Episode Report Card Omar G: C | 1 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT The Dread Zone
By Omar G | Season 3 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.03.2004
Wow. The midseason slump. It's so predictable, they ought to put it in Bo Duke Farmer's Almanac next year.
We open on...The Silence of the Lambs? The hell? The song playing is tinkly wuss alt-rock, so it must be The WB. But the Not-Even-Dave-Matthews-Manly song plays over a jogging trail somewhere in the Pacific Northwest of, uh, Kansas. That guy who sings for Five for Fighting needs to get the damn kazoo out of his mouth. Anyway, instead of Clarice Starling on the jogging trail, we get a scrawny-looking boy in a gray sweatshirt. He's shot jogging in what looks like cold weather from about twenty different angles. That must have been lots of fun to shoot. He approaches a group of color-wheel-opposite Smurfs. Oh, those are just red Smallville High cross-country track suits. I thought it was the Spanish Inquisition. Pete and Lana are leading the pack of cross-country joggers, which is amazing, considering Pete never exercises and Lana just broke her leg in three places. That must be a real shit team. My belief is proven true when Scrawny Cross-Country Boy passes the entire team. Lana shoots him a dagger look, because how dare somebody cut in front of her in life? Wow, fog and huge redwood trees. This totally takes me back to Lawrence, Kansas.
Everybody approaches the Smallville High track, where cheerleaders and football players are practicing. Scrawny Kid watches one of the cheerleaders, a pretty brunette, in slow motion. She cheers. He runs without looking, and you expect him to hit a goal post. Instead, he approaches the waiting cross-country coach. Why do they call it "cross-country" anyway? These kids couldn't make it across a country unless it was Luxembourg. And I think they'd still need a truck to get them past Differdange. The uninterested-looking coach lies that it was a good run. He reminds everyone to "stretch it out." With a magazine, or something. Lana comes up to the coach and cryptically says that she wanted to come by, and that if there's anything she can do.... Coach makes a face like he drank some bad milk, and says there's nothing anyone can do now. "She really loved this time of year," he says. Lana, huffing and puffing, tries to have a facial expression, but shit just doesn't work out.
Cut to the Gatorade table, where a dozen or so cups are laid out, but only Lana is allowed to drink. The scrawny kid joins her for a cup of the thirst-quencher. Lana compliments the kid for being so "focused" out there, and for passing the entire team. She introduces herself. So does the kid. He tells her he just started at the school a few days ago. Who do they have at the school to process all these doomed transfer students? Is it the angel of death? Lana and Scrawny reach for the same little paper cup, and Lana's hand ends up on top of Scrawny's. Suddenly, there's a burning flash, and I hope for a brief second that the bomb dropped on Smallville. No such luck.