Episode Report Card Potes: B | 3 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT The Hairy Grille of Life
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 06.16.2013
And then it's the day of Gia's birthday party. All the girls go to the salon to get their hair did, and Milania is a sassmaster as always. Teresa asks Gia if Tio Joe is coming, and it turns out he is not since he has pneumonia. Allegedly! Teresa asks if Gia is upset about it, and she says that she isn't. Teresa then prompts her to try to be upset about it, and instead Gia gets upset at Teresa. She vents to the stylist that she hates when Teresa talks to her about her aunt and uncle, especially when she's just trying to have a nice, extra-selfish birthday. Teresa suspects that Joe isn't all that sick, but really just doesn't want to see her and Juicy. And, I mean, would you? Then Teresa gives some grief to Gia about a boy named Christopher, who may be her best friend or may be her boyfriend. Milania pronounces that Christopher is a little wimp, and that she's into older men. I think that's an appropriate last word.
Melissa then gets her kids ready for Gia's party, and her son Gino calls her a poopy-head. Man, it runs in the family. Melissa sprays the shit out of Gino's hair, because she wants him to get pneumonia, too. A Lifetime movie waiting to happen, that one is. Joe stumbles in and tells everyone he needs a plug in his ass. Melissa calls him out for not wanting to go to the party anyway, despite the sickness, which he freely admitted earlier in the episode. Even though he can't be there, he wants Melissa to spit on Kim D.'s face. He seems certain that Kim D. will be in attendance, since she's basically the equivalent of Teresa's winged monkey, and tells Melissa to give as much shit as she gets. She acts all aghast at the notion that she might do such a thing at a birthday party.
We then get a few minutes of crazy Milania, which does make me think that a half-hour spinoff would indeed be too exhausting to bear. She's still the best one on this show, though.
And then we're at Gia's birthday party, which is I guess at some sort of faux dance club? It's like the paltriest episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen ever, and to drive that point home we see Gia's really horrifying looking hairy grille cake with the inscription, "Happy 12th birthday Gianna." So personal! Teresa then exclaims that Gia's BFFL (pronounced "biffel"), Christopher, has arrived. This leads to what might be my favorite moment in all of RHONJ history, which is Joe Giudice saying, "What? Beefusses?" What Beefusses indeed! It's really an appropriate response to any awkward situation. "You have a hairy grille!" "What? Beefusses?" "It took you four days to go to the hospital!" "What? Beefusses?" "It's time to talk about the birds and the bees!" "What? Beefusses?" Juicy may be a secret genius. Very secret. Juicy mildly harasses an obviously terrified Beefusses, while Gia loops the defining emotion of her life -- being embarrassed by her mother. Teresa wants to be Gia's Beefusses. Maybe in 20 years. Milania whines because she wants to see her own Beefusses, Antonia.