Episode Report Card Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kelly and Jen, sitting in a tree
By Miss Alli | Season 2 | Episode 14 | Aired on 12.08.2004
Of course, Jen pulls out the old saw about how the guy who's critical of her when she's not in the room must be "a coward," as opposed to "a gossip," which is what Kelly was actually being in that particular moment. It's not as if Kelly is shit-talking her behind her back because he's afraid of her wrath. He's shit-talking her because that's what people do. Jen needs to hang out with Tyra Banks, who will teach her that everybody talks about everybody. And does Jen throw out "be a man"? Oh, yes. She does. Sometimes, I can see how guys decide we're all f'd-up weirdos. Even though we're not, I swear. Anyway, back in the suite, Jen insists to Kelly and Sandy that she wasn't waffling about being PM. And again? Not really the point.
The moon hangs, and the saxophone of Sex That Never Was wails on the soundtrack. For whatever reason, the unmistakable sex music accompanies the seductive footage of a guy buffing the lobby floor. And no, that is not a euphemism, though it would be a good one, wouldn't it? Admit it; it would. There are also people cleaning the escalators, but that would be a gross euphemism. It is such a fine line, seriously. Up in S5, it is now the next day, and Kelly -- AGAIN -- answers the Rhonaphone. Kevin's chest appears behind Kelly, so I kind of don't hear the details of the call, but Rhona apparently tells them to meet Trump at 9:00 at the top of Kevin's exposed back. I mean, at the top of Trump World Tower. Heh heh, sorry.
The candidates stroll purposefully toward the tower, as if they have somewhere really important to be, which, if you think about it, they must not, or they wouldn't be here. Upstairs, they enter an office where Trump, in his powerful pink tie of triumph, awaits. He's sort of standing awkwardly and meaninglessly, which seems fitting. Trump raves about the great office they're standing in, and how they may eventually make it into such an office if they "do well in life." Note that he didn't say, "If you get this job." Because if you get this job, all you're getting is the couch at the Today show and the back of a limo with some dipwad from Big Brother. Trump tells them that they're the final four candidates, which he just realized through the complex process of counting, and he goes on to tell them how proud of themselves they should be for getting to the point where all concern for teamwork and cooperation is gone, and you're free to let your hatred of your fellows fly free. This year, Trump has chosen executives from "the world" to serve as the Four Horsemen of the Interviewocalypse. And they are: Alan Jope, chief operating officer at Unilever (I've always wondered what kind of a device they make there that only needs one lever); Dawn Hudson, the president of Pepsi-Cola North America and "one of the most dynamic female executives anywhere in the world," currently figuring out how to defend the lawsuits over the shattered Edge bottles and the shards of plastic from the busted holes ["and rolling her eyes at the inclusion of the adjective 'female,' as if boobs have any bearing on personal dynamism; sorry, but that kind of patronizing mention of gender bugs the shit out of me" -- Sars]; Ace "Franklin William Studevant Thurston III" Greenberg, a hotshot at Bear Stearns; and Bob Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots, currently pissed as all hell that the pressure is on again, thanks to the fucking Red Sox. Impressively, the Horsemen run roughshod over a total of half a million employees. Some of whom are football players. And they gross over $80 billion a year, not counting what Pepsi pays for Michael Jackson's ongoing scalp reconstructions. They'll be conducting the interviews, and then they'll be reporting back to Trump with their impressions, which they will deliver while Trump drinks a glass of water. And then, in the Boardroom, two of the candidates will get the boot, leaving two behind. And they'll be the final two. Hey, you do the math; you'll get the same answer.
In an interview, Kevin calls this "game day," and says that as much as he enjoys being in the final four, it's all about the win, for him. He meets with Ace, who asks him about his education at Wharton and now law school, and asks if he wants to be a lawyer. "No," Kevin laughs, "I don't, actually." Hey, me neither! Help! Help! Meanwhile, Kraft is asking Kelly about the series of startups he's had, and whether that might mean he can't commit to anything. Kelly says that there are good explanations for some of them, and in fact, with some of them, he stayed too long. Well la-dee-dah. Jope asks Jen about "the biggest obstacle [she's] had to overcome in [her] life to get this far." She gives the incredibly shitty answer, "Convincing someone that I really can get the job done." Sucks! He tells her it's too general, and she talks about being a new associate at her law firm, which, again, is...it's not as bad as her first one, but it's totally generic. Hudson asks Sandy why she's doing this, and Sandy says she's "at the top of [her] industry," but she's "ready for another challenge." Hudson asks her whether she has corporate experience, and Sandy admits that she doesn't. In an interview, Sandy says that on a scale of one to ten, the stress level is 150. And the hyperbole quotient is even higher. Ace has an exchange with Sandy in which he (rather dimly, in my opinion) acts like he doubts that getting a paycheck is "safer" than running your own business. Ace is either being kind of obtuse on purpose, or he's clueless, because Sandy is right, without question. ["Yeah…why don't you come on down and start a website, and then talk to me about how 'safe' it is, ACE." -- Sars] Kelly is asked about his weaknesses, and gives the BS answer about how he can't stand quitters. Similarly, Kevin says that he needs to "pick [his] battles," and Jope thinks that's a strength. Kraft asks Sandy which of the other three candidates she would choose if not herself. Sandy: "Uhhhhh." Although, heh, it's possible that she had a really good answer and they just didn't show it, making it appear that she went, "Uhhhhh." Which, presumably, would haunt her ass for years.