Episode Report Card Kim: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shorties In Love
By Kim | Season 1 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.16.2001
It still remains sad to me that they need to show the explanation for this show before every episode. Maybe they could have made the show less complicated so that you could understand the premise by just watching the show. Or maybe they think the audience is really dumb. I don't know.
We open on various Jam Pony denizens lifting a water heater from an abandoned building. Sketchy is babbling about starting a grunge revival, which I am all for, personally. I still have all my flannels. Herbal thinks it sucks that Sketchy is in it for the money and not the music. Have I mentioned that Sketchy looks like he's about thirty-five years old? Max mentions how excited she is to take a hot shower, since they are taking this hot-water heater. But wouldn't it be rusted out? I'm just saying. Sketchy and OC banter over his hitting on some hot chick. Max has this big grin on her face while she lifts the obviously very heavy hot-water tank, like, couldn't Jessica Alba at least pretend that it's not made out of foam? Sketchy sees a rat and drops his end of the tank. Max and Herbal are left holding the tank, and they decide to push it up on one end on the count of three. Of course, Max's super strength comes into play, and the hot-water heater goes crashing into the wall. At which point, in the real world, there would be holes in it because of all the rust. Also, hot-water tanks? Not that heavy that they would require four people. I know this -- we just got a new one in our basement a few months back, and it took two people to move it. Anyway, Max tries to pretend like it was Herbal's strength that caused the tank to go flying. Herbal accepts the compliment.
So the whole hot-water-tank thing was to create a situation where Jessica Alba could walk around in a robe, I guess, because that's what happens next. OC is sitting on the couch, listening to Max bliss out over the shower. OC says, "Give me your paw." I really hate the language this show has invented to make it seem hip or something. Like, who says "paw" instead of "hand," in this century or any other? Anyway, OC wants to give Max a manicure, but Max thinks it sounds too much like Manticore. Ha ha. Not. OC thinks that Max is "so butch" that it's hard to believe she doesn't "play on the all-girl team." Because if a lesbian character spouts lesbian stereotypes, it's okay. Max says that she doesn't need pampering -- just a hot shower and clean underwear. But wouldn't a hot shower be considered pampering on this show? OC says men like women who mind the details, and Max insists that she's "no man's woman." OC hears a rat squeaking and notes that they have a rodent problem. This will be important later. Max asks if men really pay attention to manicures and stuff, and OC says that they do. Max laughs at OC being an expert on men, and OC says she likes men, but she doesn't want to go to bed with them. Because she's a lesbian. I don't know if you got that already. Just then, some plaster cracks, and the hot-water tank comes crashing through the ceiling, landing on their living-room floor. Why was it above their apartment in the first place? Don't hot water tanks usually go in the basement? Just wondering. Anyway, Max caps the scene by saying that "somebody out there just doesn't like [her]." Shout-out?
The Jam Ponies are in a bar. OC is playing pool with some random guy, and when she beats him, she says, "Don't hate the playa. Hate the game." I start having flashbacks to David from Real World New Orleans and cry and cry. Some mysterious woman walks up and asks OC, "Who says you're a playa?" All eyes turn to Mystery Woman. OC greets her. Mystery Woman asks if they're going to play pool. OC says she only plays to win, "and that's not been my experience with you." Max asks the others who Mystery Woman is. Thanks, Max! I was getting sick of typing out Mystery Woman. Herbal tells us that Mystery Woman's name is "Diamond." OC asks why Diamond is back in Seattle, and Diamond says that she just got paroled. OC says, "When you gonna quit being a bad girl?" and Diamond replies, "When you stop liking me that way." Okay, that was a pretty good retort. Diamond claims that she's "living straight, at least as far as the law is concerned." OC wonders why Diamond thinks she cares that she's gone straight. Diamond says she might have just come in for a drink. When OC looks pissed, Diamond says that she really came down because she missed OC, and she's sorry, and she didn't work hard enough to keep her. Ah, the old ex-whatever song and dance. One that is familiar to us all, I think. The actress who plays OC should so have been cast as Max. She's so much better than Jessica Alba. Anyway, OC introduces Diamond to her "crew," except Herbal, who apparently already knows Diamond. Sketchy offers to get drinks for everyone. Actually, he says "adult beverage," but I'm trying to shield you from the bad faux-slang in this episode. Diamond wants a drink, but points out that she's not going to hook up with Sketchy over it. Sketchy says that he realizes she's gay. Diamond says that she's never met a man worthy of her kiss. I realize that dialogue isn't very interesting, but they actually reference it later in the show, so I had to relate it here. I guess. Diamond wins the pool game, so OC hands her some money. Diamond doesn't want the money -- she wants a kiss from OC. The kiss is surprisingly hot. Somewhere, Joss Whedon cries because he's not allowed to show such things on his shows. Just then, Max's pager goes off, and she leaves the bar.