeding bugs. There's this skritching sound in the background, and then he turns arou--
AAAAAUGH! There's a glass wall covered with bugs!
Okay, so the other thing I should confess is that bugs freak my shit out. One or two bugs are fine, and I can kill spiders and crawly things without a problem. But masses of bugs? Or bugs in close-up? Shudder. So I'm starting to think it was a bad idea for me to offer to recap this movie.
In any case, Boy sees the bugs and jumps, but he's clearly just playing around with Girl. Or he was supposed to be scared, and he's just a bad actor. You be the judge. The soundtrack, however, is deadly serious, giving us a big clashing chord just as Boy sees the bugs. The bugs are in a glass-walled room, and they're all pressed up against the glass. The girl tells the boy that the bugs are known as Australian plague locusts. I think they need a new P.R. agent. Girl picks up a ficus tree and tells Boy that it's her job to feed the locusts by depositing the tree in their cage. The boy tells her that he's not going into the cage, and she insults his manhood and tells him that he has to take her someplace nice after they leave the lab. If they leave the lab. And I'm sorry, but isn't it her job to feed the bugs? Like, isn't she being paid to do it? So why is she busting his ass for not doing it for her? I think Xena would be sorely disappointed in Girl. She punches in a code on the outer door of the bug chamber. It opens into a little airlock space, and she carries the tree into the cage. Boy closes the door behind her. Because he's no fool.