Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Lesson Eight: The Level Of Our Incompetence
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 8 | Aired on 03.10.2007
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Kinetic is now at four members (Muna, Angela, Heidi, and Kristine), while Arrow is still an uncountable mass of shrieking kindergartners. The task: to design a half-time show for a soccer game starring the multivitamins of GNC. Both teams create concepts around the basic idea that whatever your problems in life might be, GNC can solve them: Kinetic with a multi-part obstacle-course destruction of osteoporosis and heart disease, and Arrow with a multi-part self-destruction involving the obstacle of James and the arteriosclerosis that Surya's business practices most closely resemble. Kinetic wins because their concept makes sense, while Arrow's seems to be a Cirque de Soleil retelling of the film Rocky, starring Tim and some Sparky Polastris mincing around a boxing ring until something stupid happens. The GNC executive is appalled, as is Viceroy Bill Rancic, but how can you tell. The winners play golf with Trump, blowing his mind that women can hit a ball with a stick and make it go places. The losers have a full-on awesome meltdown in which Nicole (!) and Frank (!!) join Stefani on the Grownup side, while Surya and James have a whine-off. Everybody's forced to pull out their thesauruses in order to explain that Surya sucks without using the word "sucks," and everybody's similarly forced to admit that James's non-stop ass-covering, while creepy, is still less obnoxious than Surya's whole bag of bullshit. After a boardroom in which Surya lectures Trump on all manner of subjects, including "Why I Am The Victim Of A Vast Arrow Conspiracy," "What 'Brainstorming' Means, Take Two," "I Really Wish I Was Still On Kinetic," "Turns Out I Suck As A PM" (that was the best part), and his meaningless score of how many times Arrow has won in spite of him, Trump finally fires Surya! The right person! And why? Because he sucks! The right reason! Man, I hope this show never stops being good again. The first half of this season was too much to take. Next week, though: Schwarzenegger and Trump in the same room. I already feel molested. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously, Arrow won for the millionth time, and then Trump fired Derek for "his unprofessional behavior," meaning "no reason at all," and Surya nodded sagely about how stupid Derek was, and then Trump fired Jenn for "being a weak leader," I guess, and suddenly this week we're treated to a shot of Jenn looking like she's about to vomit, instead of what really happened. Because what really happened was that the inmates continued to realize that the asylum they were in was stupid, and Trump kept pulling his weak-ass rank in as many directions as possible, telling Randal to shut up for no reason and firing people and screaming his stupid head off to regain control of a stupid, silly game show that only he is taking seriously.
In the tent, we review exactly who's left on Kinetic: Kristine, Angela, Muna, and Heidi. Kristine interviews how they're going to have to work harder than they've ever worked, now that Derek's not around to tell them what sneaky shit they need to be doing, and Kristine -- perhaps she is drunk -- is telling Kinetic that they could easily be the Final Four. Inside, Surya is talking and talking total bullshit about...whatever. They're brilliant, he's so happy to have saved them from themselves, he's their corporate Henry Higgins and they are all drooling fools that he loves affectionately, they always had potential that only he could see, without him they would have drowned in their mediocrity, and wouldn't that have been sad. Nicole stares at her wine and swirls and swigs, again and again. James and Frank send highly violent eye daggers of hatred directly at his stupid face. Surya tells them how lucky they are to be in his presence, both as a leader and a person of integrity, because all they needed was someone to show them the path -- they always had it in them to shine. He's privileged to have been the wonderful man to bring that to light, and he'll always be proud of his part in making them such a great team. He fully tells James that his favorite thing about James is that he reminds him of Surya, in that he's a brilliantly capable leader who is never going to be recognized for his genius within his lifetime. That's what he likes about James. Whatever self-obsessed assholes do when they think they're being complimentary, that's what he's saying. I'm slightly -- slightly -- exaggerating, but then that's just what I do, take pabulum and the pronouncements of people shoved up their own recta, and turn it into art. It's just who I am.