Episode Report Card DeAnn Welker: A- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ain't No Party Like a Christening Party
By DeAnn Welker | Season 2 | Episode 13 | Aired on 08.02.2010
Teresa gets her herd of daughters ready for Audriana's christening, which she says is going to be "all the way Italian." Whatever that means. Joe's shirtless, snacking on the party food in the kitchen. She says he's grumpy because he's been working long hours at the pizzeria. I don't know how a pizza man bought that yellow diamond last week, but it's not like I'm saying he's got a side business or anything. Teresa forces him to take photos that he hates, and then they bicker as Dina shows up at the party. She's not here for ratings or anything, but just because of the spiritual guidance she will provide to Audriana as her godmother. Dina brought tiny Gucci shoes as a gift for Audriana. Everyone screams about it, and Joe wants to kill himself. (I agree.)
Dina's role as the godmother is to dress the baby from head to toe. Dina loves handling an innocent little baby, because it reminds her of when she was last innocent, in the womb. More photo ops, and then they head to the christening. On the way, Joe tells Teresa he hates when she throws parties and she's not throwing another. He wants her to shop at the $5 shoe place they're driving past. Teresa misses the days when she had her own checkbook, and he didn't know what they spent.
Danielle shows up to Kim G.'s, narrating about how close they are and what a special relationship they have. They hug and kiss and bond over how they're both skinny bitches and can share belts. Danielle likes that Kim G.'s so well-respected in the community. She's hoping she can help her with some stuff -- not that she's using her or anything. She's like, totally, her best friend. Danielle tells Kim G. that her adoptive mom tried but was never there, so she really wants to find her biological mom to make a new beginning. They both cry, and Kim G. tells her to put it to rest and find her. Danielle says, "I just want to smell her. I want to smell my mom." Uh, what? Kim G. does exactly what Danielle hoped and offers her someone who can help. They hug and say they love each other, and Danielle asks Kim G. to be her girlfriend.
Audriana's christened by a priest with a blurred-out face (or he's the only one in the scene who hasn't had plastic surgery; it's hard to tell with this show). Then it's party time. Teresa saved money, I guess, by hiring women to be tables instead of waitresses. I don't know, actually, how having a woman stand in the middle of each table saved any money. But Teresa's happy with the party and thinks that Christopher did an amazing job and should take over his dad's job. Caroline is unsurprisingly proud of her son. Teresa's so happy to have Dina back with her, Caroline and Jacqueline. It feels like old times. Teresa has a first dance with Joe and Audriana, which she's done with all of her daughters. Caroline's never seen anything like this before, but says it makes her cry because it's so touching. Jacqueline starts sobbing, too, about how quick babies grow. Hers, for example, is all grown-up and getting arrested for assault and harassment. Dina makes a tearful toast, then everyone gets drunk and dances and parties all night. Just like Jesus did. Joe tells Teresa this was all wonderful and worth it and everything, but he's leaving before he sees the bill.