Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kicking The Crap Out Of Private Dolt
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 17 | Aired on 03.27.2002
Manor sun porch. Phoebe has planted herself at the wrought-iron table and types away on her laptop. Apparently, she's followed Raige's earlier advice and is now using a power cord. Raige herself stomps in from the parlor to ask, "Have you seen my keys anywhere?" "No," comes the curt response. "Why don't you orb them into your hand?" That last bit was me. And everyone on the forums, evidently. Piper enters, remarking that the Dolt is ignoring her pages. She can't believe the Dolt would be so upset about a simple reunion. "I don't know," Raige snarks. "Maybe it's because he died at Guadalcanal?" She clomps back into the parlor to look for her keys. Orb them into your hand, Raige. Piper allows that while the Dolt did meet what I hope was a hideous and painfully lingering end on that particular island, "he died a hero." As if that's supposed to explain why he wouldn't be ambivalent about revisiting the experience. Piper asks Phoebe for her opinion on the matter, but Phoebe just throws another tantrum about needing silence to meet her deadline.
Meanwhile, Raige is still not orbing her keys into her damn hand. She does, however, find them buried in the sofa. She cries out in triumph, then turns to find Louie standing on the stairs. "Who are you?" she yelps. "You can see me?" he asks. "More like through you," Raige clarifies. Piper darts to Raige's side, in time to catch Louie disappearing through the wall. Phoebe makes Louie's appearance all about her as she gripes that a ghost infestation is the last thing she needs. Piper tells Phoebe to go back to her column. Piper will head to the attic to "brush up on [her] ghost-busting" skills with the Book of Shadows, to prepare for the likely possibility that Louie is not a ghost of the Casper sort. Raige quickly volunteers to blow off THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES for Book duty. Drooling freely through her magenta lips as her eyes glaze over with lust, she calls Louie "a piece of man-hunk history," and wanders off upstairs. I'd go with "bo-hunk," honey, and also, get in line. Piper chuckles because she finds horny siblings amusing, rather than off-putting and inappropriate. As the soundtrack mauls "Taps," Piper turns to retrieve a framed black-and-white photo of the Dolt in his dress uniform from a nearby table.
The camera pulls in to give us a terrifying close-up of the Dolt's grinning, crinkly mug before pulling back to reveal the same photograph on a WALL OF HONOR over at the V.A. The nameplate beneath the frame belies the episode title, identifying him as "Corporal" Dolt. I have to believe he was the beneficiary of a posthumous promotion, because I reject the idea that he attained that rank while he was still breathing. Also, the nameplate tells us the Dolt was born May 6, 1924, and died November 24, 1942. Where do I start with that? The Dolt is supposed to be eighteen? On which planet? He's thirty-six if he's a day, and the crow's feet on his face would have us believe he's even older. And get this -- in a few scenes, we're going to find out Louie and the Dolt graduated high school together, which means the younger Mandylor is also supposed to be eighteen years old. Well, either that, or severely retarded. Does that make Costas Louie's father? Grandfather? What? Help me out here. And while I'm at it -- while it's nice they managed to have the nameplate give the same year as the Dolt's birth certificate, how do they explain Pre-Dolt and Baby Dolt stomping around San Francisco at the exact same time?
Whatever. WHATEVER. The camera tracks back from the WALL OF HONOR to reveal Costas staring sullenly at the Dolt's aforementioned crinkly mug. Louie wafts in to note that the Dolt's "grandson is living the good life." "Not for long," Costas promises. Louie hesitantly mentions the three witches who are sharing in that good life, and suggests Costas call off their whole sins-of-the-father plan. Costas blathers something about the Dolt "trapping" them "in this hell on earth," and vows to exact vengeance. Costas and Louie's Australian accents fade in and out throughout this exchange, which I would find tedious and annoying were I not staring at their upper bodies in those tight green t-shirts. Yowza. Is this the reaction the production staff was hoping for? Were they, like, "Hey, Brad Kern, here's that Dolt-centric script you asked for, but we have to admit, it's pretty shitty." And was Brad Kern, like, "Hey, no problem. We'll just cast two hunky lunkheads as the guest ghosts and keep them stripped down to their t-shirts. That way, no one will notice how shitty the script is!" And then was the production staff all, "Oooh! Excellent idea, Brad Kern! But what about those people in the audience who aren't straight women and gay men?" And Brad Kern goes, "What's that crazy talk? Lesbians and hetero boys watching Charmed? What have you been smoking?" And the production staff went, "D'oh! Now we know why you're the guy running things around here, Brad Kern! You're the best!"