Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Manura Penthe
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.08.2003
Klingon homeworld. Quantum festers in a cell until Phlox visits him and makes up a Three's Company-calibre ruse about the captain being contagious in order to make the Klingon guard hustle out of hearing. You know those Klingons -- always so afraid of catching a common cold. What a wussy race. And no, I won't make a SARS-related joke here. ["Bang! Bang! Bang!" -- Sars's Head, from corner of desk] Phlox brings him tidings of T'Pol working with the Vulcan High Command and Starfleet to get him released, but if that fails, they have other tricks up their sleeves. Quantum pulls out a martyr speech and informs Phlox that whatever the outcome of his trial, he wants Enterprise safely out of reach. After Quantum turns his nose up at his plate of Targ Tartar, Phlox assures him that it has loads of riboflavin. A white-haired Klingon comes in and gives Phlox the bum's rush. The white-haired Klingon --whom I think I'll call Whitey B'lger in homage to my state -- introduces himself as Quantum's attorney (or advocate) and tries to escort him to the Tribunal. Buttoning up his collar -- you know how Klingons hate a sloppy shirtfront -- Quantum bristles over not understanding their justice system when his own lawyer doesn't even want to hear his side of the story. Whitey B'lger says he knows what happened, advises Quantum to keep his yap shut, and says he'll speak for him. Well, I should hope so, considering that the whole Tribunal should be completely conducted in "Don't wait for the translation -- answer me now!!" Klingon. But just for safety's sake, maybe Quantum should also wear a bandanna around his head -- that furrow of his has been known to speak out of turn a few times.
Quantum and Whitey enter the cacophonous tribunal room. Whitey tells Quantum that the peanut gallery is shouting, "Enemy." You know, my Klingon must be getting rusty, because I could've sworn they were shouting, "Enem-a." Quantum hopes the Enemaniacs aren't his jury. "There is no jury," Whitey tells him "ominously." Because juries are for pussies. The prosecuting attorney walks in, and Whitey makes impressed noises. Quantum wants to know what Whitey's success rate is, and Whitey tells him, "I perform my duty." The unshrouded-in-mystery-and-sinisterness judge enters, and the tribunal convenes. The prosecutor calls Duras, his first witness. If Continuity wishes to wet his pants, I'd like him to do it upwind, because I'm not that interested in ferreting out what this Duras's relation could be to the Dinnerlicious Duras sisters of TNG's time. Duras whines that, because of Quantum, he's no longer a captain of a vessel; he's more like a baggage handler. The Enemaniacs "ooh" and "ahh" in thinly veiled murderous rage. Prosecutor Klingon begs him to continue with his sad tale of middle management loss. In a flashback, Duras talks about trying to apprehend some fleeing rebels; just as they were near enough to capture their quarry, Quantum stuck his big nose in it and screwed everything up. In Duras's recollections, Quantum flouts all that Klingons hold dear and even insults the High Chancellor and the horse their ancestors rode in on. Quantum's quite the wank in Duras's memory. Funny, that's usually how I choose to remember him as well.
Quantum protests to his lawyer that he didn't say any of those things. "It's not important," Whitey tells him. Quantum tries to speak out for "the rebels" he took onto his ship, but everyone tells him to shut up. Including me. Duras continues with his misty rose-colored memories and relates a scene where Quantum actually says, "Death to the Empire," and takes off in his ship after firing on Duras's vessel. Duras pursues him into the ring system of a planet, only to be blasted out of the system by some weird slo-mo torpedo fired by Enterprise. Basically, Duras is SOLIS (shit outta luck in space) and Quantum's supposedly at fault. Prosecutor Klingon excuses the dishonored Duras, and Quantum wonders why his own lawyer doesn't want to cross-examine him. "He would say nothing that would help you," Whitey growls. Prosecutor Klingon blusters some more about Quantum's transgressions, foments, and conspiracies, and demands the most severe punishment their laws decree. "Jacques!" Prosecutor Klingon shouts. The Enemaniacs join in the chant: "Jacques! Jacques! Jacques!" Quantum looks around, terrified at the idea of Jacques Pepin coming in and aspic-ing him to death. Defense Attorney Whitey says he has nothing to add, and the judge is about to go away to consider the evidence when Quantum starts yammering in his own defense. Some bailiffs come and zap him with pain sticks until he shuts up. I've been wanting to do that for two seasons. The judge bangs out a recess and leaves.