Episode Report Card Deborah: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Medium and the Message
By Deborah | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.09.2003
At the police station, Daghlian tells Will he's brought in a caller from the tip line, who thinks a neighbour in his building might have the missing boy. Will snipes that it sounds awfully scientific. The witness says the lady next door to him has always been weird; she "keeps to herself, doesn't seem to have a job," and he thinks maybe she lives on disability. Well, that's probably what my neighbours think about me, too. It's called being a freelance writer, people. And don't even get me started on how it's hardly a crime to keep to oneself. Frankly, I think it's a service to humanity. There are a lot of people who could stand to keep a lot more to themselves, and I'm willing to name names. He's seen her with a little kid she claims is an orphaned nephew she's adopting. He verifies that it's the same kid when they show him a picture.
At school, Joan and Luke are walking through the halls, and Joan's telling them about the fight their parents were having. Luke shrugs it off, saying they've always had fights. Joan says this was different, because they were fighting about God. Luke says they've always fought about that: "Mom wanted to get married in the Church, and Dad didn't. You know, blah blah blah. God and money: it's basically what adults fight about." Scylla and Charybdis suddenly ooze up and tell Joan they need to talk. Scylla's hair is looking particularly bad, as if she'd had it in corn rows for two or three days and just took it out. Joan: "About what?" Charybdis: "Your behaviour." Scylla: "It's so not cool. Flirting in the hall with Dax for everyone to see? Lynnie cried all through World Geography." Maybe she's just upset about the disputes in Jammu and Kashmir. I know I am. Charybdis warns Joan, "Stealing someone's boyfriend does not look good on the social résumé." Joan points out, "I did not flirt with him. He came up to me." They look at her with disbelief; Scylla purses her lips obnoxiously. Joan just stares at them, finally saying: "You know what...bite me." She walks away. Charybdis: "Oh...that's charming." They follow her. Luke says, "Can you just leave my sister alone?" Yeah, that's forceful. Scylla calls back, "Back off, pinhead!" Luke: "Hey! That's Mister Pinhead to you!" Joan stops and turns, and says, "You know what? I don't care about Dax Hibbing, or Lynnie Carmichael, or my 'social résumé' or who's gay or who's not!" Grace is in the doorway behind Joan, but Joan doesn't see her. Joan continues, "I can't spend my time on this planet worrying about that stuff! There's other things to do." Charybdis: "Like what? Chemistry and chess?" Joan: "Yeah! Like that. Those guys may be nerds but at least they know what they're here for." Scylla and Charybdis flounce off without any parting insults, which I find hard to believe. Grace also slips away before Joan can see her. Luke walks up and says, "You called me a nerd." Good gravy, it can't be the first time. Maybe he's pleased about it. Joan says it was a metaphor.
A dowdy older woman is chopping vegetables in her bright, pleasant kitchen as Will and Daghlian question her. She says it's very sad about the missing boy, and offers them coffee or tea. They decline. A white poodle in a basket near her feet growls and runs down the hall. Predictable, much? Will says some of her neighbours reported seeing the boy in this building, and wonders if she knows anything about that. She feigns ignorance. Will says, "I understand you have a son or nephew?" She says she lives alone, in a sad, "don't probe my misery" kind of way. Will keeps trying, saying her neighbours were sure there was a little boy living here. She claims that she babysits kids in the neighbourhood sometimes. Daghlian asks if she minds if they have a look around. She says calmly, "Yes, I do mind. I don't mean to be rude, but I know you'd need a warrant for that." Daghlian admits that's true. Will says they could get one and come back. They decide to do that. Will tries that "can I use the bathroom" ruse on her, but she's seen Law & Order before, and she ain't fooled. She suddenly turns around and points the chef's knife at his throat, growling, "No, you can't use the bathroom! You can't look around! You can leave me alone!" Dude, that sure went from zero to batshit crazy in short order. Daghlian pulls his gun and tells her to put the knife down. Will's pretty cool as she continues, "This is harassment! You can't just come in here and harass me like this! I know my rights! You need a warrant!" Daghlian keeps ordering her to put the knife down. Batshit Crazy Lady looks at him and asks, "What? Are you gonna shoot me?" Daghlian points out that pulling a knife on the chief of police is a shootable offense. She quivers a bit, her resolve weakens, and Will manages to take the knife from her. Daghlian cuffs her quickly. Down the hall, the little poodle is scratching at a door so that Will knows where to look for the kid. It's locked, and as Daghlian takes Batshit Crazy Lady out of her apartment, Will asks where the key is. She snarls, "Up my ass!" Daghlian: "Nice." Actually, I think I believe her. But somebody better Mirandize her soon, because she doesn't seem to have seen quite enough episodes of Law & Order to remember the warning. You don't want this one released on a technicality. Will busts the door open with his shoulder -- probably braced to find a body -- but finds little Eric playing happily and quietly on the floor with a bunch of Duplo blocks. They smile slightly at each other.