Episode Report Card Gustave: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Lord Of The Files
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 17 | Aired on 02.23.2000
Kennedy High. In Bio's classroom, Josh sits contentedly hugging his school bag to his chest. I guess if a bookbag could provide him with that much joy, it's no wonder he's dating Carmen. Brooke enters, wearing a pink Barbie pantsuit. Her hair is not in a zigzag part, for once but she's back to that braid, sort of -- it's more to the side now. She greets Josh warmly and sits down in the seat right in front of him. As soon as her bony butt hits the seat, she whirls around and starts reminiscing about the time when his mother got a tapeworm in Cancun. Apparently, a chapter she read last night about parasites is what triggered that memory. Josh laughs along politely. Carmen enters in a baby blue cardigan and a cleavage-baring clingy burgundy undershirt and says hello to Brooke. Brooke greets her sweetly with a "How are you?" but her smile hardens as Carmen sits in the seat next to Josh. Carmen tells Brooke that she's fine with a barely noticeable smirk and then tells Josh that she's got tickets "for Saturday night." Josh is excited by her news and starts making out with her right then and there. Brooke turns around in her seat. It's hard to tell if her look of horror is due to the fact that she's lost Josh to Carmen or whether she, like millions of home viewers nationwide, is repulsed by the sight of the chemistry-free pairing that is Carmen and Josh. I hate to say this because it's really supposed to be a good thing that "the fat girl" has gotten her man -- that is, if we are to overlook the fact that "fat" is not an appropriate description of Carmen. However, they just look so wrong together. Especially since Carmen is looking really unphotogenic in this scene. You'd think, because she's got the boyfriend she's been wanting, that she'd be glowing.
Bio appears before the class, screams, "Earthquake!" and drops a large stack of books. "Take cover!" he/she barks, and all the students reluctantly scoot under their desks. Bio inspects their positions and kicks Josh's legs, which are sticking out from under the desk he's sharing with Carmen. She walks up to Nicole, who is not under her desk but filing her nails defiantly in the aisle as so not to ruin her outfit. Oh no, Nicole has Macy Gray hair today. "Why aren't you under your desk?" asks Bio. "Because if I wanted to play dust mop, I would have worn your clothes," answers Nicole. Bio warns Nicole about the tonnage of building materials that could be falling on her in the even of a real earthquake. Nicole goes, "Hmmm," and Bio changes her mind and tells Nicole not to move. Unfortunately, this and some overt sexual remarks that come later are going to be the only entertainment we get out of Bio this week.
Back under the Josh and Carmen desk shelter, Kennedy's most sick-making couple is having thumb war, and I guess I'd have to count my blessings; he could have been diapering her or giving her a ba-ba. "Do you find natural disasters funny, kids?" asks Bio. They pull away from each other and say "no." "You do know that when the earth cracks open, young lovers are swallowed up first?" she asks. The young lovers laugh as Brooke and Sam watch. "They're cute, aren't they?" says Brooke, obviously trying to keep her lunch down. "Yeah," says Sam. "Mickey's found his Minnie." Gustave imagines groups of six-year-old kids fleeing in terror from Disneyworld employees dressed in Carmen and Josh costumes. Bio begins lecturing the class about taking the drill seriously. Just then, a "studly" guy in a brown jacket, cobalt blue shirt, and purple tie enters the classroom. All the women peer at him lustfully; that's how we're supposed to know he's "studly." Bobbie Glass is entranced and totally starts staring at this package. Uh, didn't anyone learn anything in Booty Camp last week? Studly Guy introduces himself to Bobby Glass as Calvin Krupps, the new vice-president brought in specifically to deal with disciplinary problems. "Thank you, Jesus," says Mary Cherry to herself from under her desk. Bobby Glass starts throwing out all these single entendres (tm Wing Chun) about "the big one" and just about every pun you could wring from the whole "discipline" theme. Nicole says something crass, too. Calvin "Studly Vice Principal" Krupps addresses the class. Everyone comes out from under their desks. He explains that Principal Hall is away at Chico State Prison attending a "sensitivity seminar" due to the "harassment problems and the smackdown in the girl's lav." Can I just say that it is about time someone finally noticed that it was time to sit Principal Hall down for a couple of weeks and sensitize her ass? He tells them his philosophy of dealing with disciplinary problems, which has to do with taking preventive measures and encouraging students to become centered. "If you mop up the gasoline, you don't have to fear a lit match." "What exactly would one have to do to git spanked?" says Mary Cherry. Heh.