Episode Report Card Cate: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Anything You Want (Pilot)
By Cate | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 08.25.1996
And that leaves Dopey. He walks into the room to wow me with his elaborate Shaun Cassidy hairdon't. Seriously, has this guy's hair ever looked good? Obviously, the seeds of his patriarchal attitude have been sown, since he's already ordering his siblings around, reminding them that Saturday is the day the CamRents sleep late. All the little siblings scurry off obediently while Dopey beams down indulgently at them. He doesn't even roll his eyes when Ruthie turns around and waves cutely while saying goodbye. Say, he's pretty good at this patriarchal stuff already, isn't he? When RevCam thanks him for getting rid of the kids, Dopey comes awfully close to smirking knowingly, but since Dopey is only sixteen or so in this episode, he can't possibly know about sex yet.
The opening credits show far too much hugging, kissing, and smiling, as well as a shot of the loathsome young Ruthie sloppily blowing a kiss at the camera. I also learn that Annie really wasn't experiencing bedhead earlier. No, her hair is always that awful. It's like a cross between Rex Smith and a poodle, and it is not flattering.
Quel horreur! The Opening Credits Timewaster starts off with Eric opening a bottle of wine. Hey, what kind of message is that supposed to be sending out? Everyone knows that drinking even half a glass of an alcoholic beverage is enough to send you on a downward spiral to Buffalo. Annie is wielding a scary-looking chef's knife -- and using it completely ineptly. She's gonna lose a finger if she's not careful. I'm not sure how anyone who's been preparing meals for twenty years or so could be so incompetent with a knife, but Annie is making me cringe here. Thankfully, she puts the knife down when RevCam pours out two glasses of wine. She looks over at him lustfully while Roy Orbison's "You Got It" plays in the background. Apparently what Annie wants is to clink glasses with RevCam in an extremely dorky and contrived manner and then gaze dreamily into his eyes. Hey, to each her own. She dances out of the kitchen with a basket of bread, completely missing every beat of the song. RevCam shuts off the music and follows.
Whoa, that is one ugly decorating scheme the CamRents have in their dining room. I keep expecting Belle Watling and her girls to show up and join the party. Simon is anxious to say the blessing. Annie wants to know why he's in such a hurry, and asks him if he has a date. Ew. Dopey says he hopes not, since he needs the car. Yeah, well, isn't Simon about five years too young to drive anyway? When Simon finally gets around to saying the blessing, he gives a cursory thank you for the food and then launches into his real agenda: "And if there really is a God, God, I know you'll find a way to get me that dog I want. Amen." Everyone laughs as though that were a really cute thing to say. Dopey informs the CamFam that he has a date. Mary uses that as an excuse to start whining about how unfair it is that the CamRents won't let her go out with older guys. Simon pipes up to tell us that "'dog' is 'God' spelled backwards." That's actually pretty funny, and it does remind me of this theory I've been harboring for a while. If I played tapes of 7th Heaven backwards, would I hear some demonic messages from Brenda, in which she advocates stalking one's family members and tells women that they're inferior to men? Come to think of it, I don't even have to play the tapes backwards to hear that. RevCam tells Lucy she's "looking awfully grown-up these days," which causes her to throw a hissyfit and storm off to her room. Hee hee. Wacky, nonsensical Camdens.