Episode Report Card Gustave: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Koo Koo Ka Choo, Mrs. Milliken
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 10 | Aired on 01.12.2004
Back in the shed behind Casa Abandoñito, Ron Jeremy and a cohort of his have kicked it up a notch with the torture of Special Agent Charlie Brown. Because I guess they've tried everything up until this point: holding a football down on the ground for him to kick, only to remove it before his foot makes contact; giving Lucy five cents to play psychological games with him; ruining his kites, et cetera. Now they are just beating him in the abdomen with what looks like an axe handle. Hector enters and cuts the binding around his hands. They drag him over to a wall and slam him up against it. "CTU doesn't have any records of your travel plans," says Hector. "Did you come here by yourself?" Charlie Brown refuses to answer, so Hector takes out a gun and shoots it through Charlie's hand. Charlie screams in pain. "Keep at it," says Hector to Ron Jeremy as crazy zither music plays in the background. "If he doesn't crack soon, use gasoline." The time is 10:13:05 PM.
24 is brought to you tonight by Mazda. Mazda really needs to drop their "zoom zoom" ads. They're annoying, but they're not "tsk tsk tsk Wisk Wisk Wisk" annoying where you actually remember the product's name. At least they don't have that kid anymore. He bugged. Ads for movies that are being released in January and February, i.e. "movies that were thisclose to going straight to video." Sixteen million people come to "WebMD" every month. And most of them are hypochondriacs like me. Switch to Verizon wireless service or you might splatter paint on your wife by accident. Okay, what's with this IBM ad with the orphaned boy sitting in the Saarinen Tulip chair being adopted by "the world"? I don't get it.
The time is 10:17:30 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch works at his desk, Kiefer does something intense, and Adam the Woman Hater and Crystal Gael stare at their computers. Back at Division, if that's where Palmer still is, Palmer is being briefed by that military-looking guy on the latest attempts by CTU to capture the V-I-R-U-S. Brother Palmer interrupts and asks to speak to Palmer alone. Military Guy leaves the room, and Brother Palmer tells Palmer that he just got off the phone with "Sullivan," who apparently is a congressman who is "pulling his vote" on a healthcare bill that Palmer is trying to get passed. "How many Senators have we lost?" asks Palmer. "Three," answers Brother Palmer. "All protégés of Milliken's." Okay, writers? You need to remember that you are writing plotlines for a real-time format. "Inside the legislative process" does not make for a good "real-time" plotline. Especially when it's almost 10:30 Pacific Time, making it 1:30 AM in Washington D.C., where this healthcare bill is supposedly being voted on. Yes, there are all sorts of ugly situations that happen behind the scenes when lawmaking happens. It's not like it's portrayed in Schoolhouse Rock. There are highly paid lobbyists, rich people who are owed favors, and all sorts of ugly situations that inspired that saying, "Crafting a piece of legislation is like is like making a sausage -- you really don't want to know exactly how they do it." However, it's not like some fat cat can call up every congressman and say "vote against Palmer" just because. It doesn't work that way. Also? Healthcare? Get your ass out of the Clinton administration, writers. This is not 1992.
Brother Palmer points out to Palmer that Milliken is showing Palmer that while he had the power to start Palmer's career -- despite the fact that we never heard his name mentioned during Season One when Palmer's "career" was beginning, ahem -- he also has the power to end it. Um, failing to pass a healthcare bill is not going to ruin Palmer any more than his association with Dr. Anne was going to. Are these writers paying attention to anything that actually happens in American politics? Clinton failed to pass a healthcare bill and he got re-elected quite easily. "David, you can't afford to lose this debate and fail at getting the most important piece of legislation of your presidency through," says Brother Palmer. "We'd be handing Keeler this election!" Palmer is still in denial. He maintains that he can still pass the bill through the Senate. Brother Palmer argues that Palmer has no choice but to fire him to save his political career. Palmer refuses to yield to Milliken's demands on principle. "For personal revenge he's willing to kill a piece of legislation that's good for this country," says Palmer. "We can't let that happen." ["Um, Palmer? That happens every day -- which you should know, since YOU ARE A FORMER SENATOR. It's like he lives in a 'Goofus & Gallant' cartoon." -- Sars] The phone rings. It's another senator. Presumably calling to say he's pulling his vote as well.