Episode Report Card Sars: C- | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Coming Home
By Sars | Season 4 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.03.2000
To the strains of "Mr. Big Stuff," we go to the beach, where Jen "Oh Henry" Lindley, Jack "And I Love It! I Love My Dead Gay Subplot!" McPhee, and Andie "Nutty Sark" McPhee all lounge on the beach, looking bored. Kerr Smith + no shirt = happy Sars. "I'd kick off Jack," Jen says thoughtfully. Jack rolls his eyes: "You'd kick me off the island before you'd kick off Andie?" Andie chuckles. Okay, that's such a shout-out to our forums. It's not "fishcakes," but I'll take it. "Andie's very resourceful," Jen remarks. "Yeah, all right! Give it up for girl power," Andie says. "Ruthless alliance," Jack grumbles. Heh. Andie tries to comfort him by saying that they "already kicked off Grams," but Jack won't hear it. Enter Dawson "The Man Who Shot Liberty Forehead" Leery, who tells them that -- AUUUUGGGHHH! Put on a SHIRT, Dawson -- a shirt, a poncho, a pashmina, I don't care, but in the name of all that is holy, I implore you to COVER THAT SHIT UP! God! Gross! And he has this long stringy-haired thing going on, but I can't even comment on that right now because the chemo chest hair is shearing my corneas clean off. Anyway, he tells them that they should go in, "the water's warm." Andie declines, PSA-ing that she just put on sunscreen. Jack says that he and Dawson have to go to their last house-painting job of the season; Dawson says that they still have an hour, but Jack reminds him of various errands they have to run, blah dee blah, so Dawson tells him okay, but "it's our last beach day of the season," and he wants to "get this on record." Jen asks him not to take any more pictures because she looks awful, and Dawson tells her, "Well, now you're gonna look awful for posterity." Yeah, look who's talking, Robert Mappleforehead. Dawson whips out a cheap-ass silver point-and-shoot camera and the others pose for him. Jack says that they'll all meet up at the Dive-In. Jen tells Dawson that she heard Jaws is playing at the Dive-In, and Dawson smirks that he doesn't think he's seen that one before. Okay, not funny, but at least he tried. The shirtless ones leave.
Andie points out "cute boys, two o'clock." Shot of Real World Danny, attired in fluorescent swim trunks, and his Fab Morvan-esque friend. Jen shrugs that it doesn't matter, and Andie protests that "one of us is single," prompting Jen to point out that, so far, Andie's summer dating life "has been an episode of Abstinence In The City [sic]." Andie snorts that Capeside "hasn't offered a suitable summer fling." Jen laughs at her for not having the sack to go up and talk to any of the guys she sees. Andie gets all defensive and says she's going to go talk to Danny and Fab. Jen cheers her on. Andie doesn't move. Jen gives her more guff. Andie says she's formulating a plan. Jen rolls her eyes and goes to the snack bar. Andie frowns and stares at Danny and Fab some more.
Docks; Pacey and Joey, vacating the boat. Pacey picks up a wrapped rectangular package and comments that it's "a little on the heavy side," and asks who it's for; Joey, wearing a Delia's-vintage tie-back turquoise belly top with embroidery on it, fibs nervously that she doesn't know, she guesses it's for Bessie, "is that everything?" Pacey says they can pick up the rest of their stuff later. Joey sighs, "Okay," and looks preoccupied. They walk up to shore, and Pacey mentions that, before they leave, "there is one other thing we should cover," namely the subject of whether or not the two of them did the do. Pacey points out that "they're gonna ask," and Joey plays dumb, and he says that he means "sexually speaking," at which Joey giggles, "No one cares, Pacey." He fixes her with a look. She admits that maybe people care, "but they're not gonna ask -- it's too crass!" "We live in a crass age," he tells her. Joey asks what he's going to say. He says that it depends on what she's going to say. She says she's not going to say anything, "because it's no one's business." "That's good," Pacey says quickly. "Nothing sounds perfect." Whatever -- nice try with the tension-building, writers, but if these two had sex, I'll eat my hat. Not that they wouldn't have in real life, but on this show, no way. Anyway, they reach the top of the dock, and Joey says reluctantly, "Well, this is it -- the last of our summer. I go left, you go right, and we spend the next whole twenty-four hours away from each other." Banter about how Pacey isn't sad because Joey's starting to get on his nerves, only he's actually sad, he's just "covering it with false bravado," blah blah blah fishcakes, and they walk off in separate directions. Then they run back to each other and start kissing. Like, ha ha. Not.